My Captain America transformation scene! Please comment & review!

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Mr.Hulk_Smashin'!

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#1  Edited By Mr.Hulk_Smashin'!

 I just wrote this, and this is what I'd like to see in the new movie. Well, here goes:

Two metal doors open wide and Dr. Erskine enters withSteve.
Dr. Erskine: This process might be extremely painful, so we'll give you a sedative.
Motions towards a needle sitting on a counter.
Nurse: Here you go, Dr. Erskine.
Erskine: Thank you.
Sticks needle into Steve's arm.
Steve: So, how long will this put me out?
Erskine: It should keep you unconscious for a few hours.
Steve winces in pain.

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An attendant and two military officers are in an observation room.

Frederick Clemson: I honestly hope that this isn't the transformation process.

Lab Assistant: No, they're only prepping him for it. Right now he's receiving a sedative

Frederick Clemson: How much sedative are they giving him?

Lab Assistant: They're giving him enough to put him under for 3 days.

Frederick Clemson: 3 Days?!

Colonel Phillips enters.

Colonel Phillips: Relax. It's nothing to worry about.

Frederick Clemson: What do you mean? That much will kill him within 2 hours!

Colonel Phillips: With the amount of pain he'll be experiencing, and the transformation process, he'll burn straight through it.

Frederick Clemson: How does this Serum work again?

Lab Assistant: Basically, we've created a super-protein, which is self-regenerating, and once it enters his system it'll remain dormant – that is, until we activate it. Quite truthfully, he should gain about 130 lbs of weight, in not only muscle mass – but bone as well.

Frederick Clemson : How does it “self-regenerate”?

Lab Assistant: By making part of the serum with organic chemicals – instead of artificial – his body will be able to absorb and reproduce the serum, basically, until he dies.

Frederick Clemson: Interesting.

Lab Assistant: Yes, actually. Because of the organic properties, this Serum might actually increase his intelligence, and all of his physical capabilities. I mean everything. He'll be able to see faster than the average human.

Frederick Clemson: Incredible! How do you plan on activating this serum?

Lab Assistant: Quite truthfully, I'm not sure. All I know is that it's some form of radiation that acts as a catalyst.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back into the lab, two guards lay Steve across a stretcher.

Steve: Everything's... Everythi... Ev-

Dr. Erskinesnaps his fingers in front of Steve .

Dr. Erskine: It knocked him out sooner than I thought. We should begin the process now.

The two guards flip overSteve, as Dr. Erskine takes a large syringe and sticks it into Steve's spine.

Dr. Erskine: Well, that was a loud pop. Okay, we need to move him over quickly, the sooner we get it done, the better it'll work!

Guard flips Steveonto his his back.

Dr. Erskine: Hand me that syringe. I need someone to hold him down, in case he convulses.

Nurse hands yet another large syringe over. Dr. Erskinesticks the syringe into both of Steve's arms, then into his chest.

Dr. Erskine: Quickly! We need to get this done, quickly! If we waste even a few minutes, we waste everything!

Steveis injected in the legs, and then carried off the stretcher, into the Vita-Ray treatment machine.

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Frederick Clemson: What are they doing now?

Col. Phillips: They're putting him into the treatment-machine-thing.

Lab Assistant: We like to call it the “Vita-Ray Emitter”.

Frederick Clemson: “Vita-Ray Emitter”? How does it work?

Lab Assistant: Quite frankly, I'm not allowed to reveal that, as not even I know. It's of Dr. Erksine 's devising. He won't reveal it to anyone, except the president.

Frederick Clemson: Only the president? He isn't even here to examine the process!

Col. Phillips: I'm having it taped by a camera crew, so that he can watch the footage.

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Dr. Erskine: (to guards ) Get him into the Emitter, I will prepare it.

Guards take Steveinto the Emitter, as Dr. Erskine runs off to prepare the machinery.

Guard: The door won't open!

Dr. Erskine: Hold on, one second. I'm activating the opening sequence. (mutters to self ) Did they not teach you that patience is a virtue?

The doors open, revealing a beige leather and plastic bed inside.

Frederick Clemson: So now, we'll see what happens?

Lab Assistant: Yes.

Col. Phillips: I forgot to ask, are there cameras inside, so the president can examine the transformation process?

Lab Assistant: Yes, this way, he'll be able to have someone examine it to notice if there are any health risks or deformities. Not only that, but if this experiment fails, we'll have a visual record.

Col. Phillips: Interesting.

Frederick Clemson: How will you know how much weight he's gained? Did you weigh him before?

Lab Assistant: Wel -

Col. Phillips: Sorry for the interruption. Yes, we weigh him and measure him at nearly every point, his chest, his biceps, everything. When we weighed him, he was 112lbs., he's expected to gain about 90 lbs.

Lab Assistant: Thank you, Col. Phillips.

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The guard is strapping Steve into the leather bed and steps back.

Guard: Mr. Erskine, I'm done strapping him in.

Dr. Erskine: Yes, yes, I see that. Step back a few feet, I'm going to begin the process.

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Col. Phillips: Yes, I thi –

Lab Assistant: They're starting the experiment!

Dr. Erskine: 3...

Machinery begins whirring.

2...

The doors close.

1...

The doors seal.

NOW!

Camera zooms up, into the viewing window of the Vita-Ray Emitter.

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Electricity begins to arc inside the emitter.

Steve semi-consciously: Argh...

The electricity begins to hit Steve.

Steve's legs begin growing in length a few inches, and his calves bust through the legs of his pants, while his thighs tighten in his pants.

Steve: AAGH! Oh my g-

His chest and shoulders begin to thicken and widen, while his arms grow in length. All of a sudden, a loud POP!as his pants split up the side.

Steve: AaARGH! MY ARMS!!

Dr. Erskine: Oh my lord. (stares in awe)

Col. Phillips: It's amazing.

Steve's biceps begin to ripple and grow in size, his back expands to accommodate his chest, his triceps split his shirt.

Steve: HOLY SH-

Steve's hands begin to ripple and thicken, his stomach begins to tighten.

Guard: Umm, Dr., shouldn't you turn it off now?

Dr. Erskine: I-- Oh crap, you're right!

Dr. Erskine runs to the machinery.

Dr. Erskine: If I leave it on too long, he might become disfigured!

Machine's whirring slows down, then stops.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frederick Clemson: Astounding! I can't believe this, I honestly doubted that this was even possible.

The doors open, Steveappears to be unconscious.

Dr. Erskine (while walking over): Incredible, I knew that it was possible, but I never knew it would be so successful.

Dr. Erskine puts his head to Steve's chest

Dr. Erskine: His heart... it isn't beating.

Erskine begins CPR.

Dr. Erskine: Breathe! BREATHE! COME ON!

Nurse: Doctor, you've been giving him CPR for the past minute and a half, he isn't coming back.

Dr. Erskine: Alright,(looks at cl ock) pronounced dead at 1:46 P.M.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Col. Phillips: It sure is a shame...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stevebegins coughing, as if having been rescued from drowning.

Dr. Erskine: Oh my- is it- are you ok?!

Steve: Yes. Why?

Dr. Erskine noticing a slight deepening in Steve's voice asks:

How do you feel?

Steve: Like I'm reborn. Maybe a little taller, too.

Dr. Erskine: You don't know the half of it. Let's go weigh you.

Nurse weighing Steve: Wow! You're 240lbs.! That's a 128lbs. Increase!

Dr. Erskine: Amazing! You've the body of a god, and I think you may've grown a bit as well.

Nurse: Yes, in fact, before he was about 5'11'' and now he's 6'3''.
 
I know some of the dialogue is tacky, but this is my first try for writing something of this caliber. :)
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Mr.Hulk_Smashin'!

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#2  Edited By Mr.Hulk_Smashin'!

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!! Third bump, please chek it out!

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InnerVenom123

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#3  Edited By InnerVenom123

It's cool, I like it. Nice work. :)

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Mr.Hulk_Smashin'!

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#4  Edited By Mr.Hulk_Smashin'!
@InnerVenom123: Thank you! Any tweaking required?
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venomoushatred1001

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Meh.
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Mr.Hulk_Smashin'!

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#6  Edited By Mr.Hulk_Smashin'!
@venomoushatred1001 said:
" Meh. "
What makes it "Meh"?
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venomoushatred1001

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A few spelling errors otherwise it was alright :)

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Mr.Hulk_Smashin'!

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#8  Edited By Mr.Hulk_Smashin'!
@venomoushatred1001: Yeah, I did it quickly, and half of the stuff didn't show up when I copied and pasted the file from my comp.
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Mr.Hulk_Smashin'!

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#9  Edited By Mr.Hulk_Smashin'!

BUMP