10112011 I Do Not Want This

Nine Inch Nails

Saw a new Doctor today, his name was kind of prophetic, Doctor Saad. After a long talk where I spilled my guts he told me I needed help and asked me what I feel we should do. Therapy came up and I will be doing that soon. Another was maybe trying a medication, an anti-depressant.

Its called Cipralex and I start tomorrow.

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03112011 Destination Unknown


I am not okay.

When I am not enraged for no reason at all and on some ridiculous tirade over nothing and feeling guilty about it, I am crying or on the verge of it and having trouble turning away from suicidal thoughts. Doesn't matter what I do to calm down or brighten up, none of it helps. Things which used to pull me away from myself either aren't available anymore or plain not working. I feel very alone and frustrated at myself for feeling that way. When I wake up each day I have my fiance and my cats. My fiance is always away at work cos this art thing is a waste of time, one of my cats wants nothing to do with me unless I have food for her, the other spends most of her time with me and is really the only other living thing I have any kind of positive relationship with. Once a week or so I get to go out to see my mother and watch movies, thats it.

Someone had the gall to say "It could be worse" when I was more specific about things and it made me livid. When has "It could be worse" ever helped anyone? It made me feel petty and like my feelings were unwarranted. I know the statement is true, things could be worse, and I can see how they would be from where I am; nonetheless it is still a useless sentiment. My feelings are relevant whether anyone other then the cat gives a shit or not.

All of this negativity has me feeling like I can't do the things I want too. Might as well come out and say it: I can't do this Dear Diary comic. Its that simple. After all this time all I have is two completed pages. Thats it. In the time its taken me to get them done I've lost faith in both my script and myself. The comic isn't going to happen, no matter how much I want it too. My current method of creating art is too time consuming, too mentally taxing and too involved to create something of that magnitude. I have trouble completing a set of themed images nevermind a whole comic book series. I hate myself and my ideas too much to be able to maintain that kind of consistency. Has occurred to me I may need to find a writer with their own ideas and just do that, see how it works out.


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