I've been pissed off since Tuesday night, and I've spent my Wednesday (now into early Thursday) really mulling all of this over. ...It's not the sword. It's not the gun. It's not the money... It's the lies... I am so sick of all the damned lies.

My aunt has lied about cashing in CD's and bonds made out to me and mom. She has lied about changes to the will. She has lied about things grandma said. She's lied about the gun. She's lied about the sword. She lied about my stuff that was in storage. And she continues to lie. I have just wanted her to look me in the eye and tell me that she cashed those bonds/CD's in and put them with the rest of the money...and why. If the issue had been grandma's care, fine, but there's at least a quarter million dollars left after grandma's death. If grandma's care was the issue, then why hasn't she restructured the money since grandma's death, so that I'm included again? I can only conclude that she simply wants a bigger cut, and made it happen while she had the power of attorney. She won't tell me to my face that she did it, because obviously she would look bad.

The stupid thing is that the gun and sword are nostalgia items to me. They're not that great a value- they won't bring that much money to my aunt in a sale. But she's playing these games? I'd shrug my shoulders and walk away from it, but the lies behind it have gotten my hackles up, and I'm kind of inclined to pursue this to the bitter end, just on principle. That's the damnable thing though...

...How far do I go for principle? I could do some legal stuff to slow the distribution of the trust, but that would affect my mom as much as my aunt, and after her economy woes of the last several years, my mom's worried that this money from the trust is her last chance to set something aside that will take care of her in her old age. So of course I have to take all of this into consideration, and it's been on my mind heavily. ...Doing anything to slow down the trust would be vindictive on my part, but it would be satisfying on principle. Not nice, but satisfying. ...I don't really want to do that though. I'll probably just end up telling my aunt what I think of her and her actions, and leaving it at that- letting her and my mom sort out their bulls*** from there.

I keep thinking about mom saying she's got seven or eight good years left to work, and this money is what will provide for her if she needs to be taken care of. That's the thing that really got to me tonight. I've had this thought myself, concerning mom, all along, and have said as much, but it really made me think when she said it. Since she went to bed just after saying that, I walked away from it. I pulled out some cleaning chemicals, a light scrubber, and some paper towels, and went to work on one of those mildewed books that I brought home from grandma's stuff. It's one of her Bibles. It's white, and it had a weird mildew creeping across it that looked sort of like red velvet cake. I sprayed, scrubbed and wiped the cover, and followed up with a bleach wipe, and that seems to have mostly done the trick. It's forever stained, but hopefully, the mildew won't come back. Hard to say with all the ridges in that leather.

I set it aside for a bit, to let it dry off from the cleaning. I came back to it, and decided to look through it for anything that grandma may have earmarked. I found one dogeared page in the entire book, marking Matthew 5:36 to 7:22 (front and back of the page). Reading that, a couple things stood out. It's in King James, but bear with me:

...Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth the rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others?... Matt. 5:42-47

And further:

No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your own life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat and the body than rainment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? ...Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself... Matt. 6:24-26, 31-34

And one of my favorites just happens to be marked on these two pages:

Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure you mete, it shall be measured to you again...

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Of if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?... Matt. 7:1-2, 7-12

Obviously, there's stuff left out, indicated by those ellipses, but this is the stuff that really jumped out at me today. I realize that many may think I'm foolish, but I believe these words. I try to live by them, and they have never failed me. I'm not the best Christian on Earth by any means. I can have a temper, and I cuss enough to make sailors blush and run back to their ships, sometimes. As I have often said: I have my a-hole moments. But the Bible is real to me, and I do try to live by it. It has done me very well. In this particular instance, I like to think that this dogeared page is grandma reaching out from the grave, showing me the better way of laying my anger aside, and dealing with my aunt another way. For that I'm grateful. It makes me miss grandma even more, but...<sigh>...everything's doing that right now. Thank you God, and thank you grandma. I love you both.