Blade-The Early Days.............

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jasraj

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#1  Edited By jasraj

This is a Blade story i set in 1941, as you know blade was born in the 1800's, so i decided to write a story about Blade in the 40's, lets go, btw i AM NOT TRYING ON THE GRAMMAR, ITS THE STORY!
 

December 14 
11:00pm 
1941 
   

(The day is dark and misty, and the moon is shining, in a dark alley way), there is a tall man walking down it, and then another small man approaches him), "are you brick?" asks the small man , "yes" replies the tall man, "tell me what you know about this "Blade" character?" asks the small man, "i know he kills people like us" replies the tall man, in a rather scared voice, "we need to---, the tall man then runs away, "hey! where you going brick?!" shouts the small man, "why did he go?", "becuase of me!", the small man then turns around and sees a tall, armoured man, "who the---, Blade then gets his sword and stabs the small man through the heart, *chuckle*, "stupid vampires" says Blade, "now that other guy" 
 
tell me what do you think
 
  

 
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SteveRodgers

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#2  Edited By SteveRodgers

this is very interesting,btw my picture of The Night is up on heroes 1

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puiwaihin

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#3  Edited By puiwaihin

You can't "not try on the grammar" and expect people to really enjoy the story.  You tell the story through language, and part of storytelling is using the grammar in ways it is intended and bending it to make innovative uses of it.
Instead of ignoring it you should acknowledge its importance and focus on it.   Then your story will be much better received.
 
Your story idea seems like an imitation.  To make it good you need to tell it well, and that means making use of good structure and style.