By Vrakmul 59 Comments
OOC: To those who do not know what an MST3k is, it's a term derived from "Mystery science theater 3000" a TV show where the cast watched and riffed on B-movies, all in character, which grew so popular it's name came to encompass in character riffings on pretty much anything, though Movies and Literature remain the most popular. As for what is My Immortal? http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6200297/1/My-Immortal That is my immortal. Quite possibly the single *worst* fanfiction of all time and one of the greatest targets for snarking on the internet. Though it claims to be a Harry Potter fanfic, it really has absolutely nothing to do with the series, everyone is painfully out of character, names are changed for no reason, and it's generally so terrible that just associating it with Harry Potter would be insulting. Even as a non-fan of the series, I can tell just how bad the canon defilement is from a cursory glance. For this, I'll be alternating between standard and script format, and the characters will be in a "movie theater" reading of it. Bolded text in the script section will be from the my immortal fanfic, the unbolded text is mine.
IC: John stepped into the theater, straightening his long, blue windsock hood out before Rose put a hand on his shoulder reassuringly. "Relax, everything will be fine, the Timekeeper isn't a malevolent entity. " She assured him as she lead them to their seats. Next to the pair were Jade and Dave, both of them in their unarmoured, hooded outfits. But above them were two colossal figures, the enormous, winding blue lung god known as Ryujin, and his favoured consort, a colossal divine monarch butterfly known as Imasura, who kept her wings nice and folded. Liberty prime sat in another colossal top row seat, while the gelatinous Terramachy was farther to the right.
Down below were all sorts of people. He could see the shark-like mutant O'chunks, the silvery bulk of Dornan, the Reptillian mass that was the Emerald soviet, the bad pun spewing Vhozon known as Phrygus, the stately, serenely glowing Founder, both Viktor and Ormag who sat to the right. A woman in Nazi garb, the ghostly Tombstone, the wisecracking Ant, the cyclopean lone wanderer, the vain Venus, the incredible Hercules, the teutonic Dreadnaught, the ghastly Chaos Lord Xaraghoul, the infamous Dark Triad, the mad Ishmael Caliborn, the sinister Vorzhilok, the spider limbed Count Bleck, the viral Red Menace, the very much armoured Agent California, a large number of Black Hand soldiers, the cowardly Nufai, the bombastic Kamal Re'x, many members of the Ordo Astartes, the rebel Hierarchy General Lork'ri, the Colossal frame of Orlok, and countless others that he couldn't identify.
"This is said to be the worst piece of human literature ever ." Nufai whispered to Kamal in between the munching of popcorn. "The worst?! Bah, given the trash that the hairless monkeys put out this can't possibly be tolerable! " Kamal bombastically declared, rising from his seat before he was urged downwards by an angry glare from Ryujin. "This is going to be good ." Dornan chuckled while Jade whispered something into Dave's ear, prompting him to smirk. Tombstone scratched his chin a bit as he sighed out while Carol just lay down over multiple seats. "Jeez, when is this going to start? " The Ant questioned before the monitor at the front of the theater flickered into life. "Shh guys, it's starting! " John said as the room darkened, ominous music playing throughout the theater, prompting the murmuring of the crowd to quiet down.
John had no idea what to expect, even as he sipped some of his Soda and Rose casually brought a fistful of popcorn to her mouth. He had heard some things about this fanfic, but surely nothing could be that bad? Then a sign above the monitor flared a Neon Red, reading "STORY TIME!" Before the speakers began their narration of the words that began appearing on the screen.
Script format beginAN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)
Kamal Re'x: *Rises from his seat* WHAT MOCKERY OF LANGUAGE IS THIS!?!
Rose: *Double takes*
Dave: *Eyebrow quirk*
John: ...Oh god this is just the start isn't it?
Ryujin: Aw hell.
Jade: Oh noooo!
Carol: We've just started, and I'm already scared.
Nufai: *Manages to coax Kamal back into his seat
2 my gf (ew not in that way)
Carol: Well, now that you've brought it up...
Black Hand Grunt #1: *Wolf whistles*
Black Hand Grunt #2: *Punches #1 in the faceplate*
raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.
Orlok: *Aghast* This is her spelling with help?
Dornan: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph this is gonna suck.
Lork'ri: I must admit, I have yet to see what is so bad about this other than the terrible punnery and lack of command over the English language.
The Ant: Five dollars to who guesses which clique she's part of!
U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2
Kargoth: I know I should find this young love endearing...but right now I'm merely worried.
Imasura: Worried? About what?
Kargoth: The future of the human genepool.
Xaraghoul: Allow me to state that the dark prince of pleasure Slaanesh had nothing to do with this.
Tombstone: Of course not, the most likely culprit is a clear unwillingness to pay a single god damned cent of attention in english class.
! MCR ROX!
Count Bleck: What in the hells is MCR?
Liberty Prime: MY COMMUNIST RHETORIC?
Terramachy: My carnal retribution?
Others: *Stares at Terramachy*
Terrmachy: *Shuts up*
Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way
Dave: *Both eyebrows quirked* What the fuck kind of name is that?
Lone Wanderer: Observation; subject was likely loathed by parents.
Ryujin: *Snorts* Pahahahahah!
John: Why is there an apostrophe!?!
Carol: Honestly, if my parents stuck me with that name, I'd have run the hell away myself.
Dornan: *Facepalming* Urgghhhh....
The Ant: Whoa, watch the name brick!
and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)
Tombstone: Either her parents could tell the future, or she had one of the weirdest damn child births ever.
Phrygus: What the shizz? Last time I checked earth babies were all down with the baldness yo.
Viktor: Actually, they can be born with some hair but n-
Der Kommandant: *Gives Viktor an evil glare*
Viktor: But of course, that's irrelevant.
with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back
Jade: *Exasperated* Are you sure her name isn't Mary Sue?
Rose: Hmm...yes I do believe the litmus test has broken within the first few sentences. Congratulations.
Der Kommandant: Mein Gott, this explains everything, she's a mutant freak!
O'chunks: *Turns to stare at her* Whaddya got 'gainst mutants?
Der Kommandant: *Shuts up*
and icy blue eyes like limpid tears
Hercules: She does realize that tears are colourless, right?
and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).
All: *Stands up to leave, partially in jest before being urged back down by the projector crew*
I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.
The Ant: Because Incest is totally something you want to have!
Dave: Damn straight, 'specially with people twice your age am I right?
I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.
Nufai: According to Nufai's sources...this statement is completely self contradictory.
Emerald Soviet: I have met many vampires, not one had straight teeth! What is this madness!?!
Carol: Check your logic at the door please.
I have pale white skin.
Kamal Re'x: Perhaps there is a hope she will die of melanin deficiency!
John: Oh man, if only.
Black Hand Grunt #3: That sound you're hearing? That's the albinos of the world cringing.
I'm also a witch,
Tombstone: But may we burn her?
Rose: Only if she weighs the same as a duck.
and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).
Venus: No shit sherlock?
The Ant: I'm actually preeeetty sure Hogwarts is in Scotland.
Carol: How dare you bring logic into this?!
John: Shhh, it's going to the next line!
I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)
All: No duh!
and I wear mostly black.
Jade: Oh really? Now you're gonna tell us that you suck blood?
Phrygus: Damn, someone call Captain Obvious, this crazy chica went an' stole the SS "No flippin' duh."
I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there
Der Kommandant: Hrmm...*does a google search on her phone*...Nope, there are no Hot Topic stores in the U.K
Rose: Attributing the ability to do research to the author is quite an exercise in folly, is it not?
John: Don't Hogwarts students only get to leave campus on special occasions anyway?
For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.
Dornan: You chose to put all of your mediocre writing ability into describing your OUTFIT!?!
Dornan: *Anguished sobs*
Kamal: *Face buried in hands*
Emerald Soviet: By Lenin's ghost...this is going to be happening a lot...isn't it?
Xaraghoul: GET ON WITH IT BLASTED WOMAN!
I was walking outside Hogwarts.
The Ant (Ebony): But then I was thrown off Campus for violating the dress code.
It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.
Tombstone: ...Now I'm no meteorologist but...aren't snow and rain mutually exclusive weather conditions?
Kargoth: A pity there's no sun, otherwise she might have burst into flames.
Orlok: I would approve of such a course of events.
Ryujin: Nah, she just wants more Vitamin D deficiency.
Rose (Ebony): I then realized that I was developing severe frostbite for wearing a skimpy outfit in cold weather.
A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
Black Hand Grunt 2 (Prep): Here take my sweater!
Der Kommandant (Ebony): No! I refuse to conform because of my generic teen angst!
Imasura: Quite an awful lot of rudeness.
O'chunks: And then the preps beat her to death, the end!
"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…Draco Malfoy!
The Founder: I object to such blatant misusage of ellipses!
Count Bleck: Dramatic pauses, you're doing them wrong.
"What's up Draco?" I asked.
"Nothing." he said shyly.The Ant: Draco, shy!?!
The Ant: Has she even read the books?!
Rose (Ebony): I slowly exerted my Mary Sue powers over him to compel him to love me.
John (Draco): Then I realized that I hated muggleborns and kicked her into the mud.
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.
Dornan: This bitch has friends!?!
Hercules: Show me proof of these friends!
Lone Wanderer: I sense another inane description coming up shortly.
Jade: Oh my god this prose is soooo dull!!!!
Dave: Girl can spend all damn day describing her outfit, but she can't write out someone callin' her over? Bullshit.
AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!
Carol: No, no it wasn't, go die in a fire.
Ryujin: Just for that pun, I wish you to rot in hell.
John: Wait, she seriously expected people to LIKE this!?!
Rose: The mediocre are least able to spot their own deficiencies.
AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta!
Rahn: Oh screw you bloodytearz666, you are the most atrocious proofreader I have ever seen!
The Emerald soviet: Use the spellchecker! It's only a single right click!
BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!
Orlok: I want to see her burn, does this make me a prep?
Tombstone: Apparently so.
Imasura: I would be hard pressed to believe that none of the "goffs" would not take offence to this.
Script format end.
Then the Story Time sign on the monitor flickered off, prompting an sigh of relief to emerge from the crowd. "Nufai feels....dirty..." The alien muttered nervously as he took some time to stretch. "This is only going to get worse...isn't it? " Carol groaned as she realized that this was but the first chapter of what was going to be a forty four chapter long epic of badness. "Rose... " John said, looking over to her. "Yes John?" She asked, making eye contact with him. "Thanks for coming with me...because GOOD GRIEF THIS IS BAD! " He shouted in a rising voice before flailing his arms wildly.
OOC: That's the first chapter everyone! I'll try to get more up if people like this. Be sure to comment.
Here's the original fanfic for those who want to read it.