Why Green Lantern's Ring is Overrated

It's said that a Green Lantern's Ring is one of the most powerful objects in the universe. It's limited only by its bearer's willpower. I'm calling BS on that. Why, you ask?

Because it can't make me a hoagie.

And that's what I want right now. A hoagie. Nothing fancy, just an Italian combo. And that is a feat that Green Lantern's ring simply cannot do. The ring can make me a green construct that looks like a hoagie. But it can't make me an actual hoagie. Green ham? What is this, a Doctor Seuss book? Green cheese? Not on my sammich! What do you mean the lettuce would only exist if he was concentrating on it? And if you think green bread is going anywhere but the garbage can, you have another thing coming.

This is all I want.

Green Lantern's defenders will say that his ring can bring the hoagie ingredients to me, but so can Fresh Direct and no one is calling their truck the most powerful object in the universe.

It's fitting that the Green Lantern movie had a tie-in with Subway. They can't make a decent sandwich either. I said it.

Inability meets incompetence.

Sure, his ring can save the world, but can it feed the hungry?

40 Comments
40 Comments
Edited by DaveT

I'd go further and say Hal Jordan much like the "sandwich artistans" at Subway probably can't make a sandwich to save his life. If I had a Green Lantern make me a hoagie it would be Guy Gardner. That dude owned a bar/restaurant so he knows his way around the kitchen. Plus, he is from Baltimore. I mean, come on, Coast City? Do you think there are even good rolls in that city?

Posted by Renchamp

This is the funniest blog I've read in a while. It's fresh, but not Subway fresh. And now I'm hungry...

Moderator
Posted by JJ62

Haha, I want one too.

Posted by Timandm
@impossibilly: First of all... I want a freaking Hoagie now....
 
Secondly...  The power ring can't make a sandwich?!  Really?  It can make a race car, jet, space craft, giant drill, body armor, snow plow, catapult, fire trucks that shoot a green water like substance, but it can't make a sandwich?!!?    I'm guessing someone just doesn't have the WILL!!!!
Posted by Dabee

You are forgetting one key point. At Subway, they don't make the sandwiches. You do.

Posted by DaveT

@Dabee: Haha. If you're talking about choosing what low quality food items to put on your sub you are right. But the "Sandwich Artistans" are still the hands that are slopping it on your sub. I think that is part of Subway's advertising campaign, right? "Make it your own" or something? Which is pretty funny because most every sandwich shop lets you choose your ingredients. That's like a burger joint advertising that they cook their meat patties.

Posted by RedQueen

It also has to be recharged... which I think is a huge negative.

But great blog :)

Posted by Timandm
@RedQueen said:

It also has to be recharged... which I think is a huge negative.

But great blog :)

" I " have to be recharged... sigh... Now I'm feeling like a huge negative... :-)
Posted by EdBlank

Like OP said: it can make a contruct that LOOKS like an all green hoagie but it would be hard light, not food. The ring can't make an ACTUAL hoagie.

Posted by impossibilly

@Timandm said:

@RedQueen said:

It also has to be recharged... which I think is a huge negative.

" I " have to be recharged... sigh... Now I'm feeling like a huge negative... :-)

But you can probably make me a hoagie, thereby making you superior to a Green Lantern ring.

Posted by DaveT

@EdBlank: But the real question is would you burn yourself eating a Green Lantern hoagie? Does the light also generate heat? I mean, I like the jalapenos on my sandwich but too much heat is too much heat.

Posted by Manwhohaseverything

Where I disagree the most is I like Subway. I like most fast-food. I am the only one I know that admits this. I wonder how all these places make billions of dollars, when I'm the only one that likes them. Much like I wonder how no one ever watched "Save by the Bell." Yet, somehow, everyone knows who Screech is.

Posted by Dabee

I just thought of another bad pun to make, forgive me:

Sure, the Green Lantern ring can't make you a hoagie, but it can sure make you a hero. Get it, get it? Gah, I hate myself.

Posted by impossibilly

@Manwhohaseverything: Equating Subway to Saved by the Bell is an insult to Saved by the Bell. Zack Attack is a national treasure! I don't know anyone in within five years of my age who didn't watch that. I wouldn't trust these Saved by the Bell deniers that you know. They may be foreign spies.

A better comparison would be comparing Subway to Nickelback. I think we can all agree that Nickelback is the worst, yet they sell millions and millions of albums with that Hulk Hogan sing-a-like front man.

In the hierarchy of life: Saved by the Bell > Subway > Nickelback.

Posted by SoA

@DaveT said:

I'd go further and say Hal Jordan much like the "sandwich artistans" at Subway probably can't make a sandwich to save his life. If I had a Green Lantern make me a hoagie it would be Guy Gardner. That dude owned a bar/restaurant so he knows his way around the kitchen. Plus, he is from Baltimore. I mean, come on, Coast City? Do you think there are even good rolls in that city?

you sir, just got a follow.

Posted by Manwhohaseverything

@impossibilly said:

@Manwhohaseverything: Equating Subway to Saved by the Bell is an insult to Saved by the Bell. Zack Attack is a national treasure! I don't know anyone in within five years of my age who didn't watch that. I wouldn't trust these Saved by the Bell deniers that you know. They may be foreign spies.

A better comparison would be comparing Subway to Nickelback. I think we can all agree that Nickelback is the worst, yet they sell millions and millions of albums with that Hulk Hogan sing-a-like front man.

In the hierarchy of life: Saved by the Bell > Subway > Nickelback.

Ah...I also don't hate Nickelback. I like some of their songs, and the only thing about Chad Kreuger that bothers me is he's going out with Avril Lavigne. (Or is that was..I dunno) I won't go so far as to say "I like them", but I can think of several worse bands. How about this. We all hate DC reboots and Marvel's "Annual Crossover Events" yet, they top the sales charts every time.

Posted by DaveT

@SoA said:

@DaveT said:

I'd go further and say Hal Jordan much like the "sandwich artistans" at Subway probably can't make a sandwich to save his life. If I had a Green Lantern make me a hoagie it would be Guy Gardner. That dude owned a bar/restaurant so he knows his way around the kitchen. Plus, he is from Baltimore. I mean, come on, Coast City? Do you think there are even good rolls in that city?

you sir, just got a follow.

Thank you sir. Thank you.

Posted by impossibilly

Zatanna could make me a hoagie just by saying "Eigaoh raeppa!" Because of this, Zatanna wins over Green Lantern.

@DaveT: Are Green Lantern's light constructs hot to the touch? I don't remember that ever being a case in the comics. Well, maybe Alan Scott's green flame, but that's different. I'd be more concerned about the taste of a light construct hoagie. I can't imagine it having any flavor at all. And the consistency might be like eating glass.

Posted by DaveT

If Zatanna used the words "Eigaoh raeppa!" I would not eat that hoagie. She'd need to get more specific with her spell. What's on the hoagie? Is this magical ingredients fresh? On top of that it would probably be Zatanna's favorite hoagie not my favorite hoagie. Zatanna might be able to make a great hoagie but not by how you described.

@impossibilly said:

Zatanna could make me a hoagie just by saying "Eigaoh raeppa!" Because of this, Zatanna wins over Green Lantern.

@DaveT: Are Green Lantern's light constructs hot to the touch? I don't remember that ever being a case in the comics. Well, maybe Alan Scott's green flame, but that's different. I'd be more concerned about the taste of a light construct hoagie. I can't imagine it having any flavor at all. And the consistency might be like eating glass.

Posted by Manwhohaseverything

Not sure I buy that a GL Hoagie couldn't be real food. They can make swords that cut, guns that fire bullets, and so on. Why not food that can be eaten? I don't recall that ever happening, but logically, it could. If the rings work off will power, and you will a hoagie, why not? Now, it many not look real good/appetizing, but no reason it shouldn't be edible. If you will it taste good, and have sandwich-like texture, then it should. After all GL brick walls are hard, GL pillows are soft. I'd think the only thing out of your control is the color.

Posted by lightsout

@Manwhohaseverything said:

Not sure I buy that a GL Hoagie couldn't be real food. They can make swords that cut, guns that fire bullets, and so on. Why not food that can be eaten? I don't recall that ever happening, but logically, it could. If the rings work off will power, and you will a hoagie, why not? Now, it many not look real good/appetizing, but no reason it shouldn't be edible. If you will it taste good, and have sandwich-like texture, then it should. After all GL brick walls are hard, GL pillows are soft. I'd think the only thing out of your control is the color.

An energy sword could still cut and an energy gun could fire energy bullets and get the same job done -- because those are inorganic & inanimate objects. That is, they could function the same but not be made out of the same materials. The sandwich would need to be made out of molecules that the human body can digest & turn into energy (and especially, not kill us), to be considered edible.

Posted by BlackReaper

But, Hal Jordan could make you one. Even faster when he's wearing the ring. The ring can't directly do it, but it can enable someone to. Therefore, the ring is most powerful because it can make the user the most powerful.

Posted by DaveT

Very good point. If a Green Lantern ring could create an actual piece of cold-cut turkey it could technically create a clone of someone. The Green Lantern ring makes light constructs not actual molecules.

But even if a Green Lantern ring could make an actual editable hoagie the user would have to keep up some level of concentration as it worked its way through your digestive track and well.... that's just gross

@lightsout said:

@Manwhohaseverything said:

Not sure I buy that a GL Hoagie couldn't be real food. They can make swords that cut, guns that fire bullets, and so on. Why not food that can be eaten? I don't recall that ever happening, but logically, it could. If the rings work off will power, and you will a hoagie, why not? Now, it many not look real good/appetizing, but no reason it shouldn't be edible. If you will it taste good, and have sandwich-like texture, then it should. After all GL brick walls are hard, GL pillows are soft. I'd think the only thing out of your control is the color.

An energy sword could still cut and an energy gun could fire energy bullets and get the same job done -- because those are inorganic & inanimate objects. That is, they could function the same but not be made out of the same materials. The sandwich would need to be made out of molecules that the human body can digest & turn into energy (and especially, not kill us), to be considered edible.

Posted by joshmightbe

@DaveT said:

I'd go further and say Hal Jordan much like the "sandwich artistans" at Subway probably can't make a sandwich to save his life. If I had a Green Lantern make me a hoagie it would be Guy Gardner. That dude owned a bar/restaurant so he knows his way around the kitchen. Plus, he is from Baltimore. I mean, come on, Coast City? Do you think there are even good rolls in that city?

I also doubt John Stewart would make you a sandwich also he'd smack the s**t out of you for asking him to.

Posted by lightsout

@DaveT said:

Very good point. If a Green Lantern ring could create an actual piece of cold-cut turkey it could technically create a clone of someone. The Green Lantern ring makes light constructs not actual molecules.

But even if a Green Lantern ring could make an actual editable hoagie the user would have to keep up some level of concentration as it worked its way through your digestive track and well.... that's just gross

Not sure I buy that a GL Hoagie couldn't be real food. They can make swords that cut, guns that fire bullets, and so on. Why not food that can be eaten? I don't recall that ever happening, but logically, it could. If the rings work off will power, and you will a hoagie, why not? Now, it many not look real good/appetizing, but no reason it shouldn't be edible. If you will it taste good, and have sandwich-like texture, then it should. After all GL brick walls are hard, GL pillows are soft. I'd think the only thing out of your control is the color.

An energy sword could still cut and an energy gun could fire energy bullets and get the same job done -- because those are inorganic & inanimate objects. That is, they could function the same but not be made out of the same materials. The sandwich would need to be made out of molecules that the human body can digest & turn into energy (and especially, not kill us), to be considered edible.

Gross, ooooor .....nope, that's pretty much it.

Posted by BlueLantern1995

@Renchamp said:

This is the funniest blog I've read in a while. It's fresh, but not Subway fresh. And now I'm hungry...

Edited by impossibilly

@joshmightbe said:

@DaveT said:

I'd go further and say Hal Jordan much like the "sandwich artistans" at Subway probably can't make a sandwich to save his life. If I had a Green Lantern make me a hoagie it would be Guy Gardner. That dude owned a bar/restaurant so he knows his way around the kitchen. Plus, he is from Baltimore. I mean, come on, Coast City? Do you think there are even good rolls in that city?

I also doubt John Stewart would make you a sandwich also he'd smack the s**t out of you for asking him to.

I bet if you asked John nicely, he'd politely refuse at the very worst. It's Guy I'd be worried about. He's the one with the anger management issues. But Guy is also the Lantern most likely to make you a decent hoagie. Such a conundrum!

Posted by joshmightbe

@impossibilly: I'm sure Kilowog could make an awesome hoagie since he's an awesome guy

Posted by DaveT

I'm sure Kilowog would put some kind of space slug in his hoagie.

I'm up in the air on how I think Kyle's hoagie making skills would be.

@joshmightbe said:

@impossibilly: I'm sure Kilowog could make an awesome hoagie since he's an awesome guy

Posted by joshmightbe

@DaveT: Kyle wouldn't make one because a trip to the fridge to get the lunch meat would give him a PTSD flashbacks

Posted by impossibilly

@DaveT said:

I'm sure Kilowog would put some kind of space slug in his hoagie.

I'm up in the air on how I think Kyle's hoagie making skills would be.

@joshmightbe said:

@impossibilly: I'm sure Kilowog could make an awesome hoagie since he's an awesome guy

It's been my experience that the further you get away from Philadelphia, the less likely you're going to get a great hoagie. I can't get a decent hoagie anywhere in San Francisco; I wouldn't trust one all the way from Bolovax Vik.

Posted by joshmightbe

@impossibilly: If he was shown how I'm sure he'd excel.

Posted by ThatGuyWithHeadPhones

Okay after reading all these comments I want a sandwich now but I don't have any money

T_T

Posted by impossibilly

@ThatGuyWithHeadPhones said:

Okay after reading all these comments I want a sandwich now but I don't have any money

T_T

Don't look for Green Lantern to help you.

Posted by DaveT

@impossibilly said:

@ThatGuyWithHeadPhones said:

Okay after reading all these comments I want a sandwich now but I don't have any money

T_T

Don't look for Green Lantern to help you.

I think you just stumbled onto another limitation of the ring. It can't make convincible fraudulent money.

Posted by KnightRise

Oh my yes!

Edited by impossibilly

@DaveT said:

I think you just stumbled onto another limitation of the ring. It can't make convincible fraudulent money.

If you're suggesting I should be upset that Green Lantern isn't able to defraud the US Government by counterfeiting money, you have another thing coming, pal. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Posted by DaveT

@impossibilly said:

@DaveT said:

I think you just stumbled onto another limitation of the ring. It can't make convincible fraudulent money.

If you're suggesting I should be upset that Green Lantern isn't able to defraud the US Government by counterfeiting money, you have another thing coming, pal. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Obviously his allegiance is to the Guardians O-A! O-A! O-A!

Posted by Bogey

Didn't Guy Gardner get drunk off his ring creating beer for him? I'm sure if you had a ring you could will for a hoagie.

Posted by impossibilly

@bogey said:

Didn't Guy Gardner get drunk off his ring creating beer for him? I'm sure if you had a ring you could will for a hoagie.

"I pity the fool who eats a green hoagie!" --Mr. T.