They Butchered It
PLEASE NOTE: This will contain spoilers for Superman III. I would say not to read this review if you don't want the film spoiled, but if you want to see this film, you're an idiot. Not trying to offend anyone, but you're as much of an idiot as me if you want to see this thing.
Okay, continuing my Superman week is Superman III. After one pretty good film and one great film, both of which were successful, they obviously had to make a third film. In fact the first thing seen in the credits of Superman II as "Coming Soon: Superman III." So, that clearly shows it was rushed out the door to get it out quickly. And that always kills films. I honestly don't remember much about this movie other than it being really bad. So, let's just hop right in and see what happened.
The Opening Scene
Technically, the opening scene is some guy arguing with a woman at the unemployment office (or someplace like that). I didn't see the point to it at the time, but since the guy is on the film's poster, I assumed it was a major part of the plot and let it go. Afterwards though, as the opening credits role, we see a bunch of random stuff happening that I think was suppose to be funny (yellow paint falling on a guy who ends up tripping into a Mine, a blind guy's dog running away and the blind guy finding some street painter thinking it's his dog, etc.) and the entire time you're thinking "What the Hell does this have to do with Superman?" He does end up saving a guy who ran into a fire hidrent and the car started filling with water (yeah, cause that's what always happens), but that's it. It was just pointless, dumb, and gave us a taste of what the rest of the film has in store.
The only real person in the returning cast is Christopher Reeves as Superman/Clark Kent. Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen, & Perry White are cameos (I'm not joking. Lois appears for a whole minute twice in the film). Lex Luthor, General Zod, Non, & Ursa (and I can't do a review for a Superman movie without mention how hot she is) don't appear, which is something I do praise this movie for: Not using Lex Luthor. But we'll get more into that later. Reeves was still good in the role, and that's really all there is to say. I found out that the reason Lex wasn't here was due to a change in director which he criticized, which is also why Lois was reduced to a cameo.
New Cast Members
New Cast members include Richard Pryor as Gus Gorman, Annette O' Toole as Lana Lang (who no longer has that weird looking face like her high school years in Superman), Annie Ross as Vera Webster, Pamela Stephenson as Lorelei Ambrosia (who has taken the role of hot female villain, though Ursa is still hotter), Robert Vaughn as Ross Webster, and Gavan O'Herlihu as Brad Wilson. The cast was overall pretty good despite the problems the film has. Not much to say, especially since I'm trying to save my rant.
To sum it up the best I can, here's the main plot to the movie:
Gus Gorman is unemployed, and after being denied more unemployment checks, he takes up computer programming. He ends up using his computer skills to steal over $85,000 (or $85,000,000. I forget) from the company. The CEO, Ross Webster (God, they couldn't have picked a name that doesn't make me think of the dictionary?) blackmails Gorman into using his computer skills to help Webster.
Meanwhile, Clark is going on a trip back to Smallville for a high school reunion (which he somehow convinced Perry to let him write a story on it). There, he meets Lana again and his son Ricky (and pretty much cheats on Lois. There's no sex, but they do pretty much everything else).
Back at Websters (not the dictionary. That's so much more interesting), Ross is mad at Colombia since they won't do business with him. He has Gorman take control of a weather satellite to create a tornado and destroy their coffee supply. However, Superman saves the day. So they decide they need to stop Superman. After discovering the material that goes into kryptonite, he plans to have the lab make some. However, he replaced the .57% unknown material with tar. In Smallville, Superman is appearing at Ricky's birthday party (yeah, no need to save the world. Let's just entertain kids at f*cking birthday parties. What, this woman is too cheap to hire a f*cking clown!?!) and Gus shows up disguised as a solider from the US Army. He gives a pointless speech that never f*cking ends and eventually gives him the kryptonite as a gift and is upset when it doesn't hurt him (maybe you shouldn't have used f*cking tar!).The "kryponite" (you know, it's called that because it's made up of Krypton. Not f*cking tar!) still effects Superman, turning him into a more "darker" version of himself and he attempts to get in Lana's pants (the way I put it). Yeah, no need to worry about f*cking killing her! Luckily, this isn't a porno and there's no sex between the two. He later blows out the Olympic torch and straightening the Leaning Tower of Pisa (because that's SO f*cking evil!).
Webster then continues Gorman's computer skills by wanting to control the world's oil supply. And he somehow thinks he can do this by sending all ships to the middle of the f*cking Atlantic! One boat doesn't listen to these orders and continues on it's normal route. Lorelei is able to convince Superman to stop the ship, so Superman just goes there and puts a giant hole in it which causes the oil to fall out of the ship. He then goes back to her and they have sex. During this, I was thinking "please tell me I didn't get some Superman porn by accident." They never come out and say they had sex, it's just implied. But how the f*ck is she still alive!?! You know, I'm honestly getting uncomfortable talking about sex (Especially involving Superman), so I'm just going to move on.
Superman then starts drinking all the time, and after Ricky never shuts the f*ck up, he ends up going to a junkyard and yells for no reason. Then the film's under-explained plot is really shown here. Clark Kent comes out of Superman, and they fight which mostly involves Clark getting his @$$ kicked. Eventually, they merge back into one and Superman is suddenly good again and has a clean costume (the dark Superman had a darker blue costume, I assume because he didn't wash it, but that's never explained). I honestly have no clue what the f*ck was going on here. My best guess is that Superman was fighting Clark in his mind, that Clark was suppose to represent the good Superman who does the right thing, but I have no f*cking clue. And I really tried to pay attention, but I still have no clue.Superman then goes off to the Grand Canyon to face Ross, Vera, Lorelei, Gorman, and their new "Super Computer." The computer is able to create Kryptonite, and takes f*cking forever to kill Supes. He just kind of crouches down like a scared animal. Gorman takes an axe and starts destroying the computer, saving Superman in the process (why the f*ck did he agree to this in the first f*cking place if he didn't want to f*cking hurt Superman!?!). Superman then flees like a f*cking coward! The computer then starts fighting everyone and starts draining power from electrical towers. Vera is pulled into it and turned into a f*cking cyborg, who then attackins everyone.Superman returns with a bottle of acid from a chemical plant he saved earlier (some nice foreshadowing, that I give them credit for). A scientist told him that if it reached 180 degrees, it would turn to smoke and melt through anything. Superman is able to do this, and it turns into some gooey red liquid which melts stuff. I know that f*cking scientist said SMOKE! Why the f*ck is some red liquid!?! It destroys the computer, and Supes leaves everyone but Gorman (who designed this f*cking computer) to deal with the authorities. He drops Gorman off at a coal mine and recommends they hire Gorman. Supes then goes back to Metropolis and gives Lana a diamond ring. Yeah, she's now in Metropolis. Before this scene, we see a while 50 seconds of build up for her moving there. He gets her a job at the Planet as a new secretary. Lois then returns, and Clark basically says "Yeah, you suck. I'm going with Lana." Then, like every other f*cking Superman movie, he flies off above the atmosphere while looking at the camera with a creepy f*cking smile.
My Thoughts on the Plot
Where the f*ck do I even start!?!?!! You have Brainiac, Bizarro, Metallo, Mongul, Mr. Myxpltz (or however the f*ck you spell his messed up name) in the comics, and you have that as the big f*cking bad guy!?! What the f*ck were they thinking!?! God, films I've previously reviewed like The Amazing Spider-Man might have had bad plots, but at least they made sense. You know why they sucked.
I would go on and on about how much this plot f*cking sucks, but I'm just too tired. I can barely go on. I just want to finish this review so I can do something to forget this movie! You know, I'm not even gonna call it a movie. I'm gonna call it a messed up piece of sh*t!
- Music - I couldn't even enjoy the music in this movie. All it did was give me the worst f*cking migraine in history!!!
- Special Effects - They just f*cking suck and aren't anywhere on par with Superman or Superman II.
- Action - What action? We had a dumb-@$$ fight between Superman and Clark Kent, but that's it. A computer was destroyed, but that's it. There was barely any f*cking fighting in this film!
- The Comedy - There wasn't one f*cking moment I laughed in this film. I died a little inside and I went a little closer to insanity, but I never laughed.
Finally, it's over! Now, get this DVD the f*ck out of my laptop! Seriously, I wanted this f*cking thing to explode while this was playing. I didn't f*cking care about loosing it, I just wanted a way out of watching this piece of sh*t. I'm worried this thing gave my laptop a virus. They took what should have been a third and epic finale to the Superman film series using Brainiac as the villain, and they turn it into this piece of sh*t. This movie is just f*cking horrible! The only thing that stopped me from taking a hammer, breaking this piece of sh*t into a million pieces and flushing it down the toilet was the fact that I didn't want to have to replace the library's copy. Just, what the f*ck happened with this film? Unless you're thinking about blowing your brains out and need something to convince you to do it, DO NOT watch this f*cking movie. It just f*cking sucks!
I was originally planning on ending this with a line like "I don't think there can be a worse Superman movie," then show a trailer for Superman IV: The Quest for Peace and talk about how I was wrong and how much of a blessing Superman III is compared to it. But there is no f*cking way The Quest for Peace can by worse than this. It sucks, but you understand why.
My Final Verdict: 1/5 Stars (and that's me being generous).
Also, I apologize to anyone who was offended/got annoyed by the cursing. I try not to curse in my reviews, but this p*ssed me off so much I couldn't help myself. I will try not to in my reviews from now on, but I can't guarantee anything (my next review is Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. Oh God). I apologize if anyone had a major problem with it, but I just felt like I had to.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch something good otherwise I'm going to kill myself.