You're a mean one, Vrakmul (Humorous anthology)

A blog dedicated to Vrakmul's relentless trolling exploits across the multiverse and generally being an incredibly petty douche and utterly loathsome human being.

The curious case of the feral worlders

Many aeons ago, when man on Earth still lived banging rocks together to light fires, Vrakmul the glorious descended upon a world with a Black hand force to ascertain it's worthiness for absorbption into the Dominion of the Black Hand.

He saw the hills, the trees, and the primitives who had formed from a long cut off Cyronaxi colony, primitve humans they were. And he found it good.

All was prepared for their absorbtion, but as he prepared to return to his space ship, one child, a nameless boy who had a disliking of the Lord of Doom, blew him a raspberry.

The Dark Emperor was most displeased, and had his forces turn around and begin slaughtering everyone on the planet.

Oceans boiled, plains burned, people died, the world was left a smoldering ruin in a single day. And when it was all done, the boy was still alive.

Vrakmul then brought himself to the boy, and most verily flipped him the unholy bird before leaving the planet.

Well I cured your Asthma

Once there were parents with a beloved little girl who was suffering from Asthma. They prayed and begged for salvation from their God who ignored them. But someone heard. Before them manifested Vrakmul who said

"What troubles you, bearers of grief and woe?"

"Oh angel of our lord, our daughter is sick and no medicine from man or faith can heal her. Cure her!"

"Very well" He responded as he put his hands over her

Immediately her breathing improved, but a tumor exploded out of her chest in a shower of gore before she started growing tentacles and far too many mouths

"What have you done!?" The parents begged

"I cured her, by making her into a Chaos spawn of Nurgle" Vrakmul laughed as the daughter messily ate her parents and rampaged out the city.

Over a dozen people died that day before someone could stop the monster by ripping her apart, and Vrakmul had a most hearty laugh.

A sandwhich store, my kingdom for a sandwhich store

A man in Bosnia was upset, his fortune had been depleted. He sat with misery and woe, wondering how he could find his fortune and get money for his family. He couldn't afford to go to America, but then a man in robes came to him and gave him an idea.

"You are good at making sandwhiches right?" He told him.

"Aye, the best" He responded

"Well, I'll gift you some money and offer you a lease to a new location, it'll be all the rage!" He told the Bosnian who jumped to his feet and shook his hand

"Oh thank you! How can I ever repay you?" He asked

"Pass this onto your family "recommend the patronage of Gavrilo Princip" and all will be fine" He cheerfully responded.

Thinking nothing of this, the man set up his sandwhich store, which was quite well to do. But in the year of 1914, a young man named Gavrilo princip, down on his luck for he had failed to kill the Archduke, went to the restaurant where he had been recommended.

Unhappily munching on his sandwhich, he saw the Archduke, and grabbed his gun and shot him.

For the rest of the century, endless misery and woe would be caused by this one moment as the domino fell, and when the robed man read the Newspaper, a trollish grin spread under his mask

And every day when he read about more and more deaths, that grin would grow wider and wider.

"Just as planned" said Vrakmul as he sipped his martini.

To keep a woman warm

A woman, chill and cold for her world was one of ice, huddled over a fire and begged the stars for warmth.

"Oh what I would give for warmth." She begged as she and her friends huddled closer.

But to her surprise, they answered, and the magnificent masked lich appeared before her and her friends.

"Greetings lords and ladies, I am Vrakmul, how may I help?" He asked with a cheery tone

"Oh Vrakmul, we are ever so cold, could you not give us warmth?" They asked, teeth chattering away

"Oh very well" He said, and with a snap of his fingers he went away

"That did nothing..." They said, and for an hour they waited, still miserable and cold.

"Perhaps we imagined i-" One started before the Supernova washed over them.

Oh father christmas

A child prayed beneath his christmas tree for something nice for christmas, anything but clothes and socks! Oh they were ever so boring, you couldn't even play with them. But then the magical man appeared in a blast of darkness and doom and said.

"Well little Tommy, guess what I've got?"

"Is it the present I want?"

"Oh open it tomorrow and see" He grinned frightfully before vanishing in the night

On the morrow the boy scuttled to his present, hoping that it was Santa who had given him his present.

He opened the first box and with a cheer he saw; it was all the new consoles he sought.

He opened the second box and squeed and saw all the best games that could be bought.

He opened the third box and peered inside, his parents confused until they saw

A mighty black hole in a box!

It devoured them and their house and disappeared with a pop!

Finished part 1

Thoughts, criticism, suggestions?

26 Comments
26 Comments
Posted by warlock360



I'd read that to my kids

Posted by Xaraghoul_the_Ravager

I'd read that to my kids

Of course you would, because Vrakmul is ever such the charming fellow.

Posted by warlock360

No seriously, That in a childsbook. Perfect. Some pictures to go with it of course.

Posted by Strongarm

@warlock360: Jhonen Vasquez would be perfect for the art

Posted by Xenon_

Nice one!

Edited by Vrakmul

More trollventures up and coming.

Edited by Kthulu

I would love to fight/work with this character

Posted by Strongarm

tree man is amusing

Posted by warlock360
Posted by ShadowSwordmaster

This is pretty cool.

Posted by Vrakmul

@kthulu said:

I would love to fight/work with this character

You'd probably want to fight someone who's title amongst the powers that be in the multiverse is "the Fallen Lord of Doom, betrayer of hope, and the oncoming blackness."

Posted by Kthulu

@vrakmul: I would be up to the challenge being an Elder God and what not

Edited by Vrakmul

@kthulu said:

@vrakmul: I would be up to the challenge being an Elder God and what not

You may want help with that once I start writing up how Giacomo became Vrakmul.

Posted by Kthulu

@vrakmul: I would say both of our characters are at about the same level atleast

Edited by Vrakmul

@kthulu said:

@vrakmul: I would say both of our characters are at about the same level atleast

And Vrakmul has the power of prophecy around him, you can help, but if you want to kill him you may want to write up a primalborn kid. (Yes, kid, no adults are primalborn while the task they were made to deal with is still active, hitting adulthood before finishing the task leads to...bad things) You can beat him to an inch of his unlife, but he can't die unless you meet the "only by primordial child's hand" clause.

Posted by Kthulu

@vrakmul: I wasn't intending on killing him if our characters ever did fight but I might take you up on that.

Posted by Vrakmul

@kthulu said:

@vrakmul: I wasn't intending on killing him if our characters ever did fight but I might take you up on that.

Indeed, I'll have an event I'll hopefully be able to finish up soon. Marathon 2 (Marathon 1 will be resolved via blogpost or reboot)

Posted by Antonnius

Would be entertaining to actually see someone just seal Vrakmul instead of outright kill him or fight him blindly xD

Posted by _The_Ant_

He's going to die one way or the other. I don't like heroes who spare their villains.

Posted by Strongarm

@_the_ant_: needs a story on the violent seas, would be cool

Edited by _The_Ant_

@strongarm said:

@_the_ant_: needs a story on the violent seas, would be cool

Maybe. But in any case I think heroes who spare clearly dangerous villains who have any chance of escaping from whatever prison you put them in for the sake of a personal code are selfish. Killing them serves the greater good.

Posted by Strongarm

@_the_ant_: Those heroes just want drama, good ones ought to subvert the baddies and conform them. Maybe with personality editing or changing their identity/consciousness, so that they can be of great benefit.

Edited by Vrakmul

@_the_ant_: Those heroes just want drama, good ones ought to subvert the baddies and conform them. Maybe with personality editing or changing their identity/consciousness, so that they can be of great benefit.

I find Brainwashing to be a tad tasteless and it can always be subverted.

Killing someone, obliterating their body to prevent revival, then annihilating their soul to stop resurrection, then going back in time and locking their timestream to prevent time travel shenanigans, and then erasing their truename from the cosmos is pretty permanent and has few moral qualms unless you believe that denying someone an afterlife is evil.

Posted by Strongarm

@vrakmul: But you have plenty of power, you seem strong enough to do an 'irreversible'

denial of afterlife is natural, and that seems too effort taking

Edited by Vrakmul

@strongarm said:

@vrakmul: But you have plenty of power, you seem strong enough to do an 'irreversible'

denial of afterlife is natural, and that seems too effort taking

I have no plans on using Vrakmul again after the mega-arc with him is done.

Once the Black hand arc is done, the Black hand characters will be permanently dead in most cases, and this account will be used for a Necron Phaeron.

Posted by Strongarm

@vrakmul: cool, tomb kings rock and nagash is amazing

hail grimgor ironhide and hail sigmar