By TheCheeseStabber 95 Comments
Were getting Murried :]
Were getting Murried :]
Title: The Far Away
(Name of ComicViner) was a very wealthy (Sex M/F/T/Unknwn).
(Same Name) would often (Verb) around the country (Noun) .
One day (Same Name) stubbed their big (Part of The Body) on a large heavy (Noun).
This angered (Same name) so much that they (Verb Ending in -ED) a/n (animal) in the (Body Part).
The (Same Animal) turned around quickly and smited the (Same Name) with a heavy bolt of (Noun).
This made (Same Name) fly off into The Far Away Place.
The Far Away Place was in the middle of (Place).
(Same Name) Crashed hard into a pile of (Noun.)
Surprisingly this did not break (Same Name)'s (Type of Bone).
(Same Name) lost all of (Sex) memory and decided to go search it out.
And so began the Most (Adjective) Journey The (Noun) Has Ever Known.
LOCKED OUT OF HEAVEN
A ten-minute play
Draft #: 10
Rock Point School
ST.PETER Older Man, Beard Suit. Conservative look
HOWARD Liberal look. Middle Aged, Pajamas
GOD Old Man, Hawaiian Shirt, Suit Case, Sun Glasses
AZREAL Female Angel of Death, twenties, jeans, t shirt, bit grimy
AT RISE: An older man running into a cloudy area. There’s a giant set of pearly gates and a small empty desk in front of them with a sign reading “On Lunch Break be back in 10 minutes”
Crap, I’m late for work, well maybe they haven’t caught him yet.
(ST.PETER wanders over to the desk, and removes the sign, and pulls out some keys as he wanders over to the gates, when suddenly a voice calls out to him off stage)
Oh My God. WHERE AM I!?!?!?!!!!
(ST.PETER Jumps and drops the keys, his face is a look of sheer terror)
(HOWARD wanders in and runs over to ST.PETER who is just standing in the same place looking down, his face a mixture of horror and fear)
Hey, do you know where we are? I mean, last thing I remember is charging into my son’s closet, and then being eaten by some creature that looked suspiciously like a Kardashian…
YOU IDIOT! LOOK WHAT YOU JUST MADE ME DO!
What are you talking about? I just asked you a question and you started freaking out! I don’t even know who you are or where we are!
(A bit calmer)
My name, Sir, is Saint Peter. I am the Guard of Heaven’s gate, and you just made me drop the keys to the gates!!!
Wait, I’m dead? I can’t be dead!
Sir, you need to settle down. Now what is you’re name and occupation. A locksmith I hope?
It’s Howard, Howard Malevich. I just tried to save my son from the monster in his closet, and no I’m not a locksmith, I’m a Liberal Arts Professor.
(Walks over to his desk and examines a book.)
Ah Yes, Mr. Malevich. died at 8:35 pm after being eaten by a large monster living in his sons closet. Not a Kardashian, after all, though you were not that far off. How are you then? I hope your death was most pleasant. By the way do you know any locksmiths who are soon to perish?
I was chewed up and spit out. So no, it was not pleasant, it was repulsive! Where is my wife?!
(Checks his book)
Hmmmm.... Lets see Martha Malevich, died about two minutes after you did and was sent to…Oh I’m terribly sorry Mr. Malevich your wife was sent to The Field of Screams in Hell. Your son survived.
So I’m all alone!
(HOWARD cries into his hands and falls to his knees)
(ST.PETER walks over to HOWARD and pats his pack)
There there, Mr. Malevich the Field of Screams isn’t that bad. It’s actually quite nice compared to the other parts of Hell. It’s the “Richer” side of hell as I have heard you humans are fond of saying. They even have a 24-hour Lava pool and Room Avarice.
Room Avarice? You mean room service right? They bring you food and clothing there?
No I meant avarice; it’s when they send in a group of demons to steal any worldly value you have left. I heard it’s quite transcendental afterwards, after all when you loose everything you must be closer to nature.
Even if that nature is full of brimstone and fire?
Now you’re in the spirit .
(Pulls HOWARD up and smacks him on the back)
Now do you know any good locksmiths or not?
I don’t know any locksmith sorry. Look the gates probably just need a little elbow grease. I was hockey player in college you know. No one, and I mean no one, kept those benches warmer than me.
(HOWARD walks towards the gates)
I would not suggest doing that Mr. Malevich; we just got our new security sys-
(HOWARD ignores ST.PETER and gives the gates a hard tug. He is then heavily electrocuted. HOWARD shakes and spits, zapping noise in the background. HOWARD then falls down in front of the gates)
Well that wasn’t a very smart move.
Oww…why do you even have a security system, its Heaven…
We got a new security system when God escaped under the identity of a “ Mr. Kurt Kobain” escaped Heaven. He was so bored he climbed over the gates of Heaven to get out. It took years before we finally caught him. He was posing as a grunge singer in Seattle.
(HOWARD stares at ST.PETER quizzically)
Yes, God has gotten a bit senile in the past few millenniums, and has been known to run away to earth a few times and pose as one of you humans. Creating the Big Bang can do that to you I suppose.
Why don’t we just call God and ask him to open the gates?
God’s gone on another one of his escape routes. He got caught posing as a history teacher in Burlington, Vermont. We sent out a couple Sentrys to get him.
Okay then….Hey how come I’m the only one up here? People die all the time?
We cleaned out all those Occupy protesters months ago. They ended up leaving trash everywhere. They couldn’t seem to realize that only 1% of the population goes to Heaven. Then again they also didn’t seem to realize that you can’t get cell service up here. But let me tell you that didn’t stop them from trying to order their pizza, they tried everything: carrier pigeons, messages in bottles, they even tried to give a note to that Sky Diver who jumped from space.
How’d that work out?
Horribly. Upon seeing all of us angels, he freaked out and landed on top of Jesus’ hut. We scared The Sky Diver so much the poor guy so much he just rejumped through the clouds.
Alright God’s going to be back soon we need to do something drastic.
(ST.PETER opens his desk and starts rummaging through it)
(Pulls out a handful of lightening bolts)
We need to kill a locksmith.
You’re kidding me right?
(Stands up from his desk and wanders over to a cloud, HOWARD follows.) Nope.
(HOWARD looks over ST.PETERs shoulder as he pushes the clouds aside and throws the lightening bolt into a hole.)
Shoot I missed him!
Let me try!
(HOWARD grabs a lightening Bolt and chucks it into the hole)
(Glaring at a blushing HOWARD)
Great Job, Mr. Malevich you just killed the dinosaurs.
Wait how can I have killed the dinosaurs they existed billons of years ago?
Isn’t it obvious, Howard? Time does not matter in heaven; we never age past when we want to and we can travel to any time we can think of, such as Jurassic period.
So you choose to be an old man?
Shut up and throw.
(ST.PETER and HOWARD continue to throw lightening bolts into the hole.)
Okay let’s see who we’ve killed, the dinosaurs, Socrates, Billy The Kid, Manfred Mann, Stalin, Andy Warhol and Hitler.
Won’t God get angry that we killed off all these famous historical figures? Well maybe he’ll let us get away with killing Hitler, but not Socrates. Were in deep trouble!
Save your angry liberal rants for someone who cares. God’s gone off the deep end, keeps talking about colonizing Mars and pulling pranks on the North Koreans. He’s too busy telling North Koreans about unicorns to care about humans.
But…but…who runs heaven then? And we didn’t even kill a locksmith.
Us angels do of course. It’s beautiful really, full of metal skyscrapers and beautiful women. It rains money and the stocks are always high. Wall Street is a pathetic attempt to emulate heaven.
HOWARD (Brief Pause)
That sounds awful.
Well for your information, having a Capitalist Heaven is better then having a socialist hell.
Hey who’s that over there?
Hello, Miss. I am St. Peter and this is my associate Howard, hey you look familiar have you died before?
(ST.PETER falls to his knees and looks up at the woman)
Oh my God! I’m so sorry! I didn’t know it was you! Please don’t send me to the lake of boiling pudding again!
Save it Pete, I wanna know which one of you idiots keeps killing life on earth. You know how many dinosaur souls I just had to deal with?!
Ummm so who are you exactly?
You mere mortal question who I am?! I am Azreal, angel of death and destruction and you idiots have increased my workload more in the last two minutes than the bubonic plague did a few centuries ago.
I’m so sorry!
(Crawls over and kisses her feet)
Get off the ground Peter you’re groveling worse then Michael did after he wasn’t invited to Cthululus party.
Yes your majesty.
(He gets up and stands near Howard, while AZRAEL crosses her arms)
So let me get this straight, you’re not a locksmith?
No, I’m not a locksmith. I’m an angel. Why do you even need a locksmith any way?
Dummy here, lost the keys to Heaven.
(Raises an eyebrow)
You’re kidding me?
Lets not place blame here we need to figure out what to do before God gets back from vacation and so I can finally start mine.
Where do you guys go on vacation? I mean you’re in Heaven, isn’t it supposed to be Paradise?
Sure it’s paradise, if you like being stuck in a suit 24/7 and arguing with a bunch of pompous billionaires, it is.
Don’t listen to her. It is Paradise though sometimes it gets boring so we go visit the other realms and pantheons. I am going to Mount Olympus where I will be proposing to my girlfriend Aphrodite.
They’re so much alike, snobby upper-class deities who believe they’re better then everyone else.
Okay that’s quite enough now lets try to figure out how to open these gates, any ideas?
Wait a second, you guys are angels right? Can’t you just use your wings and fly over the gates and open them from the inside?
(AZRAEL and ST.PETER give HOWARD a look of confused pity)
AZRAEL: (To St. PETER)
I think he’s going mad.
Quite mad, that’s to be expected though. He watched his wife get eaten by the Monster a little while ago.
What are you guys talking about?
(Slowly) You think we have wings.
Well that’s what they teach us in church, that you all have wings and harps and trumpets galore. They say sometimes God’s going to dump bowls of wrath upon us and were all going to be marked whether to be saved or not.
You humans have very wild imaginations.
Of course they do Petey, without it they’d just a boring as you!
Oh no, God’s back!
You’re going to get it now.
Finally I can get on with my after life!
(GOD enters, smiling)
Hello, my friends. How are you all, and who is our guest? Why hasn’t he entered Heaven yet?
(Wanders over to HOWARD and puts his hand out to shake)
Hello young creation my names G-
(Gets cut off by St. PETER hurriedly)
Ummm Err Uhhh…
(Speedily trying to distract GOD)
Sir I wouldn’t recommend touching him, he died from that Head exploding virus you created last week.
Nonsense Peter, I’m God, I’d never do such a thing to a young squirrel like him.
Oh Hello Mr. Uh God, Sir, Lord, Father Ummm…I’m a human not a squirrel, my names Howard, and my head didn’t explode. I was eaten, and now I’m stuck up here cause we lost the keys to the gates.
You sure you’re not a squirrel? You two species look a lot alike.
Yes sir, I’m very sure. Now about the gates…?
NOOOOOO! You’ve ruined me Howard you Liberalist scum! Now God’s going to fire me and it’s all your fault!
(St. Peter attacks Howard and is held off by Gods cane)
Hush up Mr. Peter, you’re not fired.
(God laughs a tremendous booming laughing)
Ummm your greatness God sir, what is so funny?
(Pats Howard on the back, roughly almost knocking him over)
You poor man you’ve been stuck up here with Peter an eternity and the answer was right in front of you the whole time.
(God motions to the a cloud sitting in front of Heaven’s gates)
Howard, be a Good creation and go pick up that cloud for me.
Okay, I mean Yes Sir!
(Howard wanders over to the cloud and lifts it up. Underneath is a spare key to Heavens gates. The Cloud is a fake. Howard holds up the key to show everyone and wanders back to the group in front of St. Peters desk)
Is this the Spare-Key to Heaven?
Well of course it is boy; you don’t think I would have just one key do you!
(God laughs again and smacks Howard on the back)
(Embarrassed and Angry)
Why didn’t you tell me about the spare key?!!
Don’t you take that tone with me, Peter! I am your creator, I brought you into this life and I can take you out! And besides I’m getting on in age and I forget things…In fact, I’m actually retiring soon and I’m going to need someone to take my place.
God you mean it, you really want me to be The New God?!
No, Mr. Peter, someone needs to man the gates of Heaven and you do a fine job at it.
Look God I don’t mean to be rude but I would hate to have your job.
No not you either, I was thinking someone who is a little more human.
Please tell me you’re not going to but Gabriel in charge again, he caused all the stocks to plummet while you were out and getting that poor Mary women pregnant.
No some one else someon-
Or put Lucifer in charge again, we all know what happened then.
Let me finish! I want our very own Howard to have my job.
AZRAEL, ST.PETER, HOWARD
Ummm God, I don’t think I can be the new you, I’m just a dead man walking, I can govern over the human race.
Oh…Well then, who am I to give the job to I’ve far to old for this…Ah mine as well let Martha Stewart have it. Get her on the phone will you Pete?
God you really can’t be serious
Don’t question me Peter, you’re in enough trouble as it is. Just be happy Zeus wants first crack at you after what he caught you and Aphrodite doing!
So much for a vacation.
Now will one of you open these gates for Howard!
(St. Peter opens the gates of Heaven)
Well I’m done here, see you idiots later.
(Azrael walks off into the clouds and Howard runs into the gates happily)
(Hands God the key)
So, what now God?
Call me, Nietzsche, Friedrich Nietzsche. I’m no longer God, I think this time I’ll be a philosopher!
Whatever you say sir.
(St.Peter runs through the gates and closes them behind him, St. Peters off stage.)
Now where did I put that fake cloud?
(God accidentally trips on the fake cloud, drops the key, through the clouds.)
Oww! Wait where’s the key!
(A look of realization to what just happened, he rushes over to the gates to find they are locked.)
SON OF A-
(Black out, Bruno Mars Song “Locked out of Heaven” plays)
THE MONSTER IN THE CLOSET
A ten-minute play
Rock Point School
CHARACTERS: JIMMY, Eight years old HOWARD and MARTHA’S son.
HOWARD, 30’s, JIMMY’S father
MARTHA, 30’s , JIMMY’S mother
MONSTER IN CLOSET, Never to be seen. The closet should give off a red light from its shudders and cracks when it speaks and be able to open and close.
SCENE: Jimmy’s Room
AT RISE: It’s Jimmy’s room, its very dark and there’s a small light coming from the door on the east side, a child’s grumbling can be heard.
(HOWARD walks by and sees JIMMY hiding under the blanket and shaking, he shakes his head disapprovingly.)
You know, son, some day when you get over this fear of the dark, you’ll thank me for taking your silly night-light.
(HOWARD puts his hand in his pocket and takes out a small clown-faced night-light.)
I don’t even get why you need this thing, I think its scarier then the dark.
(He slides it back in his pocket as MARTHA approaches the door.)
Goodnight Jimmy, your father and I love you very much.
(JIMMY screams at them under the covers)
If you really loved me, you’d give me my night-light!
(HOWARD and MARTHA look at each other close the door.)
(No sound is heard for a few moments; JIMMY silently pokes his face out from the covers and looks at the closet.)
(THE CLOSET lets out a red, threatening, light, startling JIMMY under the covers again.)
MONSTER IN THE CLOSET
Yah Jimmy, don’t be a baby. I mean you have me for company and you know I’ll always be here for you. In fact, why don’t you step inside so we can talk?
(The closet doors burst open; all that can bee seen is the red light.)
(JIMMY bends over the side of the bed, grabs a toy and chucks it in the closet. The closet doors slam shut.)
Take that you…you…you big stupid poop head!!!
MONSTER IN THE CLOSET
Now, now Jimmy, it’s not nice to throw stuff at your friends, especially when those friends can pick their teeth with your bones. Hahahahahaha!
(Closet Slams open for a mere moment and we see something get thrown into Jimmy’s bed before slamming shut.)
(JIMMY slowly picks up what flew onto his bed. It’s the toy he threw, though now it has been chewed up and broken.)
MONSTER IN CLOSET
PEE YEW!!! You know what I smell Jimmy … your fear… or your closet. It smells terrible in here and it’s more than just me. You need to do laundry you little brat. I’m having friends over soon and I don’t want you dirty underwear stinking up the place!
No! It’s my closet I can do what I want with it!
(Closet flies open and a pair of dirty underwear flies out and lands on Jimmy’s head)
Ok that’s it! Mom, Dad, help me!
(Jimmy’s door bursts open with HOWARD holding a tennis racket to beat off what ever has frightened his son. MARTHA stands directly behind him.)
(They look around to see nothing there and they’re faces are instantly full of tired anger.)
(HOWARD lowers the tennis racket.)
Jimmy, it was just a nightmare.
But Dad there’s a monster in my closet!
Oh, Howard don’t be harsh on the boy it was his first night with out a night light he’s obviously gonna be scared of the dark .
Fine fine, but when I was his age I use to sleep out in the cold wilderness lying around while bears would stare at me-
Yah, yah, yah. Well, now you sleep with me and I want my foot massage. If you even want to see me in the bed tonight then get to the room and stop patronizing our son.
I’ll get the rose oil.
(He leaves the room defeated.)
Goodnight, Jimmy, I love you.
(She closes the door and leaves.)
You know if you eat me then…um…uh my parents are going to call the police and you’re going to be arrested and taken to Alcatraz or Shawshank or something.
MONSTER IN CLOSET
(No sound though Red light shines through cracks)
Jimmy Jimmy, Jimmy, you and I both know your parents wouldn’t that your closet ate you. They’ll probably just think you finally ran away, like you always threaten you will.
(Closet doors burst open revealing red light)
(Looks at the light and begins to cry as he feels himself being slowly pulled towards it off his bed, As he falls off his bed he grabs a old shoe he sees under his bed and chucks it as hard as he can into the light.)
Take that you big bully!
MONSTER IN THE CLOSET
(Closet doors slam shut)
OWWWW!!!! You little brat you just hit me in the eye! You’re lucky you have that night light on or I swear I’d go out there and kick your little as…wait a second…You don’t have your night light, do ya? OH BOY! OH BOY!
(Closet doors smash open very hard, rattling them in their frames and making a huge amount of noise. A loud sucking sound comes from the closet)
(The closet is pulling JIMMY harder and faster then before.)
Hahahahahaha!!!! Give up Jimmy! You’re gonna be my midnight snack one way or another!
Mom! Dad! Tom Cruise! Anyone! Help me please!!!!!!!!!
(Jimmy’s door suddenly bursts open. Both his parents are there, dressed in pajamas, sporting football helmets and armor. MARTHA is holding a hockey stick and HOWARD is holding a tennis racket.)
Don’t worry, Jimmy, I’m here to save you!
(Howard proceeds to put his tennis racket out like a sword and charge into
DIE FOUL BEAST!!!!!!
I’m right behind you honey!
(She charges into the closet with a hockey stick!)
Yah Mom and Dad go get him!
(Sounds of fighting are heard then a yelp and a loud squeal.)
MONSTER IN THE CLOSET
(The closet opens wide, the red light on)
Yum, yum, yum. Now that’s what I call home cooking!
Oh wait one more thing, BURP!
(The night-light that was in his father pocket shoots out of the closet into JIMMY’s hands.)
(JIMMY silently gets out of bed, winks at the audience, and plugs in his night light and goes to sleep.)
My story starts like many great stories start, except my story is far greater than theirs.
It was a Dark and stormy night...
The Maid Screamed.
"THADDEUS! WHAT IS THAT THING ON YOUR FACE!?"
"What, you don't enjoy my mustache Karen?" Asked the tall gentlemen standing in front of her, his dark blue fatigues smelling of jet fuel and sweat.
"Thad, in all honesty it looks like a dead squirrel." Replied Karen, her eyes melted his soul with a deep pool of purity in the the swamp of mystery that was his life.
Thad's hand reached up to his face and stroked the newly developed mustache, its bristle under his fingers relaxed him. He smoothed it with his fingers, each stroke calming him more then the first. In his head he imagined that the hair was purring. Yes purring and soothing him with kind words....
"Umm Ross, honey,what are you doing?"
Ross opened his eyes and put his hand down away from his mustache that he had been stroking excessively for the past thirty seconds.
"Oh ummm, nothing nothing sweetie, just having a flashback is all....So whats for dinner?"
She looked at that the man she loved; he was back for the weekend, but after this he was off to fly away in another plane. Then she would spend so many sleepless nights waiting for this man to come home and hold her.
She stepped closer to him and embraced him in a kiss, one that caught him by surprise, after all he was still thinking about dinner.
When their lips touched the mustache seemed to prickle her, it tickled at first but as the kiss grew longer and hungrier the hairs seemed to start sticking into her face. It was painful almost, she tried to break the kiss but the mustache seemed like it was connecting to her face. Worst of all Ross didn't even seem notice, until Karen began it ended, the bristles that poked out fell back into the mustache.
She looked at him in fear and disgust.
"Ross, what are you?" She managed to squeak out.
Ross looked down at the mustache, I don;'t know Karen!
Suddenly the Mustache shot out a series of long tendrils into Karens face. She screamed as pain shot through her face and the tendrils began pulling her closer to him.
"Ross! Do something!!!!!" Karen looked over at Ross, his eyes had gone black and thick tendrils were pushing up like living veins through his body. Slowly his jaw went slack and his mouth hung open and a guttural growl escaped his throat. The growl was slowly forming words, they were growling and hard to make out it sounded like her lovers voice if it was played through a broken speaker on high blast.
"I apologize, for having to do thissssssssss....Karen, is it?"
"Y-Y-Yes, what are you?" She stammered out, he mind close to breaking as she was now inches from the monstrous appeal to Thads face.
"Nothing for you to worry about, this will be over soon." The voice said in a calm warm voice that oddly filled her with comfort.
"Just relax." Then she closed her eyes and allowed the tendrils to do their work.
"The DNA I extracted from them both should be enough." The mustache said, looking up at the blue hologram of the Nick Fury floating in front of him.
"You sure you wanna use this vessel? We have a smarter man named Banner who can probably help in your mission?"
"No, I enjoy Ross, he has sense of power I enjoy using."
"Alright then, just be careful out there we can't have Operation Long Run fail now."
The mustache looked around at all he had, his first assignment almost failed spectacularly. What would his father think if he saw him almost ruin the mission. The mission needed absolute focus, patience, and thought, SHIELD was to get agents on tons of high profile leaders, scientists and other things. They could never be detected, unless they made themselves known.
He put started downloading more dopamine into their bodies, keeping them tranquil and numb. He moved walked them into the bed and had them undress before laying down. Then he gave them false memories in which they made love before retracting his tendrils into itself
They woke up three hours later, both naked in bed with each other. The memories implanted in their heads made them think that the kiss they shared lead to something more heavy. They didn't remember the mustache and what it did.
They got up and ate and went back to bed and made love once again. They didn't speak much they felt so enjoyed with each other they didn't need too. That was the last weekend they would ever have together, just the two of them. A seed was planted within Karen, by who Ross or the 'Stache, well you'll have to find out.
I have taken it upon my self as your creator to create the story we've all been waiting for, my first fanfic, it will be:
When Red Hulk was being written the writer made a joke that soon a story will be written about the Mustaches cosmic Adventures through Space. Well I'm doing It :]
For those of you who doubt my skills as a writer: I have won two awards for the Vermont Young Play Wright, the last two years my plays I wrote were chosen and performed :]
(Questions about Reading Scripts or Seeing Performances PM me please)
So The first chapter will be published with in the next 3 hours :D
The story will be a dark cosmic comedy giving a unique in sight on the life of facial hair
I haven't read his new series except for previews but I quite enjoy it.
any good books strictly about him?
Seeing as you have entered this thread you probably are wondering a few things
All these questions will be answered in good time, most likely on my Good time not your Good Time.
I will say that I am building an Army to combat the many enemies on this site. (You know who you are, you literate monsters.)
In this army you will learn the true meaning of Blood, Sweat and Tears in your Nylons. I can promise you two things a Medal and A Body Bag, whether or not these will come to use to you or not is an entirely different subject.
Our plan is to pillage the loins of many villages and empires through our mighty switchblades and nickel coated belt buckles.
Our Armor is Enchanted, Our Souls Are Pure, Swords A Flame, and Our Medication Untaken!!!!!!!!
So who is with me!?
VIVA LA STABBED
I had one Last Night while I was Caught in the rain.
I wanna know does anyone out there have half a brain?
Cause I'm The Lady You looked for.
Come with me and we'll sail away.
Use your keyboard!
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