Bruce Lee and Super Mario's intervention had successfully stopped Shrek's violation of Superman. This had caused the ogre to fly into a rage, during which he unleashed a feral roar and charged at his assailants, who stood battle-ready before him.
In response to Shrek's assault, Bruce Lee initiated a planned maneuver with Super Mario. "Be water, my friend." He said as he struck a martial arts pose, his fists and feet lighting on fire as he did. Shrek's advance was quickly stopped by a swift kick upward from Lee. This, however, was little more than a distraction, as Mario leaped into the air, performing a variety of acrobatic moves before slamming headfirst into the ground. Mario's skull being one of the most durable objects in the universe, few headbutts to the Earth were required before Mario penetrated the ground into the water main below. Water shot forth from the newly-formed hole in the ground, filling the crater left from Shrek's collision with Superman. Inexplicable able to breath underwater, Mario removed an orange flower from his pocket, stared it in the eyes, and promptly ate it. Using his newfound powers of pyrokinesis, Mario formed a fireball in his hand, preparing to launch it forth at Shrek. However, as he did so, a starfish in floral-print shorts emerged from the hole.
"If we're underwater, how can there be-" The starfish was cut short as Shrek stomped on him, being too dense to float. He walked along the bottom of the crater as Bruce Lee flew downwards toward him, a flaming kick bouncing off the ogre's face. However, Super Mario's fireball proved to be more effective, engulfing Shrek as it traveled through the submerged crater. The heat of the massive fireball caused Shrek's gut to rumble and he wore a sinister grin as it did.
"Better out than in, I always say!"
With that, Shrek unleashed a massive fart within the fireball, the copious amounts of methane igniting around him and causing the fireball to grow exponentially in size and heat, threatening to consume the entire crater as the heat evaporated the water within faster than the hole could refill it. Panicking, Mario swam down to the bottom of the crater, to the starfish the ogre had stomped on. Rolling it over onto it's back, Mario discovered that it was indeed still alive. It spoke only of it's anger towards an inability to see its own forehead before Mario picked it up and ate it as well. Having devoured the star, Mario's body began to glow and flash in all colors of the rainbow. With this, David Bowie descended from the stars and began to sing to him as he leaped through the water and into the fireball surrounding Shrek, impervious to the flames. As he did, he yelled to the ogre. "Yahoo, you sonofabitch!" Mario led by transferring all of his momentum into Shrek's gut, colliding with the ogre's midsection with his arms stretched infront of him. This blow effectively brought Shrek's fart to an end by pushing out any gas that may have been left in him all at once, transforming the slow-burning, steadily-growing fireball into a blast of nuclear proportions. This only served to deepen the crater, removing any water from the area as well, sending Shrek reeling into the wall of the crater.
"Get out of my swamp!"
Super Mario's invincibility soon wore out, rendering him vulnerable to Shrek's charge. Unable to react in time, Mario fell as the ogre trampled over him, rendering him to half his former size. Being little threat in his current state, Shrek simply punted the plumber and shifted his focus to Bruce Lee, who had recently transformed into a metal dragon. "I've had some experience with dragons, you know." Shrek taunted his opponent, who chose to respond with actions rather than words. The dragon Bruce Lee breathed fire on Shrek, who resisted the flames, flying upward into his opponent's throat. Lee attempted to resist Shrek's advances, but failed, as Shrek reached his vital organs.
"What are you doing in there?!" Lee cried as Shrek dug through his innards.
"This is my swamp!" Shrek replied, calling through the dragon's iron carapace as he shredded Bruce Lee's guts, eventually reaching the other end. "Better out than in." The ogre remarked as he pulled himself from Bruce Lee's backside, covered from head to toe in blood and feces, before standing back to watch the dragon fall. This, however, distracted Shrek from the danger that was to come. Super Mario, now super-sized, stomped on the ogre, who struggled to hold Mario off of him as he was pressed into the ground.
"Have you forgotten what grows in the swamp, Shrek?" Mario asked, taunting his opponent as he pressed harder into the ground, attempting to grind Shrek under his boot. "Mushrooms!" Super Mario again lifted his foot in an attempt to deal another hard blow to the ogre, only for Shrek to roll away from the attack. The ogre's evasion made Mario furious, prompting him to turn and chase the ogre, screaming mindless ramblings about Bowser as he did. However, his rampage was cut short as he stopped, choked, and spat blood. Shortly after, his gut split open, spilling his innards across the floor of the crater, and Kratos, the God of War, emerged from the bowels of Mario's literal Bowels. Mario roared in rage as Kratos climbed his body, using his blades as picks to stab into Mario's flesh. The plumber fell to his knees in pain as Kratos reached his face and promply gouged out his left eye, causing him to fall the rest of the way to the ground, dead.
"Where... Where am I?" Kratos asked the Ogre, confused but still very much on guard. Shrek laughed.
By the time Chuck Norris reached the area, all that was left of Kratos was his severed head, which appeared to have been bitten off. Super Mario and Dragon Bruce Lee's super-sized corpses lay in the crater created by the collision of Shrek and Superman, who was the only survivor of the encounter, naked and violated among the corpses of his comrades. Stepping over the mutilated corpse of David Bowie, who’s vocal cords had been ripped out and replaced with an MP3 player playing muffled, gargled Smashmouth, Chuck Norris approached the man of steel, who, sans clothes, was curled into the fetal position, quivering on the ground. "The ogre. He did this. But how?" Norris asked.
Superman hesitated before answering. "Please, just go. He'll kill you like the rest, you can't underestimate him! You sent your best and we failed. There's no hope for us. Just please, save yourself, and turn back now." Superman laid his head down in defeat.
"You're missing your suit. He didn't...?" Superman kept his eyes shut tight and gave a silent nod, which Chuck Norris responded to with a heavy sigh that steadily escalated into a gag. "God damnit! This sick piece of shit needs to die. I... I'm sorry. For sending you out here. Damnit!" In a fit of rage, Norris tossed the severed head of Kratos in the air, and roundhouse kicked it through the fourth wall and into your lap. "I'm sorry for this too." Superman looked up at his leader only to see a boot as Chuck Norris put Superman out of his misery, crushing his Kryptonian skull. Taking out his phone, he dialed two numbers for a conference call.
"Batman, Luigi, there's something I have to tell you."
Log in to comment