Move Over, Mekano
Arnold Drake had done the impossible: created a worse X-Men issue than either Mekano or Spidey. Apparently, when Fred Duncan "split up" the X-Men, he meant sending Hank and Bobby to California (sometime soon, perhaps), leaving Scott and Jean in New York, and letting Warren cover the rest of the country - I'd like to play a wargame against that strategist. Let's spend a moment reflecting on the comment made about Jean in this issue while she is working at her "undercover" job as a model: "That's the tastiest package of goodies we've opened around here in months!" Yes, that was somehow printed in Arnold Drake's premier X-Men issue. Moving on, Scott enters the photoshoot and tries to deck the guy that said this comment, but for some reason the other bikinied models stop him and find him instantly attractive. Scott acts like he only has eyes (eye) for Jean, but when girls want him, it's okay. A few panels later they imply it is all part of an act, but it's still bizarre double-standardizing for Scott Summers. Somehow after that, Drake breaks out his fourth-grade creative writing assignments and slides them into an issue of X-Men. The villains are rubber aliens from Marx, but we're supposed to believe they are machines. It's painfully juvenile - most juveniles would not read this. For some reason, Scott is all jazzed up about being a radio reporter. It's nice that he's not moping like Hank and Bobby, but still, this is just weird. When Scott sees these robots trying to steal his speakers, he's not bothered by the fact alien-looking robot monsters have suddenly appeared, he's only upset they are stealing his speakers. Sheesh. The artwork likewise is a failure: far too many closeups for nothing, giving us no perspective on where things are happening or if there is real space being occupied. I don't know if Don Heck is trying to break out his inner Medievalist painter, or if it's just an overall horrible, horrible issue. Somehow Jean is able to trace the metal brain of one of the robots (it's hard to care at this point), and the pair end up at a gravel pit. Scott blasts sand and discovers hidden tunnels leading to the secret cave of robots run by ... Computo. "Hey, let's not even try!" was apparently the rallying cry for this issue. Perhaps the gang was too excited about all their new series. Jean and Scott start blasting robots like nobody's business. Jean actually does some impressive telekinetic work (finally!) , and Scott figures out he should attack Computo instead of the robots. It's a pretty easy battle. When Cyke blasts Computo, some guy named Quasimodo jumps out - apparently he was a Fantastic Four villain, but since I'm focusing on X-Men, I don't recognize him. Ah, well. As someone points out in the letters pages, the fact they've turned the issues into 15-page yarns instead of 20 to fit in the meaningless "origins" series does not allow for any development or resolution. Quasimodo pulls the "just in case" self-destruct thing and runs away, leaving Jean to save Scott's bacon (finally showing off her ability to lift more than a book or sewing needle). This was pointless. But then again, so is the 5-page "tribute to Beast's mouth," as he does nothing but tell us his abilities again and again (I have strong toes and fingers). There is a nice moment about his own inability to decide what he wants to do with his life, since he loves so many different humanities and social sciences related areas, but nothing is done about it. Ah, well. Who knew 2/3 into the original run of the X-Men we'd be wondering how could it last another 20 issues?