By gumflabica 12 Comments
Long, long ago, there was a city made entirely of cheese. The people too. The diversity of the different types of cheese represented the diversity of different races of people, the buildings represented their homes.
Our story begins with a man made of mozzarella walking home from work. a simple man, he never really thought about much other than his country, his family, and his job. "Ugh. My briefcase is starting to melt again." The man took a bite of his briefcase, causing bystanders to question the concept of cannibalism.
The man walked by an ally, when a gang of nacho cheese teens approached him, witht heir elvis impersonator ways and their twirly switchblades. "Easy mister, just hand over your wallet and whatever's in that half-eaten briefcase and everything's gonna go real smooth, ya dig?"
The man at first was afraid, but after hearing the words of the gang, he uttered a gentleman-like "What the f*ck?" Before smashing a gang member over the head. The already melty briefcase, along with the scalding heat of the nacho cheese, caused the briefcase to melt all over the boy's head and torso, burning him horrible and causing him to fall to the ground and writhe in pain.
"Sh*t man, lets get out of-" was all the second boy could utter before having his throat slit with the first boy's switchblade. Melted nacho cheese began to spurt everywhere, covering the shocked and frozen third boy. The fourth, unable to cope with the death of his friends, pointed a revolver at his head and blew chunks and melted cheese all over the alleyway, and the mozzarella man, who stared the third boy in the eye and whispered in his ear, "Don't f*ck with mozzarella." Before pushing him helplessly to the ground, into a puddle of his friend's remains.
The man continued on his way, happy as could be. It was like an 80's movie depicting the 50's, where everything was nice and cheery, not a worry in the world except for what fine meal would be on the table when you got home.
The man approached his house, and saw his Limburger Shepard run eagerly in the yard, pleased at his master's return. He yipped and panted, barked and cocked his head sideways, and yelped and snarled when the neighbor's Blue Cheese Pit Bull jumped the fence and clamped down on his neck.
Powerless to stop it, the pitbull's shaking broke the dog's neck, leaving it a partially metled mess in the yard. The dog, foaming cheese at the lips like easy mac you left in the microwave too long, leaved at the man. The mozzarella man kicked the underside of the dog's jaw, before delivering a solid punch to the side of it's head. He then tacked the dog to the ground, careful to get the dog into the right position. He sat atop the squirming dog, its legs sticking out at the sides. He grabbed along of the front ones, and pulled up towards him until they broke and snapped off, spurting blue cheese sauce about and giving him a sub-cannibalistic snack. He devoured the cheese sticks, before dismounting the near dead dog.
The wimpering annoyed him, so he stomped the beast's head until it was a chunky blue cheese paste on his sidewalk. The cheese splattered man then straightened his tie, and continued on his merry way, smile on his face, the world bright and nice around him.
He opened his house, and his family stared at him in horror......