Club Arkham

All characters are property of DC except Juggernaut who is owned by Marvel. Rated "E"

Authors note, been away sowing my wild oats in the RPG section. But I'm back fickers.

Continued from Happy hour at the Pool-o-Vision bar

Part one of two.

Its not a regular night at Club Arkham. The place is more popular then ever, and thus way more people then usual are getting turned away. Gotta keep standards up.

"Whoa whoa whoa Buddy." Juggernaut held up one large hand. "What's your name again?" He asked the green cloaked figure as he consulted a clipboard.

"I am the Wrath of God. Judgement personified. I. Am--"

"Going to the back of the line." Juggernaut finished for him, pointing to the sign on the wall.

Absolutely No Monologuing.

"Drinks are over priced here anyway." Spectre grumbled as he went all the way to the back of the line.

"Next in line. Respect the line people!"

* * *

"So then this Hell hound--"

"Hey, uh sorry to interrupt Wonder Woman, but your drink is looking down my shirt." Powergirl said.

Diane lifted the glass to her eye and it looked back at her. "Metamorpho? Excuse me a moment." She said to Powergirl, disappeared into the ladies room. She returned a moment later with an empty glass. "That should teach him."

* * *

"Check this out, saw this in a movie once." Harley tossed three bottles of liquor into the air, but only caught two. The third smashed on the bar top, sending broken glass and liquid flying everywhere. "Oopsie. Looked real easy in the movie." She shrugged to herself. "Oh well."

"Harley...This isn't coyote ugly." Selina sighed at Harley.

"Hey! I'm work'n for tips here." Harley pouted.

"No you're not. You're just filling in for Ivy, I never said you had a job. And you're supposed to be on the beer tap." She walked away before the urge to strangle become over whelming.

"Scuse me." She ripped a patch off Ragman's costume and wiped at the bar top. "We're all outta paper towels. Clayface was in the bathroom earlier and got everywhere." She paused a moment "Least I hope it was Clayface."

"Enough of these absurdities." Oswald Cobblepot sputtered angrily. "What's my tab?"

"Thirty seven fifty. Plus a tip for the cutie Bartender." She smiled sweetly.

"Here's a tip, learn some math. I only bought two drinks you imbecile."

Harley reached under and placed a large mallet on the counter. "We gonna have a problem buddy?"

* * *

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, capes and crooks. I'll be your captor, I mean, host for the evening--"

"Good one pudd'in." Harley whistled loudly.

Joker pulled a large pop gun from his jacket and fired in Harley's general direction. "Ow." She squeaked.

"Where was I? Oh yes. Tonight we celebrate the Batman in the traditional Gotham manner. With a roast! But first you have to suffer through some 'entertainment'. So, get out your earplugs and get ready for the comedic style of Bizzaro."

"No thank you Joker. Its horrible to be here tonight. So, a donkey walks into hat store...."

* * *

"I don't think so buddy. We got a dress code here." Juggernaut told the glowing figure.

"But, but, I'm on the list." Captain Atom protested.

"Yeah? Well put some clothes on and come back hippie. Next in line! Name?"

"I am The Spectre."

"The Spectre.....Hm, don't see you on the list. But I cou--"

"Not on the list! I make the lists! Of sins and judgement's and..."

Juggernaut pointed again to the sign. "Back of the line buddy."

"I'm not on the list...He's on the stupid list..." he grumbled as he walked to the back of the line, again.

* * *

"I am a drink that was, and is not, and is. What am I?" Riddler spoke to the air as he played with the empty shot glass.

"You're drunk." Batman replied from a few stools away.

"Well, that was a rather easy riddle." Edward Nigma grinned despite himself.

"What riddle?" Batman asked as he tossed his own shot back.

Unseen by anyone but Batman, Batmite stood on the bar top, hands on hips and cape pooling around his small legs. He had appointed himself as Batman's wingman for the evening.

You know, of all the times I've never wanted to see you" Batman said, "This one takes the prize."

"That's very kind of you Batman, but no prize is needed. Just being around you is payment enough." He replied happily.

* * *

"So Scratch bit him...." Bizarro concluded.

"Hahahaha! Ha! He bit him." The Creeper clapped enthusiastically from his private table. It wasn't really private, just no one wanted to sit next to him. He was also the only one in the club who seemed to get the jokes.

"And that snarl of verbs and tenses was Bizarro. Bizzy, don't quit your day job...if you ever get one that is." Joker loosed the mic and stepped offstage to walk about the club.. "Quite a crowd we have here tonight. I see Killer Croc is alone again. Don't worry Croc, you'll make some lady very happy someday.....as a pair of boots."

Laughter all around. "Speaking of making the ladies happy, we all know what those pills are really for Hourman, and its not an hour." Ba-dun-tish Harley beat out on the drums. "Oh! Chemo! You're looking trim. Did you loose a few liters over the Summer?" Ba-dun-tish! "Okay, put your hands together for the magical Zatanna Zatara. Gee, first Bizarro doing comedy, then Zatanna doing magic. And you thought I was joking when I said you had to suffer through the entertainment. Hahahah!"

To be continued:

__________________________________________________________________________________________

And now, a new segment....Wild letters!

This weeks letter is from Billy_The_Dragon_keerper19. He writes,

Dear Wildvine,

Are you a dude or a girl? And if you are a girl, do you want to go out sometimes?

Dear Billy_etc,

This is really supposed to be for questions about my fic's. But since you ask....

I'm neither. I am a plant person, hence the name Wildvine. And sorry Billy, I don't date dragon keepers. Only dragon slayers.

18 Comments
20 Comments
Posted by Dark_Vengeance_

I adore it.

Posted by TommytheHitman

Damn it this was too funny. While I have no idea why Juggernaut was there it really doesn't matter. This is one of the few comedy fan fics I've read which are intentionally trying to be funny.

Edited by wildvine

Damn it this was too funny. While I have no idea why Juggernaut was there it really doesn't matter. This is one of the few comedy fan fics I've read which are intentionally trying to be funny.

He was a callback joke. Jason Todd made an appearance in the first one. Happy hour at the Pool-o-Vision bar

Online
Edited by BumpyBoo

Another glorious return to Fan Fic! *blows trumpets* Ah, what a good day ^_^

Great to see you back, and totally on form too - wonderfully creative, funny and clever. All things that I have come to expect from your fic dear :)

Edited by Pyrogram

What a "return" to the fics, you have not really been gone, but still - Lovely piece.

Your writing in my opinion, has excelled dramatically recently, This was superb.

I may or may not have nearly died when I read this

Unseen by anyone but Batman, Batmite stood on the bar top, hands on hips and cape pooling around his small legs. He had appointed himself as Batman's wingman for the evening.

-

This sums it up in 3 words

I adore it.

Posted by lykopis

Hilarious --- every bit, lol. I don't know which part was my favourite -- Wonder Woman's stellar revenge is a good one but I think I will go with this one:

"No thank you Joker. Its horrible to be here tonight. So, a donkey walks into hat store...."

(heh heh)

Edited by wildvine

@pyrogram said:

I may or may not have nearly died when I read this

Unseen by anyone but Batman, Batmite stood on the bar top, hands on hips and cape pooling around his small legs. He had appointed himself as Batman's wingman for the evening.

Well? Did you die or not? : P

Online
Posted by Pyrogram
Posted by lorbo
Posted by lorbo

Here is more of how I think the plot would go#8 Posted by ArticulateT (173 posts) - 3 months, 19 days ago - Show Bio

I can see Harley doing the job fairly well, only having trouble with her superiors in regards to 'creative' methods of dealing with shoplifters. That, and she might get a little love crazed over a shoplifter if she tails them long enough.

Darkseid may just have the charisma to pull off his job, but he would probably be fired after the first time a customer says no and his response is a healthy application of Omega Beams.

Magneto, I think, wouldn't so much be fired as he would quit. There's only so much a mutant supremacist can bear while serving fried chicken to the gluttonous normals.

Undoubtedly, at home, Darkseid and Magneto would argue all the time, with Harley's cheerful disposition driving them over the edge. Money-wise, they should be able to just cover the rent, but chances are, they'll either kill each other or move into their own apartments fairly swiftly.

Posted by feebadger

Why isn't this already a series on Adult Swim!? Brilliant.

Posted by batkevin74

@wildvine: Yes, yes you did! :) this is very funny, sorry I missed it earlier, found it in your library

Posted by wildvine

@the_poet Hey! Since you're back, thought you would be interested. I promised I would do a DC version way back when.

Online
Posted by The Poet

@wildvine: oh, thanks for letting me know about this! This is awesome! :D

Moderator
Edited by wildvine

Bumpsz

Online
Edited by King Saturn

and as the King slowly turned and looked at the top of the page on ComicVine he realized that he was in a section called Fan Fic... he then giggled and slowly went out the back door...

Online
Edited by GhostWriter

I really, really enjoyed this! A very fun read.

Posted by wildvine

I really, really enjoyed this! A very fun read.

Thank you very much! : D

Online