By LassieOfDoom 7 Comments
... can't be unseen.
I was out tonight, watching the new Predators movie. Am I the only one who thinks it's a big load of crap? Not one sentence was original in any way, it's like the author looked through every single action movie script of the past 30 years and collected the most common phrases to put them somewher in the movie. And then this new Predator thing, I mean come on! It's quite easy to make a new Xenomorph, just let the Facehugger in another race's face, but another Predator? HELL NO!!! And where's the effing story? "Hey, we're in a jungle! Oh, let's go there. Oh, we're on another Planet. Dammit, we're hunted. Taddaaa, I killed a Predator!" For those of you who remember, the 1st Predator movie had a story, the 2nd at least something similiar. But this piece of horses**t doesn't.
The last thought i had today was "My entire life, not just my childhood, has been raped!", and it made me come to think of other movies that raped everything and everyone I ever loved.
No one wants to hear about it? I don't care! Here they are, unfortunately not in a specific order:
Batman Forever / Batman and Robin
Whooohooooo!!! Batman faces his most evil villain. He can't find him, he never will. Joel Schuhmacher lives behind the 4th wall, and so he can't be tracked by Batman while spoiling the drinking water with LSD... Seriously, I thought this would be the story. Please, these movies include Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze, Jim Carrey as the Riddler and George "Mr. permanent most charming smile on earth" effing Clooney. He's grinning the entire movie. Maybe he was laughing about how ridiculous Freeze's ice dancers where.
... Just... Lemme go... I wanna cry... I'm pretty sure that most of you have seen this bollocks, and most of you know what I mean. Venom too short, Sandman too... sandy and Harry... He's such an emo in those movies. And Peter? Turning from shy guy to a**hole to hero doesn't help him, he's just boring (in those movies, especially in the 3rd one). What also disturbed me a lot was the symbiont forming himself like a human hand during lightning. It must have known that things like this scare the everloving crap out of everybody (no, it didn't).
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
... 'nuff said...
Die Hard 4.0
Okay, the 4th wasn't the worst. I liked the story about the firesale, but there are 4 elements that make this movie the 2nd worst Die Hard:
1.: Justin Long
2.: Making a car driving into a flying helicopter
3.: Being so lucky that those two cars came by that prevented our heroes from being smashed by a third one that did a barrel roll towards them through the air... WTF?
4.: "Shooting" on a helicopter by hitting a hydrant with a car, thus making water shooting up in the air, hitting the gunman in the helicopter, making him fall and die
5.: Justin Long
The Eric Bana one. Hulk himself looked so incredibly cheap. Nick Nolte... who or what the hell was he supposed to be? I kinda thought of Absorbing Man, but he was too powerful for that. Jennifer Connelly played far worse than she could have. And Eric effing Bana... God, he's so extremely boring, he has as many faces as Steven Segal. Compare it to Norton: He was serious, he was vicious, he was desperate... And you could tell just by looking at his face. But worst thing of all where the superpowered dogs. That's it. I also hate Lockjaw, just because he is a superpowered dog. I mean wtf? Superpowered dogs? The cooles amongst them is Terror, because he f**ks when told to do so. No other superpowered dogs allowed.
Resident Evil: Extinction / Resident Evil: Afterlife
Yeah, you heard right. I'm willing to accept the 1st two just because of the measurment on the suckometer for the 2nd two. Afterlife hasn't been released here yet, and I don't know about the states, but if it is even remotely as bad as Extinction, it will be worth suicide after 5 minutes. So, let me focus on Extinction, that I've already seen:
hundreds of dead Alice clones, Zombie taming, flat-head-Wesker, Dragonball-like fighting scenes and Alice Abernathy. I somehow like her, cause she's a skilled, beautiful woman. But totally overpowered, especially for the RE-Universe.
X-2 / X-Men: The last Stand / X-Men Origins: Wolverine
The 1st one was pretty cool. not really good, surely not bad, but pretty cool. What remains is crap. X-2: Where is my story? What does this Stryker have to do with the comic striker? Seriously, please, someone's gotta tell me. Okay, this is nothing what X-2 can be blamed for, but I always wondered how one can call a German Kurt Wagner. We'd make fun of a guy with that name, just for everyone to know.
X-Men: The last Stand: No one, really, not one single charakter here (besides maybe the Beast and Angel) look anything like their comic counterparts. Really. and again, what was the story? Who hided the plot?
X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Just because of what they did with Deadpool.
Peter Jackson's King Kong
Too long, too crappy, I hate Adrian Brody cause he has only one impression, no one will ever beat the young Fay Wray in screaming and oh my goood... Kong in Manhattan... Please, please, please, please, please, someone must be able to explain me WHY Ann Darrow was looking for Kong in the city instead of waiting till he grabs her, and there must be one living being in the universe that must be able to tell me what the f**k they were thinking when Ann and Kong were ice skating in Central Parc.
Okay, I gotta admit that I've never seen the original series and I never played with the action figures. G.I. Joe wasn't really popular here, but this movie is even able to suck on its own. It's a bunch of clichè characters (tough women, the charming super-soldier slash most-effing-romantic-guy-on-effing-earth, the black guy that never shuts his mouth cause he thinks everything's he gotta say is important and the damn-I'm-evil-guy) in a movie that copycats the most popular action movies of the last decade. What's really bugging me and what I will never forget is the submarine fight, where they took an entire scene from the opening battle in Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Speaking of which...
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace / Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones / Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
I'd really like to skip those... they make me cry... Jar Jar Binks, stupid dialogues (especially between Anakin and Padmé), Grievous was disappointing, "NOOOOOEEEES!!1!" at the end of Revenge of the Sith, CGI-Yoda, story falls back behind action scenes.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
Is there anything in this movie even similiar to the games? Didn't think so... It's even worse than the 1st Street Fighter Movie, at least they tried back then. But this one... just no!
I bet I forgot some (I've seen... For example, haven't seen Garfield, Chipmunks or Superman Returns), but it's enough for now. Im gonna cry myself to sleep today.
Greetings from Germany to everyone who's reading this!