Joy Reviewz Library

Okay, so I made another thread for this a while back, but it was pretty cluttered and I can't really say I was completely happy with it. Here is a new, official library of all of my reviews, which I will regularly update by way of editing the OP rather than simply bumping the thread with a new review. This will also be more organized and whatnot, separated by genre and alphabetized from there.

* Reviews preceded with a " [ " are part of a set or series.

So, let's get started. First, the two sites that I actively write for:

^ Both links lead to my page on these respective sites, not the homepage. ^

Total Review Tally: 43

Film!

  1. Review - After Earth
  2. Review - All Cheerleaders Die (2014)
  3. Review - Asian School Girls
  4. Review - Barbarian Queen
  5. Review - Carrie (2013)
  6. Review - Curse of the Dragon Slayer
  7. Review - Dark House
  8. Review - Divergent
  9. [Review - Dungeons and Dragons
  10. [Review - Dungeons and Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God
  11. [Review - Dungeons and Dragons: The Book of Vile Darkness
  12. Review - Fire and Ice: The Dragon Chronicles
  13. Review - Frozen
  14. Review - I, Frankenstein
  15. Review - Killjoy (contains all four Killjoy films)
  16. Review Double-Feature - Mazes and Monsters and Dark Dungeons (crossover with Paul Brian McCoy)
  17. Review - Merlin and the Book of Beasts
  18. Review - Pandorum
  19. Review - Pompeii
  20. Review - The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulhu
  21. Review - The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones
  22. List - Top Five Most Quotable Movies

Comics!

  1. Review - Dead Letters #1
  2. [Review - Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe
  3. [Review - Deadpool Killustrated
  4. [Review - Deadpool Kills Deadpool
  5. Review - Injustice: Gods Among Us Annual #1
  6. Review - Night of the Living Deadpool
  7. Review - Shotgun Wedding #1
  8. List - Top Ten Most Sympathetic Comic Characters
  9. Rant - Red Lanterns

Television!

  1. Review - Constantine 1.01 Unaired Pilot (crossover with Paul Brian McCoy)
  2. Review - Constantine 1.01 Unaired Pilot (repeat, on another site)
  3. Review- Dungeons and Dragons: The Animated Series
  4. Review - Legend of the Seeker

Music!

  1. Review - The Scarlet Ending
  2. Review - The Vincent Black Shadow

Video Games!

  1. Review - Neverwinter
  2. Review - X-Blades

Fan-Fiction!

  1. Review - SpideyIvyDaredevilFan26's Gotham City 21

This same list can be found here, on my Tumblr page.

21 Comments

Joy Reviewz -- Asian School Girls (2014)

Title:Asian School Girls
Studio:The Asylum
Starring:Minnie Scarlet, Sam Aotaki, Catherine Hyein Kim
Writer:Tim Culley
Director:Lawrence Silverstein

...Yeah.

What can I say. I'm weak.

When I saw this as a new release on Netflix, the title caught my eye for reasons that hopefully aren't too obvious. I saw right away that this was done by the infamous studio The Asylum, perhaps best known for Sharknado, but against all odds I remained optimistic – from what I could tell, this seemed to be the sort of movie Asylum actually does fairly well (that being “grounded, low effects raunchy comedies”).

I was... right and wrong. Let's take a look at Asian School Girls.

I'm doing my best to judge this based on how it markets itself, what it wants to be, and what it actually is. These things are not as close to one another as you might think.

How Asian School Girls markets itself is as a fun, wacky, action-packed comedy starring hot girls in schoolgirl outfits.

What Asian School Girls wants to be is a badass rape-and-revenge drama in the vein of I Spit On Your Grave.

What Asian School Girls actually is is neither of those things, though it contains some elements of both. The plot centers on four (wait for it...) asian schoolgirls faking their ID's and heading to a party, where they are subsequently daterape drugged by a couple of decent-looking guys. This leads to the technical epicenter of any rape-and-revenge flick, which is... well, rape. However, unlike the way this is traditionally handled, the rape scene is short (not even ten minutes), non-gratuitous, and not even particularly brutal (nobody really gets hurt, and one of the guys is even forced into it and is fairly gentle).

After that, the situation is handled awkwardly as all hell. The girls are just kind of let go, with the ability to place faces at locations, and that doesn't even take into consideration their attitude about what just happened – they all seem genuinely peeved, but through a flaw in either writing or acting the tragedy never really hits home, with one exception: The most “innocent” of the quartet, Susie, was not only deflowered in the event, but is chastised by her family for getting into the situation at all. Mild spoilers – she commits suicide in what is, considering its source, a pretty grisly and sudden scene.

This sets the three survivors, previously willing to let this whole thing fade away, on a mission to avenge themselves and their fallen comrade. They start seeking out the guys that drugged them and gathering weapons and training so that they can handle themselves... mostly.

But first they get jobs at a strip club to make some extra cash, not to mention keep an eye on the place the guys last mentioned being.

Now, in the age of bait-and-switch flicks with little to no nudity, it's worth noting that Asian School Girls has plenty of it, which includes two of the protagonists. If this doesn't satisfy your desire for flesh, then what you're watching probably shouldn't be an actual movie. Hell, there's even a brief, if seemingly non-canon (it's never mentioned again in any capacity) girl-on-girl scene towards the end. I like to think they lived happily ever after together.

All in all, is this movie any good? Not really. The plot, while not... perfect... is cohesive enough, but the dialogue is lazy, and the acting is primarily awful (to clarify, the best performance is given by the stunning Minnie Scarlet, who's a porn star – admittedly, she actually pulls off being the smart one).

So, yeah. It's a half-assed revenge flick, a passable skin flick, is only funny because of how bad it is, has mediocre-to-poor action scenes, and is mildly racist (though, to be perfectly honest, it pokes more fun at racism than it actually promotes it). Was it terrible? Nah. At no point did I have to scan the room for something to bash my own head in with, and if it wasn't at least watchable I probably would have stopped watching it. Not the best thing The Asylum has squeezed out, but far, far from the worst.

---------------------------------------

Hey thanks :) Made an account w/ my twitter just to comment!

<3

xoxo

29 Comments

Joygirl's Play-by-Play "Son of Batman" Commentary

Contains spoilers.

Poor Deathstroke, jobbing to Ra's like that.

When did Damian Wayne become Yoda?

I think Batman has a cleavage fetish. Both of his "great loves" have huge tits and unzipped catsuits. Not that I'm complaining.

Sweet, Killer Croc being badass.

Who's the hot punk teen and when is she coming to canon? Apparently she's 13 so... um, this is awkward.

Yup, I get it, Damian's the bestest at lots of stuff.

Why is Man-Bat a monkey?

Hookers! Dibs on the one with pink hair.

When did Sagat and Bronze Tiger f*** and have Ubu?

Alfred's the best part of this so far.

Yes, we get it, Robin's classic costume is super gay. We get it. Everyone gets it.

Batman: "GETTIN' REAL SICK OF YOUR S*** DAMIAN."

Oh hey Nightwing. Kewl.

Damian you stupid f***.

Oh okay, hot punk is Langstrom's daughter. That'll make family dinners weird.

MAN-BAT ARMY? Nuhhh.

"No swords. Use these bladed darts instead, way more humane."

Since when is wood Slippery When Wet?

My patience for Damian's slasher grin is wearing thin.

Starring Nightwing as "Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film"

"You're sure?" "I'm sure. Two mountains side by side couldn't possibly be anything else."

Talia in bondage *fapfapfapfapfap*

Fridge Logic: Why didn't they actually make helping Ra's into the Pits a priority? He almost made it himself, with even a tiny amount of help he would have made it.

Batman is officially an elf. He gets a free Search check when passing by a secret door. That just happened and I cannot be convinced that he isn't an elf.

When does Rebecca Langstrom get naked? That needs to happen. INTERNET MAKE IT HAPPEN. Pure thoughts.

Why is Batman so skinny? Making up for how buff everyone was in Flashpoint Paradox?

Also Bruce's jaw is too narrow. Where's the Bat-jaw?

Starring Curt Connors as Dr. Langstrom

Since when does Batman attend to Bat-Business in Bruce Wayne getup? Isn't he way too paranoid for that?

Why does Damian covet the uniform so much if he thinks it's gay as f***?

When did the Robin outfit get a hood? Did Damian sew it himself?

Why isn't Ubu recovering? He just got his ass beat, 12-year-olds endure worse beatings on a daily basis and don't go comatose from them.

Judging from his suddenly cool-ass boots, Damian DID sew the new costume himself. Unless Bruce has a "Bat-Individual-Robin-Costume-Creating Machine"

"It's a kid, get him!" -- Whaaaa?

I dive into endless chutes all the time. Who cares where they go? I'll probably be fine. /sarcasm

"Don't you dare dip my mother into that life-giving magical pit! I'll kill you first!"

Heh, Slade's really letting Damian have it.

Slade's a trained killer. There's no way he'd shoot a pistol one-handed when his other hand is free, it's less accurate.

Nananananannanananana bat-ninjas

Nobody knows better than to fight Batman with bats?

Slade doesn't fight with two swords. That's Rose's thing.

When is Talia gonna get naked?

Isn't the Lazarus Pit supposed to make you crazy? Like it did to Jason and like it does to Ra's every time?

Speaking of Jason, where's Tim?

"Talia would have been mine"? This is what this is about? Slade wants to tap that ass?

Yesssss stab Damian *fapfapfap*

YOU CAN'T BLOCK BULLETS WITH SWORDS. STOP IT.

And the award for Jobber of the Year goes to... Slade Wilson! Let's give him a hand everybody! *clapclapclap*

"You call it luck! I call it BEING A MARY SUE!"

Fridge Logic: Since when does Deathstroke try to set up crime operations? He's a mercenary, he kills stuff. He's not a spiteful, vindictive little bastard who sets up rackets like this.

"Oh no, I got magical life-juice all over me! I'm ruined!" *dies*

"Go ahead, finish me." Since when is Slade suicidal? Does he actually not want to live to fight another day? Or is this ONLY so Damian can have a Heel Face Turn?

That Lazarus-mill thingy is built really hilariously badly.

Starring Nightwing as deus-ex-machina man!

"Damian should stay with me." "But he'll want to stay with me." "Lol nope, he's through with you. Too bad bitch." #BatYOLO"

Since when does Batman refer to Robins by their real name in public? Who killed Batman and took his place?

Ah, it's over. Well, that was mediocre.

Hope you enjoyed, everyone. <3

24 Comments

Joy Reviewz -- Pandorum

This movie is exhaustively bad.

The tagline for this should have been “Pandorum: Definitely not a sequel to Event Horizon!” in big happy words. This is yet another attempt at the doomed-to-failure space-slasher genre, something you may have seen in other high-budget-yet-crappy movies like “Sunshine.”

Whoever wrote the script for this was clearly a big fan of Event Horizon (which was actually a really good movie). And, I'm gonna be honest, the script for this... wasn't terrible. It wasn't good, but it wasn't terrible. It seemed to have an adequate premise from what I could gather and a few instances of strong dialogue (like the one guy telling his story about little indians, that was nice even if I don't know what he was talking about).

It was visually good. The designs of things like costumes, weapons, and monsters (gasp, spoilers) were all really pretty well-done.

The acting was good (except in the case of Dennis Quaid). Ben Foster and Antje Traue gave particular strong performances, even if... well, let's say Antje practiced her English a lot between Pandorum and Man of Steel. Her voice is melodic and expressive but the words she forms really mean nothing about 80% of the time. The movie is also wise enough to have her deliver the majority of exposition (in other words, you never get to know what's going on).

What this movie really is, is a directorial disaster. It's gloomy and grimy, too dark to see. The scenes are choppy and the storyline is incredibly challenging to follow. About halfway through I more or less gave up on trying to figure out what was going on, and just figured, “Oh well, space monsters.”

Even that, however, proved to be boring. Focusing closely, I felt like the action scenes were actually decent. But something about the pacing and the music just made me not care, like my eyes drifted away from the screen to look at more interesting things, like my desk, or that guy over there's unsettling mustache.

I can't go into too much detail, both for fear of spoilers and because I didn't understand the majority of the plot, nor care. That's fortunate, however, since this film doesn't really deserve to be gone into in detail. If you decide to watch it because the plot sounded interesting, just rewatch Event Horizon. If you're watching it for Antje Traue, just rewatch Man of Steel. If you're in it for Ben Foster, just rewatch 3:10 to Yuma. And if you're in it for Dennis Quaid... get out.

25 Comments

Joy Reviewz -- Killjoy

I want to do a mass-review of Killjoy. Not just the 2000 slasher flick, though, no -- I want to review ALL FOUR, all at once. Isn’t that exciting?

So, for those who have never heard of it (you probably haven’t), the Killjoy series of films by Full Moon Entertainment that started in ye olde Y2K. They feature a clown hitman from hell known mostly (but not only) as Killjoy. They vary vastly in quality and consistency, but as a general rule, they are pretty fun.

So, allow me to start with the first film:

Killjoy (2000)

The first movie is okay. It features a very basic storyline with a young boy that gets spurned by his prospective lover and accidentally shot by her gangbanger boyfriend. Right before that, however, he uses some black magic (dum dum dummmm) to bring a little doll to life, one that he dubs “Killjoy”.

The movie picks up with the performance of Angel Vargas, who plays the eponymous clown character and arrives one year later in the film’s chronology. He is sinister and playful, with a decent evil laugh and a hammy attitude that is definitely enjoyable for a villain. He also breaks the mould a bit – Killjoy mocks and taunts his thuggish victims by using a lot of cursing and urban language, which comes off as wonderfully eccentric among his basically clownish and silly persona. I refer to this Killjoy as the “silly” Killjoy, and he most often dances about and rubs his palms together, paving the way for what would eventually turn into a very fun character.

This flick has a girl protagonist, some side characters, and a creepy old wizard guy who seems to know a thing or two about a thing or two. Many things occur, with the protagonists trying to find ways to end him and his teasing, reality-warping murders (which are seemingly functional only in his realm, which takes the form of an ice cream truck). They sort-of succeed after trying a lot of stuff that doesn’t work (including trying to take him at his word, which is disastrous), exiting his “realm” and seeming to escape. Spoiler alert, he’s fine and continues to give the protagonist nightmares even after he’s killed his fill. The story of this movie is referenced by every consecutive film, so it’s pretty important that you see it if you’re going to watch the others. It’s low-quality and campy, with shabby acting and a weak plot – but that doesn’t mean it isn’t fun.

For those with an eye out, it contains side-boob with one nipple, giving it a Nudity Rating of 2.

Killjoy 2: Deliverance from Evil (2002)

This movie is… a little bit different. It follows a basic slasher-flick plotline, with a bunch of convicted cons being dragged into the woods for a camping trip by a couple of cops, or… whatever they were. This was the least entertaining of the four films, despite being the introduction of Trent Haaga taking on the role of Killjoy.

This part is important. It heralds a distinct change in Killjoy’s makeup, giving him more sinister red lips and red, wing-like streaks across each eye, as opposed to Angel Vargas’s pink and green semi-ovals. In this movie, Trent Haaga doesn’t seem like he has not fully nestled himself in the role – his speaking voice is deep and gloriously sinister, but his evil laugh lacks conviction. He is hammy, but not perfectly so, and does an absurd amount of evil hand-rubbing.

Killjoy 2 is not referenced in any of the other films, and pretty much seems to have never happened. I am glad for this: it’s the only one of these movies that doesn’t really seem to fit. He doesn’t need a realm to use his powers, and after killing almost everyone he was after, he was casually “killed” by a splash of holy water that completely melts his face. He doesn’t come back, he doesn’t get a creepy stinger after the credits showing his likely return – nothing. However… hope is not lost.

Despite having a sex scene, this is skipped over and this film has no nudity besides some muscular arms in a tank-top, which I am pretty sure do not count. Nudity Rating of 1.

Killjoy 3 (2010)

Eight years pass.

Trent Haaga returns as Killjoy with a whole-new attitude. He’s ditched his bright, satiny costume for some black-and-red threads, his overly-gigantic hair has slimmed down and is now perfect for concealing the demonic horns we never knew he had. His laugh has improved, and so has his acting, and his heavy, hideous makeup has been swapped for some creepy facepaint, turning this incarnation of Killjoy into one of my very favorite killer clowns.

This time-skip also shows a mixed-race cast as opposed to the all-black casting of the first two films, a vast improvement in film and sound quality, and basically the quality of everything. It seems to have a basic premise, an old man summoning Killjoy to wreak havoc and slapping him in a magic mirror to be delivered to some pesky teenagers, who, as everyone knows, are at the bottom of the monster food pyramid.

We also get to enjoy Killjoy’s three clownish lieutenants: Punchy, a demonic behemoth who takes the form of a gigantic hobo clown; Freakshow, a truly disturbing demonic asian mime with a creepy little conjoined twin/dollbaby thing; and Batty Boop, a succubus with an annoyingly endearing baby talk accent who is Killjoy’s “girlfriend” and wears only body paint (yeah).

The plot is basic, showing some basic kids getting killed in increasingly creative and enjoyable reality-warping ways as soon as they enter the mirror, which is Killjoy’s realm in this movie (however, he does seem to have some power outside of it, as the kids are unable to leave the house the mirror is in). All of his lieutenants get a chance to have fun, with Punchy getting a boxing match with Zilla (the resident Big Guy in the teenager team), Batty seduces the main man-guy, and Freakshow just… just terrifies everyone with his horrifying eyes and creepier baby-buddy (seriously, this guy scares me, can you tell?).

When Michael (from the first movie)’s dad shows up, revealing that it was he that summoned Killjoy for the purpose of getting revenge on him, things twist a little bit. Now he and the surviving kids jump into the mirror and try to stop Killjoy there, using any and all methods – by turning his lieutenants against him, to using his true names (of which he has 53) against him, to using the souls of his victims against him, to using good ol’ fashioned protagonist power.

Spoiler alert: None of those things work. When his henchmen turn, he kills them. True names are irrelevant (unless you actually have power of them, see Killjoy 4), and it’s revealed that all of his victims become a part of him, as he absorbs their souls (you see a bit of this at the end of the first film, but it’s vague, he just says “dinner time” to Michael after the entire affair ends). Oh, and protagonist power means nothing.

With just about everyone dead, including the old man, it is revealed that one thing seemingly annoys him enough to temporarily defeat him – laughter. Zilla and Sandie figure this out at the last second, and while Zilla still doesn’t make it, Sandie does. Killjoy is defeated and the mirror disappears, but Sandie is left with an eternal case of psychotic giggles. Whoops.

This flick is by far better than the first and second flicks combined. Trent Haaga’s performance is fantastic and memorable, bringing back to old slang from the first flick to seem eerily modernized with lines like “I’m f***ing Killjoy, I don’t need an excuse!”

This film gets a Nudity Rating of 3 – Batty Boop is a regular character and appears only in body paint throughout the entire film. Add on the fact that those with fetishes for body paint or clowns (cough cough) will get a little something extra, and she provides enough fanservice for the movie.

Killjoy Goes to Hell (2012)

The best film yet – this movie has decided to vote yay for consistency! Trent Haaga returns in his latest, most sinister incarnation, along with, well, EVERYONE ELSE that’s still alive! Batty Boop, Freakshow (sans little baby buddy – he gets a robotic replacement) and Punchy are all back and taking their parts in Hell.

This one features Killjoy standing trial in Hell for incompetent softness, specifically for letting a survivor escape in Killjoy 3 (this seems like a hard attempt to ignore the second film, as he lets two people escape in that one. In the first movie some people live, but they weren’t his targets).

He is stripped of his powers (and a lot of his names) and forced to take part in an infernal court. A deep-voiced, bearded Beelzebub stands as the judge, and the annoying little pimple of a barely-demonic mortal named Skid is his defending attorney against his scantily-clad ex-girlfriend, Jezebeth, who is working against him.

Everyone’s performances are as good as can be expected for a movie with such a low budget. Even the special effects are decent, and some people who were only alright in the third movie (like Batty and Freakshow) have greatly improved by the fourth film, along with much larger parts. Killjoy Goes to Hell perfectly blends comedy with an enjoyable plotline and some distinctly eerie scenes (again, Freakshow, with a surprising show of scariness from Batty). Writing and dialogue are all terrific, and even Sadie, the giggling survivor from the last film, shows up. This is my favorite of the four movies and has solidly cemented the series as a favorite of mine. Yeah – I consider myself a Killjoy fan.

The movie is satisfying from start to finish. If you are a fan of a little camp, comedy, and evil clowns in general, this is the holy grail.

This film has a Nudity Rating of 4 – Batty is back and as naked as ever. Add to that some burly, bare-chested fellas for those who are into that, a DA (Devil’s Advocate, apparently) in a dress that is as indecent as a dress can be, and another demon girl dressed in red paint who appears towards the end, and you have a film with plenty of skin.

This concludes my review for the Killjoy series, and I’m hoping for more to come! Please go check out the films (might wanna skip the second, unless you are into completion like me), and let me know what you thought!

“I’m Killjoy! I’m guilty as hell!”

1 Comments

Joy Reviewz -- Frozen

Well, I guess it was only a matter of time before this moment. Frozen is Disney's current golden child – even after the massive success of Tangled and the slightly-less-massive (but still massive) success of Brave, this movie has blown everyone's expectations out of the water. People absolutely love this movie, in an almost creepy way. I've never heard an unkind word spoken about it. So it was only a matter of time before I got off my lazy ass and actually watched the damn thing. I did that last night.

My feelings were immediately mixed, and I decided to give myself some time to chew on it. I thought and talked about it all night, annoying family members with my proto-review of the film and, inevitably, humming “Let It Go” as I went to sleep. Waking up refreshed and with my coffee in hand, I'm ready to give this film a proper review and tell the world what I think.

But where do I start? I realized a few hours after watching it that this film has a lot going on, even if it isn't apparent at first. Unless I'm overthinking it, there are actually a lot of highly conceptual ideas lurking in this movie, complete with subversions and little tricks.

I'll start, I suppose, with the music. The music was... admittedly, underwhelming to me. I went into this after hearing the hype for it, so I figured that, twenty seconds in, this thing would rock my socks off. It really didn't. Most of the songs felt recycled from other Disney flicks (The Little Mermaid, specifically), even if they were very well-sung. At points there were songs that were barely even songs, but simply characters holding a conversation that consisted of normal sentences that they decided to sing (normally I don't have an issue with this, but it felt... forced, to me).

The film makes up for this weakness in a small way, with a single song – “Let It Go,” which pops up around the twenty-minute mark and is also played during the ending credits. I actually was immediately blown away by this (both the song and the singer) and got chills a couple times. This song was powerful, and conveyed a specific message very strongly, and very well (more on that a little later).

So, overall, the music didn't impress me. The singing was good, but of course it was. The songs themselves just... didn't grab me.

Next is the characters, of which there are a good few. Some are amazing. Some are less amazing.

Elsa is the film's antiprotagonist (I made that up! Yayyy) and I'll have a lot to say about her later in this review. For a quick, superficial summation of her character – she's okay. She starts off as a total ice queen, but she has her reasons. That's cool. She then becomes more of a tragic figure, also with good reason. She's more of a plot device than anything, though she brings the largest amount of heavy emotion to the production.

Anna is the real protagonist, which isn't obvious right off the bat, but becomes moreso in a short time. I have to say, I was really impressed with her – Kristen Bell puts out a genuinely spectacular performance in this, and Anna was my favorite part about the movie before I start getting into the contextual stuff. Anna is innocent, vulnerable, and lonely. She's awkward and real in a way that is actually befitting of a Disney movie, in that she's just over-the-top enough to stand out, but not so over-the-top that she loses her organic quality. She performs her “everyman” purpose perfectly, while still having enough character to stand out and be worth having an actual name of her own (not every everyman can pull that off).

Kristoff is, um... Kristoff shows up. He also has a reindeer. And while I really want to say something about him, I just don't have anything to say. He never really felt like more than a stock character to me, and while he has his “talks to himself/his reindeer” thing going on, it never really felt like enough to give him a personality. His dialogue didn't stand out in any specific way, his design was bland, and overall he felt like a void in the film that could have been replaced by pretty much anything else. Maybe I'm just not appreciating him properly, but Kristoff just never felt like any more than another plot device/stock companion.

Then there's Olaf.

Oh, Olaf.

I'll admit it right now – when Olaf (the little snowman guy) came onto the screen, I outright groaned. Here comes the token slapstick comic relief character, who will show up, act stupid, talk stupid, and look stupid. He will do stupid things to make children guffaw but he will subsequently cause my brains to melt out my ear.

Only that's not what he did, at all. I mean, a little bit. He did look stupid. And his voice was a little goofy, but it wasn't that goofy. The thing is that Olaf actually carried jokes, real jokes. With punchlines and stuff. And, though I hate to admit it, he was... well, funny. He didn't rely on slapstick or goofiness to get a laugh, he said and did things that were actually worth laughing at. Now, while the humor wasn't this film's strong point, Olaf alone did his part in turning that around. The kicker is, not only was he funny... he knew when to get lost. When he wasn't needed, or comic relief was otherwise not wanted, he either found a way to disappear or he toned himself down. A lot of movies can't boast a comic relief character who's handled this well.

All together, the dynamic between characters is adequate, but not amazing. The majority of characters don't interact with anyone but Anna beyond a few words, so she has to carry the film's relationships on her own. She does alright, but it's a big job – character dynamics beside Elsa/Anna are generally lacking in depth.

Did you notice that, while mulling over the cast, I never mentioned the core villain? I didn't, did I? That's because I... really can't. This brings me to my central point of this film – the morality.

The morality in this is actually interesting, in that a lot of the characters fluctuate and change over time. Check it out:

  • We have the Lawful Neutral Elsa. By the time the events of the intro have passed, we get “Let It Go,” which is entirely about her shift from Lawful Neutral to Chaotic Neutral, all in one go. After the events of the movie progress some more, she eventually shifts to a warm, cozy Neutral Good. These changes make her an absolutely fascinating character from a moral standpoint. She fills the role of the villain for much of the film, but she is obviously never actually evil, and getting to watch her fluctuate and grow as a person is really amazing.

  • We have the Chaotic Good Anna. Technically she doesn't really change her views, but that's because she's, y'know, the hero.

  • Kristoff starts off as a very firm True Neutral, outright stating that he doesn't give a damn whether or not Anna lives or dies. Of course, by the end of the film he also progresses into more of a Neutral Good role.

  • Olaf is a silly snowman and doesn't count. But while I'm at it, I'll peg him as Chaotic Good too.

  • The Duke of Weselton is a very brutal kind of Neutral Evil and it shows pretty quickly. But I didn't list him as the villain, did I? That's because he's not.

  • The true villain is so devious, so cunning, so vile, and so utterly, adeptly, masterfully well-hidden that he shall remain a mystery. For those who have seen the film, you know who I'm talking about. For those who haven't, I won't ruin the twist.

Now, how many films (let alone Disney films) can boast that amount of moral ambiguity and subtlety? Sure, none of this is really going to flip you upside down, but for a kids' movie the actual depth and organic development that goes into these characters is pretty amazing. “Let It Go” is the catalyst here, as the herald of Elsa's initial change, and it was when I started to realize that there was more to this movie than met the eye.

Though, there were other hints. The film is self-aware in a small way, such as its quick and brutal subversion of twenty-minute-marriage Disney love, and the concept that romantic love is not the only (or most powerful) kind of love out there.

Though, that reminds me of something else.

What the hell, movie?! When are you going to get it through your head that if you're trying to establish a platonic, familial relationship, it has to look and feel different from a romantic one? There were at least three (I think four) points during the film where I was compelled to say “...Now kiss.” The sisters would wait until the most tender and emotional moments, the music would soften, they would grow close together... and then it would jarringly break to something else. It really feels like the sisters could make out at any moment (though obviously we know that they can't do that; society would crumble and fall apart) and even the culmination of the film leads up to a “true love's kiss” that doesn't end up happening because the true love is Elsa, so it has to be a “true love's hug” instead. Now, I'm not a filmmaker, so I'm not going to suggest any alternatives. But seriously, Disney, figure out what you want, because the amount of femslash out there is in no way unfounded (not that it would need to be founded to exist anyway, but still).

Now, at this point it probably sounds like I really liked this movie (I certainly have a lot to say about it, don't I?) yet at the beginning I mentioned mixed feelings on it. Well, yeah – the movie was fine. It was good, and I can see how people liked it. Honest.

Now, do I believe it lived up to its hype? Was it the best thing I've ever seen? Even the best Disney movie?

...Nope.

It was good, but it wasn't great. The music needed to stand out a bit more. A lot of the humor was just not that funny. A good deal of the ending just didn't really hit home, and the touching parts were only so touching – they lacked that raw moment of “holy crap is this actually happening” usually exhibited by animated tear-jerkers, and there was never really the serious moment of fear that is needed to elicit a sensation of sorrow/hope/happiness. Even the moment where it looks like Olaf is about to melt could have gone a lot further – he starts getting a little soggy, says he'll risk it and stay anyway, but then ends up just leaving with Anna and being totally fine. The saddest point is in the very beginning (where Elsa starts avoiding her sister full-time), and the rest of the film fails to live up to that brief spark early in the beginning.

That said, it wasn't bad by any means. Even its worst parts were only mediocre, and it was mostly good as a whole. But is Frozen the divine's gift to Disney, a miracle that will revolutionize animation, filmmaking, and storytelling as a whole?

Nah.

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Find this review, along with some pictures of kittens, on my Tumblr page, Ravencourt Asylum.

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Other Viners have reviewed this movie! Check 'em out:

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Joy Reviewz -- Carrie (2013)

In 1974, a horror novel by legendary author Stephen King was officially published. The book was called Carrie. The book was set five years in the future (1979) and was about an awkward teenage girl who discovered that she had telekinetic powers. Pushed to the brink by teasing classmates, Carrie White snaps and uses her new-found abilities to wreak complete and utter devastation.

The book was raw and ended up being a success. A film, starring Sissy Spacek was released two years later, in 1976. In 1999, a non-canon sequel was released. In 2002, a made-for-TV film of the exact same name was released. And finally, in 2013, we got yet another feature-length film, this one once again titled, simply, “Carrie.”

The big difference in this last film, was that it was actually good. And that's the one I'm going to be reviewing today.

I'm not sure where to start, to be totally honest. I really enjoyed everything about this movie – it was a refreshing, realistic, and modern take on a done-to-death classic. The high school girls that taunt and torment Carrie (played by the staggeringly talented Chloë Grace Moretz) actually act like high school girls. Carrie's mother (played by Julianne Moore, who I usually don't like – in this role, however, she's admittedly in her element) is a convincing zealot with obvious and realistic signs of mental damage (she reminds of my older sister, a little bit!).

And, perhaps, most importantly, we have Carrie herself. Now, let me set something straight – I enjoy Moretz's performances as a whole. I've always thought she was good, I've never really thought she was great, and I've never been one to gush over how amazing she is. That said, she steals the show here, in a big way. She finds a spectacular balance to her character, and she also allows that character a chance to evolve from previous performances without “ruining” her. Moretz's take on the 40-year-old character is an awkward, but otherwise intelligent and together young girl. She's been sheltered and she knows it, she doesn't want people to know about her home life so she doesn't make it common knowledge. This makes her come off as a very realistic “weirdo”, acting the way an actual teen in her position most likely would. She questions her mother's continuous indoctrination with reasonable protestations, shows spectacular degrees of conflict when confronted with challenging situations, and is, all around, one of the most well fleshed-out and real characters I've seen this decade.

The performances, however, are not where this movie's strengths end. The cinematography is fantastic. The dialogue is amazing. The script is excellent. The movie teases the mind at every turn. It guides you to where it wants you to go and then firmly places you there, like a virgin being allowed to touch a breast for the first time.

What must also be considered is the challenge that this film was presented with. It was tasked with telling a story that everyone already knows, not changing the story in any way, but nonetheless making it a thrilling and engaging experience. We, as an audience, wait eagerly for the inevitable finale – and it isn't just foreshadowed, it's outright made clear. If, at the beginning of the film, a man walked onto the screen and clearly stated “at the end of this movie, Carrie will slaughter an entire school with her telekinetic powers in a fit of rage,” it wouldn't be any more obvious that this is how the film will inevitably end. We all know it. We're all waiting for it. And when it happens....

IT. IS. AWESOME.

Chloë Grace Moretz holds herself like some sort of goddess of rage, drenched in blood and directing her crippling frenzy against those who had tormented her. The kills are creative and powerful. There is no conflict, no shame, no holding back. Carrie becomes the spirit of vengeance and uses her ability to crush everything beneath her, eventually using her power to lift herself from the ground, floating as she brings the school to rubble. The extra climax with Carrie's mother is equally intense, even emotional.

So, with everything said and done, 2013's Carrie doesn't leave you hungry for more – it leaves you satisfied, like you just sprang for the $30 feast at Red Lobster. Highly recommended.

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This review, as well as lots of pictures of kittens, can be found on my Tumblr page!

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Joy Castz -- Icewind Dale

HEY GUYS I HAD SOME THOUGHTS IN MY BRAINYTHINK-HEADPARTS. THEY SAID, "HEY JOI, WHAT IF HBO MADE A FORGOTTEN REALMS TV SHOW?"

Then my other brainythink-headparts went "Hey, that would actually be extremely sweet. I would have intercourse with that show. But who would they cast?"

This is who they should cast.

Note: This is not a complete cast. Some characters I don't necessarily care about.

Drizzt Do'Urden -- Pana Hema Taylor

Yup, Agron's boyfriend from Spartacus.

WHY, JOY, WHY?: Don't freak out. Think about it. As a Forgotten Realms elf, Drizzt has very specific features that we have to keep in mind -- narrow features, slim figure, short stature, soft hair, etc. This little guy has all of that stuff, and while his nose is a little bit funny I'm pretty sure you'd all be satisfied with how he looked once the studio finished his make-up.

But can he even act the part?: Probably. Drizzt is only so challenging a part, he's just a big blend of friendly, noble, and sometimes emo. Not too tough and we already saw Nasir do his part to be fierce, vulnerable, courageous, and wounded. He can also do action scenes, meaning that his training time will be minimized. And obviously Drizzt is gonna have to do some serious action scenes.

Artemis Entreri -- Stephen Amell

Yup, Arrow.

WHY, JOY, WHY?: Why not? Let's be honest here, this isn't crack-casting in the slightest. Amell looks uncannily like Entreri, and can do amazing action scenes.

But can he even act the part?: For his failings as Green Arrow (not being funny or upbeat enough), he's perfect as Entreri. His cold, dead eyes; his superficial, empty charm; his tortured demeanor. All of this is exactly what we need in an Enteri character. I'd love to see Amell wielding the jeweled dagger -- a lot more than with a bow and arrow.

Wulfgar, Son of Beornegar -- Alexander Skarsgård

Yup, the vampire dude from True Blood.

WHY, JOY, WHY?: While I hate to be redundant, why not? He's a tall, buff, blond viking, and while he's a little too old for the part makeup can age him pretty easily.

But can he even act the part?: Again, the part isn't that hard. Wulfgar has two points in his life -- boisterous warrior out to prove himself, and sulking, brooding, angsty jackass. Pretty sure this guy can do both of these things. The action scenes won't be anything amazingly hard since it's just swingin' a hammer around, too.

Catti-brie Battlehammer -- Rose Leslie

Yup, the wildling chick from Game of Thrones.

WHY, JOY, WHY?: Dammit, why do you keep asking that? This isn't out-of-the-box here. I'm firmly in the box. Who would you cast as a young, spunky redhead who is good with a bow and was literally raised by dwarves? This is a clear choice.

But can she even act the part?: ...Do you watch Game of Thrones?

Jarlaxle Baenre -- Nikolaj Coster-Waldau

Yeah, I'm borrowing from GoT again. You know this guy.

WHY, JOY, WHY?: Okay, this one is a little trickier, as it's a natural challenge with casting fantasy races such as elves. Nikolaj (let's call him "Jaime Lannister" for short) has a slightly leaner body type and an angular face that seems healthy but experienced, which is what we need for Jarlaxle. Overall, though, what matters for this character is less action scenes, and more attitude. Which brings me to....

But can he even act the part?: I think he can. In Game of Thrones he is frequently talkative and cunning, confident to the end, and even a little playful. For those who have read the books, this is exactly what we need for the Jarlaxle character -- if he alters his character a bit (as an actor, I should hope he can), he'll be able to portray an excellent Jarlaxle.

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And that's it! Before you say "what about Bruenor/Regis/Harkle/etc./etc./etc." the answer is "I don't care enough about those characters to cast them, I'll leave that to the casting directors who will never make this".

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The Theik2 Library of Ultimate Excellence

Over the years and the many phases of ComicVine's Fan-Fic board, one writer has tantalized our senses, enticing laughter, vague interest, polite advice, and occasionally cruel mockery.

This writer was Theik2.

Known for his complete lack of proper formatting, seemingly wandering and pointless story, small word count, shameless femslash, and overall sub-par writing, he -- despite a total lack of support -- continued to churn out work week after week for the sheer love of doing so.

Now that he's gone, and has started to fade from memory, I intend to honor that passion for his craft with the Theik2 Library of Ultimate Excellence -- where I will personally reformat, proofread, and edit each Theik2 story into a masterpiece.

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Batgirl and Batwoman

Batgirl and Batwoman, by Theik2 (original story)

Theik2's Batgirl and Batwoman (Remastered) -- Chapter One, by Joygirl
Theik2's Batgirl and Batwoman (Remastered) -- Chapter Two, by Joygirl

Original: 362 words
Remastered: 4,062 words

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Note: If you share my dream of acknowledging Theik2 as the best writer to ever live, feel free to edit stories and link them to me! Be sure to post links to the original story in your remastered version!

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