Thats not... No! Thats not a fuckin' birthday shame on you for applauding that. Thats not a birthday. People are like "Wuhdya do for your thirty seventh birthday?" Nothing! Thats not special, there are only about 20 birthdays that you should be allowed to celebrate, the others, you wasting cake and paper, your WASTING CAKE and... Did you not see the Al Gore movie? We need to conserve cake and paper. We are running out.
Here are the twenty you can... celebrate. These are the ones you get to have a party.
Okay, one through nine, you get a birthday, 'cause, you're a little kid! A little kid gets a birthday.
Ten, you get a birthday, 'cause now you're in the double digits; somethings different, allright?
Eleven and twelve, no birthday. Thats not special, "I'm twelve!" great go to school, who gives a shit. I'm not wrapping something up for twelve.
Thirteen, you get a birthday, 'cause now you're a teenager, somethings different now.
Fourteen fifteen no birthday. No birthday. I can make a learners permit, who gives a shit. Don't care.
Sixteen, you get a birthday. Now you can drive. The laws have changed.
Seventeen, no birthday.
Eighteen. Awesome birthday. 'Cause you can buy a gun and you can vote. In fact, you should celebrate that one by shooting a hole through a ballot. Thats how you should... You should just BANG. "Yeah! prop 31!"
Nineteen, you get a birthday, becuase, its your last year as a teenager. Thats kind of wistful, yes! 41 year old guys don't want to fuck you anymore ladies! Its all down hill. Marry a guy with a yacht.
When you are twenty, you get a birthday. Any time you enter a new set of tens, twenty, thirty, fourty, fifty, you get a birthday.
Twenty one, you get an awesome birthday, and then thats it! A birthday every ten years."I'm 26, great, go to work, who gives a shit. Shut the fuck up. Fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty, until you hit ninety.
If you can make it to ninety, starting at ninety, every year, one law no longer applies to you. Thats your incentive to take care of yourself. Now, it starts of small. When you turn ninety, you can legally litter. You can just crumble up a cheeseburger, drop it in front of a cop. "hey, guess what today is....? Give me a kiss."
When you turn ninety five, you can legally steal anything! You can't load it into a car or truck. Anything you can pic up with your bare hands and get back into your house is your property. And If you own something and a ninety five year old can get it away from you, it really didn't belong to you did it? Nope, never did. That goes for your kids too. "hey, where's your four year old?" "Some ninety five year old ran into his house." " Well let that guy raise him. Hes full of wisdom and he's spry.
Then, If you can make it to a hundred, you can legally commit murder. You can murder anyone. You can not shoot them, stab them or poison them. Anyone you can strangle, or pummel to death with your bare hands, no jury can convict you. Thats how we weed out the weak people. If you can't stop a hundred year old from stangling you, FUCK YOU! You should be dead. You should be fuckin' dead. Honestly, would anyone, would any of you get up and run out side if you heard, "Help me, a one hundred year old woman is punching me to death. You be like, "Fuck that guy, good. The species just got stronger."
Then from a hundred to one nineteen, nineteen years of legal murder. Pummel, strangle, anyone you want, until you make it to one hundred and twenty.
If you can make it to a hundred and twenty, guess what? YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT! We swear you in, and no matter what comes out of your senile fucking skull IS THE LAW!
And honestly, if there where a hundred twenty year old in the White House just sitting in a wading pool of his own poop with a pirate hat on, who going "Starting today, everybody has to put four cans of ravioli in their pants." Would things be any worse than they are now? Would they be ANY FUCKING WORSE? If that guy was just "Rngh.... Starting today, everybody has to marry a pelican!" You heard the president son, atleast your not in the desert dying on a fuckin' lie. God bless our president. Give your new mom a fish and lets go to the White House and, give thanks.
You can check me out on sites I actually contribute to though:
Screened
Giant Bomb
Tested
Anime Vice
Game Bomb
Formspring
Gary Twitta (Twitter)
(I like to keep this handy, for close encounters <img src="imageURLhere">)
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