Coldstone: reactivated. (No longer canon)

Avatar image for admirallogic
AdmiralLogic

4131

Forum Posts

0

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 0

User Lists: 0

#1  Edited By AdmiralLogic

Chapter 1: a new enemy.

"Activate Captain Garrick and crew!" Ordered commander Octavius, after seeing a massive ship zoom by his location despite no warning go off. His large muscles and height making his fear even more terrorizing for those around him. He was a great commander with many battles won against the Crags. He was highly intelligent even in matters outside the military. His shaved head and constant state of seriousness made him seem even more military.

"But sir! They've been in the coldstone for decades. We need better equipment! There may be..." Private Arnold tried to reason.

"Just do it you fool! The Crags won't care if he has been in there for centuries!" The commander roared.

"Yes sir." The private said cowering and scuttling over to the controls.

Coldstone was an operation for deep space travel. It later became military. Garrick was one of the first to go in. They were sent out in small ships meant to stay until they were needed for a mission. The problem was in time the coldstone became more and more in sync with the body and it was harder for them to be released without injuries or even mental damage. It is called coldstone because they lie inside a thick liquid at first, then it is frozen and cools a little, but must stay cold in order to keep the body well and ready for reactivation. Special pacemakers are made for members of coldstone so that they can be revived afterwards. Members are called "Shilies" by the Crags and Clanks by coldstone. Shilie means stone. The crags gave them the name because they sensed them emerge from the coldstone and being superstitious, and not being able to see like we do, believed they were the stone. The crags are big creatures. They have apelike posture and body shape but longer necks and faces. They are very perceptive with their ears and smell but completely blind. They have no eyes. There was one crag, that i know of, who joined earth to fight off the other crags but he was destroyed in an explosion. They, generally, worship two gods. One looks like a Crag with two heads and an arm coming out of the torso holding a weapon, the weapon seems to vary. The other is in fact a human, who they believe to be evil. They seem to worship the human like one because they think if they don't it will kill them. They equivalently ask it nkt to kill them when they kill us. The word Clancks came from Clankers because the first suits were rather noisy when they moved.

Garrick and his crew were some of the greatest Clanks in history. They did exceptionally well at coming out of coldstone and going directly to fighting and were each a strategist and expert. Garrick was the best. He was much larger and had surprising speed and agility.

"Confirm remote activation of Captain Garrick and crew?" The private said.

"Yes you idiot i just told you that!" Octavius bellowed grabbing at his seat to try and relieve his stress.

"Just following protocol sir." The private whimpered.

"Shut up!" He hissed stand up and stooping over the private.

Garrick slid into consciousness.

"Whoa, I don't feel so well." He groaned falling over and grasping his stomach.

"Non of us...do. Ohhh!" Said the doctor of the group falling against a wall. His name was Jack. Clanks were only allowed to use one name because the Crags would hire spies to find the full name so they could emotionally harm the Clanks. Jack was not very pleased with fighting but was one of the best especially because of his knowledge of science and biology of both humans and Crags.

There was a bit of groaning as they came back from coldstone.

"Garrick! The crags are worse than ever. They're heading straight past you for earth! Get out there and stop them!" The commanders voice boomed.

"Yes, sir!" Came some replies.

"On to it then, suit up! We've got some crags to crush." Garrick said.

They each got on their armor and space suits which had jetpacks, large oxygon tanks, a small space bike that could be summoned, and a rifle known as the intimidator. A frightening weapon that send shards of exploding substance at high velocity.

They waited till something came in sight.

Suddenly it flew into view. It was no crag ship, but it wasn't Earth either.

Faster than any of them could react a blackstreak shot out of this strange ship and grabbed Jack crushing him and then reversing back into the ship. They began shooting but more of these things kept flying out and there seemed to be almost no damage done. Garrick just barely made it to a hiding place before he too would have been destroyed. Now perhaps a threat bigger than the crags had arisen, the Black Death.

What do you think? Please tell me if i did something wrong.

Avatar image for batkevin74
batkevin74

16831

Forum Posts

1712

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 2

User Lists: 13

@admirallogic: Here we go:

"Activate captain Garrick and crew!" Ordered the commander. Capital C for Captain

"Just do it you fool! The Crags won't care if he has ben in there for centuries!" The commander roared. Been

Coldstone was an operation for deep space travel. It later became military and known by the name we just used Coldstone. Cool name, pointless repeating. The first sentence explains it fine

It is called clodstone because they lay in a liquid at first, Typo

Members are called "Shilies" by the Crags and Clanks by coldstone. Huh? Just read that sentence for me again...coz to me it makes no sense. Also its about here you'd expand on who/what/why the Crags and Clanks are.

"Confirm remote activation of Captaib Garrick and crew?" Typo

Garrick slid into consciousness. I really like that sentence

"Non of us...do. Ugh!" Typo

Clanks were only allowed to use one name. Why? Need to explain/expand on that

Suggestions: You've got a Commander, name him or her. They're giving orders, Garrick follows those orders so give this person some life, some description. Sure they might be a background character but it helps.

Eg: Commander Eric Rall sat pensively, his hand holding his chin as he studied the numbers. There seemed to be no better solution.

"Activate Captain Garrick and crew!" he ordered.

"But sir!" Private Cigol protested "They've been in the coldstone for decades. We need better equipment! There may be..."

"Objection noted Private!" Commander Rall barked. "The Crags won't care if he has been in there for centuries!

Crags & Clanks. More exposition, more detail on why they're fighting or at the least just a little to frame the conflict. You tell us a bit about the Crags but nothing on the Clanks. Is it a clan name or because they're part robots and clank everywhere?

Your little universe is good, just needs some polishing is all. Let me know when the next one comes out

Avatar image for impurestcheese
ImpurestCheese

12542

Forum Posts

2824

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 0

User Lists: 14

#3  Edited By ImpurestCheese

Also 'Earth' should be in capitals since it is a place (and an important one at that)

Not sure what's going on but it seems interesting indeed

Avatar image for admirallogic
AdmiralLogic

4131

Forum Posts

0

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 0

User Lists: 0

#4  Edited By AdmiralLogic

@impurestcheese: Thanks! I'll work on that. Also, I assume i make the new one on another post right? I'll be doing that soon.

Avatar image for impurestcheese
ImpurestCheese

12542

Forum Posts

2824

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 0

User Lists: 14

#5  Edited By ImpurestCheese
Avatar image for admirallogic
AdmiralLogic

4131

Forum Posts

0

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 0

User Lists: 0

Avatar image for impurestcheese
ImpurestCheese

12542

Forum Posts

2824

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 0

User Lists: 14

#7  Edited By ImpurestCheese
Avatar image for stumpy49er
stumpy49er

2352

Forum Posts

0

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 0

User Lists: 0

When I saw the title to this I thought 'Sweet, someone's writing fam fic for Coldstone from Gargoyles.' Ah well, I'm sure I can find plenty Gargoyles fan fic out there. ;)

At least this is an original universe. Seems like an interesting story. I expect plenty of action.

Avatar image for admirallogic
AdmiralLogic

4131

Forum Posts

0

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 0

User Lists: 0

@stumpy49er: Probably is somewhere. I don't do so well at writing unless i invent, or at least dramatically alter, the universe or characters in a story.

Avatar image for admirallogic
AdmiralLogic

4131

Forum Posts

0

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 0

User Lists: 0

Avatar image for cbishop
cbishop

21200

Forum Posts

393973

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 92

User Lists: 1268

@admirallogic: Cool start, moving on to chapter 2. However, one thing to fix:

Shilie means stone. The crags gave them the name because they saw them emerge from the coldstone... They are very perceptive with their ears and smell but completely blind.

If the crags are blind, how did they see the shilies emerge from the coldstone?

Avatar image for admirallogic
AdmiralLogic

4131

Forum Posts

0

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 0

User Lists: 0

#12  Edited By AdmiralLogic

@cbishop: Oh my gosh I'm an idiot!

I can rephrase it though. And it'll make even more sense that way.

Fixed. Sorry about that.

Avatar image for cbishop
cbishop

21200

Forum Posts

393973

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 92

User Lists: 1268

#13  Edited By cbishop

@admirallogic: Nah, mixups happen. Decent fix though. :)

P.S. You're right, it makes more sense that the crags called them shilies that way. :)

Avatar image for admirallogic
AdmiralLogic

4131

Forum Posts

0

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 0

User Lists: 0