"Things Fall Apart..."

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SOG7dc

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#1  Edited By SOG7dc

Constant issue #1- “Things Fall Apart..."

Rough Draft

Written by Redacted

For Redacted

Hello Ang! I cannot tell you how excited I am to be working on this with you. If you think of anything, and I mean ANYTHING, that would make a scene or a page better I want you to do it your way! I really want for us to be a team on this and for it to be something that you shine on. Flex your muscles on this one, Ang. This is the first issue of what I hope and pray is the beginning of something great! Let’s blow them away!

Page 1:

1.

Full page Splash. We’re looking at Denise’s face from he side as she is livid on the phone with her mother. She should be sweaty, hair all over her head, even a little red in the face. She’s pissed.

Denise: --NO! YOU WERE THERE, FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!! IF YOU DON’T COME HERE THEN YOU CAN FORGET EVERY SEEING YOUR GRANDSON!

Page 2:

1.

Denise sitting up on the hospital bed as Dana and other nurses stand there trying to calm her down. We’re looking from the foot of the bed as Denise slams her hand on the bed and screams into the phone.

Denise: I GIVE A F**K ABOUT MY SIN!!!!

2.

Denise doubled over in pain from contractions. Dana is rubbing her back, Denise has taken the phone away from her ear and is grunting from the pain.

Denise: GGNNNNNN.

Dana (softly): its okay. Just breathe, girl.

3.

Denise leaning back with her left hand supporting her as Dana continues to rub her back. Denise has pulled the phone back up to her ear and is talking again.

Denise: LOOK!....

4.

Closeup on Denise’s eyes as tears well up. She’s overcome with physical and emotional pain. She’s reached her breaking point

Denise: you were there for Britney, Rhonda, Darla, Marla, Victoria, Marny, Debra and Reggie and Bobby's kids too.

Denise: THEY HAD YOU!

5.

We’re looking from the side now as Dana continues to rub her back. Denise is crying. This is one of the most emotional moments of our story. She’s explaining to her parents how she feels and has always felt like an unloved child in relation to her brothers and sisters. She’s reached her breaking point and is laying it all out on the table

Denise: THEY HAD EVERYTHING!!!!

Page 3:

1.

Looking at Denise’s face now. She’s tilted her head back and closed her eyes. The pain of both this labour and her memories is almost too much.

Denise:…..and mama I don’t have anybody.

Denise: Raymond won’t come. My brothers and sisters don’t give a damn. Dana gotta go to work and take care of other patients….

2.

Denise biting her lip as she tilts her head down and tears drop from her eyes.

Denise:…..and I can’t even get my own damn parents to come be with me….

Denise: You know what mama? Don’t even come. Me and my baby gone be okay by ourself.

3.

Denise throws the phone on he floor next to the bed and negins to just cry her eyes out.

(no dialogue)

4.

Dana hugs Denise as she cries.

(no dialogue)

Page 4:

The scene- We are in the realm of the Constants. An infinite plane of existence permeating with beauty and life. The beauty of this place is mythic, Ang.; teeming with life and colors and Rev and Loo stand together in the middle of a twilit valley where a giant beautiful blue moon is above.

1.

Loo looking into the sky and smiling. We’re looking at her bust, meaning from about her belly button up, and we’re looking at her at an angle.

Caption(Gabriel.Marcel): What happens when the power of God is placed in the hands of fleshful beings?

2.

Rev coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist and resting his head on her shoulder. Loo is smiling and Rev looks towards the sky mouth agape ad if he’s in awe of what he’s looking at.

Loo: Adam and Eve.

Loo: Those are their names.

3.

Looking at them head on now. Rev’s eyes are looking over towards Loo’s face.

Rev: Good names.

Rev: Our service has certainly become more interesting

Page 2:

1.

Same position but now Loo looks inquisitive. Loo is still looking towards the sky as Rev listens to her.

Loo: Rev…

Loo: what would you name your first son?

Loo: If God should choose to bless us with one?

2.

We’re looking at them from the side as they fly into the sky. Rev is still holding Loo from behind.

Rev: hmm.

Rev: I don’t know really. But we’ll cross that bridge once we’ve come to it. I’m sure that if God sees fit to grant us a child he’ll also see fit to grant us a name.

Rev: But for now let’s enjoy the marvel of it all.

3.

We’re looking at them both floating in the air and looking into the sky (toward us) as all of time happens before their eyes. The Constants live in a realm outside of time and everything happens simultaneously to them.

Loo: Yes I suppose you’re right.

Loo: It is truly amazing isn’t it?

4.

Loo’s eyes begin to glow a brilliant white. Her Constant is Soul. It is her duty to monitor, maintain and ensure the stability and order of souls in the universe as according to God’s word.

Loo: Infinitesimal sparks of light ignite, so small it hardly feels like they’re there, yet when they ignite…

Page 3:

1.

The scene- we’re outside the Hospital where Scott and Louise are about to go in to see their daughter and their new grandson. We’re in downtown St. Louis so maybe having the arch in the background is cool.

Caption (Loo): …it is the darkness that flees.

(No dialogue here)

2.

Scott (Denise’s father) is getting out of the car with Louise (Denise’s mother) they are dressed like people in their late 50s-early 60s would be dressed. We should be looking at them through the windshield of the car as they are unbuckling their seatbelts. They look like they disapprove of something…like being there is a bother.

(No dialogue here)

3.

Scott with his hand on Louise’s back walking toward the hospital doors. We’re looking at them from the side with the arch in the background and a full harvest moon up in the sky. The moon should be big and ominous.

(No dialogue here)

4.

A Huge streak of brilliant light flies across the sky from over the hospital. We’re looking at them from behind at a diagonal angle view looking up as if the camera is on the ground such that we can see the front of the hospital, the arch off to the side and the sky above the hospital Scott and Louise are mesmerized by it. They’re staring up at the light until it fades away. (That may or may not be confusing. Let me know if you need clarity on that)

(No dialogue here)

5.

Closer to their faces we’re looking at them while they look up towards the sky where the light was. They each have a hand shielding their eyes because the light was so bright.

(No dialogue here)

6.

We’re behind them now. All we see is the front of the hospital as they walk into the front doors. This a hospital in downtown Saint Louis City and they’re walking in the maternity ward. The outside should look like a modern urban setting. Maybe a few doctors or transporters are outside smoking and talking with one another.

(No dialogue here)

Page 4:

1.

We’re in the Hospital now. Scott and Louise walk up to the nurse desk in the maternity ward. We’re looking at them from the side. The nurse is sitting at a computer in front of them.

Nurse: What can I help you all with?

Scott: We’re here for Denise Clayton.

2.

Dana Washington, a childhood friend of Denise, walks up and recognizes Denise’s parents. They haven’t seen each other in a long time. Dana is a nurse at the hospital. Dana is off panel here. We see Scott and Louise looking to the left as if they just heard someone call them from behind. We do not see Dana in this panel.

Dana (disembodied): Reverend Clayton?? Mrs. Clayton

3.

Scott and Louise turn around to see a familiar face but aren’t quite sure where they’ve seen her before. Theyre trying to figure out who she is. We’re looking from the perspective of Dana.

Dana: yall don’t remember me? Dana Washington?

3.

We’re looking at Scott and Louise’ faces from behind Dana. They look shocked and happy to see her. We see Dana from behind. She has an attractive figure. Long, curly brown hair

(No dialogue here)

4.

They embrace her and hug her. They’re all happy to see each other. We’re looking at them from behind Scott and Louise now. We see Dana’s face between Scott and Louise. She has a big smile on her face.

Louise: AAWW girl come here!

Dana: I’ll take care of these ones Cheryl!

5.

Nurse Cheryl sitting at the computer behind the desk with a grin on her face.

Nurse Cheryl (we will never see her again lol): Hmmph Oh ok. You guys have a good one.

6.

Scott standing next to Louise looking at Dana with a smile on his face.

Scott to Denise: Heeeyy!

Page 5:

The scene- we’re still in the hospital at the desk of the maternal ward.

1.

Scott has his arm around Louise. His hand placed on her shoulder. Theyre all smiling as they talk. We’re loking from the side in such a way that we see all three of them.

Dana: Heeyyyy! Oh my gosh, Denise is gonna be so happy to see yall.

Scott: How you been?

Dana: I’ve been great! I just got the job here a few weeks ago so that’s probably why Denise hasn’t told you we reconnected.

Louise: Well we’re glad to see you doing well for yourself

Scott: Yeah that’s great to hear, Dana.

2.

Dana smiling and looking at them eagerly. Scott with his arm still around Louise’ shoulder. They’re both laughing

Dana: This is crazy. I was just talking to someone about that time when I got my head stuck between the bannisters at you guys’ house and I was there for 3 hours til Mr. Clayton got home and pulled me out with that butter

Scott: I still don’t know how you fit that thing in there.

Denise: Excuse me! You gone get enough of those “big head” jokes Mr. Clayton.

3.

Louise smiling and looking at Dana. We’re looking at Louise’s face. She’s a black woman but she is light skinned with peppered black hair, big glasses and a crucifix necklace.

Louise: How are your parents doing?

4.

Dana looking back at Louise and explaining. Still with the chart in hand.

Dana: They’re good. Daddy is trying to eat healthier and momma retiring at the end of this school year.

5.

Dana and Louise looking at eachother. They’re engaged in the conversation

Louise: Well she been at that school for what? Thirty years now?

Dana: Thirty-three. She reminds us constantly.

Dana: Now that I think about it she started working there the year Denise and I were born.

Louise: Well you be sure to tell them we said hello.

Dana: Yes ma’am! But Ima need Mr. Clayton to cook me up a pot of gumbo in return.

Page 6:

1.

Scott putting has hands in his pockets and Louise smiling looking at Dana. Dana is leaning up against the desk with one arm resting in the desk and the other holding a clipboard (patient chart).

Scott: Girl you remember my gumbo?

Louise: Scott ain’t made that in a few years now. Denise been cookin it lately.

2.

Dana’s face looking over her shoulder. She has her mouth open. She just found out Denise was lying to her but she still looks playful and happy.

Dana: And she told me you wouldn’t teach her to cook it…

Page 7:

1.

Scott scratching the back of his head and looking towards Dana. We’re looking at Scott head on now. His countenance looks such that he’s looking for an answer. Still slightly playful.

Scott: Naw she know how to make it. She just probably didn’t feel like making it.

Dana: She lucky I’m a Christian..

Scott: Heh.

2.

Dana gesturing toward the patient rooms that lie beyond a door that you require clearance to go through. Much like in an ER where you need to have someone buzz you in unless you have the proper code.

Dana: Let me go check with the doctor to see if it’s ok for you guys to go in and see her

Louise: Sounds good to us.

Page 8:

1.

Louise and Scott are waiting at the desk for Dana to come back. They look regretful. Scott has removed his hat. Scott is leaning against the desk while Louise sets her purse on top of it.

Scott: Another grandbaby

Louise: yeah…out of wedlock

Scott: Why are we so hard on that girl?

Louise: What do you mean?

2.

Scott looks determined. No longer leaning on the desk. He is standing in an active stance. Like something has been weighing on his conscience.

Scott: We were harder on her than we were on any of the other ones.

Louise: .... (Ashamed of herself) I know Scott…I just—

Scott: Louise we put that girl through hell.

Louise: you think I don’t know that Scott? But it’s too late to go back and fix it now. The girls is grown with her own baby now

3.

Scott grabbing Louise’s hands and looking her in the eye. They’re facing one another now

Scott: We can never go back in time and give her the childhood we should have but we what we can do is make it up to her through her child.

Louise: OK—

4.

Dana walking out of the maternity ward with a doctor. They look extremely concerned. Not frantic but they are visibly troubled. Scott and Louise are looking towards them awaiting an explanation. Dana is walking a few steps behind a concerned looking doctor and Dana looks concerned herself as well.

Doctor Ferlit: Mr. and Mrs. Clayton?

Scott: Yes. What’s going on???

Page 9:

1.

We’re standing in front of the door now. The doctor is in scrubs. Dana is standing behind him trying to look calm but clearly unsettled. We’re looking at this from the side.

Doctor: The baby’s heart rate was dropping so we had to perform a cesarean, after we did that the mother sparked a fever so just as a precaution we’re taking care of her right now—

2.

We’re looking at Scott and Louise here. Louise looks very concerned. Her inner mother bear is coming out. She looks like she means business now. Scott looks calm cool and collected.

Louise: Can we see her????

3.

Looking at the four of them from the side. Scott again looks calm and collected as he listens to the doctor. Louise looks concerned. Dana looks unsettled. The doctor is trying to keep them calm and reassure them that he has the situation under control.

Doctor: No ma’am. We have everything under control right now, we’re monitoring everything closely. We just need for you guys to be patient ok?

4.

We’re looking at Scott and Louise again. Scott places a hand on Louise’ shoulder to calm her down while he again looks calm and collected.

Scott: OK. Thank you, doctor.

Scott: Come on Louise.

Page 10:

The scene- We’re now in a hospital waiting room the walls are lightly tinted windows and the chairs are visibly uncomfortable with a TV hanging in the corner of the room with a cartoon playing.

1.

Scott and Louise are sitting in chairs holding hands and praying together. Heads bowed and eyes closed. We’re looking at them head on and we can see and feel the uneasiness and level of angst there as while they pray a little kid runs in front of them playing while they pray.

(No dialogue)

2.

Louise with her head on Scott’s chest. They’re both sleeping. We’re looking at them head on. The doctor is not on panel.

Caption: 5 hours later

Doctor (not visible to us): Mr. and Mrs. Clayton?

Page 11:

The scene- We’re in Denise’s hospital room.

1.

Denise is lying in bed holding her new baby boy. She looks like she has had one HELL of a night. She is still beautiful but her hair is a mess, no makeup, she just gave birth a few hours ago after all. She is looking toward Marcy and smiling. Dana is sitting in a chair next to Denise smiling at the baby.

Doctor (voice over): …you ready to see your daughter and meet your new grandson?

2.

Denise lying in bed holding baby Marcel. She looks up and smiles as tears roll down her cheeks. We’re looking from what would be Scott and Louise’s perspectives Dana is smiling at Denise’ parents.

Denise: …..you came….

Page 12:

The scene- We are in a small house in the ghetto of Washington Park Illinois. Denise is on the phone with her concerned mother. This is their first night in the home and this is metaphorical of one chapter in a book ending as another begins. Denise, up until this point, has lived with her parents and this is a night of firsts. First night alone with Marcel, first night in a new home, first time she realizes something about her son is special.

1.

Denise holding Marcel (he is about 7 months old) she is trying to put him to sleep but he is resisting. Not crying but he, like most kids, wants to play. He is grabbing her ear.

Caption: Eight months later

Denise (on the phone): No mama he’s fine he just wanna play.

Louise (Denise’s mother): It’s not safe over there Denise. Just come back over here with me and Scott.

2.

Now we see Denise’s face. She is pacing and trying to rock Marcel to sleep.

Denise: mama I can’t.

Louise: Why not??

3.

Denise is leaning over and putting Marcel in a play pen in the living room with the phone held by her shoulder and ear. The living room is directly next to the kitchen. About 7 feet from where she is putting Marcy

Denise: Because you and daddy and Marcy and the jobs….mama I cant do all that no more.

Louise: what did we do that was so bad Denise?

4.

Denise is walking into the kitchen with the phone in his hand while Marcel is behind her in the play pen playing with his stuffed bear.

Denise: Mama I have two jobs, I work nights and days, you and daddy give me a list of chores whenever I get home, you charge me for babysitting Marcy, and on top of it I have a seven month old baby.

Louise: Ya lay down with dogs and you come up with flees.

5.

In the background Marcel has thrown his bear out of the play pen and is reaching for it. In the foreground we see Denise laughing while making a bottle for Marcel.

Denise: So you callin’ yo “grandbaby”, yo “lil Christmas” a flee?

Louise: No but that nigga you layed down with is a dog. You just lucky you got strong genes.

Page 13:

1.

Marcel is now levitating the bear with his mind, he is laughing. Denise does not notice and is shaking the bottle.

Denise: Oh I was meaning to tell you! Guess what Raymond sent me at work today.

Louise: What the dog send you Denise? He didn’t ask to marry you did he?!

Louise: Yo daddy would have a fit!

2.

Marcel in the background is now flying and playing with the bear in the background while levitating miscellaneous items around himself as well. Denise puts the bottle in the microwave.

Denise: NOOOO mama! He did not ask me to marry him. He just sent a letter. Saying how he needs some time to get himself together and that he’s gonna be a better man to me and a father to Marcy.

Louise: hmm.

Denise: mama don’t be like that. Im just putting him in God’s hands and holding out faith.

3.

Denise pulling the milk out of the microwave

Louise: you know how your daddy feels about him. The boy cheated on you how many times? And after what his mother said to us in Church?!

Denise: I know mama! But I gotta live my life and my son deserves to have his father in his life. You the one always told us to love our daddy

Louise: I know what I said Denise but you ought to listen to yo mama!

Louise: He can only fake so long before the real Raymond come back out again and then it won’t just be you hurt. It’ll be your child that’s put in jeopardy too.

4.

Let’s play with the reader here. You know those shows or movies where the audience can plainly see something but the character is blissfully ignorant? Like a sight gag? Let’s make that happen here. Denise is walking to the living room with her head looking down toward the bottle in her hands while Marcel is plainly floating in the air at eye level playing with his bear.

Denise: Mama lets talk about this later…

Louise: Alright Denise…What you doin now?

Denise about to give Marcy some warm milk to put him to sleep.

5.

Just before she looks up to see Marcel CLEARLY flying. She turns around and looks up.

Denise: you know what I think I’ll put some honey in honey in here like you taught me. My baby likes honey.

Page 14:

1.

Denise putting honey in Marcy’s milk. Marcy still playing and flying in the living room in the background.

Louise: Alright then Denise. Me and your daddy about to go to sleep.

Denise: Alright mama….wait! Can I talk to daddy real quick?

Louise: Scott!

2.

Denise screwing the top back on the bottle. Phone still held my her shoulder up to her ear.

Scott: Whats up Lala?

3.

Denise laughing and turning around facing her flying baby. Still looking down while she shakes the bottle up. Now holding the phone up to her ear

Denise: Hey daddy! I was wondering if you guys could watch Marcy tomorrow while I go shopping for a few hours?

Louise (yelling from the background): NO!

Scott: Yeah bring my grandbaby over.

Louise: Scott!

4.

Denise laughing while still shaking up the milk

Denise: Thanks daddy! Goodn--

Page 15:

Splash page. Denise finally looks up to notice Marcy flying and random objects floating around him. She drops the milk and the phone to the floor. And looks shocked!

Denise: OH MY GOD!!!! MARCY!!!

Scott: (through the phone that is laying on the floor because Denise dropped it): DENISE?! DENISE?! WHAT HAPPENED?! IM ON MY WAY!!!

Caption (Marcel/Gabriel): And that was the first time I flew….

Page 16:

The Scene- We’re in Raymond’s apartment. He’s a transporter at a hospital so it should be a pretty low-budget place.

1.

Raymond is sitting on his couch with the TV on a basketball game. He’s hunched over looking at a picture of his new born son that he took when he was in the hospital. Its one of those pictures from the cameras that print the picture out right after you took it.

Caption: Raymond’s apartment.

From the TV: --eight minutes left in the fourth quarter and this one is all but done.

2.

He leans back in the couch while still looking at this photo. Now with a father’s grin on his face.

Announcer 2: Yeah this one’s been the same story all night. They’ve been playing sloppy basketball since the tip.

(No dialogue here)

Page 17:

1.

Looking at Raymond’s eyes.

(No dialogue here)

2.

Looking at his face from the side now. He’s looking at the photo and has a full on ear-to-ear smile.

(No dialogue here)

3.

Raymond getting up and walking towards the kitchen.

TV Announcer: --and again! They’re on a 10-0 run now with 5:02 left in regulation and they’ve brought the score to within 10.

TV Announcer 2: Jay it’s like a different team has taken over. I mean talk about a complete turnaround!

4.

Raymond leaning up against the wall and looking at the TV still with that smile on his face.

Raymond: Ok! Here we go!

TV Announcer: --another defensive stop and Rob have we got a game now or what?

TV Announcer 2: Jay these guys were down 22 points three minutes ago and now they’ve closed the gap to a ten-point game. This has been amazing!

5.

Raymond bends over to pick up his basketball

TV Announcer: They really turned this thing around, Jay. They’ve been hustling after rebounds and playing good fundamental basketball and now they’ve given themselves a chance to possibly win this game.

TV Announcer 2: Nick, they really have made a remarkable turnaround in these final minutes of the game.

Page 18:

1.

Raymond spinning the ball on his finger as he watches the game.

TV Announcer 2: And rightfully so they take a timeout here to regroup. They need to calm down and come back to reality if theyre gonna avoid dropping this game here tonight.

(A knock at the door)

2.

Raymond looking up as he hears the knock at the door.

(No dialogue)

3.

Raymond walking towards the door.

TV Announcer: What a comeback they’ve mounted through the last few minutes. Total dominance on both ends of the floor.

4.

Raymond opens the door to see Sheila, the woman he’s been cheating on Denise with. Raymond has made the decision to be a proper father to his son and a proper man to Denise. And just as he sent Denise a note he also sent Sheila one.

Raymond: Sheila—

Sheila: So you gone leave me for that?!

Page 19:

1.

Sheila is getting in Raymond’s face. Raymond has both his hands up signifying that he isn’t touching her. Raymond has a history of hitting women. Including his own mother but with the exclusion of Denise. He’s terrified of her father.

Raymond: You need to calm down and lower your voice in my house—

Sheila: Fuck you and this ratty ass apartment! I pay the rent in this bitch any-damn-way!!!

2.

Raymond in the same position but looking off away from her. He’s getting more and more agitated with her.

Raymond: Sheila—

Sheila: FUCK YOU RAYMOND!!!

3.

Sheila pushes Raymond and he nearly falls over the coffee table behind him.

Sheila: You wanna leave me for some bitch and her little roach—

4.

Raymond now looks pissed because of what she said about his son. Raymond has bucked up and Sheila looks scared. Not terrified but she’s aware of Raymond’s anger.

Raymond: --What!?

Page 20:

1.

Raymond is calming himself down now.

Raymond: (exhales)

Raymond: You know what….

2.

Raymond stepping away from her towards the door.

Raymond: I’m not even finna deal with you Sheila.

Raymond: Its over.

3.

Raymond opening the door for her.

Raymond: You can go now.

Page 21:

1.

Sheila is boiling. The anger and hurt is just over flowing inside of her. Tears roll down her cheek

Sheila: ….So that’s just it Ray? This how you gone end it—

Raymond: Sheila. Please just leave. Im tired of this little kid games you always play.

2.

Sheila steps back and resistance.

(No dialogue here)

3.

Raymond leaves the door cracked open and walks towards her. He’s annoyed at this point.

Raymond: Sheila I got shit to do tomorrow. You can either walk out or be taken out.

4.

Sheila pulls a .22 out of her purse and points it at Raymond as he’s walking towards her.

Raymond: (Empty word bubble)

Page 22:

1.

Sheila pointing the gun at Raymond as she still cries

(No dialogue here)

2.

Sheila starts to scream hysterically as she knocks stuff over and makes enough noise for the neighbors

Sheila screaming: Raymond! Don’t!! Stopp!!!

3.

Raymond charging at her trying to get the gun away from her.

Sheila: Raymond Stop!!!!!

4.

Sheila shoots Raymond in the left temple at point blank range and he falls on his back.

Sheila: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Page 23:

1.

Raymond’s lifeless body lay on the floor as blood oozes from his wound.

(No dialogue)

2.

Sheila clinches her mouth as she looks down at his dead body. She looks scared. She realizes she just committed murder.

(No dialogue)

3.

She clinches her mouth shut with one hand and aims the gun at her own lower abdomen at an area where she knows she won’t hit anything vital.

(No dialogue)

4.

We’re looking at her eyes open up wide as she pulls the trigger and shoots herself in the leg.

(No dialogue)

Page 24:

1.

Sheila on the floor in front of Raymond’s body doubled over in pain. She bites into her purse strap to keep from screaming out loud

(No dialogue)

2.

She crawls over towards Raymond’s dead body and puts the gun in his hand.

(No dialogue)

3.

She crawls back into position in front of Raymond and lies there in pain. She begins to cry as she hears sirens approaching.

TV: Announcer: --and so the game comes to a close 98-95. The Tigers, who were seemingly about to mount a terrific comeback….come up to little

4.

We’re looking from the ceiling at Raymond’s lifeless body. His eyes are still open.

TV Announcer:…too late.

Page 25:

1.

Loo and Rev are exiting a portal atop this asteroid and they look like they just escaped with their lives. Loo is pregnant and very far along.Rev is holding her hand and leading her out of the Portal. Hi eyes are shining blue and hers are perpetually white.

The Scene- we are in space at the home of Loo and Rev.

Rev: Loo! Go!

2.

The portal closes and Rev is looking Loo in the eye now. This is an exceedingly urgent situation theyre in and their facial expressions should reflect that. Loo wishes to stay and fight with her husband and Rev is more concerned that His family survives.

Loo: No! I am every bit as powerful as any other Constant and I will not leave my husband to stand alone!

3.

Rev looks calm yet assertive. He is pleading with her.

Rev: Loo you need to go while you still can! They don’t know about our child yet and we’re still not sure what darkness has stricken them!

Rev: I will not endanger your and our son’s lives!

4.

She stands at him and looks as determined as ever to stay and fight.

(No dialogue)

5.

Now Rev looks angry. He is yelling.

Rev: Loo we do not have time for an argument! I need you to go!

6.

She snatches her hands away from him in defiance. She has tears rolling down her face but looks as fierce as ever.

Loo: And where Rev?! Where would you have me cower???

Page 26:

1.

Rev opens another portal in front of them and gestures towards it. Beyond the Portal is a giant white star.

Rev: I prepared this home for us as a surprise for when our boy was born. It will take them an eternity to find you here.

2.

He grabs her by her shoulders and looks her in the eyes. One final plea.

Rev: I beg you Loo….go. I will defeat the evil inside our brothers and we will return the natural order in the universe as God intended. Now Go!

3.

She looks assertive and takes a strong stance. With one hand placed atop her belly and the other balled in a fist

Loo: I am no weakling or coward! Your wife and son will stand by your—

4.

Now with tears beginning to roll down his face he grabs her and kisses her.

(No Dialogue)

5.

She pushes him away.

Loo: NO! You do not kiss me goodbye Rev!

6.

As she angers and screams out a white light shines even more brightly from her eyes and the asteroid begins to crumble.

Loo: YOU DON’T EVER KISS ME GOODBYE!

Page 27:

1.

Rev walks up to her with a calm look on his face.

(No Dialogue)

2.

He closes his eyes and places his hand atop her pregnant belly. She looks at him with a passionate countenance.

Rev: Very well my wife….

3.

They both look off to the side. They have sensed the immense darkness coming their way.

(No dialogue)

Page 28:

1.

Rev and Loo look back into eachothers eyes.

(No Dialogue)

2.

They bow their heads and close their eyes as if to pray.

(No Dialogue)

3.

A brilliant light shines from Loo’s belly as Rev has his hand on it. Loo stares at it with shock and awe.

Loo:…..is that…..Gabriels Constance??....The prophecy rings true….

4.

Loo looking up at Rev with an excited and joyful look on her face as Rev continues to keep his bowed and eyes closed.

Loo: Rev we can do this! God has smiled on us!!! We ca—

Rev: Forgive me Loo….

Page 29:

1.

Loo looking at Rev with a confused look on her face. He opens his eyes and reveals a brilliant white light shining from his now.

Rev: I do this because I believe it the best decision for us and our family and the creation we are bound to protect and maintain.

Loo: What are y—

2.

Rev using a small portion of his son’s powers in conjunction with his own and forcing Loo into the star and sealing it so that she may not leave. In this panel he is, with but a wave of his hand, forcing her through the portal and into the star.

(No Dialogue)

3.

Rev collapsing to his knees and looking at the hand he just used to channel his sons power.

Rev:….my God….what incredible power…my so—

4.

Space lightening crashes onto the asteroid and a black portal is formed. It should look like spiraling darkness. Rev looks on from his knees.

(No Dialogue)

5.

Rev rises to his feet and readies himself for battle as Cain and Paralay tear through this portal.

(No dialogue)

Page 30:

1.

They stand in front of Rev. they should look humanoid but also very dark and demonic. Blackened eyes and evil countenance. Physically Cain should be without a shirt and scarred all over his body [he is a constant of war] and Paralay should be slender and shrouded in black clothing. Rev is pleading with them)

Rev: My brothers. We do not have to do this!

2.

Close up on Cain’s face.

Rev: Fight the darkness of your flesh and claim victory in the name of God!

3.

Cain and Paralay have evil smiles on their faces as they look at Rev.

Paralay: Rev..do you really think a sermon is going to stop what is coming?

4.

Cain materializing a sword from what seems to be out of thin air.

Cain: You were warned and you took action.

Cain: But we will have our war, Rev…

Page 31:

1.

Full page splash of Rev. We’re looking at a full body shot of Rev. He looks absolutely stunned at what he is hearing. After all Cain and Paralay should have no knowledge of his son.

Cain:…The only things we seek to claim are the lives of you and your growing family

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#2  Edited By SOG7dc

Don't hesitate to comment and give your honest opinion.

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deactivated-5fbfd5d291164

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I'll read this in an hour or 2.

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Did anyone read this? If so, what did ja think?

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deactivated-5fbfd5d291164

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The story is pretty interesting but I did notice a few spelling errors.

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Any other critiques from anyone? I'd really appreciate some feedback

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@sog7dc:

Denise: I GIVE A F**K ABOUT MY SIN!!!!

Was this supposed to be son? Because it threw me off.

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#10  Edited By SOG7dc

@dagmar_merrill said:

@sog7dc:

Denise: I GIVE A F*CK ABOUT MY SIN!!!!

Was this supposed to be son? Because it threw me off.

Oops. That was a typo. It's supposed to be, "I DON'T GIVE A F**K ABOUT MY SIN!!!!"

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@sog7dc: Still kind of confusing.

The ideaw as she's having an enraged conversation with her mother on the phone. We don't "hear" what the mother says we just see Denise's reactions. Maybe it'll be clearer once My guy is finished Drawing it.

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@sog7dc: hey dude nice to see you back online. Been too long. Its 2 am right now so I'll try an read this tomorrow.

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@sog7dc: Welcome back :)

oh! Its the comic you were talking about. I am eager to read it.

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@allstarsuperman: @squalleon:

Thanks guys! Don't be afraid to tell me it sucks. I need to get better as a writer and critical feedback only helps that.

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@sog7dc: Hey, my friend! Welcome back (for the weekend)! will give it a read now!

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@sog7dc: Dude you're back! :D Good to see you again for a short time. Is this a refined version of your first issue script that you showed me a while ago?

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@lvenger:

How's it going man? Thanks :). I'm just here for the weekend because our season and classes begin this week. Just wanted to stop in for a little while. And I wouldn't exactly call this revised but it is highly modified but yes it is that same story.

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@sog7dc: It's going good, how are things with you? So your college classes are starting? Mine don't start until late September heh :P Are you still working on that same series with that artist friend of yours? And I'll give this a read soon.

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#22  Edited By SOG7dc

@lvenger:

They were going great until I tore my Achilles. Other than that everything's great. Yeah I was upset to realize I start tomorrow. Especially considering summer classes just ended for me. Yeah i am. It's slowly coming together but it IS coming together.

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@sog7dc: Oh dear, I'm sorry that happened. When did you tear them, during football practice? And do you know when the first issue will make it out?

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@lvenger:

That's te heart breaking part. I was competing to start this season. Realistically I know te offense better so I was, in all likelihood, going to be the starter until I decided to walk out to my car from my form to get my phone. I made it two steps and *snap*. Totally out of nowhere. First issue SHOULD be completed by November (I realize we're no better than Lee and Snyder with the delays lol)

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@sog7dc: Damn I feel for you man, when you left, you sounded real dedicated to your football practice and now this has happened :( I hope your tendon gets better soon. Did the doctor tell you how long it would take to repair?

And nah you aren't as bad as Snyder and Lee cause those guys are professionals with an entire company to fall on. Well it's more Lee's fault than anything, Snyder told me over Twitter that his scripts were done. You're just two guys talking over The Internet so you can take as long as you need.

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@lvenger:

They said 9 months optimistically. I've always been a fast healer though so hopefully and prayerfully I'll get back to form and play next season. My goal is to be ready for spring scrimmages. I really appreciate the kind words though, man. Goes to show how caring people can be even to someone they've never met in person.

We're trying to really take our time because we want to put it online and submit it to Image. His art is stellar, I just hope

My writing is as good.

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@sog7dc: Well hopefully your immune system and treatment gets you better soon. This stuff is pretty good btw, much more refined than the last time I checked it over.

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@lvenger:

Pull no punches. Critique me as you would Snyder, Pak or Johns. Your critiques before were invaluable.

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@sog7dc said:

@lvenger:

Pull no punches. Critique me as you would Snyder, Pak or Johns. Your critiques before were invaluable.

I'm not certain I can evaluate it all like I did before since you'll be gone tomorrow.

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@lvenger:

Whatever you feel comfortable doing, I appreciate. Don't feel any pressure. I'm thankful for whatever you offer. I can always just check this thread again tomorrow. I just don't plan on being an active poster for a while

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@sog7dc: I'll try and do some today though since you asked so kindly and I did enjoy helping you out with this.

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I'm still confused as to the connection between Loo and Rev and Marcel. Since you don't plan to explain that connection in this issue, it will leave the reader confused about the family drama on Earth and the cosmic civil war in space.

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@lvenger:

They're his "biological" parents. And you're right, it wouldn't hurt this issue to clarify that fact.

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@sog7dc: I hate to be Miss Negative comment but the whole thing is rather long, even for script form. The premise of the idea is good bu4 it has trouble holding the focus of the reader.

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@impurestcheese:

I appreciate the honesty. I think maybe I was being overly cautious because this is my first script. Maybe I went overboard with this. I'll remedy this issue in the future :)

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@sog7dc: Well let me know when part 2 arrives, and then like Libra; I'll pass judgment on what I see

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#37  Edited By SOG7dc
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I'm reading it now.

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@superguy1591:

Did you hate it? Don't be afraid to be honest. I need the critique.

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@impurestcheese said:

@sog7dc: I hate to be Miss Negative comment but the whole thing is rather long, even for script form. The premise of the idea is good bu4 it has trouble holding the focus of the reader.

This is actually something I was holding back too. You are most definitely cramming a lot in here and given that it's just you and one other artist, this could be a lot to take in for a first issue. And in case you have the time to read this, the Dana conversation is something that does prolong this issue perhaps a little unnecessarily. She doesn't show up later in your issue so, whilst I really don't want to make any kind of suggestion that would affect your vision for this story, maybe take this out and just have the cesarean part take place. Just my suggestion though.

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@sog7dc: I liked your story and I feel it's coming along pretty well. I agree that the only things that need some work are a few spelling mistakes and further expounding on the relationship between Loo, Rev, and Marcel so things will be cleaner for the reader.

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@lvenger:

I read my schedule incorrectly. My classes don't start until next Monday.

Definitely something to think about. Ang had mentioned something along those lines as well. Thanks, man. This is invaluable to me.

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#45  Edited By BumpyBoo  Moderator

@sog7dc said:

@dagmar_merrill said:

@sog7dc:

Denise: I GIVE A F**K ABOUT MY SIN!!!!

Was this supposed to be son? Because it threw me off.

Oops. That was a typo. It's supposed to be, "I DON'T GIVE A F**K ABOUT MY SIN!!!!"

Hi both.

I have slapped some asterisks on these, as well as the word in the story itself. I get that this expletive is very much relevant to the work but come on, you guys should both know better.

Nice work btw ;)

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@bumpyboo:

Oh man! I'm sorry about that. It didn't cross my mind to censor that. Thanks for the complement btw.

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#47 BumpyBoo  Moderator

@sog7dc: No biggie mate, just something to be mindful of in future. And you're welcome ^_^

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@sog7dc: I just finished during lunch. i like it, just have to fix some math and punctuation and you'll be good.

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#49  Edited By SOG7dc

@superguy1591:

Such a relief that someone with standards like yours likes something I wrote. Thank you.

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