One of the benefits of working at SuperHeroStuff.com is that we get to b!tch and moan about what all the movie directors are doing wrong…and get paid for it. See, the deal is, that when movie (and TV) directors go on the hunt for the next Wonder Woman, you just know they’re going to FRAK it up. We’re here to set them straight. They should simply ignore their desire piss all over comic canon under the guise of “artistic license” or that they are “thinking for themselves,” “trying something fresh,” or “getting away from that old stale look.” Idiots! This path is inevitably one of many stupid decisions they will make in a long list of many stupid decisions, and Heath Ledger won’t be there to save them.
This Week's Discount Code: 12MOVING
Since we have to wait forever for the next Wonder Woman movie, you can still load up your girlfriend or wife with plenty of our Wonder Woman gear at SuperHeroStuff.com. Be sure to check out our Wonder Woman T-Shirts, Wonder Woman Buttons, Wonder Woman Mugs & Pints and even Wonder Woman Jewelry. Hey, we’re also having a 12%-Off Sale on our site till August 3. Use coupon code 12MOVING to save 12% on any order.
Picking Wonder Woman involves nothing more than a seven point list of very simple concepts along with the ability to read a handful of comics. The 7 traits needed in our next Wonder Woman:
1. Tall. She needs to be tall! Wonder Woman (in the real life comics) is 5'11”. At that height there aren’t that many applicants, but at least the casting director will know to focus on the taller babes. If the girls need a little help, our Wonder Woman Go-Go Boots should do the trick.
2. Beautiful. Not just beautiful, but drop dead, traffic stopping, jaw dropping beautiful. The “Oh-no!-my-wife-just-caught-me-staring-at-that-woman-for-30-seconds-straight” beautiful. The kind that would make most guys run away screaming, “I’m not worthy!!”
3. Exotic. The next Wonder Woman can’t be your average bombshell from California or Texas. She has to have more of a Mediterranean look, slightly ethnic with olive skin.
4. Perfectly Proportioned. Yeah, sure guys go nuts over the Pamela Anderson Thunder Boobs look, but Wonder Woman is more than just a set of cannons. Much more! She’s statuesque, yet has curves without being ridiculously over-endowed. When one looks at Wonder Woman, it’s different than looking at any other super heroine. With Power Girl, your eyes are compelled (as if against your will) to gravitate to her bosom. No force on Earth can stop you from doing it.
It’s the same with all the super heroines, and villains. With Catwoman, she reeks of sexual appeal. Black Canary and Zatanna? You’re eyes are drawn to the fish nets. Supergirl? The skirt. Hawkgirl? Her flat tummy and then the mask…gotta love the mask. Huntress? Her butt. But Wonder Woman is different. She’s perfectly shaped and a reader doesn’t jump to viewing her as a sex object (as quickly) as they do the other girls. However, I have noticed those shorts of hers are hiking up higher and higher every year. I hear a thong is her new costume in 2013. Or maybe a Wonder Woman Camisole Set?
5. Has Muscles! Sure guys like girls on the more slender side, but Wonder Woman is an Amazon, which means she has muscles, strength, POWER! Any comic worthy geek can tell you, that Wonder Woman’s strength is arguably just shy of Superman’s. If push came to shove, she can hold her own against the Hulk. … well for a while. But she’d most likely have to pull an Ultimates Wasp move on him if she wanted to stop him in his tracks. The deal is that, we need to see her strength on screen, and that means when she “lifts” that Blackhawk helicopter in the air, we better damn sure see some muscles in her back flexing and some bicep action going.
6. Can Fight. You know the director’s going to forget Wonder Woman is an Amazon, a warrior woman of Greek mythology. The movie makers never seem to understand that the audience can tell when the editor and special effects guys are making up for the fact that the heroine can’t fight. The angle of the camera will hide her awkward right punch, the editing will take care of her failed attempts at pathetic kicking and close-ups will obfuscate that punch while the bad guy compensates with a spectacular kidney punch inspired dive. It’s like watching a very non-athletic girl throw a baseball. No, what is needed is Wonder Woman who is as convincing and natural with a sword as Michelle Yeoh, as fluid with the spear as Jet Li, can punch like Muhammad Ali and kick like Chuck Norris. We want... no, we NEED a badass. Uma Thurman from Kill Bill comes to mind.
7. She Can Act! Last, but definitely not least, Wonder Woman needs to be able to act on screen. A perfectly BAD example of acting was Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, the girl from Transformers: Dark Of The Moon. God she was pathetic. And no amount of boobage or pouting lips can save Megan Fox from the criticizing public (note: I happen to love Megan Fox since she’s going to be my 2 wife, so I have nothing bad to say about her). We won’t be fooled by big boobs and skimpy panties…ok, so we can be fooled (e.g. Megan Fox) but we’re going to b!tch and moan, b!tch and moan about it after the movie is done playing. In the end, Wonder Woman has to be a convincing actress. We won’t let the movie people get away with just showing us cheese cake! Well, a little cheese cake is ok, but she absolutely has to be able to act.
Want to know what other Wonder Woman stuff you can get at SuperHeroStuff.com? Here are some other hot items. And remember, the discount code this week is 12MOVING.