For some time my ex-girlfriend has been stalking me, but she has been careful. She has infiltrated everything I've been a part of for the last two years to run everything amuck. Dates, work in general and family outings. I don't understand it. She left me. Twice, even. Why bother now?

So my ex-girlfriend assaulted me and my friend at the bar today. The wonderful part is that we all work in the same store on the same shift. Me, I don't necessarily care. My friend, however, talks about slashing people's tires and punching them in the love organs; I dissuade her a lot. So much, in fact, that it has almost become a tired Abbot & Costello shtick meets American Psycho/Splendor. Playing the straight man doesn't work anymore. It hasn't helped that my ex has been spreading rumors about me throughout my store (ranging from cheating to full-blown gay), following me home. Comics have been the least of my worries, lately: I'll tell you that much.

I have several options right now. Call work and tell the managers I want to have a meeting proposing a store transfer of my ex, having her switched to days where she'll take a cut in pay, or simply having her fired for attempting to punch my little friend, then me, right in the collective face. But I don't want anyone fired.

What would any of you do in my situation? It's already too late to call the cops, I guess.