By the referee 33 Comments
Hello my name is Brett and this is not a joke. I suffer from a case of Paranoid and Aggressive Schizophrenia. In simple terms I hear voices in my head that either make me really scared or incredible angry. Now I want it clear I never heard words like “Kill yourself” or “Worship Satan” it was more like a jumble of mixed up random incomplete sentences. My illness began back in 1989, my freshman year in college, when all the stress in my life caught up with me and I had my first mental breakdown. As I began down a spiral of insanity I honestly believed that every one else heard these words but would refuse to admit it. I began skipping classes and turned against my closest friends. Eventually after falling grades and the concern of my friends I was hospitalized and later diagnosed.
Please don’t get the idea that I am dangerous or should be locked away, for after years of group therapy and regulated prescriptions I know longer Hear voices. Well that’s not completely true. I have heard on occasion word here and there but for the most part my they’re gone. However I still have some mental problems. For the most part I suffer what could best be described as mentally one step behind everyone else. At times of stress I lack confidence, and have waves of uncontrolled emotions. But for the most part I simply can not concentrate.
Now you’re probably wondering why I am telling you what is my darkest, and most embarrassing secret and why it is on the RPG board. Well because of my illness I do not work thus I spend most of my time at home. When I discovered the Comic Vine I found a better way to spend my time other than watching my top notch collection of DVD’s. But it was not until I found the world of RPG that I truly found an outlet of my creative side. I desperately want to be part of this world and maybe some day become a productive member but unfortunately my illness hinders me from writing at times. There are days when my lack of both concentration and confidence hit me so hard all I can do is take a tranquillizer and go to sleep.
I presently have four accounts on Comic Vine, the referee, Dr_Columbo, JamesWest007, and Scary_Harry. Though them I wish to enter the world of imagination but again there are days when I simple can not type or even concentrate enough to read others posts. So I tell you all this in the hopes that if we ever meet on the battlefield you will understand if I disappear for days or hold up posting. This fact troubles me deeply though, for in my head I feel like I’m letting down other players and it simply leads to more stress. It is an endless loop that only ends with me shutting down my computer and giving up. So I ask for your understanding and patiences during these times.
So now you know the cross I bear and the life I lead. It doesn’t sound pleasant but I do live 99% of my life with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I even take Improve classes to build my confidence and between you and me I am very good at it. It just when stressed I have trouble and now a days it seems stress is everywhere. But I am a positive person and I do believe in a higher power so I know things will always get better.
One last thing before I go. If we do role play don’t expect anything great. I am not a writer nor do I ever plan to be. But I do consider myself creative and willing to learn. In the future I even hope to play Team games which right now is a pipe dream due to my fear of holding them up. But as long as there is no problem waiting between posts I’ll be OK. Well I’ve said everything I wanted to and it is now up to you. I hope you understand the awkwardness I have placed myself in by telling you my situation but it should also show my dedication to becoming a more active player. I thank you for your time and your understanding.
Sincerely The Referee (a humble citizen of Vine City)