Nobodies Fault But Your Own

Let’s face it, being a hero is a tough gig.

I AM A GIANT KNOB!

The job is mostly thankless, the toll on your personal life is unrelenting and the bill at the end for all those costume repairs nad public indemnity insurance is staggering. Many heroes are cursed to their situation, damned to being the protector of their people, their era by fate and destiny having a tango. Think of Ash from the Evil Dead series, destined to fight the Deadites when all he really wants is to share some sugar with a young lady of his choice until his dying day. Look at the fate of the Silver Surfer, poor Norrin Radd cursed to forever cruise the space ways alone due to his selfless act of heroism in the face of the cosmic tuning fork of doom, Galactus.

Yet, not all heroes are doomed to their cause, and let’s face it, a lot of them just make everything SUCK for the rest of us due to their heroic self appointment. So let us take a look at a few heroes and in one unified voice remind them that it’s NOBODIES FAULT BUT YOUR OWN!!!

BATMAN – Crime Escalation

Batman took on his mantle of fear as a means of fighting crime in the name of his murdered parents and ensuring that Bruce’s own horrific fate is not shared by others. Yet, how much good does the Batman actually do? How long has Bruce/Bats been policing the streets of Gotham? How many years has he attempted to eradicate crime, not form the streets of the world mind you, but just the streets of his own city? With all his billions, contacts, skills and detective skills, Gotham City seems to be in a worse state now than it ever has been and a big part of that is due to Batman himself.

Batusi? Piss Off.

How many psychopaths were there in Gotham before Batman showed up? How many COSTUMED psychos were there? A few, I will grant you, due to the presence of the original Green Lantern and the original Reaper and such, but nowhere NEAR as many hooded, masked and made up psychos willing to blow up half the city and pee on its remains since old Batface showed up. How many people you saved Batman? A lot? Good, because if you tally up the murders of all the psychos who have appeared because of you, you’re probably accountable as one of the greatest mass murderers of your time.

Let’s face it Bats, as a crime fighter, you suck.

SPIDERMAN – Uncle Murderer

With great power comes great responsibility. WRONG!

With cool spidey powers comes spending an incredible amount of time hanging upside dwon from ceilings and lifting cars above your head to impress the girls. But no, Peter had to go and ruin it all didn’t he? Desperate to make a few bucks (and I do mean a few) Peter becomes a pro wrestler, which is possibly why ninety nine percent of wrestlers become wrestlers also. Just like ninety nine percent of all wrestlers, Peter got screwed out of his earnings and whilst having a tantrum, lets a burglar go free when he could have stopped him. This burglar of course, then heavily ventilates Peter’s uncle with a pistol and Peter is forever cursed through guilt to be Spider-Man.

What a dick.

Hustle. Loyalty. Being a dick.

Still, it wasn't Peter’s lack of responsibility that lead to Uncle Ben’s death. No. It was his sheer lack of inspiration. Wrestling? Really? That was the best you could come up with, Pete!? And Spider-Man? Tell me, if you saw John Cena walking toward the ring to battle his newest opponent, The Spider-Man, would you be glued to your television set of would you hurl the nearest large, sturdy object at the tv screen hoping to end the pain? I agree. The latter I believe.

Peter, I think it’s a good thing your Uncle died of a gunshot wound, because if he hadn’t, the shame would have killed him in the end.

HULK – Emotionally unstable

The Hulk has long been labeled a monster, but let’s face it, the real monster here is Banner himself. Much like Frankenstein is truly the villain of his own particular malady, so too is the emotionally unstable world view of Dr. Bruce Banner. The Hulk is purely and simply and expression of Banner himself, the outward manifestation of his rage toward his father, the way he was treated growing up and his general resentment toward the world. I mean, for all the Hulks we have seen, there are many we haven’t (and i'm not making this stuff up), such as the ‘Guilt’ Hulk, the ‘Beast’ Hulk and the ‘Devil’ Hulk who represents the base hatred Banner carried around with him that wants to destroy the whole world.

Um, hello? Can anyone else say ‘Psych Evaluation?’

I have a PHD in being a CRYBABY!

Banner is a loon. I mean, can you imagine what have happened if the Dalai Lama had been irradiated? How much damage could the Incredible Llama do to the world? A buffed up super strong Buddhist is not nearly as scary an image as a pent up eternal adolescent with daddy issues now, is it?

No.

If the military, the government, the Avengers nad the breathing world really want to stop the Hulk, all they need is Bruce Banner and a crate full of ecstacy.

Problem solved.

THOR – Schmuck

How bad can things be in Asgard? Twenty four seven orgies of drinking, gorging, fighting and buffed and buxom wenches and fellas as far as the eye can see (which is quite far if you’re Heimdall). You don’t die, you don’t get sick and with nothing but the occasional Ragnarok to deal with your days can be spent sipping on a fresh brew of mead and skimming pebbles off Lokis’ massive cranium.

But no, this wasn’t good enough for Thor, was it? He had to strut around Asgard acting like an ass, so much so, that his Dad ended up kicking him out of home. Jerk. Do you have a teenager for a son? I do, and I know the temptation to do the same. Teenagers are hard work, man and when they’ve got a license to carry around a bloody great hammer with them everywhere they go, doubly so. Not only did Odin kick Thor’s mooching, couch surfing arse out of Asgard, he also turned him into a cripple. Okay, so, a little harsh maybe, but when you get home from a hard days godding and you find you find that your sons taken the last soda, has his hammer on the coffee table again and is still wearing that stupid winged helmet you told him to get rid of… well… we all have our limits I suppose.

Thor. God of annoying teenagers. I hate you.

22 Comments
22 Comments
Posted by cracker_jack

Twenty four seven orgies? Screw Disneyland, I'm going to Asgard!

Posted by _Zombie_

@cracker_jack said:

Twenty four seven orgies? Screw Disneyland, I'm going to Asgard!

Happiest place not on Earth, here we come!

Edited by Deadcool
  1. Batman: Ok, Why the Batman parents died? because they were walking in the streets of Gontham after a movie and they got killed, seriously in what kind of city they kill you for a pearl necklake and let a kid alone in the street crying? that city was horrible, and no, not all the Villains in Gotham are Villains because Batman, they were there even bofore Batman showed up, the Arkham Asylum was founded in 1900 for the Criminally Insane, and I am pretty sure that Batman wasn't there back then, the city were wrong a lot of time ago and damn! the Riddler wasn't even aware of the existence of the Batman he started to do his stuff, he thought that Batman was a myth; the ones that became villains because Batman are Hush, Bane (then he became an antihero) and the Joker, for some reason Gordon let Batman to do what he does and is because he does the right thing.
  2. Spider-man: You haven't read Amazing Fantasy 15, have you? The story of Spider-man in Amazing Fantasy 15 is divided in 2 parts: The first part tell you about a 15 years old clever boy called Peter Parker, his life and the origin of his powers, in this part he make himself known fighting against a wrestler, but he never became one, in the Second part he has his TV show, that is right he had a TV Show, and was in that TV show where Spider-man let the buglar scape just because it wasn't his job, days passed and Spider-man was FAMOUS AS F****, and a couple of days later, bang, his uncle is dead, killed by the same guy that he let scape because it wasn't his job, all Peter wanted is make his uncle Ben and aunt May happy forever, the reason that Spider-man does what he does is not just because the trauma of his uncle Ben, he does it because he is unaware of the posibilities, being responsible is being able to prevent the posibility.
  3. Hulk: He hasn't killed anyone, that is right, Hulk has destroyed buildings, trains, fighting against Superheroes,etc, etc , but he has never killed anyone as the Hulk, and Why does Bruce became the Hulk? Gamma Radiation? Yeah and also because he saved a poor kid in the middle of nowhere from that explosion exposing himself to that radiation.
  4. Thor:... I don't have complaints about this one... I hate teenagers

I liked the fact that you wanted to write something original, but damn... maybe I didn't get the joke, but all the facts posted in the OP aren't true at all.

Posted by Steps

Damn you Morgan Ducard, it's all your fault.

Posted by feebadger

@Deadcool said:

  1. Batman: Ok, Why the Batman parents died? because they were walking in the streets of Gontham after a movie and they got killed, seriously in what kind of city they kill you for a pearl necklake and let a kid alone in the street crying? that city was horrible, and no, not all the Villains in Gotham are Villains because Batman, they were there even bofore Batman showed up, the Arkham Asylum was founded in 1900 for the Criminally Insane, and I am pretty sure that Batman wasn't there back then, the city were wrong a lot of time ago and damn! the Riddler wasn't even aware of the existence of the Batman he started to do his stuff, he thought that Batman was a myth; the ones that became villains because Batman are Hush, Bane (then he became an antihero) and the Joker, for some reason Gordon let Batman to do what he does and is because he does the right thing.
  2. Spider-man: You haven't read Amazing Fantasy 15, have you? The story of Spider-man in Amazing Fantasy 15 is divided in 2 parts: The first part tell you about a 15 years old clever boy called Peter Parker, his life and the origin of his powers, in this part he make himself known fighting against a wrestler, but he never became one, in the Second part he has his TV show, that is right he had a TV Show, and was in that TV show where Spider-man let the buglar scape just because it wasn't his job, days passed and Spider-man was FAMOUS AS F****, and a couple of days later, bang, his uncle is dead, killed by the same guy that he let scape because it wasn't his job, all Peter wanted is make his uncle Ben and aunt May happy forever, the reason that Spider-man does what he does is not just because the trauma of his uncle Ben, he does it because he is unaware of the posibilities, being responsible is being able to prevent the posibility.
  3. Hulk: He hasn't killed anyone, that is right, Hulk has destroyed buildings, trains, fighting against Superheroes,etc, etc , but he has never killed anyone as the Hulk, and Why does Bruce became the Hulk? Gamma Radiation? Yeah and also because he saved a poor kid in the middle of nowhere from that explosion exposing himself to that radiation.
  4. Thor:... I don't have complaints about this one... I hate teenagers

I liked the fact that you wanted to write something original, but damn... maybe I didn't get the joke, but all the facts posted in the OP aren't true at all.

Ummmm, well i was aiming for a slightly cynical, hopefully humorous tone to the piece but, DAMMIT DEADCOOL, i like the cut of your strides and your incredibly serious but well informed attitude towards comics! But in the interest of fairness, let me answer some of your points;

1. I have no doubt that the city of Gotham has always had its problems, but of the super powered/costumed psycho variety? That has escalated ever since Bats appeared, there is no arguing that point. The Reaper was around in the 50's and didn't have to deal with NEARLY as crazy a breed, nor did Alan Scott when he was fighting crime there. Like breeds like and, let's face it, Batman is a costumed psycho himself. Just because a mental health facility was built in the 1900's does not necessarily mean it was filled with colourfully garbed psychos then. It sure does now though, huh?

2. I have indeed read Amazing Fantasy 15 but if i start to go into the fact that Spidey was on a tv show AS WELL as flirting with the wrestling industry then we're gonna be here for a month at least. I HAVE A LIFE YOU KNOW! But let me just say that the real reason peter is Spidey is to live down the shame of his aborted wrestling career and to make amends for the Clone Saga. Period.

3. I never said anything in the article about the Hulk having killed anyone. I also never disputed that Bruce was a hero. What i did say though was that Bruce was a sissy crybaby with major daddy and aggression issues. I stand by those comments and Bruce? He stands near the box of Kleenex for when he's gonna squirt some.

4. Agreed.

Love your passion and your knowledge Deadcool and you can criticize my pieces anytime.

Posted by Deadcool

@feebadger said:

Ummmm, well i was aiming for a slightly cynical, hopefully humorous tone to the piece but, DAMMIT DEADCOOL, I like the cut of your strides and your incredibly serious but well informed attitude towards comics!

Thankyou, I feel honored.

But in the interest of fairness, let me answer some of your points;

1. I have no doubt that the city of Gotham has always had its problems, but of the super powered/costumed psycho variety? That has escalated ever since Bats appeared, there is no arguing that point. The Reaper was around in the 50's and didn't have to deal with NEARLY as crazy a breed, nor did Alan Scott when he was fighting crime there. Like breeds like and, let's face it, Batman is a costumed psycho himself. Just because a mental health facility was built in the 1900's does not necessarily mean it was filled with colourfully garbed psychos then. It sure does now though, huh?

2. I have indeed read Amazing Fantasy 15 but if i start to go into the fact that Spidey was on a tv show AS WELL as flirting with the wrestling industry then we're gonna be here for a month at least. I HAVE A LIFE YOU KNOW! But let me just say that the real reason peter is Spidey is to live down the shame of his aborted wrestling career and to make amends for the Clone Saga. Period.

3. I never said anything in the article about the Hulk having killed anyone. I also never disputed that Bruce was a hero. What i did say though was that Bruce was a sissy crybaby with major daddy and aggression issues. I stand by those comments and Bruce? He stands near the box of Kleenex for when he's gonna squirt some.

4. Agreed.

Ok, Lets see.

  1. Yeah but they would exist anyway, doing the same stuff that they do but without suits, Batman just gave to them a reason to use a suit, that is all that I am able to add to the disscussion.
  2. Well, if he earned money being Spider-man then he wouldn't be, well, ethical, I mean where is the selfless act of it?
  3. Yeah but you wrote about it as if it were a bad thing, if the Hulk has never killed anyone and he actually saves the people by fighting the monsters he usually fight with then is ok to him to be a sissy crybaby, that also is the "strongest there is".
  4. Good.

Love your passion and your knowledge Deadcool and you can criticize my pieces anytime.

Comicbook knownledge is not good knownledge but thanks anyway, and thanks for let me criticize your work.

Posted by feebadger

@ZombieBigfoot: @cracker_jack: Steady on lads, you've got to get past Heimdall first.

@Deadcool said:

Comicbook knownledge is not good knownledge but thanks anyway, and thanks for let me criticize your work.

Why do you think comic book knowledge is not good knowledge, Deadcool? Just curious as to why you said that.

@Steps: If Ducard had only slipped on a banana peel in a bathtub all those years ago, Gotham would be safe. DAMN YOU DUCARD! DAMN YOU BANANA PEEL!

Posted by Nova`Prime`

I don't think Banner on ecstasy would be a good idea, because then we'll have pleasure Hulk and I am sure that's scarier then any other Hulk, E.V.E.R.!

Edited by Deadcool

@feebadger said:

Why do you think comic book knowledge is not good knowledge, Deadcool? Just curious as to why you said that.

I would never save someones life or help someone with my comicbook knownledge, is just something that you know that would not help anyone.

Posted by feebadger

@Nova`Prime` said:

I don't think Banner on ecstasy would be a good idea, because then we'll have pleasure Hulk and I am sure that's scarier then any other Hulk, E.V.E.R.!

That is a DAMNED good point Nova Prime ~SHUDDER~ Rave Hulk would be even worse, all fluro shorts and loving everyone. Maybe we'll stick with HULK SMASH Hulk for now, at least until we get enough downers to take the edge off.

Posted by feebadger

@Deadcool said:

@feebadger said:

Why do you think comic book knowledge is not good knowledge, Deadcool? Just curious as to why you said that.

I would never save someones life or help someone with my comicbook knownledge, is just something that you know that would not help anyone.

I'm gonna challenge you on that one Deadcool. Keep an eye out for an upcoming blog on the subject. Ye've inspired me.

Posted by Deadcool

@feebadger said:

I'm gonna challenge you on that one Deadcool. Keep an eye out for an upcoming blog on the subject. Ye've inspired me.

I think that I know what are you thinking... I will wait...

Posted by Inverno

I love Thor but I found hilarious you calling him out for being a douchebag.

Posted by Avenging-X-Bolt

I disagree, most of Batmans enemies would have popped up whether or not he became Batman. Only a few exception such as the Joker and Killer Moth could be attributed to Bats and let's face it, even if they hadn't become the super villains they are now they still would have f%^d up eventually. As for the others that's kind of the point of there characters and they've each more than made up for it sense then. Spider-man had never tried to make excuses for what he did and has given up virtually everything to atone for it and it's not exactly like he forced the burgeler to kill uncle Ben last I checked HE could have made a choice too. This article is quite frankly douchey

Online
Posted by feebadger

@Avenging-X-Bolt: Your sense of humour is, quite frankly, douchey (is that even a word????) .

Posted by Avenging-X-Bolt

@Feebadger: no its not a word but that obviously won't stop either of us from using it. And for the record, I have no sense of humor. I had it destroyed along with my ability to love and see the color purple.

Online
Posted by feebadger

@Avenging-X-Bolt: Heheheh! Wait, is that the colour purple, the movie, or the colour purple, as in, the colour purple? I had my sense of Avenging X Bolt destroyed once, but it just keeps growing back ;P

Posted by Hawkeye446

Best. Thing. Ever.

They were all amusing, Thor though... That was the kicker.

Posted by ZEELLO

How exactly did Batman cause an increase in supervillain crime? By putting on a name and costume, he indirectly advocated villains to do the same? Is that really fair? Well... maybe. But even if that was true, Batman did not create the villains he faces. He did not create Bane, Mr. Freeze, etc.

Posted by kfhrfdu_89_76k

@Deadcool said:

"Hulk: He hasn't killed anyone, that is right, Hulk has destroyed buildings, trains, fighting against Superheroes,etc, etc , but he has never killed anyone as the Hulk, and Why does Bruce became the Hulk? Gamma Radiation? Yeah and also because he saved a poor kid in the middle of nowhere from that explosion exposing himself to that radiation."

Actually, I read from a site (Leaders lair) that he accidently killed a girl in one issue of Tales to astonish. I can understand though, why you didn`t know that. I bet that alot of Hulk-readers don`t, either.

Posted by MTHarman

It's a fact that nobody is perfect, but it doesn't mean that it should stop them from doing what is right.

Edited by Deadcool

@kfhrfdu_89_76k said:

Actually, I read from a site (Leaders lair) that he accidently killed a girl in one issue of Tales to astonish. I can understand though, why you didn`t know that. I bet that alot of Hulk-readers don`t, either.

Interesting, I will look for the issue. thanks.