A really long review of The Rise and Fall of the Shi'ar Empire
I've never been a huge fan of comics set in space, making the sci-fi genre a bit hard to swallow. Well, only in comic format, and that's by no means a set-in stone rule; I'm a big fan of Orson Scott Card's Ender series (and the Shadow series, too), and what I've read of the comics is fantastic. Either way, I was...less than delighted to find that this whole 'x-men in space' nonsense continued past Morrison's godawful take on the series. Not to mention that Lilandra has, from the very first moment I laid eyes on her, reminded me of Alice from Dilbert (it's the hair). Also, I bear a long-standing resentment towards Rachel Grey, who happens to be a large part of this story arc. The girl has issues. Adding to all that is the fact that this comic came out in 2006, when I was 16. I hadn't so much as touched an issue of the X-men, let alone any other comic, by that point. Nope, back then I was all about anime. Ahh, high school...
Anyways, down to business. I'd like to note that the makers of this story arc seem to hate telling us when there's a time difference between frames, like 'three days earlier', 'later that day', etc. It's a pain.
Out of nowhere, we're told the mission that has been mentioned over and over for like twenty pages is going into space. Yeah. You'd think they'd give us more notice, it kinda feels like they just throw it out there suddenly. They're all like 'Oh yeah, Vulcan, we gotta stop him, guys' and it's so unconvincing I wanted to pound my head on the table and scream.
We enter the second issue of this lovely little adventure with a look at Lorna's new outfit. I hate Lorna's new outfit. It's just too plain. Not to mention the whole 'shiny bathing suit look' was never really big with me. And suddenly, about a third of the way in, we find out that they brought Darwin along! Yay! By the end of the issue, our team of adventurers now seems to be stranded.
In issue two of the arc, Vulcan shows off his ability to fly through the vacuum of space without needing a space suit, proving he doesn't need to breathe and requires no external source of heat. GOD DAMN YOU, MARVEL, THIS DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER! For once I wish we could write this off as an alien technology thing. Enter the triangle-heads, and we're told he's lost track of time while flying through space. That is a HORRIBLE IDEA! Does he not need to eat? My head hurts. He mentions his hero is Julius Caesar, and inadvertently reveals that he has no shred of originality or knowledge of history whatsoever. For god's sake, it'd make more sense for him to say his hero is Alexander the Great. Dude was unstoppable...and then he got bird flu. Julius Caesar, while a gifted general, was principled, disciplined, and (unless I'm mistaken) more into tactics and planning than 'let's just run in there and kill the hell out of them'. Either way, I can't really relate; my hero is Jimmy Hendrix.
Issue 478 now, reminding us that the Shi'ar seem to have a thing for skin-tight clothing and the colour purple. No, not the book. We get a lovely bit of dialogue between Alex and Lorna about how the Professor is suddenly really pushy...well, for like five seconds, until they get distracted and start talking about Scott. Maybe I don't understand this whole socializing thing as much as I think I do, but dear god, do real people talk like that?
Moving on, we get some face time with Darwin, who complains that he's getting creeped out by how Professor X is watching him a lot. Wonder if that's how Jean used to feel when she first got to the school? Heh. Lorna and Alex reach what appears to be...a communist conference room?! Seriously, there's a sickle and I think a sword carved on the door in red. No way in HELL was that unintentional. It's not like we've been told sickles bear some special import for the Shi'ar.
Bad communist jokes aside, we finally get to see some basic physics in action when Darwin gets sucked into space after some dude blasts a hole in the ship's side, showing us that only Vulcan gets to break the rules. At least in regard to space. However, it's Darwin, who suddenly develops the ability to breathe in space and resist getting frozen, etc. Why do I feel cheated?
Rachel gets a headache and whines about it, while Warpath pretends to be interested. There's a somewhat adorable drawing of Darwin clinging to the space ship, looking somewhat like a tree frog, and then out of nowhere A SKRULL. Who, we learn, can also survive in the void of space. At least he needed a helmet. Rachel proves herself useless without her powers, there's a fight, Rachel gets her powers back and blasts some guy with Phoenix fire. Yay.
A little while later we're treated to what looked like a very intense bondage session. Of course, the dialogue reveals it to be nothing like that; instead it's Korvus, who's being taunted by some random Shi'ar guy in a pink and yellow collar. Gross combination. There's some foreshadowing, the Phoenix Blade is mentioned, and then the issue ends. That felt like forever...
On to 479, and we're almost half way done! I'd like to take this opportunity to mention that Korvus looks like an idiot. It's mostly his hair. True, he doesn't hold a candle to the sheer ridiculousness that is the head of the imperial guard, but he still looks silly. For that matter, the whole concept of the Rook'shir is weird. It's like the writers suddenly decided to put the Phoenix force into an impractically large sword, and didn't care how they had to write it in.
Warpath, who I have suddenly taken a liking to, has decided he's not having fun.
Nightcrawler makes a valid point when he says space is amazing, and that's pretty much the end of it. Rachel starts whining about the Professor paying so much attention to her, and then starts complaining about the brand on her back, and only now reveals that they're tracking her through it. How did that NOT come up eariler?
Korvus arrives, there's a rather mediocre fight scene, and all in all I'm unimpressed. Even the dialogue is boring. Another stupid element of the scene is that Korvus knows Rachel's name and knows what she looks like, but has no knowledge of her telepathic or telekinetic powers. That's one of the BASICS. The two of them 'touch minds', she saves him, heartwarming moment, etc. All very unconvincing.
Time for issue 480! Six more to go! Things get a bit more action-packed from now on. They switched artists again, but I believe only for this issue...again. Vulcan fights the Imperial Guard and almost defeats them. It is soon revealed that this entire issue was pretty much about how Vulcan and Deathbird meet. Didn't she and Bishop have a thing at one point? I only got my hands on one of the comics with the two of them.
481, now. Five more to go. This one has a rather unsettling cover, with Xavier screaming...naked. At the mercy of a whole bunch of machinery. This is dragging on quite a bit, so I'll try to be quick. Chancellor Araki proves himself to be a total jerk and pistol whips the empress, which I must admit is very awesome. Back to the X-men, where Warpath insists that it's a stupid idea to just blindly
trust Korvus. Nobody else agrees with him. Stuff happens, the Starjammers are mentioned, end of the issue.
Issue 482, and we're really starting to see one of the biggest elements of poorly-made sci-fi; saying 'screw you' to physics and making up your own laws of space and time. Our group of wayfaring adventurers manage to force their warp drive thing to teleport them to where the Starjammers' ship is, and Corsair greets them warmly. Or, you know, not. There's a meeting where they discuss strategy, we learn that Lilandra was overthrown by Araki (as we saw last issue). Meanwhile, the professor is dragged around by some freakishly burly Shi'ar, and Darwin saves him. They sneak around for a while. I find the action scenes to be tedious and poorly planned. Rachel turns out to be very...generous with her favours, as she reveals to Lorna her and Korvus have, at least, kissed, to which Lorna mentions that they only met two days ago. Cue the typical 'we touched minds' excuse. Telepaths must be like a godsend for lazy writers; imagine being able to cut out all that time they would take getting to know and trust one another.
Onto Uncanny X-men 483, which is, itself, a sort of summary issue. It piles together all the time between Deathbird and Vulcan meeting and the present in a neat little sequence, and all in all fails to persuade me that most of the characters therein would really act the way they do. Deathbird also happens to have an inflated sense of self-worth, which I found incredibly irritating. And apparently the Shi'ar treat the mentally ill by putting them upright in large glass cylinders and attaching little electric diodes to their heads. Might be just me, but I fail to understand exactly how that would be a good way to treat...well, anyone, really. Unless it has to do with ECT, but I'd like to think of that as barbaric, at best. D'ken apparently can't be awakened from his coma...but what's this? Vulcan cures him effortlessly! It makes total sense. I'm too annoyed with this series to question the fact that nobody had the same idea as he did. We're treated to some lovely depictions of Deathbird's tongue, which is just one of the articles on the list of things I never really wanted to see. People die, and the issue ends.
Issue 484, only two left. We now get to see, yet again, what Rachel mentioned like two issues ago- by that I mean we're treated to a scene of her and Korvus making out. I'll be honest with you, I skipped over it. There are some things I refuse to read, and anything involving Rachel's love life is one of them. Lorna and Alex start up their romance, despite the whole 'we almost got married, I left you at the altar and then you went insane and tried to kill everyone' thing. Onto the next one!
Number 485, and this is where I really lose interest. There's some plotting, a lot of mediocre art, and a wedding. Yeah, sure, I'll buy that. Thank god this issue is really short. Xavier jumps into the M'krann crystal, darwin follows, and Vulcan crowns himself emperor.
The last one! Issue 486, and the cover art stinks. Lilandra has always been a poorly-defined character, but it's here she really shows her lack of a proper personality: 'No, you can't, you're mad!'. Please. And in a 'surprising' act of violence, Vulcan denies (and kills) Corsair, to which only Hepzibah reacts realistically. I'd like to point out the irony of Havok yelling 'You bastard!' at Vulcan- they share the same parents, therefore if Vulcan is a 'bastard' (a child of unmarried parents) then so is Havok. Hepzibah flies into the rage we knew was coming and provides a distraction...that is, until Warpath tackles her and tries to make her think about what she's trying to do (kill Vulcan). Darwin pulls Xavier out of the M'krann crystal, scaring the crap out of Lilandra. They somehow end up on the ship, there's an entertaining scene with Hepzibah absolutely bristling with a variety of weapons, and they end up...on earth. Yeah. In an even more ridiculous plot twist, the crystal also, apparently, gave the professor his powers back, and by this point I am, yet again, in awe of the writers' lack of creativity. It feels like this whole story arc was just a pretext to restore Xavier's powers, get Corsair out of the way and tie up the loose end that was Vulcan. Great, I feel let down.
So, in summary, I'd give Rise and Fall of the Shi'ar Empire 2 stars. And that's being generous.
