Veshark's forum posts

#1 Edited by Veshark (9058 posts) - - Show Bio

@danial79

Yikes. Alright, I'll take your input and start culling those ellipses. It's not really a form of punctuation I've noticed much, but I'll run through this first chapter and try to limit its usage. Regarding those select sentences:

  • Ah alright, good catch here. I'll edit it.
  • I don't know, I feel like both are trailing-off sentences. Maybe I just didn't quite achieve the effect intended. The first one is supposed to be left ominously lingering in the air. While the second line's more of a semi-comedic variation of 'Arson, Murder, Jaywalking'. Basically it's meant to come across as "Moon Knight is the soldier of vengeance! Avatar of moon-god! Oh and the guy who was in the WCA that one time..."
  • Yeah, I think the second version of the sentence you came up with sounds a lot better. I'll change it.
  • Mm, sounds much better now. I'll keep your pointers on semi-colons in mind for future use.

Do you have any more technical foibles I should look out for when writing the next chapter? I have to admit that my writing style's a little different than usual on this one. My milieu is writing military science-fiction, which is mostly just technical jargon and long, gritty descriptions. For Moon Knight, I wanted to simulate the dynamism of a comic-book, so I tried to make every paragraph as 'snappy' as possible. Fill each sentence with texture while keeping exposition to a minimum in order to maintain reader-attention. Basically.

Do you have any thoughts to share on the story's content itself? Seeing as how you've read most, if not all, MK issues, you're probably the best person to ask. I was reading the old Marc Spector issues, and the thought occurred to me that many MK volumes are weak simply because they always write the character as just another street-level vigilante. The aim with this fic was to try and focus on the three aspects that I feel separates MK from his competitors: religion, disassociative identity disorder, and 'weird' crime ala Moench or Ellis.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to not just read, but help improve this chapter, Danial. I really do appreciate it. ;)

#2 Posted by Veshark (9058 posts) - - Show Bio

@danial79 Hey Danial, thanks for the constructive feedback. Regarding the technical problems: did you feel that I used too many ellipses or was it that I used them incorrectly? Could you maybe point to a specific sentence so I'll know what you mean? On ampersands: I found two uses in the story, which I'll edit out now. The one exception being the term 'A&B' (assault and battery), which, well I kinda have to use the ampersand there.

#3 Posted by Veshark (9058 posts) - - Show Bio

Despite my love for MK, I could see a solid case being made for both sides here. Superior firepower via the Canary Cry, and arguably greater showings of MA skills goes to Dinah. But Moon Knight brings greater durability thanks to the armor, as well as a higher degree of versatility with his gear (though I'm uncertain if the 'current gear' ruling negates his past standard gear like say...adamantium darts). My lack of informed knowledge on Canary (haven't got around to reading Simone's BoP) is the only thing preventing me from casting a vote, so I'll wait and listen to what the songbird's supporters have to say.

Though if we're comparing Moony's current Shavley-designed look to Dinah's New-52 costume, I think we know who's taking that one...

#4 Posted by Veshark (9058 posts) - - Show Bio

@lvenger said:

Although Romita Jr's art is much better than I expected, it's still a far cry from his Spider-Man, Daredevil and Thor days of artwork. Nonetheless, the most important thing about a comic book is the story and like Tony, I haven't warmed up entirely to the New 52 Superman yet. Even when written well, he seems a little edgy, off and not entirely acting like Superman should do. Warm, friendly, compassionate and other traits are missing from this version of Superman for the most part. But Johns has written some very good Superman stories in the past and has revitalised characters like Aquaman already so maybe he can do the same for Superman.

Truer words were never spoken.

#6 Posted by Veshark (9058 posts) - - Show Bio

@jonny_anonymous I was waiting to see if anyone caught the little 'sure sure' I threw in. Thanks for the kind words, mate!

@hit_monkey Glad you enjoyed it, buddy. Yeah, one of the things I wanted to try was to flesh Khonshu out. The Khonshu of the pre-2000s was barely a character, while the 2006 volume kinda portrayed him as being too vicious, which felt contradictory to past versions. Luckily Ellis has kinda tied them all up. But yeah, I'm basically trying a different premise for the moon-god here, and we'll see how it goes.

@cyberwarrior You can thank Moon Knight Month for my resurgent interest haha. I've been re-reading a lot of MK as of late, which got me into the mood for this. Be sure to let me know what you think when you've finished!

@spideysense44 said:

Bless this thread *throws holy water*

*moonwalks through the puddle of holy water*

HAIL KHONSHU!

#7 Posted by Veshark (9058 posts) - - Show Bio

@danial79 @k4tzm4n @cyberwarrior @hit_monkey @jonny_anonymous

Would you fellow Moonies (yes, that's what we should call ourselves) be generous enough to spare some time and read my fic?

I know it's pretty long, but I'd definitely appreciate some feedback from fans of the character, since you guys are the ones who'll probably 'get it' best.

#8 Posted by Veshark (9058 posts) - - Show Bio

I would've liked to see the Midnight battle included. The arc on a whole was uneven in its storytelling, but that clock hand down the throat? Adrenaline-pumping stuff indeed.

But great choices all around. A few selections that I wouldn't exactly consider noteworthy personally (Taskmaster, Punisher), but beyond that, solid list overall.

#9 Posted by Veshark (9058 posts) - - Show Bio

@veshark said:

@juiceboks Unless something's changed in Gillen's run, I'm pretty sure Tony doesn't have Extremis anymore...didn't he start using the whole chest node thing with the BE armor? I can't think of another occasion where Tony's armor saved him from mind-control, personally. Maybe Mandarin?

My bad I glanced at the picture and thought it was Extremis for a second. He might have done that I can't recall at the moment. And I just looked through some old scans and found that his suit protected him from Baron Zemo's mind control..and Zemo had virtually the whole world under his control.

Oh, what issue was that from? Scans?

#10 Posted by Veshark (9058 posts) - - Show Bio

@juiceboks Unless something's changed in Gillen's run, I'm pretty sure Tony doesn't have Extremis anymore...didn't he start using the whole chest node thing with the BE armor? I can't think of another occasion where Tony's armor saved him from mind-control, personally. Maybe Mandarin?