The Greatest Story Ever Told Ever in History
Songs about children named after this singular spectacular literary masterful specimen win musically inclined geniuses Grammy award nominations, and are as equally revered and incited about as aggressively and lovingly as in heaven as they are in hell, and now that you know the scope of the epic weaving tale that looks set to steal your heart from your previous eternal soulmate dear friend, you should sit down, for although I am humble, tis fair warning for anyone, who might look into the eyes of greatness itself and dare themselves to read any review, about the single greatest comic book, nay fictional story, nay story that has ever made itself available to mortal and immortal eyes and ears alike. *deep breath* Yes ears, as even though this is a visual medium, one can't deny the sweet beats and harmonious melodies that emanate from the soft heavenly pages themselves, whisper and caressing your musical eyes, the soothing vibrations massaging your aural organs, this seemingly inconceivable contradiction, a graphic novel that sings to your soul and overwhelms your heart? Why yes, but hence the warning you must understand gentlemen and gentlewomen alike, for you see, this is not a mere tale of Uncanny Greatness, this is, the greatest Uncanny tale of all time and space and reality and any other place one might dare to dream.
This is not a graphic novel to be read casually or lightly and pregnant women, those with weak hearts and weak minds, humans over 60, and children under 18 as well as those with PSAS may wish to steer clear for a variety of reasons. This is more of an experience that will emotionally reconfigure you to your core and leave you satisfied more than ones wildest dreams succeeding could ever hope to endeavor.
The writer of this magnifique tour de force of a visual novel eloquently and studiously enlightens us from the beginning by indulging us in a concisely succinct meta tale which is layered with visual metaphor upon visual metaphor as if the writer himself were on his deathbed and using the words intended for his loved ones, to emblazon upon to the first page. An otherwise, immature and distasteful caricature stain the Blob, is cleverly and refreshingly inserted into the story, the writers genius using the character to draw clever and subtle parallels to the pretentious and bitter Hollywood analogue and his deconstruction is brutal and precise and further demonstrates his stunning ability to both appeal to the comic aficionado as well as bright intellectual. The mark of a great human being let alone writer is to take a poorly thought of one dimensional character and turn them into a character that defines a generation and thats what the god who penned this tale stamps here unequivocal authority.
The following lead up to the main meal of a story is smooth and creamy, as we are offered several visually dramatic entrées that are divinely delectable, and do more than whet our creative appetites, they whet out physical being. We encounter more clever deconstructions and social commentary designed to delight and provoke and invite clever ethical and moral discussion. Its a clever tease, but eventually the starlet peels back her out clothing and we are introduced almost it feels for the first time, to our brilliant protagonists the X-Men. A lesser writer may not have realized the best time to introduce our heroes, but the timing here could not have been more apt appropriate. With a single utterance "Emma", Fraction is able to perfectly characterize the character of Cyclops in ways previous writers have spent their entire careers trying to attempt. Emma Frost is a vivacious delight in her first appearance of what will become the benchmark in fictional writing, and to have neglected mentioning the art for so long I am eternally ashamed because if there is one thing this book does more than read well, its hammer a sense of intense visual pleasure directly into our souls window, like a wave of visual erotica crashing directly into your eyes, over and over again, relentlessly until you can only utter and stammer that this is the greatest visual experience your cornea have ever had the delight of witnessing. If scientists were intelligent and brave enough to travel backwards into time, to view the creation of the Universe they would see a hand less skilled or artistically composed than Greg Land's swirling around creating everything. The Big Bang itself would pale in comparison to the multiple artistic Big Bangs that ravish the pages you struggle to hold in your sweaty tired hands.
Its as if someone had created a frankenstein monster out of the intense creative genius of Andy Warhol, the cultured eye of Paris Hilton and the staggering skill of Rembrandt, and this portmanteau shall be known as Land.
Lets return to our feast of an investigation of X-men characterizations, an area both artist and writer excel with here, more so than ever. Not even Grant Morrison piggy back riding Chris Claremont could give some definitive, character defining performances as witnessed within the hollowed pages of this art bible. Wolverine sounds cool, Beast sounds smart, Angel sounds rich, Emma sounds blond. I pinch myself... for a moment there I thought, I actually envisioned I was reading a live action performance theatre play, with miniature static actors, but then I realize, I reason, I logically conclude such a thing can't be possible, but that is the magic of this work that it can fool your senses.
In what will forever be known as the most intelligent twist of metaphorically cogitating plot play yet seen by the hands of a mortal, we see the main plot delves into a smörgåsbord of ironic and erotic reference making and character to character juxtaposing as ordinary civilians dress up in fancy dress, of which the theme is, yes you guessed it, because a genius led you to the lake of foresight, that the theme is centered on the X-Men themselves. Bravo, and all hands in unison clap. A writer of Fractions finesse flexes his ability to consider the cohesion needed between a writer and his artist and he fertilizes the artistic egg, of Greg Land's ironic penchant for characters that look the same, and yet look wildly different with his own plot instigator. They give birth to what must be one of the most creative and intriguing page sequences that I doubt could even be repeated, even if it was traced line for line, word for word. I think the characters, mutant and human alike, themselves, are aware in some fourth wall breaking capacity that they are a part of this greatness. A hundred organic smiles, they border on being lewd, pout and contort with wild passion as a thousand bright white teeth stun my own sense into primal submission. A observational joke about paraplegia and an unrelated joke about telepathic induced urination come clever and fast undoubtedly securing the writers wit as peerless, and demonstrating that his funny bone is as large as technical muscles and Emma' Frosts to quote the great musical philosophers Black Eyed Peas, Emma Frosts lady lumps. In fact I would say the writers flair for humor and drama even eclipse those assets, and speaking of assets, there is more than one artistic asset here, the masters of the puffy face themselves the Dodson entity is present. If you have ever wondered what Emma Frost would look like as marsh mellow then look no further than here. Then serve me up some hot cocoa because I'd want a dip.
If it sounds like I have the extolled the most significant merits of this Opus Dei already then you would be stunned to discovered that the parts I have neglected to mention so far, would tie and laser decapitate the praise I have already give, to death, such is the masterful crafting and chiseling experienced past the books halfway mark. We have perennial and classic foes the Sentinels back in full force evoking the deeply significant analogy that has persisted though out core X-Men titles that advancement of ideas and technology is inherently nihilistic and that mutual hatred of ones inner self loathing is a beast that can not be denied or tamed my socialist liberties and twisted outdated understandings. Its roar a snuff movie in which your understanding is a mere secondary concern in the eyes of art and visual story telling. Its as if Fraction takes a lamp and smashes it against your face unleashing a beautiful deadly djinn that only speaks one language and that language is revolution and excellence.
Before you faint in the afterglow of glory that is Uncanny X-Men #500, let take the time to mention, that I have not even mentioned the three pinnacles of the issues, which for one, I have not mentioned, because if I had, it would melt your face of by the degree of how awesomely mind blowingly good it is, I heard that Charlie Sheen read this issue two years ago and as recent interviews have demonstrated. Two? You won't find a better written Magneto interpretation anywhere else ever. This is sad, Magneto fans? Be said that you will get paper cuts from reading this issue so many repeated times. 3. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, no one singular individual reviewer is able to review this book in its entirety. I am an ant and it is the face of god. I am unworthy. You will be swallowed whole and spat out as a baby llama without fur. You may not have the strength to ever read anything ever after you read this issue. I lack the ability to even read my own review to spell check it and my computer lacks the raw memory to attempt to either. Even my scanner cried tears of awe when I attempted to scan in but one page of its excellence. Digital comics beware not all stories are written equally and not all can be contained by your walls.
In closing I can't really find the words to tell you how much you need this reading experience. This collection of pure methodical story telling at its greatest, it looks so humble from the outside but contains the Universe within. This issue with wine and dine you, ravish and ride you and send you out into the sunset with a smile on your face. If this masterpiece doesn't leave in a pool of your own blood and tears, you are not human.
*NOTE OF EXTREME IMPORTANCE* - In my rush to score this perfect issue, this landmark medium defining issue, the justice it deserves by scoring it 7 stars out of 5, I made a error in haste, my hand slipped and well, I accidentally gave it a half star, but I mean, obviously you just need to read my review to see how much I actually thought of this issue right? Thank you for walking in heaven with me.
