First off let me just say ( I already knew. My gaydar is almost like math and science) Anyway...
The point of this thread was to one: let you guys know, and two: to tell my story as well...
So here is Don Lemon (whom I like anyway, besides all the similarities LOL)
What he said, struck a chord with me, because I'm a black gay guy too! (If yall didn't know, then you're a little blind in both eyes) but still...So here goes...
My name is Avery C. Spottswood, and my story begins when I was a wee little one. All of the cleche's you hear about coming out, I always knew I was different, well its true, I always did know that I was different. Let me start out by saying that I was (and still am) a really smart person. I always had a higher understanding, a wisdom if you will about the world, and how it works. This early cynisism was noticed by all of my teachers, who said "I was an old soul" my babysitter even said that I was "An 80 year old politician) when I was just in 4th grade, but I digress, that was just to show you the level of understanding. And again, that understanding lead me to the conclusion that I was gay. I remember sitting in my car seat (because I wasn't 4'9" yet, the legal height level you have to be to sit in the regular seats of the car) and said it to myself, when I saw this pink sign that said "Roosevelt" I can't say specifically why that sign triggered this sudden admittance to something that I at that time had no idea was such a big deal to others. Of course I never said it out loud, except to myself.
So as the years came along, me knowing all of this, me expieirencing negative aspect of people of the same persuasion had to go through, I felt a sense of self-hatred. I hated the fact that I had to be the only one in my family to be gay, I hated that everyone said I was going to hell, even though none of their comments were ever directed at me personally, seeing as I was a kid, and it would have traumatized me.
Let me just say that in the black community, there are a lot of taboos. Most of them stemming from the idea of what a man should be, and slavery and the civil rights struggle. Most of those teachings: you have to be strong, you have to work hard, you have to believe in God. And you have to be a MAAAANNNN!, stem from the black church, which by most accounts is a rather peaceful and welcoming place. Except when it comes to being an open minded individual. For many in the black church there is one way of doing things. They'll teach you how to rear your children (whoop that a$$, when they get out of line), how act in social settings, and again above all else for young black men, how to be Manly men. I was raised in such a church, and I remember sitting there on the pews, while everyone was praying for prosperity, I was praying not to like boys. I felt like a blasphemous little heretic, sitting in the house of the lord, and holding what everyone calls "the GAY DEMON" inside of me. I prayed and prayed for years and years not to be gay, and yet still I found myself not looking for tig ole bitties, but taught pecks.
I saw shows like Will and Grace, and though "that's not me" or not nearly as flamboyant. I never liked to play with dolls (okay that is a lie, i loved to do their hair... by that I used to style it and cut it off...but I never played house and dress up, and make believe or stuff like that, just a fierce barber) Of course I did fit a lot of the steryotypes, I loved figure skating when I was young (although whenever it was on, I would have to act like I wasn't really paying attention) I never ever ever liked sports, and I still don't. And I was a mid level emotional wreck when I first saw Titanic. But other than that, I never pranced around in tootoos and I never wanted to be a woman, and I never put on lipstick and high heels (again thats sort of a lie, I did when I was little, but all kids do that) But still, despite all of the things that I was and wasn't, I felt, I thought there was a target on my back, that was rainbow colored, and bedazzled with glitter and sequins. I thought everyone just knew, and I wanted them to just say "You like guys, and that's okay" But no one ever did.
When my mother got a new job, we stopped going to church on Sundays. So I was glad, most kids would be, it meant I could stay home and watch cartoons. But I also could get away from all of the pressure. By this time, my mother had broken down and gotten cable TV for the first time in my life, and I was enthralled with it. One night, I happen upon a show called "Queer as Folk". MONUMENTOUS to say the very least. I was like YES..YES YES YES YASS, mostly because of all the sex that was going on, and at this time I was in the throws of puberty. It was also around the time when my sister started to like boys, and everyone is expecting me to be in crush mode over every girl I saw. Needless to say, that wasn't the case, in fact, I never had a crush on anyone. Yeah, I thought someone was cute, but that was the extent of it. So then I though, maybe I'm just not anything, maybe I don't belong to any orientation, maybe, I will be...Alone for the rest of my life...Depressing I know. But it didn't stop my mother, and my sisters from say "do you have a girlfriend" or "are there any girls you like" "Something's wrong if you haven't seen a girl you don't like" Which was true and untrue. Most of my best freinds were girls, but like you should know, I never felt any attraction to them other than...Let's sit together at lunch. And still I never like a guy, so I was like "WTF is wrong with me"
I ended up faking crushes. I put up posters of Halle Berry as Storm in my room (mostly because I LOVE STORM...Shoutout to the feircest diva of Marvel) Although I do find Halle beautiful. So that helped to quell all the gay inquiries and stuff. But not for long, The internet became my best friend, unfortunately that freind betrayed me because I didn't know how to erase web browsing history. (Yeah it was porn) So i got caught watching porn, and as scary as that was, I thought maybe it would free me from the bondage of the closet. It did not. My mother just said I was confused, my sister called and said I couldn't use her computer anymore (this was also around the time I found out about comicvine) luckily I had a school laptop, which I figured out ways to watch porn on (LOL) So the next scandal was when my sister found "pictures" on my laptop. TROUBLE again, and still, everyone asked me "When are you going to get a girlfriend...OBVIOUSLY NEVER V_V... So when my mom picked me up from work, we had a very scary and intimate talk about my confusion, and the gay demons. I had long since admitted to myself that I was never going to like a woman the way she or anyone else wanted me too, and that I didn't have any demons in me. That was the last time for about a year or two until one night...
Me and my mother were sick with the flu, and we were watching a movie, and she just said out of the blue "I failed you as a mother" and my heart stopped and sank to my feet. I played it cool though, even though I knew exactly what she meant. I asked her what she meant, and she just repeated herself. We ended up beating around the bush on the subject of my gayness for 3 hours, until at 3:43 am, after rehashing old memories, and feelings, and random other things, I said "I'm gay" for the first time out loud, in front of any family member. Unphased, as I knew she had to be, my mother said "I still don't think so" and I said, "Yup, I like penis" and I laughed so hard that I coughed on the HALLS I was eating to keep me from coughing. The next day, I came out to my younger brother. I'm still not out to my sisters or extended family, but I'm sure they know. I mean, what strait guy keeps the channel locked on LOGO and RuPauls Drag Race?
Oh and NO it was not a choice, but if it was, I'd choose to be who I am right now.
So, tell me your stories, I wanna hear them. This is mine. I hope that someone benefits from this, and I hope you guys and girls, and in betweeners out there can find solace in the fact that most people really don't care, and the ones that do, are actually just ignorant. BIG shoutouts to Sha who was the first official person to know on the Vine, and Riri4life for being my DIVA angel always there with a gif to making things just a little more funny than they already are.
Done Lemon comes out... He's my Hero.
Wow, this was much longer than I originally thought it was to be.
Anderson...IT"S YOUR TURN
LMAO!
Is he doing the single ladies dance?
@Slight:
LOL...I can SOO relate to everything!!! ....except the "being black" part (even though "all the gurls say I'm pretty fly for a white guy" ;). Being raised Catholic, growing up in the midwest, and being gay had created this huge internal conflict for me that I had been battling w/ my whole life. Luckily like you, tv and the internetz has been my friend....and sometimes enemy. I haven't been brave enough to have "the talk" w/ my family yet. However, as I get older and w/ the love and support I get from my friends (be it online or real life), I grow stronger each day and continue to build the confidence to be who I am....who I was meant to be!
~TY for being a friend! #StaySickening ;P
....and yeah, I kinda already knew Don was "How U Doin" (I don't think he was hiding it), but I'm glad he came out publicly. The more role models, the better. (shout out to AC360)
HEY HEY HEY!... Shangela, my favorete@Slight:
LOL...I can SOO relate to everything!!! ....except the "being black" part (even though "all the gurls say I'm pretty fly for a white guy" ;). Being raised Catholic, growing up in the midwest, and being gay had created this huge internal conflict for me that I had been battling w/ my whole life. Luckily like you, tv and the internetz has been my friend....and sometimes enemy. I haven't been brave enough to have "the talk" w/ my family yet. However, as I get older and w/ the love and support I get from my friends (be it online or real life), I grow stronger each day and continue to build the confidence to be who I am....who I was meant to be!
....and yeah, I kinda already knew Don was "How U Doin" (I don't think he was hiding it), but I'm glad he came out publicly. The more role models, the better. (shout out to AC360)
@Kiara_Sullivan said:
I commend you for this honey. It takes a lot of guts to do this publicly. Especially on an open forum where people may or may not condemn you.
I'm bi. I dont hide it here. And most of my friends know. And at 24 (25 in 27 days) my family doesn't know my sexual orientation. Not that it matters anymore because I am marrying a man. But I know how it feels being from a predominately southern baptist family. You get a lot of flack for being anything other then straight. I get flack because a good portion of my friends are either gay or bi.
America is behind on times. Alot of other countries have embraced homosexuality. There are always going to be people who think its wrong or condemn you for what you can not control. But I say fck them. You're here and you're a beautiful person despite what anyone else says.
And just to let everyone know how backwards Americans are. I heard the most awful story the other day that broke my heart. A young man was dating another young man. So in love until they broke up. The one young mans family had no idea he was gay. And the ex boyfriend took it upon himself to tell them. The young mans father decided that he didn't like it and beat him then kicked him from his home. On top of all of it the boy became suicidal and almost killed himself. Luckily a lovely young girl (A good friend of mine) Took it upon herself to save this young man. While it never will take away the pain of what his father did, it did show him that not everyone hates homosexuals. And if your family can not accept it then they are not family at all.
It's so sad (the ending part) but I appreciate YOU ALL...XD
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