Transformers: Dark of the Moon Review by Movie Optimus Prime
Transformers: Dark of the Moon Review by Movie Optimus Prime
IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON, BEWARE THIS REVIEW HAS LOADS OF SPOILERS, BASICALLY THE ENTIRE PLOT.
Greetings movie and Transformers fans alike, I have returned to give my cocking review of the cocking new movie, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, the sequel to the cocking Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, which was the sequel to the cocking live action Transformers movie in 2007
The movie starts with a trailer for that cocking good game Transformers: War of Cybertron, where I give another cocking speech to set up the story. It involves the Ark and it crashes, just like in that cocking G1 cartoon episode. Anyway the scene shifts to the Humans, hang on I thought this move was called "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" not "Humans: Dark of the Moon ". This is all about the space race and is not important since I am not in it.
Now we get to me and the others, I fight Cockwave, a Decepticon who has a giant cock for an arm and controls an even bigger cock which enlarges when it penetrates stuff. We then discover that humans have lied to us and we get Spockimus Prime from the moon and stuff about a space bridge.
Next we cut to Mutt Williams (hello he isn't a transformer, Mr Bay, get your eyes checked!) who is now is with new girlfriend Carey who I can't say anything about otherwise her boyfriend Jason Statham will break my cock. Mutt now needs a job to support Carey along with Pervie aka Wheelie and Buttheadbot aka Brains. Interestingly Mutt has the power to attend multiple job interrogations at the same time. Oh his parents turn up and stuff happens but I don't care because it doesn't involve me.
Mutt eventually gets a job and also meets Carey's boss Dylan, played by Dr Dreamy, Mutt hates Dr Dreamy like all men do. Mutt returns to his job and has a gay relationship with someone called Wang (no, really, that is his name). Wang tells Mutt some stuff which requires Agent Simmons (yes ladies it's John Turturro, he is way sexier than Dr Dreamy). Agent Simmons (Yes ladies, John Turturro is important and sexy) discovers that the 'cons have some tricked us and Spockimus Prime is a traitor, and he forces Ironhide to die of old age.
I am not having a cocking time, when I run away like a baby when Spockimus Prime beats me and then plans to use the Space Bridge to bring Cybertron to Earth, just like in that cocking G1 cartoon episode. Also Mutt learns that Dr Dreamy is evil and Carey's car is actually Soundwave aka Dr Claw, who has got bored of humping military satellite and now likes when Carey rides him. Mutt is forced to spy on us and the humans have the great idea to stop the Decepticons by exiling us, just like in that cocking G1 cartoon episode. We then die but we survive due the Wreckers (who never go Wreck 'N Rule, at all).
Meggie (yeah, he is in the movie, but you wouldn't really notice him) is shocked to learn that Spockimus Prime doesn't like him and we only be a lackey to Spockimus when Cybertron appears. A cocking battle sequence happens where a lot of 'con get killed. Mutt follows his hero's (me) example and kills Starscream and Dr Dreamy (men everywhere rejoice)and I prove to be a noble and heroic figure by butchering Cockwave, Meggie and Spockimus Prime in the space of 5 minutes. Roll Credits. (No really the ending is that abrupt).
Overall despite this movie focusing mostly on the humans, lacklustre development on the TFs except for me, because I am the only one that matters and maybe Spockimus Prime and having an overlong battle with an abrupt ending, this movie is worth the hype and if you don't think this is the best thing to happen to Transformers since I was created, then you obviously hate Transformers and are an ignorant fool.
Again another cocking movie which gets 5 million cocks out of 5
