Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

If you haven't seen Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen beware this review has loads of spoilers, basically the entire plot.

Greetings movie and Transformers fans alike, today I will be reviewing the cocking new movie Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen the sequel to the cocking live action Transformers movie in 2007 (even though I didn’t see Rodimus Prime or Galvatron in it).

The movie is set in 2009, but there is not rift in time and space, so this must be another alternate reality. I narrate the start of the movie, it is very important that you listen to it because it is a cocking speech. We start the action in a country where everyone is hunting down ‘cons a constructicon and Sideways.  Anyway Arcee and her fembots hump the air while us men to really job. I even get to jump out of a plane and have a cocking time killing ‘cons.

Then we have to skip to the humans (boo hiss, get back to me). Basically Mutt Williams is leaving the factory where he was born to go to a bigger factory where humans sit around and write stuff. He decides to continue to hold Bumblebee against his will. He then finds an Allspark fragment and uses it to create an army of Kitchencons which rebel and try to kill him. Luckily Bumblebee destroys the factory and the Kitchencons before they combine to form Appliancetron or something. Then Megan Fox turns up to continue their relationship where they left off following doing it on top of Bumblebee (that was great except for when Mutt took off his clothes, be thankful you were spared that).

Meanwhile Soundwave voiced by Dr. Claw decides to get a cock enlargement by fornicating with a military satellite or something. He then sends G1 reference Ravange to steal yet another Allspark fragment from the military, which is a lot smaller than the piece Mutt gave me at the end of the first movie, so much for continuity. The ‘cons revive Meggie to he goes to Mars where Starscream is allowed to talk more and also meet his boss The Fallen (how come he wasn’t mentioned in the first movie) who is too busy playing with his vibrator to be a creditable villain.

Mutt arrives in college to meet Leo his roommate. Leo is a bad cross between Carlos from Armada and Energon , Mutt himself and Agent Simmons, Holy Conspiracies indeed! He also has two other losers but they die or something as they don’t turn up again. Mutt and Leo go to a frat party where Mutt meets Alice a woman who thinks Mutt is sexy (so you know there is something wrong with her). Meanwhile Megan Fox encounters Wheelie or to call him is real name Pervie.
I finally return to the movie (about time) to tell Mutt some stuff that is important to the plot, but Mutt being stupid doesn’t listen. Mutt goes back to college to meet Alice; she has a tail which is cocking good at showing the viewers her panties. Megan Fox is shocked to see another woman liking Mutt and attacks her, but before a cool catfight can break out Alice reveals to be Finback. Mutt, Megan and Alice run around for a bit before running Finback over.

They then get captured but I save them. Then we have a cocking fight in a wood where I fight Meggie, Starscream and Blackout, but they claim that he is called Grindor because he is a repaint. Meggie somehow kills me with his cock. Mutt, Megan and Leo go to hide somewhere with Bumblebee and the Twins your new favourite Transformers. While Mutt tries to act emo,  Leo hangs out with Skids and Mudflap, two gangsta robots who people will find either as funny or as offensive as Leo and Jar Jar Binks.

The humans then go to meet Agent Simmons (look ladies it’s John Turturro, he reason you went to see the movie), who tells them that the ‘cons have been on Earth before (nothing like Stargate) and thanks to Pervie they learn that they need to find a seeker. They find a seeker who is Jetfire (he isn’t a seeker, another cock up by the movie). He then opens a space-bridge to Egypt (not like Stargate) and tells them to find the Matrix of Leadership (I thought I had that) but not before Pervie shows that he has reformed by humping Megan’s leg.

Mutt believes that the Matrix will revive me and after 75 hours the find it, however Mutt didn’t learn enough about handling artefacts from his dad Indy and he destroys the Matrix.  However he decides to put the dust in his sock, so the Matrix is now the Power Condom (because it looks like a stuffed condom).  They run to resurrect me, while Meggie and Starscream decide to activate the Fallen’s Solar Harvester which looks like a cock. The Constructicons decide to combine to form Devestator, (wait didn’t I kill the crane one in the opening sequence). Devestator decides to smash the Great Pyramid to anger the Egyptian authorities as the movie as already angered the Chinese and the whole Black community.  Luckily Agent Simmons (look ladies John Turturro is all sweaty) tells the army to shoot Dev’s balls which are shown in great detail. (We wanted Devestator and all we get is a close up of his balls, thanks Bay). After another 75 hours I am revived and I harvest Jetfire for parts to beat the Fallen. Meggie retreats and we win. THE END

Overall it is a cocking good movie. The pacing is all wrong but that helps increase the movie running time. There are tons of cocking good jokes about boobs and balls. Also very few Transformers get any development which is cocking because only I should have development. The Fallen is a great bad guy who is an accurate adaptation of his Dreamwave counterpart. Also I loved the twins; they are my new favourite Transformers. Also Megan Fox is hot.
I give it 5 out of 5.