DC Mayhem: Secret Origins# 1

9:15 PM

Jump City, California

On this starry night, a jet black limousine cruises it way down the brightly lit streets of Jump City's marina

Within the limo however is one not so ordinary passenger, fine clothing hiding the many scars the decorate his lean yet muscular body, with smooth, long jet black hair that tapers in front of his deep soulful blue eyes. His name is Timothy Jackson Drake: Inheritor of the Drake family fortune, young scientific prodigy and formerly the masked superhero known as Robin.

In his lap rest the head of Ace, his pet Great Dane, whom snoozed peace fully as his master chats on his cellphone with a very important person

"and you're sure everything is alright? they're treating you well?"

"Tim darling, for the final time yes!!!!" The slightly exasperated yet amused voice of Dana Drake, Tim's loving stepmother replied

I’m sorry for being this worrying so much, I just want everything to go right." Tim replies sheepishly while scratching behind Ace's ear absent mindedly, causing the canine to let out a low contented growl.

I know sweetheart and i adore you for it. But it’s really not necessary, i feel spoiled.

It’s perfectly necessary, milady. and you'd best get used to it because it’s only going to get better once you get here and out that horrible place."

Several months earlier, Tim had been targeted by a mysterious crime fighting figure answering to the name Sin Tzu. Possessing incredible fighting and strategic prowess, Sin claimed to want to change the world for the better offered Robin an apprenticeship on the condition that Tim undergo a series of ritual tests. After completing the tests however, Tim had slowly began to change; He became sullen, distant ,and reclusive before vanishing completely.

Around this same time, a brutal vigilante known as the Shadowdragon had begun targeting those close to Tim including the Teen Titans, a team of young heroes of which Tim had led/founded. After weeks of unsuccessfully pursuing the criminal, the Titans were horrified to discover that the villain was none other then a mind controlled Tim Drake. They managed to free him from the control of Sin Tzu (in truth a megalomaniac with dreams of conquest) but not without loss. Tim's father was murdered by a close friend/ally of the Titans who had been under Sin Tzu's employ the entire time.

This event had caused poor Dana to go nearly mad, forcing Tim to leave her in a mental health clinic.

It's the very least i can do, seeing as how this is all my fault anyway.

"Tim....stop....don’t do this to yourself, sweetheart"

I cant help it Dana, none if this would ever have happened if i hadn't become Robin, lied to you and trusted that psychoti---." Tim began to say before being quickly interrupted

"Yes, it would have.....Owen was a sick man. if he didn't hurt us than he just would have hurt someone else. Its not your fault and don’t ever tell yourself otherwise." Dana's voice shook a little as she said it. Not wanting to upset her any further, Tim changed the subject.

The two conversed for a short while longer before Dana ushered to bed by her nurse and Tim hung up, pocketed his phone and wondered and sighed. It had been a long and tiring day and no sooner had the closed his eyes to catch a quick nap, had the limo come to a a complete stop.

"We're here sir" came the voice of Marv, the limo driver from the front seat."

Tim groaned, gently shook Ace wake and proceeded to exit the vehicle. the cool salty ocean air greeted him as he stepped out onto the marina and gazed at the top of the line vessel that now served as his home but would soon be something more.

Marv wished Tim a good night but before entering the car to leave, he took one look at the ship and whistled before simply stating "man, oh man, what a beauty."

"Yes.....Yes she is .Take it easy Marv." Tim replied as he made his way towards the boat with Ace right by his side. Tim thought about Dana, now nestled safely in her bed and smiled. Her day maybe over but his was just beginning, for he had a plan.

@avenging_x_bolt: A good read over all although there were a few capitalisation errors. Still not enough to put me off reading part 2 when it comes out.

@impurestcheese: thanks. That actually does make me feel less crappy about it. I'll fix the capitalization errors.

@avenging_x_bolt: I'll try to read this tomorrow.

@avenging_x_bolt: No piece of writing is perfect. As long as you try your best it's worth reading

@avenging_x_bolt: So I got around to reading it. The dialogue was fairly decent, but this chapter felt pretty light. I get that this was an opener but barely anything significant had happened. My main problem is the middle of the story. The problem is that the most interesting parts of this chapter (the Sin Tzu and Shadowdragon paragraphs) were casually skimmed over in a very short reference, when they could have worked even better as a small arc. Also, those two paragraphs sounded more like a rough pitch for an arc than an actual narration. From that point on the rest of the chapter seemed dull because I kept thinking in my head "that's pretty cool, wait--why are we wasting time on the stepmom if Tim could be avenging his father?" Regardless of my criticisms, it was nice issue, I just like to nitpick anything that stands out to me.

@joygirl@delphic Could you read this when you have the time? Your input could help @avenging_x_bolt out.

@avenging_x_bolt: @dngn4774: thank you both for the kind words and honest criticism. I plan to give more insight into the Shadowdragon and Sin Tzu situations during the next chapter as well as exploring the history of the Teen Titans.

@avenging_x_bolt: See, you can do it! This was a pretty good read over all, but it could have done with a little proofreading. You have a few errors with typos and some misplaced wording, so I would advise looking over your work before posting it, and correcting mistakes that you see right off. Stuff like correcting comma splices, and sentence structure will come as you gain more experience.

Now the one thing I felt was a bit "wonky" was your dialogue. Now I understand that when it comes to step-parents, some kids don't call them "mom" or "dad", but they don't talk to them the way that Tim was talking to Dana. It read to me like Tim was talking to a girlfriend, so it felt a little strange while reading that. Also in the actual text the way the internal monologue that Tim had going felt like Tim had feelings for Dana, so unless that was your intention then I suggest re-thinking the approach to their relationship.

Other than that, great job, I'm very impressed with your effort. Keep writing, because practice makes perfect. I'm looking forward to more.

@delphic: thanks for the feedback and encouragement!!!! On the Tim & Dana front, I wasn't really going for anything romantic but I can see how it came off that way. Dana is essentially the only family Tim has left right now and he's feels responsible for the horrible events that have befallen those close to him. I'll just have to rethink the way I present that. Once again, thank you guys for the support

@avenging_x_bolt: Basically gonna go over what was already said. There are small errors here and there, the one I noticed the most was that your quotation marks are all over the place, missing where they're needed and present where they aren't. So yes, it did need a little bit of proofreading.

Another note is that you seem to share a problem that a lot (pretty much all) new writers experience -- what I call "adjectivitus." A writer is not measured by the amount of adjectives they use, and in fact it tends to be quite the opposite. Instead of "deep soulful blue eyes," use an action or circumstance to reflect or expose their depth and, uh, soulfulness.

It was a great foot forward though, and I think with some practice you could come far.

@avenging_x_bolt: well i'm late to the party. Yeah there are some typos and the way he talked to his step mom is odd but it has a good start.

I would do some flashback scenes with Sin Tzu because it seems like that could be a really cool story on itself