Steampunk FanFic

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HellBlaz3rtheRazemach1ne

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Ok this is my fan fiction and it's kinda short, not the best. Give me feed back on how it is?

Steampunk Mario

Aliases: Mario Mario, "Bill", Mushroom Muncher (classmates), Mari (Daisy), Dough Boy (Bowser)

The gear turning tea sipping mushroom eating mechanic from an alternate steam punk universe is a more aggressive and more serious version of Mario. Aged 39 standing at 5'11", this orphan grew up in the mushroom kingdom adopted by a family old old toads. His brother dying at the hands of Bill the bullet whiz when he was only 8 years old. From there on he spent his time plotting revenge, eating constantly and working out 24/7, studying mechanics and architecture, and enhancing his physique and mind until he found it to be perfection. Going to the Toadstool university at 16 years old and training in the Olympics, Mario Mario soon found himself to have a knack with machinery, and also having astounding strength and speed. He could leap greater than that of anyone in the mushroom kingdom and was one of the best students in Toadstool University. He soon made friends with Toad Jr. His distant cousin and Bowser Jr. his best friend and lab partner. The trio took on the world together side by side and thought nothing could get in their way. Mario even had a cheerleader girlfriend named Peach and a Engineer hometown sweetheart named Daisy. When he was 21 years old he had the best day on his birthday, he got a new pet named Yoshi and he won three gold medals in the Olympics, he also graduated TU and was walking to the cloud kingdom with the rest of his trio to hang at their favorite spot. That's when Bowser Jr. lost it and started to weep explaining how his father hired Bill to kill Mario's brother. He also explained how he wanted to be the opposite of his old man. Enraged, Mario beat Bowser Jr nearly to death in anger. Toad Jr. stopped Mario before he could lay down the last punch and Mario shut out Bowser Jr. , who felt darkness begin to fill his heart. After taking Bowser Jr. to the hospital, Mario and Toad went to eat at the mushroom cafe, and walked to Mario's house to check on his parents. When they arrived they found the house in flames. Panicking, Mario ran to the house breaking down the door and searching for his adoptive parents. After searching through the collapsing building, Mario found his mother and father's corpses, with Bowser's insignia carved on the floor between them. Suddenly he was hit in the head with a collapsing support beam. After five years he woke up finding Toad visiting him and discovering Bowser Corporations took over most of the land and that his two girlfriends forgot about him. Remembering everything that happened, Mario fell into a deep depression and started working at a steel factory earning enough to feed him for one hour. The workers started to protest and demand to be paid more, while Mario stayed hidden in the crowd not taking part in it. Not until his boss was fired and they were all laid off, that's when something happened to him, something snapped. Mario searched and searched for Bill and after two years of unemployment found him. He took the middle class old man by surprise, beating down the gunslinger. Trying to get back to his feet, Bill pulled out his revolver shooting Mario in his earlobe causing it to bleed and giving him partial deafness in his left ear. Mario then rushed at he man before he could make a momve and threw him out the tower window to plummet to his death. Then taking his clothes and growing out his facial hair to disguise himself as Bill so he could give to the poor and get closer to Bowser. Working for Bowser under a year, Bowser was impressed with his hitman's advanced mechanical knowledge and incredible physical feats. Pondering making "Bill" his right hand man. Eventually Bowser's money was slowly vanishing and more mid class citizens were popping up. Suspicious, Bowser Jr. investigates, finding Mario about to steal from a vault. The adult Jr. confronts Mario demanding to know who he is and pushes Mario the the ground knocking Mario's hat off and cracking his goggles. The two former friends stare at each other for the first time in years and hold the stare for minutes. After the shock, Bowser comes into the room seeing the scene and realizes Mario is a fake growling and fights Mario. Although Mario shows great athletic ability, his strength is no match for Bowser. Overwhelmed, he looks around finding a screwdriver and drives it into Bowser's stomach, stunning the tyrant. He then leaps out of the building onto one of the floating steam ships and runs away as Bowser calls his lackies and the police, making sure Mario is the most wanted in all kingdoms and lands. Mario takes refuge in the deepest part of the cloud kingdom, living amongst peaceful people. He there finds mentors who teach him how to fight and build contraptions that seem dream like. He eventually gains many skills traveling the world's being taught how to unlock his true potential. Traveling the world's once more to take out and remove the corrupt, while doing so undetected.

Eventually he found Toad and told him about his great journey and found out Toad kept Yoshi safe in their old tree house, also convincing Toad to join him to stop Bowser. Using his new abilities taught around the world, Mario was prepared. Being taught Form of Steel, a metal martial arts from an underground kingdom. The spiritual and mental martial art made Mario convince his body to be as hard as steel, his bones, flesh, muscle, and organs become nearly unbreakable do to this and his pores close to unbelievable size, becoming almost non existent pores. In the water kingdom he could learn to hold his breath for nearly 30 minutes and in other kingdoms he could learn to lower and drop his body temperature to adapt at will, he could also make himself weigh more or less when needed. Using these skills along with his new invention called the fire shooter, he felt he couldn't be stopped. His fire shooter's fuel tank was surprisingly light and could adjust from temperatures 70 degrees to 1000 degrees Fahrenheit. He had an identical liquid nitrogen shooter that he gave to Toad and they began their journey back to Mushroom Kingdom to visit Bowser's tower and take him by surprise. When sneaking in, they took out a few body guards and were surprised to find out that Bowser knew they were already there and he was wearing a large steel steam powered battle suit. Towering over the duo and protected by 40 inch thick steel, the duo fought bravely. Using the hottest and coldest temperatures they had, it did little to nothing on the suit. Realizing that Mario was outmatched, Bowser laughed and shot even hotter fire out of his suit preparing poison gas. Mario and Toad ran away again into the sewers battered and beaten, Ashamed at their failure. On the run for awhile, they were approached by a Shyguy, one of Bowser's goons. He was different though, seemed older, and insane. The shy guy walked up to Mario and said "you have potential to unlock the power of stars." He then touched Mario knocking him out. He had a dream that lasted a week, where he went on an amazing adventure in dream world's and space. Waking up he kept day dreaming to the point where Toad had concern asking Mario if he was ok. Mario shrugged off his questions as they kept running. Only later did Mario see his true potential when he was imprisoned by Bowser along with Toad. Being in Jail for months Mario kept dreaming in his cell, eventfully being brought in front of Bowser for an execution. Harnessing his power he stole the power of a distant star, glowing yellow he fought with Bowser who was in his super suit. Mario touched Bowser disintegrating his suit and eventually his body, then slowly his form started to fade. He fell to the floor, battered and with ripped sizzling clothes. The form put a great strain on his body. Bowser Jr. surprisingly nourished his friend back to health, stopping the execution and bringing order back to the Mushroom Kingdom. After healing Mario thanked Bowser and wen't to live a life with his wife Daisy and pet Yoshi. While Toad became the right hand man of Bowser Jr. Mario would then finally get his happy ending, until he was needed yet again to fight some brute named Kong.

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ImpurestCheese

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#2  Edited By ImpurestCheese

Nope. Put this into more readable paragraphs, a big block of text puts off readers/. Also went doesn't need an apostrophe

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HellBlaz3rtheRazemach1ne

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Didn't realize I put an apostrophe. You could at least give feedback on the story itself

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ImpurestCheese

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#4  Edited By ImpurestCheese

@hellblaz3rtherazemach1ne: To be brutally honest at this point the content of the story really doesn't matter because the quality of the writing is letting it down. Between the two things mentioned above not to mention poor connectivity of the sentences throwing off the flow of the story. What you need to do is look at some of the other fan-fic on the board, such as those written by @batkevin74 or @tommythehitman ,and look at how the story is structure, that's how I improved my writing skills.

In addition I noticed you posted an edited version of this on another thread. You needn't have done that, you should have edited the one above. If you need help don't hesitate to call or PM me.

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TommytheHitman

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ImpurestCheese

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#6  Edited By ImpurestCheese

@tommythehitman: Okay, not the first time it's happened: you, BK and cbishop are often quoted as being writers whose work is top tier by me

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batkevin74

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@hellblaz3rtherazemach1ne: Give me feed back on how it is?Ok, you asked.

This is two WALLS of text which is unreadable. If you want me, or anyone to comment on it, then present it in a readable way then sure I'll read it. This could be awesome but if you don't care enough to put it into paragraphs then why should I bother?

Mario as Steampunk could really work. Just wish someone would write some...