@wildvine:
Sweet! A lot of potential for a series here. Characters are already starting to show distinct voices (the more clinical June, the more casual Punky), and I see you've followed my advice in expositing physical characteristics through action, rather than shopping list descriptions.
There's a bit of a drought of commas, here, but nowhere near the level of a lot of other writers -- in my experience, a lot of writers struggle with punctuation, even the good ones. An example of a possible change:
Most Homo Nocturnusor vampires were infected early in their lives. And the virus itself had certain regenerative qualities that were believed to make the host physically younger, to make it a better host and carrier.
Consider revising this into something akin to,
Most Homo Nocturnus, or vampires, were infected early in their lives, and the virus itself had certain regenerative qualities that were believed to make the host physically younger, to make it a better host and carrier.
A bit of a longer sentence, yes, but with a more natural reading flow that shows more voice and tempo to the reader. See the difference?
Regarding the narrative itself, there are a couple tiny problems that I see, though they all seem to stem from the chapter being entirely too short. Punky's backstory kinda comes out of nowhere, rather than having a meaningful event, substantial flashback, or internal narrative that exposes these aspects of her personality. Show us a little more about who she is, before telling us what she is. Sow seeds of interest by describing unusual characteristics and distinguishing traits, let us know she's homo nocturnus (loved that bit by the way), and then give us a backstory once we've whetted our appetites for her. Sowing the seeds of Dexter Campbell could also well be left until later, with vague mentions or a circumstance that brings him into the mind of one of the characters.
June is a lot more grounded in this way. I already know quite a lot about her -- her general attitude, her profession, etc. -- without having any of it actually told to me, but instead presented with the tools of dialogue and action. Show us who these characters are and I absolutely, honestly believe that they have the potential to be lovable and deep.
Great job overall -- as always, your growth as a writer fills me with admiration and more than a little bit of pride. You improve, constantly, where others struggle to not remain stagnant. You've got this, you just need to take the time and focus to craft this into a fleshed-out story that's willing to take its time.
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