AND NOW FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF: SUPERHEROES KICKING THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER!!!
The floor is flooded with tumultuous applause and a bonanza of flashing lights as the new reality show kicks off its premier season. The host, a man named Roger Stockholm, strides confidently to the center of the stage. He flashes a smile, brilliantly whitened using chemicals he probably shouldn’t have. He raises his arms, beckoning for more applause. The crowd indulges him. His perfectly unblemished enameled role models for teeth everywhere seemed to audibly tinkle as his smile widened even more. He bellowed, “Hello, New York!” which seemed to encourage the crowd even further, wringing themselves for all the applause they had. It was momentous, and a great way to send the show on it’s maiden voyage.
Roger took his seat behind a resplendent rosewood desk, polished and gleaming almost as dazzlingly as his teeth were. He breathed deep, and spoke on his exhale: “Oh, it’s great to be back! Hello, world, I’m your host Roger Stockholm, and I’ll be kicking off this year’s season, along with the wonderful men and women behind the scenes. Let’s give them a hand, why don’t we?” The cheers increased in volume for a moment before retreating back, allowing an attentive stillness to wash over the set that was virtually silent compared to the roar prior.
Roger continued: “Yes, well, we’re back again, and we thank you for welcoming us so warmly. Today’s show consists of a lineup of super geniuses, each having made noteworthy contributions, or detriments, to the world they inhabit. As you know, we have each individual participating in this showdown sent an invitation to come onstage, and discuss with us their plans, motivations, personal experiences, and thoughts and expectations on what we’ve challenged them to do. Wonderfully enough, each of the three contestants accepted, and are ready to come onstage, one at a time. Please welcome, Edna Mode!”
The crowd roared with approval as an incredibly short, frail-looking, yet imposing woman strutted onstage. Her outfit was suitably splendid enough to be on the show, and it was of her own design. Her head seemed too wide to fit properly on her shoulders, wide round spectacles enlarging her already sizeable eyes, and her hair was cut perfectly at just three inches above her shoulders. All in all, she was about three feet tall. Though someone of her stature would possess stunted limbs that would force one to waddle, her extremities were surprisingly slim and nimble, and she twirled a quellazaire as a form of greeting to the audience. She sat in a custom chair suited for her stature.
“Welcome to the show, Edna. I’m pleased you could come.”
“Yes, darling, though I’m not as pleased as you…”
“Oh?”
“Yes. I’m afraid I came in the interest of enlightening the spirit of those watching. Reality television is dreadfully dull, and showcases the misfortune of others as a form of entertainment. The side effects it has on intelligence are frightening. In the interest of you and those watching, I have accepted the invitation in the hopes that I may leave a positive lasting impression upon everyone, in contrast to the negative ones usually espoused by such syndications. And in the interest of a very large sum of money. Now, hon, tell me what it is you wish to ask me.”
“First I would like to congratulate you. Your appearance here has sparked viewer interest. In fact, it’s seemed to draw in a record number of views for this show!”
“I was aware that this episode was the premier of your show’s first season?”
“…”
“What is it, darling?”
Roger cleared his throat, “Well, I…First question. Edna, I’m sure our viewers would be delighted to know just what part you played in the Metroville accident?”
“Part? No part, really, that was mostly the work of the Incredibles. I was merely their fashion designer: I developed their suits, which probably played but a little part in their overall progress. It did make them look exceptionally heroic for the papers, though.”
“Edna,” Roger continued, “I’m sure you are aware of the villain named Syndrome, and his schemes?”
Edna sneered in disgust. “Yes. Schemes. Disastrous ones, at that. Primarily the fact that he showed up to the scene in such horrid drag.”
“What do you mean?”
“His costume! Uggh! It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. That was his real crime, darling.”
“Well, heh, I’m sure you can tell him yourself. Please welcome Syndrome, ladies and gentlemen!”
Silence filled the room as the villain strode across the stage, the crowd too shocked to even boo. He took his seat. “Hello, Roger,” he said, smugly aware of his impression on those present.
“Hello, Buddy. I prefer actual names, you see, at least for the duration of this interview. Is that okay?”
“It’s fine.”
“Good. So, Buddy, what prompted you to come on the show?”
Syndrome cleared his throat before beginning. “Personally, I wanted to shock the world. Comebacks from evident death are usually the best way to do that. I also wanted to declare my coming revenge on the Incredibles.” He looked directly at the camera now. “I’m coming for you.”
Roger flashed his blinding smile. “Intimidating.”
“Thank you. But, Roger, what’s up with the name? For the show, I mean. Seriously, it sucks.”
“We’re working on it. Our creative team thinks an acronym would be more stylistic.”
“Uhh-S.K.T.C.O.O.E.O? What?! It’s worse!”
“It doesn’t matter. What matters is if you’ll accept our challenge.”
Buddy’s chin jutted out a tad. “Yes, I will. A fight, if I’m correct. A battle of wits, maybe? Against Edna and who else? I thought there were supposed to be three of us?”
“There are. Please welcome out third contestant, Doctor Victor Von Doom!”
Theme music blasted from hidden speakers. Composed by John Williams via special request, it was menacing, authoritative, and regal, traits Doom carried as he appeared onstage. It was, in fact, a re-envisioning of Williams’ previous thundering anthem, “The Imperial March.” Doom took his seat, modeled to resemble his throne back in Latveria.
“Hello, Doom, and welcome to the show!” greeted Roger.
Doom dipped his chin ever so slightly in acknowledgement, lacing his steel-clad fingers together.
“So, Victor, tell us, what prompted you to come on the show.”
Victor let silence hang for a moment before speaking. The others watched him politely, though Buddy seemed a bit bored. Contrariwise, Edna appeared to be slightly impressed by Doom’s garb. “I have come…to represent Latveria here in the states, to spread our image and reputation as that of a free and honest nation, which is the reason for my appearance in this country to begin with, as I was meeting with your Congress later this week. I decided to indulge your public with an appearance on this show.”
“We thank you for that. Have you decided to accept our challenge?”
Doom nodded again. “I have.”
“Good! Here is the challenge, proposed by Eileen Wuthero from Kansas City, Kansas. You three are to battle it out in three steps. First, a battle of wits: You are to meet in our studio’s private hotel here in the city. You will face off against each other in a variety of puzzle and strategic games; games like chess. Basically, this gets you warmed up and familiar with your opponents. Second, you are to debate in a court of law. You are arguing over…the city of Metroville! You are to present valid reasons that you require the city for the upcoming and final battle: an actual fight to the death. In this final contest, you are allowed your resources, and three months of preparation time. Remember, whoever wins the second battle, held before the supreme court, will get time to fortify the city of Metroville as your own base of operations. Keep in mind, though, that it is also the battlefield.”
Someone wheeled out a transparent cylinder of plastic, filled with numerous paper clippings. “And now,” revealed Roger, “we are to draw on slips of paper, which will either grant the contestants a handicap, or an advantage. Or, possibly, neither.”
He spun the cylinder, then put his hand in. He addressed Edna. “You, Edna Mode, are allowed to appeal to the U.S. Government as their primary contractor. You may use their contributions, should they be provided, to augment your current resources. So, I guess that possibly means you own Metroville by default.”
He spun, and drew again: “Buddy Pine, you are allowed an extra two months of preparation time. Use this advantage however you may.”
A third time he drew a slip of paper. He cocked an eyebrow, and looked uneasily at Doom. “Uhh…Victor. It appears you’ve been struck with a handicap: You have only one month of preparation time. Sorry…”
Unable to determine the expression behind that steel mask, the others remained silent. Doom spoke though, seemingly unperturbed by this turn of events. “It matters little. Doom shall emerge triumphant, as only Doom can: with unyielding finality.”
“Well, alright, then. Let’s all meet over at the hotel, then, shall we? Goodbye, folks! We’ll continue the spectacle after the break!”
With that, all four rose and exited stage left.
--A Few Rules--
I was unable to find Syndrome or Edna in the database, otherwise this would have been a three-way battle.
Edna Mode: She is allowed the government’s (the one from The Incredibles’ universe) help. This extends to help from The Incredibles themselves, soldiers, funding, help from other scientists, and use of impeccable fashion.
Syndrome: Able to use extra free time any way he can. This includes finding/developing extra resources/technology (perhaps striking a deal with a foreign country for materials and manpower), performing reconnaissance, and establishing footholds within the country for an advanced strike on the city.
Doctor Doom: Allowed his own devices and can prepare only within the time he is allotted. This means no time manipulation, at least until the fight. He can also spy on his enemies and the like.
The key to the battle is to win control over Metroville and dispatch of all opposition within the confines of the city. Victor is the last man standing. Contestants must be inside the city for the actual battle, but do not have to participate directly, though they have to remain control of the movements of their resources (example: Edna may not wish to be present on the battlefield since she is frail, but must manipulate events as much as she can behind the scenes. Government contributions means she may have the use of other tacticians to help her as well).
More rules/limitations shall be prescribed if needed.
FIGHT!
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