Vrakmul proudly presents, an in-character My immortal MST3king.

OOC: To those who do not know what an MST3k is, it's a term derived from "Mystery science theater 3000" a TV show where the cast watched and riffed on B-movies, all in character, which grew so popular it's name came to encompass in character riffings on pretty much anything, though Movies and Literature remain the most popular.   As for what is My Immortal?  http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6200297/1/My-Immortal That is my immortal.  Quite possibly the single *worst* fanfiction of all time and one of the greatest targets for snarking on the internet.  Though it claims to be a Harry Potter fanfic, it really has absolutely nothing to do with the series, everyone is painfully out of character, names are changed for no reason, and it's generally so terrible that just associating it with Harry Potter would be insulting.  Even as a non-fan of the series, I can tell just how bad the canon defilement is from a cursory glance.   For this, I'll be alternating between standard and script format, and the characters will be in a "movie theater" reading of it.         Bolded text in the script section will be from the my immortal fanfic, the unbolded text is mine.   
 
IC: John stepped into the theater, straightening his long, blue windsock hood out before Rose put a hand on his shoulder reassuringly.  "Relax, everything will be fine, the Timekeeper isn't a malevolent entity. "  She assured him as she lead them to their seats.  Next to the pair were Jade and Dave, both of them in their unarmoured, hooded outfits.   But above them were two colossal figures, the enormous, winding blue lung god known as Ryujin, and his favoured consort, a colossal divine monarch butterfly known as Imasura, who kept her wings nice and folded.  Liberty prime sat in another colossal top row seat, while the gelatinous Terramachy was farther to the right.     
 
Down below were all sorts of people.  He could see the shark-like mutant O'chunks, the silvery bulk of Dornan, the Reptillian mass that was the Emerald soviet, the bad pun spewing Vhozon known as Phrygus, the stately, serenely glowing Founder, both Viktor and Ormag who sat to the right.  A woman in Nazi garb, the ghostly Tombstone, the wisecracking Ant, the cyclopean lone wanderer, the vain Venus, the incredible Hercules, the teutonic Dreadnaught, the ghastly Chaos Lord Xaraghoul, the infamous Dark Triad, the mad Ishmael Caliborn, the sinister Vorzhilok, the spider limbed Count Bleck, the viral Red Menace,  the very much armoured Agent California, a large number of Black Hand soldiers, the cowardly Nufai, the bombastic Kamal Re'x, many members of the Ordo Astartes, the rebel Hierarchy General Lork'ri, the Colossal frame of Orlok, and countless others that he couldn't identify.      
 
"This is said to be the worst piece of human literature ever ."  Nufai whispered to Kamal in between the munching of popcorn.  "The worst?!  Bah, given the trash that the hairless monkeys put out this can't possibly be tolerable! "  Kamal bombastically declared, rising from his seat before he was urged downwards by an angry glare from Ryujin.  "This is going to be good ."  Dornan chuckled while Jade whispered something into Dave's ear, prompting him to smirk.  Tombstone scratched his chin a bit as he sighed out while Carol just lay down over multiple seats.  "Jeez, when is this going to start? "   The Ant questioned before the monitor at the front of the theater flickered into life.  "Shh guys, it's starting! "  John said as the room darkened, ominous music playing throughout the theater, prompting the murmuring of the crowd to quiet down.      
 
John had no idea what to expect, even as he sipped some of his Soda and Rose casually brought a fistful of popcorn to her mouth.   He had heard some things about this fanfic, but surely nothing could be that bad?   Then a sign above the monitor flared a Neon Red, reading "STORY TIME!"   Before the speakers began their narration of the words that began appearing on the screen.  
 
 

Script format begin

 AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)  
 
Kamal Re'x: *Rises from his seat* WHAT MOCKERY OF LANGUAGE IS THIS!?!    
 
Rose: *Double takes*  
 
Dave: *Eyebrow quirk*  
 
Vrakmul: *Silence*   
 
John: ...Oh god this is just the start isn't it?  
 
Ryujin: Aw hell.     
 
Jade: Oh noooo!  
 
Carol: We've just started, and I'm already scared.    
 
Nufai: *Manages to coax Kamal back into his seat
 
2 my gf (ew not in that way)   
 
Carol: Well, now that you've brought it up...  
 
Black Hand Grunt #1: *Wolf whistles*    
   
Black Hand Grunt #2: *Punches #1 in the faceplate*    
 
raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.  
 
Orlok: *Aghast* This is her spelling with  help?  
 
Dornan: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph this is gonna suck.    
 
Lork'ri: I must admit, I have yet to see what is so bad about this other than the terrible punnery and lack of command over the English language.     
 
The Ant: Five dollars to who guesses which clique she's part of!  
 
U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2  
 
Kargoth: I know I should find this young love endearing...but right now I'm merely worried.  
 
Imasura: Worried?  About what?  
 
Kargoth: The future of the human genepool.      
 
Xaraghoul: Allow me to state that the dark prince of pleasure Slaanesh had nothing to do with this.  
 
Tombstone: Of course not, the most likely culprit is a clear unwillingness to pay a single god damned cent of attention in english class.    
 
! MCR ROX!  
 
All: *Blinks*  
 
All: What?!  
 
Count Bleck: What in the hells is MCR?  
 
Liberty Prime: MY COMMUNIST RHETORIC?  
 
Terramachy: My carnal retribution?  
 
Others: *Stares at Terramachy*
 
Terrmachy: *Shuts up*    
 
Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way  
 
Dave: *Both eyebrows quirked* What the fuck kind of name is that?  
 
Lone Wanderer: Observation; subject was likely loathed by parents.    
 
Ryujin:  *Snorts* Pahahahahah!     
 
John: Why is there an apostrophe!?!     
 
Carol: Honestly, if my parents stuck me with that name, I'd have run the hell away myself.    
 
Dornan: *Facepalming*  Urgghhhh....  
 
Vrakmul: *Eyeroll*    
 
The Ant: Whoa, watch the name brick!  
 
and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)   
 
Tombstone: Either her parents could tell the future, or she had one of the weirdest damn child births ever.    
 
Phrygus: What the shizz?  Last time I checked earth babies were all down with the baldness yo.   
 
Viktor: Actually, they can be born with some hair but n-  
 
Der Kommandant: *Gives Viktor an evil glare*  
 
Viktor: But of course, that's irrelevant.    
 
with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back  
 
Jade: *Exasperated* Are you sure her name isn't Mary Sue?    
 
Rose:  Hmm...yes I do believe the litmus test has broken within the first few sentences.  Congratulations.    
 
Der Kommandant:  Mein Gott, this explains everything, she's a mutant freak!
   
O'chunks: *Turns to stare at her* Whaddya got 'gainst mutants?  
 
Der Kommandant: *Shuts up*  
 
and icy blue eyes like limpid tears  
 
Hercules: She does realize that tears are colourless, right?    
 
and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).  
 
All: *Stands up to leave, partially in jest before being urged back down by the projector crew*  
   
I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.   
 
The Ant: Because Incest is totally something you want to have!  
 
Dave: Damn straight, 'specially with people twice your age am I right?    
 
I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.   
 
Nufai: According to Nufai's sources...this statement is completely self contradictory.    
 
Emerald Soviet:  I have met many vampires, not one had straight teeth!  What is this madness!?!    
 
Carol: Check your logic at the door please.    
 
I have pale white skin.  
 
Kamal Re'x: Perhaps there is a hope she will die of melanin deficiency!    
 
John: Oh man, if only.    
 
Black Hand Grunt #3:  That sound you're hearing?  That's the albinos of the world cringing.    
 
I'm also a witch,   
 
Tombstone: But may we burn her?  
 
Rose: Only if she weighs the same as a duck.    
 
Kargoth: Hah!  
 
and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).  
 
Venus: No shit sherlock?    
 
The Ant: I'm actually preeeetty sure Hogwarts is in Scotland.    
 
Carol: How dare you bring logic into this?!  
 
John: Shhh, it's going to the next line!  
 
I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)  
 
*beat*    
 
All:  No duh!     
 
and I wear mostly black.   
 
Jade:  Oh really?  Now you're gonna tell us that you suck blood?    
 
Phrygus:  Damn, someone call Captain Obvious, this crazy chica went an' stole the SS "No flippin' duh."  
 
I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there   
 
Der Kommandant:  Hrmm...*does a google search on her phone*...Nope, there are no Hot Topic stores in the U.K  
 
Rose: Attributing the ability to do research to the author is quite an exercise in folly, is it not?     
 
John: Don't  Hogwarts  students only get to leave campus on special occasions anyway?    
 
For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.  I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.
 
Dornan:  You chose to put all of your mediocre writing ability into describing your OUTFIT!?!    
 
Dornan: *Anguished sobs*    
 
Kamal: *Face buried in hands*  
 
Vrakmul: ...    
 
Emerald Soviet: By Lenin's ghost...this is going to be happening a lot...isn't it?     
   
Xaraghoul: GET ON WITH IT BLASTED WOMAN!  
 
I was walking outside Hogwarts.   
 
The Ant (Ebony): But then I was thrown off Campus for violating the dress code.     
 
It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.   
 
Tombstone:  ...Now I'm no meteorologist but...aren't snow and rain mutually exclusive weather conditions?  
 
Kargoth: A pity there's no sun, otherwise she might have burst into flames.    
 
Orlok: I would approve of such a course of events.  
 
Ryujin: Nah, she just wants more Vitamin D deficiency.    
 
Rose (Ebony):  I then realized that I was developing severe frostbite for wearing a skimpy outfit in cold weather.    
 
A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.   
 
Black Hand Grunt 2 (Prep):  Here take my sweater!  
 
Der Kommandant (Ebony):  No!  I refuse to conform because of my generic teen angst!       
   
Imasura:  Quite an awful lot of rudeness.    
 
O'chunks: And then the preps beat her to death, the end!  
 
"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…Draco Malfoy!  
 
The Founder: I object to such blatant misusage of ellipses!    
 
Count Bleck: Dramatic pauses, you're doing them wrong.     
 

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. 

 The Ant: Draco, shy!?!    
 
The Ant:  Has she even read the books?!    
 
Rose (Ebony):  I slowly exerted my Mary Sue powers over him to compel him to love me.    
 
John (Draco):  Then I realized that I hated muggleborns and kicked her into the mud.     
 
 But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.  
 
Dornan:  This bitch has friends!?!    
   
Hercules: Show me proof of these friends!   
 
Lone Wanderer: I sense another inane description coming up shortly.     
 
Jade: Oh my god this prose is soooo dull!!!!  
 
Dave: Girl can spend all damn day describing her outfit, but she can't write out someone callin' her over?  Bullshit.    
 
AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!  
 
Carol:  No, no it wasn't, go die in a fire.    
 
Ryujin: Just for that pun, I wish you to rot in hell.     
 
John: Wait, she seriously expected people to LIKE this!?!  
   
Rose: The mediocre are least able to spot their own deficiencies.    
 
AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta!  
 
Rahn: Oh screw you bloodytearz666, you are the most atrocious proofreader I have ever seen!  
 
The Emerald soviet: Use the spellchecker!  It's only a single right click!     
 
BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!   
 
Orlok: I want to see her burn, does this make me a prep?    
 
Tombstone:  Apparently so.     
 
Imasura: I would be hard pressed to believe that none of the "goffs" would not take offence to this.         
 

Script format end.

 
Then the Story Time sign on the monitor flickered off, prompting an sigh of relief to emerge from the crowd.  "Nufai feels....dirty..."   The alien muttered nervously as he took some time to stretch.    "This is only going to get worse...isn't it? "  Carol groaned as she realized that this was but the first chapter of what was going to be a forty four chapter long epic of badness.   "Rose... "  John said, looking over to her.  "Yes John?"  She asked, making eye contact with him.  "Thanks for coming with me...because GOOD GRIEF THIS IS BAD! "  He shouted in a rising voice before flailing his arms wildly.   
 

 
OOC:  That's the first chapter everyone!   I'll try to get more up if people like this.   Be sure to comment.      
 
Here's the original fanfic for those who want to read it.  
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Posted by The_Mercenary

My Chemical Romance does indeed, rock.

Posted by Vrakmul
@The_Mercenary said:

My Chemical Romance does indeed, rock.

I haven't listened to any of their songs, but I don't think they'd appreciate Tara's obsession with them.  
Posted by Kovak

Wow. My cancer from that Fic has cancer.

Edited by Vrakmul

The brief murmurings of what to do next were silenced by the "Story Time" sign flashing into being again, prompting many a long groan of anguish as everyone steeled themselves for another torture session.     
 

Script format begin

 
The next day I woke up in my bedroom. 
 
The Ant: Are you sure you didn't wake up in the fields of scotland?  Because I'm pretty sure they would have kicked you out.   
 
Tombstone: Don't overthink it, you'll go mad. 
 
It was snowing and raining again. 
 
Rose: I have a feeling that this is the only kind of weather we'll be seeing out of this.    
 
Jade: Don't jinx it! 
 
John: I still don't get how that works!  Even in fictionland! 
 
The Founder: It doesn't.   
 
I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.  
 
Dave: Okay, what the *fuck* kinda school lets you bring blood in a bottle? 
 
Dave: Because that shit is mad unsanitary.    
 
Phrygus:  Probably some whacked out crackalley of a crib.   
 
Dornan: Oh my god, Jive turkey aliens.    
 
Carol: Shhh, we have a badfic to riff. 
 
My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. 
 
Der Kommandant: I clearly remember her stating that she was gothic. 
 
Rahn: Maybe gothics don't wear pink, but "goffiks" do! 
 
I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. 
 
Hercules:  Wait wait wait...How do you "take of" a shirt? 
 
Ryujin: Carefully. 
 
Hercules: Pssh.    
 
Imasura: But how does one take of anything? 
 
Orlok: Again, carefully.   
 
Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on.  
 
Emerald Soviet: Oh no, here we go again. 
 
Lone wanderer: My calculations were correct...unfortunately. 
 
John: Oh my god who cares about what you're wearing! 
 
Rose: *rolls eyes* 
 
Vrakmul: *Brow Pinch* 
 
Kargoth:  Urgghhhh...is this a story, or a Hot topic advert? 
 
The Ant: My god it all makes sense now. 
 
Der Kommandant:  Huh? 
 
The Ant: Tara is actually a secret agent for Hot Topic! 
 
Jade: *Fakes a gasp!* 
 
I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. 
 
Kamal Re'x:  Confounded woman!  Have you never heard of redundancy!?!   
 
Nufai: I do not believe that she has heard much of anything.  Nufai's intuition does not allow for the concept of this woman being intelligent.    
 
The Founder:  Four pairs?  That sounds...impractical.     
 
Liberty Prime: THIS DRESS STYLE IS UNAMERICAN AND THUS COMMUNIST! 
 
Terramachy:  All that metal can't be good for the environment.   
 
My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) 
 
Dornan: Really, a FRIEND insert?   
 
Phrygus:  Hey man, when she done and went to hit rock bottom she had to find a way to start diggin'! 
 
Venus: Augh!  First rule of writing fiction!  Don't insert yourself or your friends! 
 
Rose: Implying Tara has enough intelligence to read the rules.    
 
John: Implying Tara isn't a troll.   
 
Black Hand Grunt #2 (Willow):  I then screamed upon realizing that I've been dragged into someone's wish fulfillment fantasies! 
 
woke up then and grinned at me. 
 
Kamal Re'x: And then in sheer TERROR she let out a blood curdling cry upon realizing that soon, SHE TOO WOULD HAVE HER CLOTHING DESCRIBED! 
 
Ryujin:  Oh hell, she's going to get a description too? 
 
Jade: Noooo!  Don't jinx it! 
 
Imasura: Please, I don't think we can take ano- 
 
She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.  
 
Imasura: Oh fuck me.     
 
Ryujin:  Already have.   
 
Imasura:  *Embarassedly*  Shhh, not in public! 
  
Others: *Make various looks of disgust, with John pretending to retch*    
 
The Ant: So...am I the only one who finds it weird that she took like, five minutes to open her eyes after waking up? 
 
Tombstone:  Actually...now that you mention it.    
 
Carol:  What is this girl's beef against people without black hair?   
 
John:  They're preps!  Duh.   
 
She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. 
 
Dave:  *Facepalm*    
 
Dornan: My, my, my, my, my God noooooooooooo!!! 
 
Emerald Soviet:  Restrain me before I kill this tovarisch! 
 
Rahn: Oh sweet blue monkey Jesus.   
 
Vrakmul: *Brow pinch* 
 
Kargoth:  The Marilyn Manson T-shirt alone is a frightening image.   
 
Rose:  Such a combination of clothes would not even look very good. 
 
Der Kommandant:  This Tara girl needs to be put in a concentration camp.   
 
Several others: *Give disapproving stares*  
 
Der Kommandant: *Sulks into her chair.* 
 
We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) 
 
Lone Wanderer:  White Foundation...on Vampire pale Skin?    
 
The Ant: Maybe she wants to be so pale, that the sun will bounce off of her! 
 
Dave: Aw hell no, you saying she's gonna sparkle like Cullen? 
 
The Ant: ...I vote we kill the bitch who wrote this with fire... 
 
Nexatos: I second that motion.      
 
"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. 
 
Jade:  She said an acronym aloud? 
 
Xaraghoul:  Talked?  ALL THEY DID WAS GREET EACH OTHER!   
 
Nufai:  This literature...is not very good for Nufai's brain... 
 
Liberty Prime: LOGIC DETECTED...ZERO! 
 
"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. 
 
Carol (Ebony): Even though as a Vampire, I'm an undead monstrosity with no blood flow.    
 
"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. 
 
All:  Incoming generic denial in three...two....one.... 
 
"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. 
 
Tombstone:  Whoa, watch the F-bomb there missy.   
 
O'chunks: Oh my god, who wrote this tripe and where does she live?   
 
Ishmael:  Gurgh.... 
 

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. 

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. 

 John (Ebony):  Even though I just said I didn't like him five seconds ago, I'll totally flirt with him! 
 
Kamal: THE WORD IS FLIRTATIOUSLY YOU DIMWIT! 
 
Phrygus: Yo big head, yall seriously need to like, chill out dog.   
 

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked. 

Dave (Draco): Chicken butt.   
 
Jade: *giggles*   
 
Dornan (Ebony): My mary sue powers allowed me to catch your splooge and become PREGNANT! 
 
Carol (Draco):  What?  That's retarded. 
 
Dornan (Ebony):  But I'm a Mary Sue and you can't say no! 
 
"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. 
 
The Ant: So an American muggle band is allowed to play in a zone where technology doesn't work, and most muggles don't even know about?  Much less are allowed in?   
 
Rose: Trying to bring logic into this can only lead to madness.    
 
Rahn (Draco):  And then I realized I was stoned out of my mind, as there was clearly no other reason why I would care about a muggle band.   
 
"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. 
 
Tombstone: Oh there goes the F-bomb again.   
 
Imasura: Squeeing fangirls...ick... 
 
I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. 
 
Kargoth: And the audience cares about this, why exactly? 
 
Jade: Because of her Mary Sue powers! 
 

"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. 

 Venus (Ebony):  AIR!  NEED...AIR! 
 
Carol (Ebony): Choking on...make up...fume!   
 
 AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! 
 
Orlok: No. 
 
John:  That poor caps lock key.   
 
odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! 
 
Hercules:  Good reviews?  I don't believe you.  Show me them, I want proof.   
 
Ryujin:  She'll pulled them out from where she gets her plot points.   
  
Der Kommandant:  And that would be?   
 
Ryujin:  Her ass.   
  
FANGS AGEN RAVEN! 
 
Kamal: Blast it!  Cease with your atrocious punnery! 
 
Jade: Isn't there a drinking game for this? 
 
Dave:  I'm pretty sure we'd all die of liver failure, even the guys immune to alcohol.    
 
Carol: Hell of a way to go.... 
 
Vorzhilok:  Well, at the very least, Raven made this work somewhat readable, given how poorly written her authors notes are.   
 
oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte 
 
Tombstone:  What kind of fan can't even spell their own favorite band's name right?   
 
The Ant:  The kind that get restraining orders placed on them!   
 
Black Hand Grunt #4 (Good Charlotte): And we sure are glad you don't!   
 

Script format end

 
Everyone let out a sigh of contentment and relief now that the storytime sign shut off, but just as quickly, it relit itself, stating just how dickish whomever was at the controls was.   
Posted by Kovak

Oh dear god man, why do you hate your characters so?

Posted by Vrakmul
@Kovak said:

Oh dear god man, why do you hate your characters so?

It actually gets much worse in future chapters as Tara becomes increasingly less coherent.  
Posted by Kovak

@Vrakmul: I'm up to Chapter 7. She gets less coherent? Is that possible?

Posted by Vrakmul
@Kovak said:

@Vrakmul: I'm up to Chapter 7. She gets less coherent? Is that possible?

Yes, her ability to spell and use grammar and syntax take a nosedive once you get to the double digit chapters.  
Posted by Kovak

@Vrakmul: Oh sweet mother of God...

In addition, has she ever read the books? Or watched the films?

Posted by Vrakmul
@Kovak said:

@Vrakmul: Oh sweet mother of God...

In addition, has she ever read the books? Or watched the films?

She admits to having only watched the films.  But I disagree with even that.  I think her crack dealer just told her about it.  
Posted by Kovak

@Vrakmul: Chapter 17...Dear God.......Just kill me now.

Someone "taught her Japanese". Just die! PLEASE!

Posted by Vrakmul
@Kovak said:

@Vrakmul: Chapter 17...Dear God.......Just kill me now.

Someone "taught her Japanese". Just die! PLEASE!

She wasn't content with butchering just one language anymore.
Posted by Kovak

@Vrakmul: Oh god. I just want Vrakmul to kill her already. Or Ryujin. That'd be funny.

Posted by Vrakmul

Next chapter goes up tomorrow, I need sleep.

Posted by Kovak

Well, having read all the chapters, I now fear for the future of mankind.

Posted by The_Mercenary

@Kovak said:

Well, having read all the chapters, I now fear for the future of mankind.

lmfao

Posted by Vrakmul
@The_Mercenary said:

@Kovak said:

Well, having read all the chapters, I now fear for the future of mankind.

lmfao

Pray that Tara is a troll, because otherwise, when she reproduces; we are all f*cked.
Posted by Vrakmul

Script Format Begin

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels.

Tombstone: *Makes an oval with his fingers* This is the amount of fucks I give right now.

Emerald Soviet: By Lenin's beard, not more clothes!

Rose: Going to a concert, outdoors, in high heels?

Dave (Ebony): But then I realized that these clothes were too preppy

Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front.

The Ant: So...she's a seventeen year old vampire witch.

Der Kommandant: Who acts like a sugar high eight year old girl.

Jade: And dresses like a twenty three year old skank.

Orlok: Sounds about right.

Ryujin: This is making me wish that mankind never invented clothing.

Carol: My god, there are fashion magazines that put less effort into describing someone's outfit.

Dornan: *Sobs*

Nufai: This is why I am glad that my species does not have a ridiculous emphasis on fashion.

I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.

Xaraghoul: Clearly she is a warp spawn, there is no other way her hair can be straight and spiky at the same time.

Cthulhu: Even by non-euclidean standards, that's a stretch.

O'chunks: Where the fuck did the S go?

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.

Lord Varitus: I'm...fairly certain that you don't slit your wrists if you're only a little depressed.

John: Jesus girl, get help.

Phrygus (Ebony): Then I went an' bled to death spillin' blood all over my crib.

Imasura: If only....

I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.

Dreadnaught: Because reading a depressing book is the best thing to do when you're already at the level of self mutilation.

Dave: Totes man, I mean hell, don't you know anything?

Dreadnaught: I never really understood American youth culture...it all seemed a bit Scheisse to me.

The Ant: It really is.

The Ant: I mean...we're the continent that spawned Jersey shore!

Tombstone: And this trite...

I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner.

Ryujin (Ebony): My neck then snapped under the weight of several tons of eyeliner.

Orlok: Not just a lot, but TONS!

Rose: Of the metric fuck variety most likely.

Terramachy: Good grief, I hope that's biodegradable.

Phrygus: Not sure I'd be all down with anythin' that touched her goin' all back down to mother earth yo.

Terramachy: You're right....

Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway.

Dornan: Jesus christ how much longer is this!?!

Rahn: It never stops, it never stops, oh the humanity it never stops!

Vrakmul: *Brow pinching something fierce*

Kargoth: Please...I'm begging you...get back to whatever modicum of plot you have!

I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert

John(Ebony): The fact that I likely just killed someone to drink their blood didn't bother me, everyone would love me anyway!

Rose: *Facepalms*

Nexatos: Oh thank the Icon it's over.

Hercules: THERE IS A DEMIURGE!

I went outside.

Tombstone: And then hit the door face first.

Vorzhilok (Ebony): But the door fell in love with me and opened itself.

Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too),

Emerald Soviet: No...please don't start again!

The Ant: Wait, but Draco hates muggle inventions!

Rose: Again, logic has no place here.

Dave: Sure is convenient that simple plan's here so we can get more costume porn descriptions.

Jade: Urk...

Ryujin: *Exasperated* Remind me to wipe out all the bands this author likes after we're done.

baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

Tombstone: Only if they like to be outcasts missy.

Kamal: My universal translator says "Authors note: A lot of cool boys wear it okay!" Or "I am functionally RETARDED!" I shudder to think what this story would have looked like if she didn't have an editor!

Lork'ri: Kamal you fool! You'll doom us all!

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.

Xaraghoul: By the dark gods! You don't use exclamation points when you're depressed!

The Ant: But she's "goffik" so clearly she's beyond happiness!

Tombstone (Ebony): I briefly yelped because I was slitting my wrists as I said hi.

John (Draco): I came to my senses and told this loser to piss off and die in a fire!

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz

Imasura: Wait...they walked into a car while it was flying?!

Rose: They must have cast Air walk.

Carol: Where did Draco get a Mercedes Benz? Much less a FLYING one?

Dornan: *Anguished sobs* It just doesn't stop.

Emerald Soviet: WHY IS EVERYTHING BLACK!?!

Phrygus: Cause they be ballin' with the "goffik" vampire things yo.

Dave: I swear to Skaia if they sparkle...

Jade: When will it end!?!

(the license plate said 666)

Vrakmul: *Facepalm*

Kargoth: Because Satanism is KEWL!

Tombstone: I'm pretty sure a license plate like that is illegal.

The Ant (Draco): I didn't tell her I jacked this car from the Stark Expo and painted over the license plate.

and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson.

Jade: She can go on and on, and on about clothing...but she can't say concert hall!?

Black Hand Grunt #2: How do you listen excitedly?

Chaos Space Marine 1: By Slaanesh this story is disgraceful!

Lone Wanderer: Surely we shall be treated to more banality.

We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.

Venus: And then they crashed and burned because flying anything while high is a fucking stupid idea.

Ryujin: What kind of drugs?

John: Hogwarts has drugs?

When we got there, we both hopped out of the car

Carol (Ebony): And then we realized we were still a hundred feet in the air and fell to our deaths.

Orlok: And there was much rejoicing.

Rose: I pity whomever has to scrape their splattered remains off the ground.

We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

Imasura: As everyone else had good taste, nobody else was around, and they soon embarassed themselves.

Der Kommandant: *Puzzled* How does one Mosh in HIGH HEELS!?

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood

Kamal: My ears! My sweet, precious ears!

Dave: Oh wow, she's actually writing out the fucking song.

Phrygus: Damn man, what's this shit that these whackjobs be all up 'n listenin' too?

Liberty Prime: THIS MUSIC IS INCREDIBLY UNAMERICAN!

They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord,

Rose: Congratulations, it's a girl, albeit one with a hideous mental defect.

O'chunks: Oh my god I'm going to KILL this bitch.

Rahn: Filler, wonder freaking ful.

hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

*Beat*

Everyone: DUUUUHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco,

The Ant: Now I don't claim to be an expert on dating, but isn't calling another guy hot in front of your boyfriend on your first date kind of a slap in the face?

Tombstone: More like a kick in the nuts.

John: That's what this story is!

John: It's a kick in my brain's nuts!

Carol: Joel is not hot...

pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Carol: If by Amazing you mean he's a talentless hack, then yes, you're right on the money.

Dornan: There isn't a concert club in Hogsmeade...there isn't!

Dornan: Microphones shouldn't even work!

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

Dave: Well duh, you went and kicked him in the balls by calling another guy hot on your first fucking date.

Dave: God damn it, my species doesn't even buy into this monogamy crap and I know that!

John: Wait what?

Rose: It's a Novian thing.

John: Ohh...that's weird.

Phrygus: Is anyone in this whacked out trainwreck ever damn happy?

Kargoth: No, because that would be too preppy.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music.

Nexatos: MOSH! MOSH! MOSH!

Then I caught on.

The Ant (Ebony): I suddenly realized I'm a terribly written moron!

The Ant (Ebony): With less taste than cardboard!

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

John: Yeah he actually has STANDARDS!

O'Chunks: And he's totally already taken!

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

Rose: Did she just put Draco and "sensitive" in the same sentence?

Jade: Oh god, I don't think she even read the books or watched the movies.

Ryujin: Then where did she get her info from?

Dave: Wikipedia maybe?

Jade: No, from her crack dealer!

Tombstone: This...explains...everything.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff.

Nexatos: Ah, so I see that she has legally changed her name to Hilary F Duff.

I fucking hate that little bitch."

Emerald Soviet: My words to you! Exactly!

John: Now, Hilary Duff may suck eggs, but what has she ever done to you?

Rose: Steal the man she fantasizes about on a daily basis.

Phrygus: Bitches all be angstin'.

I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

Rahn: Wait...how does one have a blonde face?

Der Kommandant: Perhaps she's the bearded lady from the circus?

Dornan: What's wrong with blondes!?

Kamal Re'x: Clearly it's because their masses of dead keratin aren't insufferably devoid of brightness!

The night went on really well, and I had a great time.

Hercules: Look you idiot! If you're going to pour pages upon pages of description on, NOW IS THE DAMNED TIME!

Dave (Ebony): But nobody else did.

Jade (Draco): Kill me now, before her charm person spell eats away my free will.

So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them.

Rahn: Which given that they had some taste, promptly refused.

Vorzhilok: This beige prose is getting increasingly insufferable.

Ishmael: Preaching to the choir.

Black Hand Grunt 1: TESTIFY BROTHER!

We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz,

Ryujin: And we should care what shirts you got, why?

Imasura: Because clearly she will drone on and on about it at a later date.

The Ant: Draco doesn't care about muggle fashion or muggle bands or muggle cars!

Tombstone: Easy kid, you'll have an aneurysm at this rate.

but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into... the Forbidden Forest!

John: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!

Rose: So that he could drop her off to be eaten by horrible monsters.

Jade: Oh god I wish.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok

Dave: Learn to spell first.

Orlok: I can't help it, I'm a fire elemental.

Hercules: But you're so combustible!

ebony's name is ENOBY

Carol: HOW DID YOU MISPELL HER OWN NAME!?! RIGHT AFTER GETTING IT RIGHT!?! AAAAAUGGGHHH!!!

Der Kommandant: *Slams head into the back of a chair*

Imasura: I'm calling her Enoby from now on...

nut mary su OK!

The Ant: She may not be a "nut mary su" But she's definitely a Mary Sue.

Tombstone: I pity this girl's english teacher.

DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her

John: Only in your sick fangirl mind where everything is backwards.

Hercules: Oh boy, a crappy justification!

dat he is acting defrent!

*Beat*

Everyone: *FACEPALM x2 COMBO!*

dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

Kamal: No they don't! And even then it still wouldn't make any sense!

Rose: Their introduction literally consisted of saying "Hi" a few times.

Jade: What the hell am I reading? *Adjusts glasses*

Script format ends.

OOC: That's chapter 3 guys...only...forty one more to go...

GOD HELP ME!

Posted by Kovak

@The_Mercenary said:

@Kovak said:

Well, having read all the chapters, I now fear for the future of mankind.

lmfao

Nothing funny! Read it!

Edited by Vrakmul

Script

 
"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" 
 
John: Dumping you for someone with actual class? 
 
Rose: Oh I wish 
 
Kargoth: She seems to be quite liberal with her application of the F-bomb.   
 
Draco didn't answer 
 
Dave:  Gee, I wonder why 
 
Jade: Come on!  Kill her! 
 
The Ant: Normally I don't support death but yes. 
 
The Ant:  KILL THE BITCH! 
 
but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. 
 
Ryujin: And then he fell to his death and Ebony committed suicice. 
 
Orlok: Best news I've heard all day. 
 
Carol: Praise the Lord! 
 
Ryujin: Thank you 
 
I walked out of it too, curiously. 
 
Tombstone: And then she fell to her death and splattered on the ground. 
 
O'chunks: And not a single fuck was given that day.   
 
Phrygus: Whoa man, ain't "curious" the correct word? 
 
Rose: How dare you bring your grammar into this? 
 
John: Yeah, Enoby is too perfect for grammar! 
 

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped. 

Der Kommandant: Clearly the signs of a healthy relationship.   
 
Black hand Grunt #5: So she goes from curious to angry just like that?   
 
Terramachy:  Logic?  What Logic, I see no logic.   
 
Vladimir: Wait...didn't stupid american girl say that Enoby was right spelling? 
 
Imasura: Don't overthink it, your head will explode. 
 
Vladimir:  *stops thinking* 
 
Vorzhilok: Clearly this woman is a psychopath.   
 
Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts  
 
Ishmael: There isn't a school in the world that allows those. 
 
Dave: Whoa man, I have red eyes and I sure as hell ain't gothic. 
 
Jade:  But your red eyes are sexy and cool!  This is just stupid.   
 
Carol: Don't color contacts sting like a bitch? 
 
Dornan:  Yes!  They do!  Especially the red ones! 
 
Dornan: *Sob* 
 
which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness  
 
Kamal Re'x:  NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE DESIEREABLE IN A MATE! 
 
Nufai (Draco):  The human girl was giving me a funny glance, but I couldn't see very well, as my eyes were busy burning like acid had been poured on them. 
 
Carol (Ebony):  And then I depressedly killed myself.   
 
Hercules: HUZZAH! 
 
and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore 
 
North Star: Wow, if only calming down an Angry spouse were that easy.    
 
Jade: Everything is easy when you have SUE powers! 
 
John: Look out world!  Here comes supersue! 
 
Rose:  More poorly written than the ramblings of a first year old, more annoying than Jar Jar binks, able to destroy all canon with a single stroke of a pen. 
 
And then... suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.  
 
Count Bleck: Oh joy, here comes the IKEA erotica.   
 
Venus: Put the A's Peg into B's hole, repeat until satisfied.   
 
Lone Wanderer:  Pardon?  The grammar was so atrocious my processors briefly crashed.   
 
Liberty Prime: LOGIC LEVELS STILL AT ZERO PERCENT AND FALLING.  
 
Draco climbed on top of me 
 
John: And since Enoby is a ten pound stick she went squish! 
 
Jade:  Yayyyy!  :D   
 
Dave: Hallelujah 
 
Rose: A thousand angels cried out in joy.   
 
Dornan: Oh boy oh boy oh boy, here comes the sex scene!   
 
Dornan:  If she puts as much work into it as she does the clothing I'll get something out of this! 
 
.  and we started to make out keenly against a tree. 
 
Carol: Given that keenly means sharp, that means they engaged in mutual decapitation.   
 
Carol: Which is the best possible scenario. 
 
The Ant: Oh please, please, please the whomping willow and please, please, please make some Emo pancakes! 
 
Tombstone:  I'll support that motion. 
 
He took of my top and I took of his clothes. 
 
Dornan:  No...this isn't going to be worth it... 
 
Hercules:  How do you "took of" clothes? 
 
Ryujin:  This is why virgins should not write sex scenes.... 
 
Imasura:  But she's not even wet yet... 
 
Jade: That's not how it works!    
 
*Beat*
 
*Everyone looks at Jade, Dave is blushing faintly, and then Jade blushes furiously and hides* 
 
I even took of my bra. 
 
O'chunks:  GAH ANOREXIC GOTH TITS! 
 
Rahn:  It burns! 
 
Vladimir:  No!  No!  Not that!  Ahhhh!!!! 
 
Ryujin: NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE 
 
Orlok: *Spittakes* 
 
Vrakmul: *FACEPALM x2 combo* 
 

 Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what 
 
Dornan:  That...that.... 
 
Dornan:  FUCK YOU!!!!!!!! 
 
Dornan:  YOU PUT US THROUGH ALL OF THAT AND YOU DON'T EVEN GIVE US A PROPER!?!  AUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHH!!! 
 
Carol: Enjoy the friction from dry sex.   
 
John:  Can she really not say "length" and "slit?" 
 
Rose: And where  did you learn those terms were used as euphemisms for genitalia? 
 
*beat*
 
John: *Face flushes* 
 
John:  Uhhhhhhhhh................errrrmmmmmmm....ehhhhhhhh..... 
 
and we did it for the first time. 
 
O'chunks:  NO MAKE IT STOP!  IT BURNNSSSSS!!  
 
O'chunks: *Flails and screams*   
 
Imasura: Forget the IKEA erotica...we've reached a new low... 
 
Vorzhilok:  I would go as far as to say that this girl not only has never had sexual intercourse, she's never even seen it online.    
 
Xaraghoul:  *Squints* 
 
"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. 
 
Kargoth:  Does this constitute as work safe? 
 
Tombstone:  Given that you'd have better luck getting off of an anatomy textbook than this, yeah.   
 
The Ant:  The level of detail is so amazing I can't even see it! 
 
Carol:  NOT EVERY GIRL SCREAMS DURING SEX! 
 
I was beginning to get an orgasm.  
 
Phrygus:  Cat, this is mad whacked out yo. 
 
Emerald Soviet:  But you went in dry? 
 
John:  This isn't sex...it isn't anything!   
 
John:  It's just stupid! 
 
We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. 
 
Der Kommandant:  I thought you said she was an Undead untermenschen whose blood doesn't flow. 
 
Dreadnaught: Again with the logic Fraulein.   
 
Dave:  Sex cures vitamin D deficiency? 
 
And then... 
 
Jade: A  hundred ton lead weight fell from the sky and squashed them both, the end! 
 
Rahn:  Oh the suspense is killing me. 
 
Orlok: She is aware that dramatic pauses don't translate well into literary form, right? 
 
Hercules:  Implying that she has a brain.    
 

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was...Dumbledore! 

*Beat* 
 
Everyone:  *Blinks*   
 
*Beat*  
 
Everyone: *Snickers*   
  
*Beat*   
 
Everyone: *Falls over laughing hysterically.*  
 
*Laughter continues for ten minutes*   
 
AN: STOP flaming! 
 
Tombstone:  No!  Never! 
  
The Ant:  Odin's beard she spelled an author's note correctly! 
 
Der Kommandant:  Maybe she'll have something intelligent to sa- 
 
if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! 
 
Der Kommandant:  Fuck me... 
 
John: Let me get this straight... 
 
John: Us hating this makes us either blond white people in pink polo shirts, khakis, and always carrying golf clubs around, or it makes us fake members of a clique? 
 
John:  *Adjusts glasses* 
 
John: *blinks* 
 
John:  Huh? 
 
Rose:  Sense, this fic makes none.   
 
Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok 
 
Orlok:  I have a headache and I'm not swearing. 
 
Ryujin:  But you aren't in Taraland. 
 
Vrakmul:  *Shakes head in disapproval* 
 
Nexatos:  Who's Dumbledeur?   
 
Dave: What's a "hedache" 
 
Jade:  Why is she talking like an Ork?  Only less literate? 
 
an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! 
 
The Ant:  I don't know what that was up there, but it was NOT sex.   
 
Tombstone:  This girl should never be allowed to procreate 
 
Rose: For the good of humanity.    
 
Kargoth:  And the universe. 
 
Imasura:  And all within it. 
 
Ryujin:  Why was he even in the forbidden forest anyway? 
 
Dornan:  Why weren't they eaten by any number of monsters that would look at two naked, defenseless teenagers and say "hey look, free food!"   
 
PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! 
 
Everyone: *Stands up exuberantly, delirious with joy*   
 
Everyone:  HALLELUJAH!!!! 

Script

Posted by Sideslash

I love how mad your characters are getting. TO be honest, any of mine would have to be chained to their chairs, and wearing power-restricting headbands. And have all their weapons taken away.

Posted by Vrakmul
@Sideslash said:

I love how mad your characters are getting. TO be honest, any of mine would have to be chained to their chairs, and wearing power-restricting headbands. And have all their weapons taken away.

My immortal and it's similar fics tend to have that kind of effect on people.   I'm not sure if I should do "Metroid High School"  (Which includes such things as Cholera being an STD, a psychopathic armor plated dragon being considered screwable by the girl he orphaned by eating her parents when she was three and setting her homeworld on fire, and a self insert that is literally the author's username) or Legolas by Laura (Including such things as Legolas adopting a baby girl, whom the whole cast falls in love with, and then at the age of ten, she asks the person who's raised her all her life to be her boyfriend.)   So take your pick, canon defilement and getting even real world facts wrong, or canon defilement and pedophilia.  
Posted by Sideslash

@Vrakmul: Uh.....

Pukes everywhere.

Yep, good answer.

Posted by Mirabel

Don't worry, they're for the sequel.

Posted by Sideslash

@Mirabel: The...sequel...?

Curls up in the corner and begins rocking back and forth.

Posted by Mirabel

I'm going to do an MST3k blog for every work safe terrible fanfiction I can find.

Posted by Sideslash

@Mirabel: Oh please no. Dear god no. I will pray to Ryujin if you don't...

Posted by Vrakmul

Script

He kept shouting at us angrily.

Dornan: Of course, because you literally broke every rule there is in Hogwarts.

John: Go Dumbledore!

Rose: *Swoon*

O'chunks: Get 'em ya old man!

Rahn: Oh this will be good.

Carol: Oh hell yes!

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

Cthulhu: What kind of insult is that?

Der Kommandant: Raven, you are a scheisse editor.

Dornan (Dumbledore): You were copulating in the forbidden forest!

Carol (Dumbledore): You wrote this!

John (Dumbledore): You broke the dress code!

Rose (Dumbledore): You haven't attended any classes!

Kargoth (Dumbledore): You don't even have a wand!

Hercules (Dumbledore): You've violated canon!

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.

O'chunks: Cry me a river bitch!

Vladimir: Won't she bleed to death if she cries too much?

*Beat*

Everyone: *Looks at each other*

Everyone: CRY ME A RIVER BITCH!

Draco comforted me.

When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall

The Ant: Even though Gonagall concerns herself with Gryffinndor and not Slytherin.

Carol: Don't forget the fact that Draco isn't the "shoulder to cry on" kind of guy.

O'chunks: CRY ME A RIVER BITCH!

who were both looking very angry.

Orlok: For losing sleep over THIS.

Ryujin (Snape): Draco, what on earth are you doing with this whore?

Carol (McGonagall): Why am I even here? None of you are from my house!

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

Nexatos (Dumbledore): They were trying to recreate forest passion!

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

Cthulhu: That is the worst insult ever, of all time.

John: Department of redundancy department!

Dave (McGonagall): Go sit in the corner asswipe.

Rose: I still don't understand why she doesn't support something that defames Slytherin.

Hercules: Because this plot! Makes! Absolutely! No! SENSE!

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape

Carol (Snape): Draco is mine! MINE!!

Kargoth: I doubt that demanded is the right word to use in this context.

Jade: Is any word right??

Kargoth: Good point.

And then Draco shrieked.

Jade: Like a little girl!

Rose: Upon sighting his favoured boy band.

Imasura: While skipping with boundless glee.

Carol: And being castarated.

Der Kommandant: Schwine...

"BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

*Beat*

Everyone: *Blinks*

*Beat*

Everyone: *Guffaws heartily*

Rose: Even twilight has a less hackneyed romance than this drivel.

John: At least Draco isn't stalking her yet!

Xaraghoul: Just you wait, by the dark gods, just you wait.

Tombstone: If anything, she's stalking him.

Everyone was quiet.

The Ant: Because of how monumentally stupid that statement was!

Dornan: Don't forget completely out of character.

The Ant: Oh no, being in character was left for dead cut up in a plastic bag and dumped into a lake a loooong time ago.

Dave: A moment of silence yo.

Phrygus: What for dog?

Dave: Draco's char man, shit's been mutilated.

Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad

Ryujin: Because that was still an unbelievably stupid statement.

Imasura (McGonagall): You've know her for all of one day, and yet you are this deeply in love with her?

Carol (Dumbledore): Bitch, you're the biggest whore I've ever seen.

John: Pssh, as if anyone would bu-

but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

John: Fuck me.

Rose: *Waggles eyebrows at John and smiles*

John: Uhhhh....*blushes beet red*

Jade: D'aww.

Dave: Go get 'im sis.

The Ant: Wait wait wait, Snape, who is FAMOUS for being strict and harsh, just let's them head up to their rooms!?!

Dornan: *Anguished* But they don't have rooms! THEY! LIVE! IN! DORMS!

Carol: *Pats Dornan on the back* There, there Dorny, it'll be okay.

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

Tombstone (Snape): You damned fools, the Slytherin dorms are down stairs!

Emerald Soviet: I agree.

Phrygus: With what green lizard?

Emerald Soviet: She did hear of this story from her crack dealer.

Emerald Soviet: *Facepalms and groans*

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

Orlok: Don't be so concerned child, she's a Mary Sue! She can't be harmed permanently!

The Ant: Again, Draco, gentle!?

John: The boat's kinda sailed on any hope of anyone being in character!

Jade: Urgh please no more bad sex scenes!! *Gags*

Dave: Do we even have a damned clue as to what the hell "you know what" and "thingy" are?

Rose: Clearly a "you know what" is a box and a "thingy" is a shoe.

*Cue mass snorting*

"Yeah I guess." I lied.

Kamal: YOU ARE ALONE WITH A MALE WITH WHOM YOU SHARE MUTUAL ATTRACTION TO!!! WHAT!? IS!? THERE!?! NOT!?!!?! TO!?!?!?! BE!?!?! HAPPY!?!?!?!?! AAAAABBBBBBBBBOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTT!?!?!!?!?!?!

Kamal: GGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Nufai: *Takes out a small pill*

Nufai: Your chill pill, lord Kamal.

I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair

Rahn: Noooo! NOT MORE MORNING RITUALS!

Vrakmul: *Balls up hands*

Kargoth: By Pelor...

The Ant: Odin's shriveled left testicle...

Jade: Oh nooooo...

Dave: Shit no!

Phrygus: Aw hell naw.

Emerald Soviet: Nyet! Nyet! Nyet! A thousand times nyet!

Vladimir: Make it go away! *Cries*

Carol: It's like getting stabbed in my ovaries!

Der Kommandant: Mein gott, nein!

Dreadnaught: Oh the humanity!

and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels.

Orlok: NOT THE CLOTHES! THEY BURNNNN!!!!

Ryujin: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! The needless descriptions hurt!

Imasura: If I ignore it, will it go away?

Nexatos: Why Icon, why!?!

John: *Just has an aghast face on*

Rose: *Frowns something fierce*

Terramachy: Make it stop!

Liberty Prime: POINTLESS DESCRIPTIONS OF ATTIRE ARE CAUSING THIS UNIT PHYSICAL PAIN!

Lone Wanderer: By the Icon...

Venus: I'm never wearing clothes again...

Dornan: It never stops, I want it to stop but it never stops!

Tombstone: *Buries face in hands*

O'chunks: Stopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopit!

Black Hand Grunt #1: I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

Xaraghoul: Oh please strike me down lord Khorne! That my suffering may end!

When I came out...

North Star: Here comes the pointless dramatic pause.

Dornan: Oh come on! It's not that exciting!

Chaos Space Marine: Who taught this vile wretch English and where can I kill her!?

Lord Varitus: Let me guess, it was Dumbledore?

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom,

The Ant: There's our twilight esque stalking!

John: Eww, perv!

Jade: Oh groooossss!

Dave: That just ain't right...

Rose: Has this girl ever even been in love?

Rose: Because this is not how it works.

Rose: *Looks over at John*

Rose: Right, John?

John: Ermmm...*Sheepishly* yeah...

and he started to sing "I just wanna live" by Good Charlotte.

O'chunks: Are my ears bleedin'? Cause I think they're bleedin'!

Orlok: Hilariously off key at that considering that Draco doesn't care for muggle music.

Ryujin: It's not even a good song...

Imasura: Ryujin, dearest, you're ascribing logic to someone who has none.

Ryujin: My mistake.

Vrakmul: *Squints*

Carol: My ears aren't bleeding, but my eyes sure are!

I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there.

Tombstone: Remember kids, if he's stalking you, it's true love!

Der Kommandant: Kick him out mein gott, he was following you to the girl's bathroom!

Jade: Oh! My! Gosh! This! Is! Not! How! Love! WORKS!!!

Dave: Babe, I'm p sure she don't know fuck all 'bout anything.

We hugged and kissed.

John: Nooooo! Not another bad sex scene!

Rose: Oh please save us from the horror.

Dornan: My mind can't handle another one!

Ryujin: Please, please don't show us how much of a virgin you are.

Hercules: Strike her down now father!

Der Kommandant: Nein! Neinneinneinneinnein! No more! NO MORE! NOT UNTIL YOU KNOW HOW TO TOUCH A MAN!

After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

Der Kommandant: *Leaps for joy* THERE IS A GOD!

Dornan: Thank you! Thank you Jesus!

The Ant: I'll promise to repay you Odin!

Hercules: PRAISE OLYMPUS!

AN: shjt up prepz ok!

John: *Blinks*

John: *Removes glasses*

John: *wipes off glasses*

John: *puts glasses back on and blinks before squinting.*

John: Huh?

Rose: My words exactly.

Imasura: I am curious as to what form of language that is.

Ryujin: Martian obviously.

Ryujin: Because it sure ain't English.

Phrygus: Ouch dog! Better put some ice on those sick burns!

*Phrygus and Ryujin fist bump*

PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

Emerald Soviet: Liar!

Hercules: Show me where you got your last good reviews! I demand proof!

Liberty Prime: LIKELIHOOD OF TROLLS BEING RESPONSIBLE...100%!

Lone Wanderer: According to my calculations, the last five positive reviews likely came from her Mother, Raven, and three people with the username EbonyDraco4eva, Taraissokewl, and Blck666goffs

Script

Posted by Sideslash

@Vrakmul said:

Venus: I'm never wearing clothes again...

I approve

Imasura: I am curious as to what form of language that is.

Ryujin: Martian obviously.

Ryujin: Because it sure ain't English.

Phrygus: Ouch dog! Better put some ice on those sick burns!

*Phrygus and Ryujin fist bump*

ROFL. Yes.

Posted by Lord_Johnathan
@Sideslash said:

@Vrakmul said:

Venus: I'm never wearing clothes again...

I approve

Imasura: I am curious as to what form of language that is.

Ryujin: Martian obviously.

Ryujin: Because it sure ain't English.

Phrygus: Ouch dog! Better put some ice on those sick burns!

*Phrygus and Ryujin fist bump*

ROFL. Yes.

I'll start work on the next chapter now.   
 
Here we go... 
 
...Oh god...oh god!   
 
OH GOD!!!!
Posted by Sideslash

@Lord_Johnathan: It burneth thine eyes?

Art thou crying rivers of blood?

Doth thee wish the pain would end?

Posted by Lord_Johnathan
@Sideslash said:

@Lord_Johnathan: It burneth thine eyes?

Art thou crying rivers of blood?

Doth thee wish the pain would end?

It's the chapter where...Harry's character gets mutilated harder than a corpse being scavenged by Hyenas.
 
Help me...
Posted by Sideslash

@Lord_Johnathan: That chapter was BAD.

Nay, you're on your own.

Posted by Lord_Johnathan
@Sideslash said:

@Lord_Johnathan: That chapter was BAD.

Nay, you're on your own.

Should I do this first?  Or help my hubbie with his fanfics?  Or play some city of heroes in it's last few days?
Posted by Sideslash

@Lord_Johnathan:Shrugs. Whatever you feel like doing.

Posted by Lord_Johnathan
@Sideslash said:

@Lord_Johnathan:Shrugs. Whatever you feel like doing.

I'm going to go play CoH, I feel a bit creatively drained at the moment.
Posted by Sideslash

@Lord_Johnathan: And bleeding from the eye sockets?

Posted by The Red Sun

SCRIPT (Fans of Harry Potter as a character may wish to look away)

 The next day I woke up in my coffin.
 
John: Which they threw out because whatever drugs they were snorting earlier wore off. 
 
The Ant: Into the crocodile pit. 
 
Carol: Made of Lava.   
 
Jade: On Mars.   
 
I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. 
 
*Beat* 
 
Everyone: WE DON'T CARE!!!!! 
 
I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. 
 
Kamal: Bah!  Remind me to eradicate all "goffs" when we take over the Earth. 
 
Nufai: Duly noted sir.   
 
Dave: Never said anythin' 'bout her taking out the last ear rings so that's what...twelve? 
 
Der Kommandant: And then her ears sagged and tore off. 
 
Dornan: And there was much rejoicing. 
 
I spray-painted my hair with purple. 
 
Imasura: I believe that using house spray paint for your hair is a horrible idea. 
 
Ryujin: It never comes off dear. 
 
Imasura: In that case I shall call her purple from now on.  
 
Tombstone:  Considering what she wants us to call her, that's probably the best option. 
 
Emerald Soviet: What do you mean "probably?"   
 
In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal  
 
Hercules: PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! 
 
Thor: Doth this girl pull our legs? 
 
The Ant:  I'm not even sure that you can even buy Count Chocula in Britain.   
 
Tombstone:  You're expecting Tara to have done any research?   
 
The Ant: *Scratches chin*  Huh...good point... 
 
Jade: *Praying* Please be a troll, please be a troll, please be a troll.   
 
with blood instead of milk, 
 
John: Wow...and no one else seems to notice? 
 
Lork'ri: Where did she even acquire this blood? 
 
Black Hand Grunt #2:  How dare you bring sense and point out the plot holes! 
 
Chaos Space Marine #3:  Nurgle's putrid nipples, is there even a plot to put holes in?   
 
Inertron: Well, if there were a plot, the holes would be big enough to drive the tarrasque through rodeo style.   
 
Terramachy:  Just the Tarrasque? 
 
and a glass of red blood. 
 
Phrygus:  Man that shits gonna take forever to clean.   
 
Dave: And its gonna stink up the whole dang crib.   
 
Rose: I find it amusing that she has to point out that it's red.    
 
John:  The viewers aren't morons, but the writer sure is!   
 
The Ant: Zing! 
 
Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. 
 
O'chunks: And then a feeding frenzy started. 
 
Rahn: The Land Sharks will arrive in five minutes.    
 
Xaraghoul:  Enjoy washing your insipid outfits for the rest of time.   
 
Thor: And why would she need to engage in such drudgery?   
 
Xaraghoul:  Have you ever gotten blood in fabric?  It never comes off.   
 
Thor:  Thine point holds true.    
 
Jade: Ewww. 
 
"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. 
 
Carol (Ebony): Do you have any idea how long it took me to describe this! 
 
Hercules (Ebony):  Do you know how badly this blood contrasts with my boobs? 
 
Vorgon (Ebony):  No one spills blood on the terrifying EBONY! 
 
John: Is there anything she doesn't do angrily? 
 
Rose: John, dear, don't encourage her to abuse other adverbs. 
 
John: *Faintly blushes at the usage of "dear"*  Okay... 
 
I regretted saying it when I looked up 
 
Xaraghoul:  By the Dark Gods... 
 
Emerald Soviet: Oh no, she's going to start with another description! 
 
Dave: Kill me now. 
 
Vorzhilok:  Please...no more.... 
 
Jade:  *Just has an aghast face on* 
 
Vrakmul:  *Buries face in hands*    
 
Kamal:  NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! 
 
cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy  
 
Hercules: *Facepalms* 
 
Hercules: SINCE WHEN WERE GOTHS ANYTHING BUT PALE WHITE!?! 
 
Venus:  Oh dear Jesus here comes another train wreck.    
 
Ryujin:  Urge...to kill...rising...  
 
Kargoth: *Headchairback* 
 
with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. 
 
The ant:  That's not a goth!   That's a member of the insane clown posse! 
 
Vrakmul: *mimics Jackie Chan's what the fuck did I just read face* 
 
Thor:  I...find this style of dress most distasteful.   
 
John:  Okaaayyyy.... 
 
Rose: So he's an Albino clown, that explains a lot.   
 
He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face 
 
Jade: Wait...you were going down HIS face? 
 
Dave: Chica holds the record for sleddin' down Mt.Goth.   
 
and he was wearing black lipstick 
 
Carol: Like Joel Madden 
 
Der Kommandant: Or Gerard Way.   
 
He didn't have glasses anymore 
 
John: No...no... 
 
The Ant: Oh hell, they got to him.    
 
Rose:  Good heavens no... 
 
Tombstone:  Awww nuts.    
 
Ryujin:  She wouldn't dare. 
 
Imasura:  Please no.   
 
and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's 
 
The Ant:  Did they have a clearance sale on red contacts at the costume department?   
 
Tombstone:  Does every damn male in this story look the same?   
 
Jade:  Except for how they dress. 
 
Dave: Babe, with all the sleepin' 'round this girl does, how she dresses doesn't mean shit.   
 
The Ant:  Trufax. 
 
 and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. 
 
Carol: But the scar on his forEhead was still there.   
 
Dornan:  Thank goodness.    
 
Thor:  Who is this? 
 
Hercules:  You'll see.   
 
Venus: And regret ever having eyes.   
 
He had a manly stubble on his chin.  
 
John: Stubbles can be not manly? 
 
Rose: In the context of this story?  They most certainly can be unmanly.    
 
Dave:  This story is like the EPITOME of unmanliness.   
 
Jade:  I feel more girly by just reading it! 
 
He had a sexy English accent.  
 
 *Beat* 
 
Everyone:  HE'S ENGLISH ALREADY! 
 
He looked exactly like Joel Madden.  
 
Kargoth:  So does he also look like that one guy who looked exactly like Joel Madden or that other guy who looked exactly like Joel Madden? 
 
Hercules:  Cool story bro.   
 
Thor:  I am rapidly losing my ability to care.   
 
Tombstone: Join the club.   
 
Rose:  It is quite an extensive club, comprised of those who have lost their ability to give a fuck.    
 
Jade:  I can't even give a FLYING fuck!   
 
He was so sexy that my body went all hot  
 
Carol: And then burst into flames.   
 
when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. 
 
*Beat* 
 
Everyone: WHAT!?!   
 
*Beat*   
 
Everyone:  *Starts to snicker, crack up, then laugh raucously*   
 
*Ten minutes later*   
 
"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.  
 
Emerald Soviet:  Because the woman in front of him terrified him utterly.   
 
Carol (Ebony):  HAVE SEX WITH ME OR I WILL CUT YOU BITCH! 
 
Venus (Harry):  I'm only dressing like this because she threatened to shoot me if I didn't.   
 
Vrakmul:  *Shakes head in disgust*   
 
Hercules: *Gets out a trumpet and plays taps*  
 
Phrygus:  Yo, herc, whatre you all up an doin' that for?   
 
Hercules:  It's a memorial service. 
 
Phrygus:  Who for dog? 
 
Hercules:  Harry's character.    
 
"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned. 
 
Cthulhu (Harry):  Nyarlathotep. 
 
Emerald Soviet (Harry):  Guybrush Threepwood.   
 
Carol (Harry):  Gamzee Makara.   
 
Venus (Harry):  Bjorn Bjornson.   
 
Jade (Harry):  Joe Dinkleburg.   
 
Rose (Harry):  Hilary Duff.   
 
"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.  
 
Hercules:  Oh it's too painful to watch! 
 
Dave:  Moment of silence please... 
 
John:  No, not you too! 
  
The Ant:  You bastards!  You blew it all up!  Damn you!  Damn you all to hell!   
 
Carol:  This goes from Canon defilement straight to canon rape.   
 
"Why?" I exclaimed.  
 
Der Kommandant: *Facepalm*  You don't say "exclaimed" for a question you idiot! 
 
Jade:  Calm thine Nazi tits. 
 
Der Kommandant:  No!  My Aryan breasts refuse to be calm! 
 
Rose:  I wonder what explanation we will receive?   
 
Thor:  I am sure it will be somewhat reaso- 
 
"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.  
 
Thor:  Fuck me.    
 
Carol:  DIBS! 
 
Thor:  No.   
 
Carol:  Awww. 
 

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered. 

 
Rose:  Because now the whole world could see he was a poser.   
 
Ormag:  Why would he whimper?   
 
Venus:  Again, asking for sense to be made where there is none to be found.    
 
Imasura:  I am feeling less and less intelligent by reading this.   
 
"Yeah." I roared. 
 
The Tarrasque:  *Let's loose a Jurassic Park style T-rex roar*   
 
John: RAAAAARRRRR!!! 
 
Dave: Chica, indoor voices gal!  Indoor voices.   
 
We sat down to talk for a while. 
 
Thor:  At least we shalt not have to suffer through more stilted dialogue.   
 
Liberty Prime:  FOR WHICH THIS UNIT IS ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.   
 
Rose:  She seems to be unable to dedicate anything more than beige prose to anything that is not clothing.    
 
Jade:  Her clothing descriptions read like shopping lists.   
 
Carol:  Yeah, and they're even drier reads.    
 
Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me  
 
Der Kommandant:  Hopefully, a bullet to the head.  
 
Tombstone:  Realistically?  More bad sex scenes.    
 
John:  I just realized something.   
 
Hercules:  And that would be?   
 
John:  A leather bra and panties would chafe like hell.   
 
Hercules:  Tell her that! 
 
so I went away with him. 
 
Dornan:  And while no one was looking Harry ate all of her food.   
 
Emerald Soviet:  Mission accomplished! 
 
Carol:  I'd say "Bow Chicka Bow Wow"  But I won't dignify this with such a timeless sound effect.    
 
Imasura:  Let's see if she remembers which direction her house is.   
 
AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws 
 
Ryujin (God):  CEASE THINE INSIPID WRITINGS!   
 
Imasura (God):  IT IS AN ABOMINATION UNTO HEAVEN! 
 
Hercules (God): IT MAKES MINE STOMACH SICK! 
 
Thor (God): PRAYATHEE WHERE DIDST THOU LEARNETH THINE ENGLISH? 
 
Tartarus (God):  BURN IN HELL YOU ROTTEN BITCH! 
 
n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! 
 
Orlok:  Anyone here know a German Tin God for us to kill?   
 
John:  Nope, sorry.   
 
Rose:  Unfortunately not. 
 
The Ant:  Do I need a translator?    
 
STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! 
 
Emerald Soviet:  I can be charged with Arson, but not with making sense!   
 
Vladimir:  Wouldn't good moderators side with us?   
 
Viktor:  If there is any justice in the world, yes.   
 
Ormag: We can keep on mocking her trash, she never told us to "stop."   
 
Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok 
 
Tombstone:  Who's Evony?   
 
Tombstone:  Because while she isn't in the Story, Ebony is, and she's a huge Mary Sue.    
 
Carol:  What even is a "Marie Sue"  because Ebony might not be one of those.   
 
The Ant:  "Marie Sues"  are like Mary Sues only mentally retarded, so the label applies! 
 
she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! 
 
Hercules:  Except for everyone thinking she's flat out gorgeous and romancing two main characters.   
 
Dave:  Wait, didn't she just say that being satanist was all hot shit? 
 
Phrygus:  Sure, but what about satanits?   
 
Thor:  What is a Satanits? 
 
Der Kommandant:  The man boobs of the Devil.   
 
*Cue mass snorting and laughter.* 
 
n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! 
 
John:  Gee if I had her name, I'd be depressed too! 
 
Rose:  Her problems are "I'm too beautiful",  "Too many men want me", and "I'm too good at too many things."   
 
Imasura:  I have run her through a "Mary Sue litmus test"  And she's scored well into the hundreds.   
 
Dornan: *Deadpan*  What a surprise, I am so utterly and completely shocked.    
 
Carol: *Deadpan*  I never would have guessed.   
 
Der Kommandant:  *Deadpan*  This news has changed my life.   
 

Script

Posted by Sideslash

@The Red Sun:

Phrygus: Sure, but what about satanits?

Thor: What is a Satanits?

Der Kommandant: The man boobs of the Devil.

Sir, I gently LMMFAO'd

Posted by The Red Sun
@Sideslash said:

@The Red Sun:

Phrygus: Sure, but what about satanits?

Thor: What is a Satanits?

Der Kommandant: The man boobs of the Devil.

Sir, I gently LMMFAO'd

*Bows graciously*
Posted by Sideslash

@The Red Sun: *Applauds.*

Posted by The Red Sun

Next chapter, MORE POINTLESS SEX SCENES THAT ARE SO BADLY DESCRIBED THEY ACTUALLY MAKE YOU FEEL LESS AROUSED!

Posted by The_Roman

@The Red Sun said:

Next chapter, MORE POINTLESS SEX SCENES THAT ARE SO BADLY DESCRIBED THEY ACTUALLY MAKE YOU FEEL LESS AROUSED!

No! It BURNS! It's worse than the time I fell into Vulcan's forge whilst he was forging a sword!

It's worse than falling into the river Styx!

KILL ME!

Posted by Lord_Johnathan

Okay, here we go, gonna start on that next chapter...Hoo boy this one sucks...

Posted by Dark_Fang

@Lord_Johnathan:Already hurting.

Posted by Lord_Johnathan
@Dark_Fang said:

@Lord_Johnathan:Already hurting.

Might delay it for tomorrow considering I have work afterwards.  Might still go ahead with it.
Posted by Dark_Fang

@Lord_Johnathan: *Feels the burning of approaching character mutilation.*

Posted by Guardian_of_Gravity

Aaaand back....lets hope the laziness doesn't hit me.

Posted by Sideslash

@Guardian_of_Gravity: This grammar makes me go.

Posted by Count Bleck

I should probably stop being lazy and get to working on that new chapter.

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