Finding out a movie based on something you love has gotten the green light can be a roller coaster ride. Sometimes you get an incredible adaptation that shows the entire world what you loved about that particular franchise, such as the Lord of the Rings and Avengers movies. Other times, you get a complete train wreck. Casting can be key to determining whether a movie is on the right track or not. Take, for example, the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie currently being made by Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes studio. The announcement to cast Megan Fox as April O’Neil left fans assured that Bay is exactly as predictable as the internet claimed he was. Even more perplexing was the decision to cast the decidedly not Japanese actor William Fichtner as Oroku Saki, the villain known as the Shredder. With the exception of Will Arnett being chosen as Vernon Fenwick, there has not been a single casting choice that has given me any sense of optimism for this film.

With that in mind, I’m starting an experiment with this blog post- Cast an Awful Movie. An attempt to cast a movie not based on the ideal candidates for each role, but rather to predict Hollywood’s worst instincts. This is not representing a movie made with love for the source material, but a cynical cash grab designed by committee. Having recently gone on a Doctor Who bender on Netflix, I can think of no better candidate for the first to receive such treatment.

Doctor Who - An Awful Movie Cast

The Doctor - Owen Wilson

The Doctor is quirky, right? You know who else is quirky and bankable? Owen Wilson. Already, we can set the tone for this awful movie. Of course, Wilson isn’t allowed out of the house without Ben Stiller or Vince Vaughn to hold his hand. Hmm… we’ll get to that later.

Rory Williams - Michael Cera

When I was a little girl, I had an imaginary friend. And when I grew up, he came back. He’s called the Doctor. He comes from somewhere else. He’s got a box called the TARDIS that’s bigger on the inside and can travel anywhere in time and space. I ran away with him, and we’ve been running ever since.

You know what - forget all of that. Genre movies with female leads don’t make money! Except the Hunger Games. And… urgh… Twilight. You know what- those are outliers. Any excuse to avoid straying from the formulas that have defined Hollywood’s output. Instead, Rory is going to be our main character. We’re going to change this whole story into one about an awkward young guy trying to get a girl while explosions happen around him. And awkward is Hollywood code for Michael Cera.

Amy Pond - Kate Upton

Can she act? Is she a good match for the character? Who cares! We’re going to make her spend the whole movie posing in ways that make fourteen year old boys think they’re watching porn!

River Song - Michelle Rodriguez

River Song is the most adept fighter in the Doctor’s merry band. Michelle Rodriguez is Hollywood’s go-to action girl. She’s good at kicking ass and dying on screen, but beyond that, she doesn’t have a very wide range. She’s good for playing confrontational, less so for River’s signature charm and flirtatious attitude.

Canton Everett Delaware III- Vince Vaughn

He may have played a small role in the series, but he gives an opportunity to bring in one of Owen Wilson’s contractually obligated co-stars. Plus, you can cut together his scenes into a trailer to make this look like a Vince Vaughn / Owen Wilson buddy comedy, which studio analysts say will add another $200 million at the box office. Remember Wedding Crashers? At least some of this audience does.

Madam Kovarian - Angelina Jolie

She wore an eye patch in Sky Captain ! That’s enough, right?

I'd like to see all of your takes on this concept. Sure, everybody writes up cast lists based on who they'd like to play they're favorite characters, but try reaching deep into that part of your mind that you try to keep sealed away. Who are we really going to get?