RATED: MA, just in case
This takes place IN CONTINUITY of both Tommythehitman's Sharpshot and my Scalphunter, with consequences on their respective universes. So if you read Marvel Iron Age or CORRUPTED or any of Sharpshot's other universe stuff or just want something to read, then this is for you. Enough spruiking...
**
The beam of red light faded and Sharpshot stood in a white featureless place. He patted himself down making sure he was all there as he looked around “This looks slightly familiar”
He pulled a key from his utility belt and started spinning it around in his hand as he looked all around at the endless white “Hello? Bueller? Anyone? This is kinda boring for someone of my limited attention span y’know?”
A red beam appeared a few feet in front of him.
“Now we’re talkin!”
A man in a red and black uniform holding a katana appeared, totally oblivious. Sharpshot shrugged, pulled his pistol out and BLAM! Shot him square in the back of the head. “It was getting too crowded, sorry dude!” Sharpshot tapped the bleeding body with his foot and began to wander off aimlessly.
“OKAY, I’M BORED NOW! Even though it does remind me of that place in Wolfram & Hart…Oh my god! I’m working for the Senior Partners!”
“Sweet starking starkballs!” said the man as he got up rubbing the back of his head “Messed up my starking hair!”
“Stark? What the $#%# is stark?”
“What the stark is $#%#?”
“Stark?...As in Tony Stark? Love the Downey!”
The pair looked at each other intently. Similar weaponry, similar build, similar costuming.
“Are you my doppelganger from some soon to be known alternate universe?” asked Sharpshot.
“And I thought I talked a lot of crazy!” said the man “So you’re Scalphunter?”
“HELL NO! Callum Hawke aye kay aye Sharpshot!” he proudly took an exaggerated bow.
Scalphunter cocked his head to the side at the bent over figure before him, shrugged and kicked him square in the face, sending him flying backwards.
“Shoot me in the head will ya?” chastised Scalphunter kicking his katana up into his hand “Very unsporting, but exactly what I’d do. Maybe you’re just a poor dumb photocopy of me”
Sharpshot kipped up and spun his pistols like a cowboy “Its show time! Pew pew pew” Bullets shot out, Scalphunter spinning and ducking through some but getting hit by a few. “Stand still ya varmint!”
“Not bad Buckshot” commented Scalphunter “For a girl!”
“IT’S SHARPSHOT!”
“Okay Tetanus Shot settle down!” Scalphunter swung a high, telegraphed shot which Sharpshot easily ducked but copped a knee in the face rattling his teeth. “Seriously you fell for that?”
Sharpshot staggered back, wiping his mouth “Call me something other than m…”
“Grapeshot! Hotshot! Birdshot! Boostershot!" Scalphunter counted them through “Dropshot! Crackshot! Bankshot!”
“You forgot Deadshot!” replied Sharpshot as he blew the nonexistent smoke off the barrel.
“Not in this universe son” looking straight at you, the reader.
“Hey! Only I’m allowed to break the fourth wall!” Sharpshot unloaded again only to have the premier assassin of the Supreme Commander leap out of the way.
Click-click-click
“Aww no more bwullets” mocked Scalphunter as he drew his pistol “Have some of mine”
Sharpshot looked quizzically at his guns then looked up and saw Scalphunter’s gun aiming for his forehead. He yelped and turned tail running in a zigzag pattern. Scalphunter stopped and rubbed his temple with the barrel of the gun watching the scene of the young man running for his life in a left-right pattern.
“WHERE ARE YOU GOING?” called Scalphunter “SEEMS WE’RE IN MILES AND MILES OF…WELL, WHITE!
"...I'm sorry what?”
Scalphunter cupped his hands to his mouth “I said you starkwit, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?”
“Away from you!”
Scalphunter aimed carefully and squeezed the trigger twice, capping Sharpshot in the buttocks. “MONEYSHOT!”
Sharpshot yelped as he limped away, the wound semi-paralysing his left leg “Stupid featureless plane of existence? Where’s the %^$&g is the cover? What the stark is going on? My unlimited ammo guns RUN OUT! This is starking b%$!!#+! Oh god I’m talking like that idiot!”
“WHAT ARE YOU MUTTERING ABOUT!” called Scalphunter as he skipped towards him.
Sharpshot knocked an arrow “I SAID RELIC HUNTER, YOU’RE A STARKING IDIOT!” The arrow flew straight and true. Scalphunter caught the arrow in an impressive clap, the tip mere millimetres from his throat. He snapped the arrow over his knee and continued skipping.
“Oh $%#^ off!” groaned Sharpshot as he screwed a bulky arrow head onto another arrow “Let’s see you pull that ninja crap this time.” The arrow flew straight and true again, Scalphunter did the splits and the arrow sailed harmlessly over his head. Sharpshot cursed.
“Who trained you?” asked Scalphunter as he watched the arrow sail away into the white void.
Sharpshot smiled proudly “Conner Hawke and Batman”
“Well whoever they are, they did a terrible job!” laughed Scalphunter “You should ask for a refund! Seriously, you are worse than Cut Throat and he’s a starking joke!”
“Stop staying starking! It’s not a curse word” said Sharpshot drawing his own katana.
Scalphunter stopped and crossed his arms “You really think you have ANY kind of chance. Let’s make this sporting shall we?” Scalphunter held out his hand and lopped it off, shrieking like an animal. Sharpshot nearly threw up in his mouth.
“Jesus! You okay?”
“Stings a little,” replied Scalphunter as he jammed the bleeding stump into his armpit “But now Carpshot, now you have a chance of beating me…well until it grows back”
"WILL YOU STOP CALLING ME NAMES!" barked Sharpshot as he charged in swinging wildly. Scalphunter easily parried the blows. Sharpshot thrashed as Scalphunter merely went through the motions.
“This is just embarrassing.” yawned Scalphunter as he rolled away and sheathed his sword “I’m not going to have you pock mark my sword as you hack at me like some kind of drunken lumberjack”
“You are soooo annoying!” growled Sharpshot.
“Better annoying than useless” countered Scalphunter as he smashed his stump into Sharpshot’s face “Is it gangrenous doc?”
Sharpshot dropped his sword in a fit of disgust and vomited heartily onto the ground “That is the MOST disgusting thing that has ever happened to me! Oh my god!”
Scalphunter chuckled as he watched the seemingly endless vomit churn forth. He tapped his foot as he looked at his imaginary watch “You done?”
“I’m going to kill you!” He wiped the flecks from his mouth “I’m going to kill you so dead and then, and then I'm probably gonna get laid!”
“There are only two of us here stark for brains. And if you kill me, fat chance, you’re going to have sex…with my corpse?”
“…no, I meant…”
“Hey whatever floats your boat Slapshot, you sick corpse raping motherstarker!”
“I’M NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR DEAD BODY!” Sharpshot lashed out catching Scalphunter by the collar. Scalphunter returned the favour bringing the pair nose to nose. It all went silent and awkward for a moment as the two killers from very different universes were so close their eyelashes brushed the others cheek. Each inhaled the others exhalation, like some weird homoerotic cycle.
“Is that your gun digging into my hip?” asked Sharpshot. Scalphunter blushed a little and shook his head in the negative. Sharpshot roared in disgust and head butted him, spreading his nose across his face. Sharpshot followed up with a punch in the throat and several kidney punches. Scalphunter tried to get his guard up but the blows fell thick and fast.
“You’re good Scalpie,” Sharpshot held the assassin’s chin in one hand and drew back his big right fist “But I’m better! Like way better. Batman better!”
He fist homed in on the prone chin when Scalphunter caught it in his newly regrown hand “Too busy monologging Potshot!” With a deft twist he wrenched Sharpshot’s arm behind his back and kicked his feet out from under him.
“Wasn’t…monologging…much” winced Sharpshot as his arm was being pulled in an irregular angle. He exhaled slowly and dislocated his shoulder, flipping Scalphunter over his head. “Jesus that hurts!”
Scalphunter rolled back up into a standing position “You gonna pop that back in? It’s kinda gross!”
“You chopped off your own %$^#g hand and you’re disgusted at my dislocated shoulder?” cried Sharpshot “You’re…hey…how did your hand grow back?”
“I’m a mutant, stupid!”
“So why didn’t your hand grow a whole nother you?” asked Sharpshot as his shoulder clicked back in with a liquid pop.
“That’s quite an intelligent question from someone who fights like an epileptic kid!” retorted Scalphunter looking at his hand lying on the white ground “Stark, imagine another me?”
“One of you is bad enough!” Sharpshot stepped in and jammed his wrist blade into Scalphunter’s ribs and twisted. Scalphunter snarled and rammed his hand into Sharpshot’s mouth gripping the lower mandible.
“Owowowowowowowowow!” mumbled Sharpshot with a mouthful of fingers as Scalphunter tried to twist his face off. Callum’s teeth crunched down on the digits causing Scalphunter to squeal. He began slapping Sharpshot’s face like a naughty puppy that was clinging to a newspaper.
“Bad dog! Bad dog!”
“Thstop hutting mwe!” garbled Sharpshot as he clamped his teeth down tighter and gave the blade another twist, gouging more flesh. Scalphunter twisted further as he felt the teeth grating on his finger bones.
“ENOUGH!”
In a blink of an eye both Sharpshot and Scalphunter were separated and hanging in midair like marionette puppets. Walking towards them across the void was a blue humanoid with white hair in a yellow robe.
“Who the $%^# are you?” snapped Sharpshot as he twisted against the invisible strings keeping him aloft.
“Yeah what he said!” added Scalphunter.
“Why is it when I bring any of you mortals together, you fight!” said the man as he approached them “It must be hardwired into your DNA”
“I’ll hardwire YOUR DNA!” said Sharpshot.
“Is that supposed to scare him?” asked Scalphunter.
“Yeah…what, you think you could do better Hunt For Red October?”
Scalphunter shook his head as he tried to fathom the question, “What?”
“It’s a movie!” groaned Sharpshot “Why can’t I ever be in a universe that gets my jokes?”
“If they’re you’re jokes, that’s another reason I should stick my sword up you’r…”
“I SAID ENOUGH!” roared the man at a level beyond what would be humanely possible “You both gibber like monkeys!”
“He started it!’ protested Scalphunter pointing at his opponent.
“Did not!”
“Did too!”
“AHHHHHH!” with a wave of his hand two muzzles magically appeared over their mouths and clamped them shut “This will teach me to choose champions from non canon universes. But they were the rules we set.” With a click of his fingers the trio were standing in an ancient arena in the vastness of space. All of their wounds were healed, muzzles gone.
“This is like Star Trek cool!” said Sharpshot excitedly “Are you Q?”
The blue man raised an eyebrow “I am the Grandmaster”
“Wikiddy-whack to the blue and yellow attack!” rapped Sharpshot as he threw up some enthusiastic gang signs. “It’s like a jungle sometimes, makes me wonder how I keep from going under!”
“Do you need both of us?” asked Scalphunter “Coz I’ll just kill stark for brains here and go win you a prize, if that is what this is all about?”
Grandmaster stroked his chin in contemplation.
“HEY! BLUE MAN GROUP!” Sharpshot drew his pistols “You and Scalphunter-gatherer are getting on my freakin nerves! Him more so than you! Now what the %^$#@ is going on?”
“I have entered into a wager with another being from another universe,” said the Grandmaster as he gazed into space “We were to each choose beings from universes so far unmolested by ones…” He stopped as both Scalphunter and Sharpshot begun sniggering “How the human race ever got out of the primordial ooze…You pair will fight for me. Yo…”
“Ahem!” Sharpshot held his hand up “Point of order. Why are you molesting universes?”
The Grandmaster clicked his fingers and the muzzle reappeared over Sharpshot’s mouth.
“If it’s easier, I’ll kill him right here, right now!” said Scalphunter drawing his sword.
Grandmaster shook his head “You pair will fight a pair chosen by my opponent.”
Sharpshot pulled the key he carried around out of his pocket and placed it in the lock on the side of the muzzle. With a deft click he turned it and to his surprise, unlocked the muzzle and he removed the device. The Grandmaster looked at him in complete bewilderment.
“What? Do I have something in my teeth?” asked Sharpshot covering his mouth.
“Just say the word Smurfasaurus…” goaded Scalphunter twirling his sword.
“Are these you champions?” the tone was droll and condescending as a man in black seated upon a chair appeared out of nowhere.
“It’s we are the champions douche bag!” snipped Sharpshot as he shook his pistol trying to make it work.
The man in the chair glared at Sharpshot and Scalphunter before turning to the Grandmaster “You’ve cheated!”
“How so?”
“That one is a mutant!”
“Mutants are still humans, when they are human mutants, Metron” The Grandmaster smiled.
“I am so glad you agree Grandmaster” Metron smiled a cruel smile as his champions came into view.
“We shall not suffer a spider to live” said Scalphunter as he locked eyes on the six-armed man in the spider motif costume.
“Hmmmm” growled Grandmaster.
Metron smiled “May I introduce my champions; Spider-Man and Captain Robert of Tokugawa!”
A man stepped forward looking somewhat like a pirate ninja hybrid. He bowed slightly.
“This is Sharpshot and Scalphunter” said Grandmaster.
“Could you put a bit of oomph into it?” asked Sharpshot “Seriously that was one of the weakest introductions EVER!”
“I tend to agree with Scattershot,” added Scalphunter as he cleared his throat “May I? LADIES & GENTLEMINDS!”
Sharpshot chimed in “BOYS & GIRLS OF ALL AGES!”
“PRESENTING THE PREMIER ASSASSIN IN THE SERVICE OF THE SUPREME COMMAN…”
“SHARPSHOT!”
Scalphunter stopped and looked at him as he danced around like a prize fighter “What the stark are you doing?”
“Introducing myself, der!” replied Sharpshot.
“That’s it!” Scalphunter drew his sword “You’re starking dead!”
Sharpshot drew his guns “STARK is not a swear word d!^k#e@d!”
Metron chuckled as the Grandmaster separated the pair with a wall of invisible force. The Elder of the Universe looked at his two choices “If you two fail, your universes die!”
“So?” quipped Sharpshot “I’m not even FROM the universe you plucked me from. Go ahead!”
The Grandmaster grabbed them both by the scruff of the neck like naughty schoolboys “You two are worse than children! Kill those two or I will throw you both into a black hole!”
“My guns don’t work”
“My guns don’t work!” mocked Scalphunter.
“They do now!” spat Grandmaster as he waved his hand “Now get to work!”
And so Sharpshot and Scalphunter faced off against six-armed Spider-Man and the pirate ninja, as Metron and Grandmaster watched on from up high. Sharpshot slowly raised his gun towards the back of Scalphunter’s head.
To be continued…
**
Notes:
Captain Robert? Well he’s from the very first Character Creation Contest http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic-8/character-creation-contest-1-fan-fic-edition-696255/?
Six-Armed Spider-Man is from the picture I won from ANOTHER fan-fic comp here on CV, brilliantly drawn by @iceprince_x
Scalphunter is “owned” by me. Sharpshot by @tommythehitman
I went through and cut & pasted EVERY single line of Sharpshot dialog for referencing from all 16 chapters of his series, the 7 appearances in The Brain from CORRUPTED, the 2 ‘Merica chapters and the 4 Injustice appearances to get his style, tone and speech 92% correct. He’s not a bad character for not having any powers asides from the ability to get into more trouble :)
“It’s like a jungle sometimes, makes me wonder how I keep from going under!” is taken from Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five's song "The Message". Tis a most excellent song, hopefully me using that one line is okay by them and will easily be removed if they take offence to me using it.
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