Star Wars Blood Money: #1

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TommytheHitman

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Tatooine, 5 years after Star Wars Episode 3

The sun glistened over the planet. The sounds of a dozen different species going about their business filled the air. there used to be a time when Kano Marnell would have cared about this. At this current time he couldn't care less. All he wanted to do was have a drink. Mos Eisley spaceport. There were fewer places with more scum and villainy. Kano pushed his way through a crowd and stepped into a bar. Everyone inside turned and stared at him. Over half moved their hands towards their blasters. They probably had bounties on their heads. Kano ignored them and sat down at the bar table.

"Give me one nerfherder." Kano muttered placing a credit on the table. The Tradoshian barkeeper stared at him in bewilderment.

"You sure you've come to the right place? We don't like your kind here. Clone." The words sounded cold. They were meant to be. Kano didn't care.

"I'm sorry maybe you didn't hear me. I didn't know Tradoshians were as stupid as they were ugly." Kano smiled and started to slowly mouth his words. "NE-RF-HE-RD-ER." Kano said and made a drinking motion. Despite what he was saying Kano had great respect for the Tradoshians. Their brutality was admirable. Kano most likely got this trait from his "father" Jango Fett. The barkeeper scowled and started mixing Kano's drink up.

"Oh how the mighty have fallen."

Kano turned his head towards the voice. A young Twi'lek stood next to him wearing full body armor.

"Hello Zeraka." Kano said as he snatched the drink out of the bartender's hands.

"What brings the mighty Kano Marnell to Mos Eisley?"

"Don't try to act social with me Z. The first time you met you tried to kill me." Kano pointed to a scar on his cheek. A painful memory of where the Twi'lek's viroblade had slashed him.

"Well you were a clone trooper. Soon to be Stormtrooper. I thought you were trying to kill me!"

Zeraka Twinsoly. A young Twi'lek who once held the record for the biggest bounty in Republic space. Strapped to her belt were several lightsabers. Apparently she'd once even faced off against the combined might of Anakin Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi and had eluded them.

" What do you want Z? I'm busy."

"Your advice."

"You couldn't have called? You do have my holo number."

"I want to know how to kill Jedi."

Kano stared in surprise. That was the last question he wanted to answer. Or even expect to.

"Please. You've killed more Jedi then I ever could."

"True but this one's different. I have an advantage and I'm definitely going to need to use it."

"Which is?"

"He's your old master."

Kano's eyes widened as he realized what the Twi'lek was saying.

"I'll meet you outside in 3 minutes."

"What are you doing?"

"Finishing my business in Mos Eisley."

Zeraka smiled and walked out of the bar. Kano turned back to his original position and drank his drink in one gulp.

"Hey barkeep. Is your name... Tomar Tar Hitare?" Kano asked.

The Tradoshian turned angrily.

"Yeah. Who's asking?!"

Kano fired his shotgun hitting the alien in the chest. His body collapsed on the floor. Kano holstered his weapon and sighed. Everyone in the bar stared at him in silence.

"Move along." Kano muttered as he walked out of the bar into the glistening sunlight.

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AweSam

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#3  Edited By AweSam

This is actually really interesting. Keep it up.

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TommytheHitman

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#4  Edited By TommytheHitman

@awesam: Thanks man. I've been meaning to write it for awhile.

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mrdecepticonleader

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Really nice work! Off to a great start. And you have made this Kano character quite intriguing I already want to find out more about him :)

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TommytheHitman

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4donkeyjohnson

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Is this Star Wars/Mortal Kombat?

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TommytheHitman

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If I had to pass on advice which was given to me, this is what I'd say:

Show, don't tell. This is pretty important and I used to be bad for it. There were times where things you said were already implied, but you then described them anyway. By doing this it can come off that you are suggesting the reader isn't intelligent or in tune enough to pick up on what you were saying. A few examples were:

"You sure you've come to the right place? We don't like your kind here. Clone." The words sounded cold.
The words sounding cold was already implied through the dialogue and sentence structure, so there's no real need to then say that the words were spoken in such a way.
Kano smiled and started to slowly mouth his words. "NE-RF-HE-RD-ER."
Again, the slow mouth wording is already shown, so there's no need to mention it.

Other than that I thought it was pretty good, and I liked the twist with Zeraka.

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dngn4774

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#10  Edited By dngn4774

If I had to pass on advice which was given to me, this is what I'd say:

Show, don't tell. This is pretty important and I used to be bad for it. There were times where things you said were already implied, but you then described them anyway. By doing this it can come off that you are suggesting the reader isn't intelligent or in tune enough to pick up on what you were saying. A few examples were:

"You sure you've come to the right place? We don't like your kind here. Clone." The words sounded cold.

The words sounding cold was already implied through the dialogue and sentence structure, so there's no real need to then say that the words were spoken in such a way.

Kano smiled and started to slowly mouth his words. "NE-RF-HE-RD-ER."

Again, the slow mouth wording is already shown, so there's no need to mention it.

Other than that I thought it was pretty good, and I liked the twist with Zeraka.

I'm pretty guilty with doing this myself. I agree with @i_like_swords' first example but disagree with the second. Spelling out Nerfherder expresses Marnell's arrogance in the moment so I wouldn't advise editing that part. It's a good opener but I still feel like I wanted a little more. Either way, I'm looking forward to reading the next part.