By Squares Comments
I managed to get my hands on issues 1 to 18 of X-men Forever, a series that I was gleefully ignorant about. Sadly, I couldn't make it past issue seven of the series; however, those five issues were enough to make me completely lose respect for Chris Claremont- as a writer; I have never met the man, and I'm sure he's a lovely person, etc. And yes, I am, in fact, aware that he is commonly hailed as 'one of the greats', having taken a large part in writing for the X-men over the years; that he has tenure means just that, and nothing more -he has tenure.
I could make a big list of all the things that disgusted me about what I read of the series, but as this is supposed to be a quick review, I'll make a little list.
Nightcrawler and Rogue effectively trade...well, bodies.
I really, really wish it were that simple to explain...basically, Rogue goes all blue, gets three fingers and toes, and can teleport, while Nightcrawler looks like an average person and can't touch people. Great, now their codenames don't make sense. Wouldn't it have been easier just to make up some magical gender-switching device and unleash it on them?
- Most of the chapter names are either bad puns or too corny for words. Think I'm exaggerating? Here's some examples: 'Love--and LOSS!', 'Comes the Father' (which, I must point out, MAKES NO SENSE. WHAT comes the father? We need an adjective, or an adverb, or something!), 'A Perfect Storm----OF EVIL! (No, I don't add punctuation or capitalization to the titles, that's how it was written), 'This Kitty's got CLAW!' (Get it? Because Kitty randomly has a claw in her freaking forearm!), 'Strike-Back!' (That made no sense, yet again); it goes on, and on, and on, as if in some endless cycle of horrible, horrible puns and quips.
- The series diverges from some pre-existing storyline and doesn't bother to re-cap, explain things to the readers, or even mention WHAT SERIES it diverges from. I looked, I really did; if I missed it, and it's been there all along, someone please enlighten me. Because the whole state of affairs that we're presented with makes no god damn sense. Jean would not scream 'OH NO YOU KILLED THE MAN I LOVE' at the death of Wolverine; she may think it, but no Jean Grey I happen to be aware of would show such signs of human weakness, she'd probably deal with it in some way that made freaking sense. Did I mention Cyclops was in the room at the time? He was. Right next to her. At any rate, we're to believe that it's perfectly normal that Storm is wearing a costume that looks eerily similar to something Janet Jackson would have worn circa her music video for 'Rhythm Nation'. The whole military shoulder pads thing looks good on nobody.
- The dialogue was unspeakably cheesy. For that matter, so was the art. Oh, sure, one could argue that this series is relatively old, and cheesiness in comics used to be a staple of the genre. But that was way before this comic was made; Around the time New Mutants was first created, coincidentally also made by Claremont and also incredibly cheesy. I found myself incapable of reading anything involving the 'Lil Ro' character (you have no idea how many things about that name make me angry), it was entirely too corny for me to stomach. Let me pull up some quotes from the comic: "Watch out for the debris, it's flying like Shrapnel!", "I'm terrified of the feelings I sense inside Kitty, I've never felt passions so raw!" (that was Jean, and she was being completely sincere), "But no more "young lady", okay? I'm 'Ro". Again, it repeats ad nauseum. I would rather dump a tray of ice cubes down my shirt than read another page of this drivel!