RATED M

Page 1

1/ Splash Page/ Deadpool standing in front of the empty passenger plane, still holding two ridiculously large guns, which are now out of ammo. The entire runway is littered with the corpses of guards. Deadpool is tilting his head slightly as he talks to Weasel over the comm.

SFX: CLIK CLIK
DEADPOOL: Ah, ah, ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive…
WEASEL: Save the disco for another time. Jeez. Wiped out the entire runway.
DEADPOOL: Years of jazzercise videos prepared me for moments like these, Weasel. Years of them.
WEASEL: You’re the mercenary Richard Simmons. My world is coming apart, Wade.
DEADPOOL: Take it back.
WEASEL: Richard Simmons.
DEADPOOL: Going from “DEADPOOL: THE UNMURDERABLE” to Richard Simmons in a week is somehow hilariously in character for me.
DEADPOOL: But enough horsef**king around. Lead the way, friend!

Page 2

1/ Back view of Weasel sitting at his console, talking to Wade. In front of him is a map of Cadneria. The size of this country is actually shockingly small. It’s the size of Manhattan.

WEASEL: Okay. The signal is leading north. Way, way north.
DEADPOOL: Excellent. I fly an empty passenger plane and entertain myself by pretending to be a captain, just so you can tell me that I landed far too south. Great.

2/ Weasel looking close at another screen, which has a satellite image of a large capital building.

WEASEL: The Cadnerian officials should be held up in the capital building. There’s a small town on the way there, and it should be on the outskirts.
DEADPOOL: Yikes. This country… it’s so…
WEASEL: Small?
DEADPOOL: I was gonna say bite-sized, but that works too.
WEASEL: Just be glad this isn’t the prison riot in Guantanamo Bay again.

3/ Deadpool standing there on the runway, looking off in the distance.

DEADPOOL: Dude, I keep telling you, I did NOT start that--
WEASEL: There’s video evidence. By the way, use your image inducer. You’ve got a squad of militia coming at you.

4/ Deadpool smirking, tossing all his big guns behind him.

DEADPOOL: I just formed a brilliant plan in my brain.
WEASEL: Oh, this is gonna be good. I’m gonna go make popcorn. Manage for a few seconds without me.

5/ Back view of Deadpool, who now looks like one of the fallen guards. He’s trying his best to look scared, like a survivor of a massacre. In front of him is an oncoming jeep full of militia.

DEADPOOL: (Sure, Weas. Please, ditch me with the angry people with guns.)
DRIVER: YOU! HALT!
DEADPOOL: Y-YES SIR!!

Page 3

1/ Side view of Deadpool, standing straight and giving a salute. His uniform is clean, not covered in blood like everyone else. A higher ranking Cadnerian officer is stepping out of the jeep. He’s got basically, all black military clothing on. No visible symbols or anything.

CADNERIAN CAPTAIN: Name and rank, soldier.
DEADPOOL: Sargent Crunch, sir.
CADNERIAN CAPTAIN: Sargent Crunch?
DEADPOOL: Used to be a Captain, sir!

2/ The Captain throwing a right hook into Deadpool’s jaw.

SFX: WHAM

3/ Deadpool fallen over, still in his disguise.

CADNERIAN CAPTAIN: Whoever the hell you are, you are NOT one of us.
CADNERIAN CAPTAIN: Get him in the jeep. Gotta take this scum to the capital. And for God’s sake, someone call the morgue and get them to work on this place!

Page 4

1/ Side view of Deadpool in his disguise, still looking like one of the other soldiers, sitting up in the jeep, surrounded by the soldiers.

DEADPOOL: Urgh… my spleen.
SOLDIER: Shut up.

2/ Disguised Deadpool glaring down at his hands, which are cuffed by somewhat regular handcuffs.

DEADPOOL: Spatula.

3/ The soldier glaring at disguised Deadpool.

SOLDIER: Hey. I said SHUT UP.
DEADPOOL: And I said spatula. Whatcha gonna do about it?

4/ The soldier slamming the end of his rifle into disguised Deadpool’s jaw.

SFX: WHAK

5/ Disguised Deadpool glaring up.

CAPTION(Deadpool): Note to self. Cadneria is not only host to whores that steal guns, but very rude soldiers, who need their spleens torn out by spatulas. On fire. While I record it, for science.
CAPTION(Deadpool): And youtube. Mostly youtube.

Page 5

1/ Overhead view of the jeep, stopped. The area is now mostly forest, the jeep being in the middle of a dirt road. The jeep is empty except for disguised Deadpool and the Cadnerian Captain.

CAPTION: REST STOP, 15 MINUTES LATER
CAPTION(Deadpool): You’re probably wondering. “Why are they speaking English if we’re in South America?” Well, I’m a multi-lingual. Really. I can ask where to go for the bathroom and everything.
CAPTION(Deadpool): I’d say that was the case…. But the only language anyone’s talked to me here so far is good ol’ English.

2/ Back view of the Cadnerian Captain.

CADNERIAN CAPTAIN: I know it’s you, Deadpool.

3/ Disguised Deadpool.

DEADPOOL: Was it that obvious?

4/ Side view of the two staring at each other.

CADNERIAN CAPTAIN: Sargent Crunch gave it away.
DEADPOOL: Funny how “master of disguise” doesn’t really mean “master of acting”.
CADNERIAN CAPTAIN: You’re neither.
DEADPOOL: Aw, now my feelings are hurt.
CADNERIAN CAPTAIN: What are you planning?
DEADPOOL: Didn’t you see my tweet? I’m planning #EpicVengeance!

5/ Cadnerian Captain, perplexed.

CADNERIAN CAPTAIN: And how do you think you’ll do that?
DEADPOOL: Easy!

6/ Same shot, but now the Captain’s face is basked in a red light.

NO DIALOGUE

Page 6

1/ Deadpool lifting his mask to show his hideously scarred face, sticking his tongue out.

DEADPOOL: OOGA BOOGA!!!
CADNERIAN CAPTAIN: AGH!!

2/ Deadpool’s hands ripping the cuffs apart.

NO DIALOGUE

3/ Deadpool’s free hand reaching for his belt buckle.

NO DIALOGUE

4/ Pan out. Deadpool is shoving his buckle onto the Cadnerian Captain’s chest! Deadpool is putting his mask back down.

DEADPOOL: Guess where YOU’RE going?
CADNERIAN CAPTAIN: WHAT—

5/ Deadpool still sitting there, but the Cadnerian Captain has disappeared. Teleported by the belt buckle.

DEADPOOL: SPACE!

6/ Deadpool looking up toward the sky, giving the sky the middle finger.

DEADPOOL: SSSSSSSPPPPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAACEEEEEEE!!!!

Page 7

1/ Splash Page/ The Cadnerian Captain with Deadpool’s belt buckle floating in front of his chest. He’s in Earth orbit. Dead. His face has basically exploded. Or whatever happens to you in space without a suit.

CAPTION: SPACE
SUB-CAPTION: (SSSSSSSSSSSSSPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCEEE!!!!!!)

Page 8

1/ Deadpool kicking back and pressing his ears to his comm.

DEADPOOL: Weas good buddy, that was IMPECCABLE improvisation.
WEASEL: That and you sent me a text saying “Set the ‘port for space”.
DEADPOOL: I don’t even have my phone with me.

2/ Weasel in his command center, with a visible bucket of popcorn.

WEASEL: Yes you do. It’s inside your suit so you can whip it out anytime you need--
DEADPOOL: Don’t make me say it.
WEASEL: ….
WEASEL: That’s what she said.
DEADPOOL: BURN!

3/ Same shot.

WEASEL: So, how are you gonna get to the capital now? Are those soldiers STILL on break?
DEADPOOL: Actually, they’re coming back now. Captain McDeadFace told them to leave us alone. Presumably because he didn’t want his men to start shivering in fear at my awesome might.
WEASEL: What’s this plan of yours, anyway?

4/ Profile view of Deadpool, starting to sit up.

DEADPOOL: I like to call it…

5/ Deadpool turning to face the reader. A new disguise is appearing from his image inducer, covering him and making him look like the Cadnerian Captain.

DEADPOOL: Operation “Oh, Sh*t”.
CAPTION(Deadpool): YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Page 9

1/ Disguised Deadpool standing in the jeep and looking toward the squad, who are just a few feet away, coming back.

WEASEL: You do realize that was your only teleport?
DEADPOOL: Aside from Bea, smartass. And her teleport is linked with her tracer.
WEASEL: … Wow. You really DID think this one through.
DEADPOOL: I amaze even myself sometimes.

2/ Overhead view, everyone packed back into the jeep. Disguised Deadpool is pointing north.

DEADPOOL: Onward to the capital!
DRIVER: Sir!

3/ A high tech prison cell. Scavenger is sitting on the floor. The walls are white and the floor is white.

SCAVENGER: Victor. Victor. I’ll avenge you.

4/ Profile view of Scavenger looking up.

SCAVENGER: I’ve already started it Victor. He shot you through the chest so now I’m going to tear his heart out. Taking his most precious weapon. Oh Victor. I miss you.

5/ A guard looking through a slot in the wall.

GUARD: Shut it, Scavenger. Deadpool’s been taken care of. Your plan failed.

6/ Scavenger’s eyes, glaring.

SCAVENGER: WHAT?!

Page 10

1/ Disguised Deadpool speaking into a walkie talkie connected to the jeep, as they’re still moving.

DEADPOOL: That’s right! Deadpool is terminated!
CHAIRMEN: Excellent news, soldier! Have the morgue burn his carcass immediately!

2/ Same shot.

DEADPOOL: The morgue?
CHAIRMEN: Soldier?
DEADPOOL: Right, the morgue! Apologies, sir- he got me on the noggin hard.
CHAIRMEN: No worries. Now hurry up!

3/ Same shot.

DEADPOOL: Sir, yes sir!

4/ Disguised Deadpool looking down at a soldier sitting next to the driver.

DEADPOOL: Soldier, pop quiz!
SOLDIER: Sir?
DEADPOOL: Why does this country have only ONE MORGUE, soldier? No one references “The local morgue”. Just “THE MORGUE”. TELL WHY, SOLDIER.

5/ The soldier telling.

SOLDIER: Because Cadneria only has one morgue sir, there isn’t need for another, sir!
DEADPOOL: And that’s BECAUSE OF WHAT, SOLDIER? IS CADNERIA A COUNTRY, OR NOT!?

Page 11

1/ Side view, the soldier facing Disguised Deadpool.

SOLDIER: NO SIR, CADNERIA IS NOT A REAL COUNTRY, SIR.
DEADPOOL: AND EXPLAIN WHY.
SOLDIER: MAY I ASK WHY, SIR?

2/ Disguised Deadpool aiming a pistol down at the soldier’s head. A large capital building is visible in the background of the area the Jeep is headed.

DEADPOOL: BECAUSE I WANT MY SOLDIERS INFORMATION CRYSTAL AND PRECISE IN THEIR HEADS. I WANT MY SOLDIERS TO KNOW EVERY DETAIL OF EVERY DETAIL THAT THEY KNOW. BEST WAY IS REPETITION.
DEADPOOL: NOW—START—TALKING!!!

3/ Disguised Deadpool looking over.

DRIVER: SIR! We’re here!
DEADPOOL: … We’re done here, soldier.

Page 12

1/ Deadpool’s disguise bursting off with a flash of light, he’s jumping out of the jeep and flipping in the air, tossing active grenades behind him.

DEADPOOL: YOU GUYS WERE ALRIGHT, YKNOW!
CAPTION(Deadpool): Screw getting info from the feebs. Get it from the big wigs!

2/ Deadpool landing on one knee, with the jeep violently exploding behind him.

SFX: BOOOM
DEADPOOL: TA-DAAAAA!!!
DEADPOOL: (Whores.)

3/ The chairmen sitting inside at the command center, glaring at a security screen coming from the central hologram. It’s a view of Deadpool running toward the capital building.

CHAIRMAN: DAMMIT. GET THEM READY! HE CAN’T MAKE IT HERE!
CHAIRMAN 2: THE JETS WON’T EVEN BE READY FOR ANOTHER--
CHAIRMAN: I KNOW!!

4/ Closer up on the hologram of Deadpool.

CHAIRMAN: INCAPACITATE HIM!!

Page 13

1/ Back view of Deadpool running up some cliché capital steps.

DEADPOOL: So, apparently, this place is TOTALLY FAKE, WEASEL!
WEASEL: I was there.
DEADPOOL: Shut the f**k up.

2/ Same view, except now two UNPDS robots are blocking the way to the main doors. These robots aren’t so hilariously labeled as the ones from the United Nations, though.

DEADPOOL: Shinnola.
UNPDS 1: STAND DOWN, DEADPOOL.
DEADPOOL: Why would I?

3/ Front view of Deadpool, now brandishing twin katanas in an X shape.

DEADPOOL: This is the FUN part!

4/ The inside of the chairmen’s room, they’re watching the hologram. The image shows a close up of the blade of Deadpool’s katana.

SFX: SHINK

5/ Deadpool standing on a toppled UNPDS bot, the katana going through the face, and blood clearly leaking out. He’s holding his other katana up proudly, pretty much posing. The other bot is rushing at him.

DEADPOOL: Sending these poor, stupid soldiers to their DOOM against me?! Why, Cadneria! YOU CADS!

Page 14

1/ Deadpool is ambushed from behind by the UNPDS bot, tackling into him.

DEADPOOL: SURPRISEBUTTSEX

2/ The UNPDS bot slamming down HARD into the ground down below the stairs, kicking up some debris.

SFX: WHAM

3/ Closer up on the UNPDS’s back.

NO DIALOGUE

4/ Same shot. Except now Deadpool’s katana is bursting up, covered with blood.

SFX: SHINK
CAPTION(Deadpool): “SNIKT” can kiss my mutilated ass. “SHINK” is the new “BAMF”, baby.

Page 15

1/ The front of the bot, Deadpool squirming his way out.

DEADPOOL: Awkwardawkwardawkward…

2/ Profile view of Deadpool looking up.

DEADPOOL: …

3/ The front of the bot, Deadpool is prone, having just crawled out. And now he’s surrounded by Cadnerian soldiers, all aiming weapons at him.

DEADPOOL: Crap on a stick.

Page 16

1/ The chairmen’s inner room. The hologram shows Deadpool’s face.

CHAIRMAN: FIRE! OPEN FIRE!!!

2/ Close up of the barrels of the guns.

NO DIALOGUE

3/ Deadpool’s eyes.

CAPTION(Deadpool): That awkward moment when I realize that I still totally have a healing factor. Which, of course, doesn’t negate pain.

Page 17

1/ Splash Page/ Deadpool as he’s being shot at by the firing squad, his body exploding with blood.

SFX: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BRAKA BRAKA BRAKA BLAM BLAM BLAM

Page 18

1/ Splash Page/ Black.

Page 19 And Page 20

1/ Double Spread/ There’s a large, see-through cage. It’s rectangular shaped. Inside, we can see Deadpool on the right, and Scavenger on the left. Deadpool is just waking up, his costume torn to shreds, and looking toward Scavenger. Scavenger is smiling.

DEADPOOL: ….
DEADPOOL: YOU.
SCAVENGER: The name is Scavenger. How nice to finally introduce myself.
DEADPOOL: GUN.
DEADPOOL: STEALING.
DEADPOOL: WHORE.

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TO BE CONTINUED:Deadpool: Operation "Oh, S#@%!" #5 - (FINALE, Script)

PREVIOUSLY: Deadpool: Operation "Oh, S#@%!" #3 - (Script)

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I INVENTED ALL THE CHARACTERS HERE EXCEPT FOR DEADPOOL AND WEASEL, BASICALLY. I MAKE NO MONEY OFF OF THIS.