Can I get constructive criticism for this 4thchapter of my story?

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batmanbeyond234

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#1  Edited By batmanbeyond234

I have been writing stories about how certain chars would work in the DCAU. Adam Strange is the first one. This is the 4th chapter. Keep in mind Im only 11 so please be nice.

Dragon on Ranagar


Adam walked over to Mr. Terrific to check out of the Watchtower.


“Hello,Adam. Might I ask,where are you headed?”Mr. Terrific asked.


“Oh, I am going to Rann to do a little patrol,”Adam shrugged nonchalantly.


“You know League rules,you have to be accompanied by another Leaguer,”Mr. Terrific reprimanded,wagging his finger like he was scolding a young child.


“All right, who are you sending with me?”Adam sighed. With his luck he'd get Booster Gold and Elongated Man again.


“Static Shock and Ray,”Terrific replied, continuing his rapid typing on the computer screen.


Adam mused. He had worked with Static, respectful kid. Ray was a serious hero and nineteen with a little family troubles, so they shouldn't be too bad, right?


“What the heck,”Adam reluctantly agreed.


Mr. Terrific grinned and reached for the intercom. “Static Shock and Ray,please report to the teleporter pad,”


Adam glared at the epitome of Fair Play and turned his jet pack on, flying to the teleporter pad.


“Man I can't believe we're going to another planet!”gaped Static.


“Yeah,me neither. I barely know what space looks like 'cause of my stupid family,”grumbled Ray.


“The real world isn't so good either,light beam man,”teased Static as the two arrived at the teleporter pad.


“I suppose,”Ray smirked.


“Hey,Mr. Strange. Good to see you again. So what's the mission?”Static asked.


“We're going to Rann to do a little patrol,”smiled Adam. “Hope it's good enough for you kids,”he added.


“It's awesome,sir! Going to another planet, wicked!”said Static,eager and enthusiastic.


Adam chuckled and had Hodgins activate the teleporter.


“Hey,guys,can you bring me a souvenir from Rann?”Hodgins asked,like a child asking for candy.


“Sure thing,”Adam chortled as the 3 were teleported to Rann.


They arrived on Rann in a flash of blue light. Adam looked around and commented “Hmm,looks like a calm day,”


“Famous last words,space man,”Static joked, reaching air with his electricity powered hover board.


“I'm with Sparkie. It's like a cool breeze before a hurricane,”Ray said worriedly.


“You kids have been around Batman too often,”sighed Adam in exasperation.


But the kids were right as an explosion rattled their eardrums.


“Over there!”yelled Ray,pointing towards the south west.


“I suppose it is the right time to say I told you so?”Static drawled.


“Be quiet,please,”groaned Adam.


The purple dragon Malchior was rampaging through Ranagar.


“Open fire!”yelled Commander Vath Sarn,who was the Green Lantern of the Rann's sector as well. He was completely open to the ideals of lethal force which was currently allowed for the rings.


His army open fire with a barrage of energy pulses and blasts but they only succeeded in angering Malchior.


“Foolish mortals!”boomed Malchior as he incinerated weapons and soldiers,showing little regard toward their life.


The three Leaguers were horrified but still launched attacks. Static lifted a tank with electromagnetic energy and hurled it at Malchior, stunning the Teen Titans foe briefly. Ray landed a barrage of hard light energy at Malchior, draining his darkness slowly.


“You worthless piece of light,”snarled Malchior as he knocked Ray down by spreading his wings causing an air current to slam into Ray.


“Ray!”Static yelled,grabbing his friend and dropping him off at what he hoped was an ambulance.


“I'm all right,Sparkie. Kick Malchior's hide for me, will ya?”Ray smiled weakly.


“Don't worry,buddy, I will,”Static promised solemnly. Flying as fast as his board would take him, he bellowed “All right you stupid Barney reject, when I'm done with you,their won't be enough of you to make a purse!”


Static unleashed his full power on the dragon,slowly starting to kill him agonizingly and painfully.


“Static! Stop!”Adam yelled at the adolescent electrokinetic.


“I'm sorry,sir, he nearly killed Ray, I couldn't control it, my full power was going all out on the guy!”Static admitted, horrified at nearly killing someone.


“It's no problem. Let's get him to a nice cozy Rannian prison for him to recover in,”smiled Adam.


“Thanks for forgiving me,sir,”Static smiled.


“No problem,kiddo,”Adam smiled back.


Watchtower


“Static, come to the board room immediately!”yelled Mr. Terrific urgently. Static got their fast as he could.


“What's wrong,Fair Play guy?”asked Static.


“Every single one of your enemies is back and led by a new Bang Baby named Holocaust,”admitted Mr. Terrific.


“But weren't they all depowered except me,Gear,Icon,Rubberband Man,and Hardware?”asked Static.


“No, it was only temporary. New and old foes have powers. We will be sending you down with every available Leaguer,”Terrific said.


Static was horrified. This was his biggest fight Ebon and Hotstreak merged and died soon after.


Teleporter Pad

Hodgins was working on some last minute teleporter details when Adam walked up to him.


“Hey,Hodgins, got you a dragon tooth and toenail,”Adam smirked.


“Seriously! I knew you guys met weird people but man!”Hodgins said,eagerly taking it to study.


“You're welcome,Hodgins,”Adam smiled. But his communicator rang and he rushed to the board room to be briefed on his mission.    

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#2  Edited By Decoy Elite

Okay, the set up makes this look much longer than it really is and is annoying to read. It's not very descriptive either...

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batmanbeyond234

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#3  Edited By batmanbeyond234
@Decoy Elite:
Thanks.