Oh god we have a four way tie X_X
Also did you guy noticed that our voting order is just the direct opposite of our posting order? Weird.
Damn. Didn't get my edit in. Ah well.
Edit: I've posted twice in a row, and no one else has commented yet, so I'm editing my vote in here. Delphic, you almost had it, but the end threw me. It kind of anti-climaxed the whole thing for me. Batkevin', it was cute story- I liked the frozen fish sword snack- but you lost me with the Glee reference.
So voting for @impurestcheese. Liked your mermaids- especially the way they scared off the giant squids. :)
I'm really sorry about the anti-climatic ending. I really didn't get to end it how I wanted, because I ran into the word cap, and it probably didn't help that I tried to end the story in the Lovecraftian style of just describing my monsters as "indescribable" It probably didn't help that I've never truly read a single Lovecraft tale. It was a crap draft, but I'm glad you liked it up till then end.
You guys made this one extremely hard, because I honestly did like all of them.
@impurestcheese I'm really curious to learn more about "the Jaguar" and the Oceanid's. I'm really intrigued at what the culture of an Oceanid would be like.
@cbishop I enjoyed your characters, while Manjaro is interesting I am much more intrigued by just who, or what, the Queen is, and Heironymous, sounds like a character I would love to see in action. So I agree with the others in that I would like to see a series with these characters.
It was really hard, but in the end I have to give my vote to @batkevin74, because his story made me chuckle, and I like how it is honestly just so different from ours. Stephanie is just lovable (of course I mean she is a penguin :P) Also I could see this story appealing to a child, so that really gives it plus points in my book.
@batkevin74: You and I have worked together for a long time, and in a way I see the way you are going with the Sentry as I did with Corrupted. Seriously, in just two chapters, you have already, in my opinion, done better with Reynolds than I have. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to where you keep going. :)
Here's my entry for the CCC. Unfortunately it's not my best, and I don't have time to really edit, but I hope you guys like it.
The Old One
There is an old tale that many eons ago, before the old world there was a great divine being who saw the evil of the world, and as punishment he flooded the lands and all the evil in the world was vanquished. Only his faithful survived the great flood, and as a promise to his faithful followers he created a rainbow as a promise that he would never again end the world by water, but gods lie, and rainbows are nothing more than distorted light.
“Keep your wits about you my boy.” Altmun Zugain whispered to the young man next to him. “The old one could even be listening now.” Phillius Zugain did not need to pay much heed to his father’s words. He already knew that the ruins of the old world were dangerous. Normally they were ripe with mutants, monstrosities left over from a forgotten age, warped and changed from the time of the great tide. He did not believe in his father’s superstitious ales of the old ones; however, he instead dismissed them as exaggerated lore. Some of the men had claimed to have seen an old one, but many of them were only seeking to make themselves sound braver than they actually were. Tales of valor were only the delight of fools and children, and Phillius was no child and definitely not a fool.
These so called old ones, if they did exist, were nothing more than overgrown mutants. Nothing that could not be defeated without a firm resolve and a calculating mind. Phillius had no fear. He was the strongest and smartest of his age. Even the darkened ruins of the old world did not frighten him.
The hunting party was drawing closer to the black city, a series of towering structures that were hollow on the inside, and a maddening maze of what must have once been roads that ran in between them. The Black City was even said to have deep tunnels that ran beneath its surface and that place was where the hive of the mutants was hidden, and somewhere in that deep darkness was an old one.
It had been nearly an hour since they had past the Vigilant Queen. A towering statue of a crowned woman that guarded the pathway into the city. So far Phillius had not been a single mutant, let alone an old one. He thought he had heard calls, but a place such as this tended to evoke many strange sounds. It was important to not get jumpy.
Suddenly there was a loud scream coming from the left flank of the hunting party. Phillius twisted his body in the water, and strained his eyes to find the origin of the wails. Though his eyes had adjusted to the darkness that was typical beyond the walls of New Atlantis, but inside the Black City, as its namesake suggested, the interior of the ruins was another kind of darkness.
Finally he saw it. One of the men of the hunting party was fighting a strange and horrific creature. Phillius could just barely make out its black scaly skin, but its razor sharp claws on its hind and fore feet flashed in the darkness. Phillius swam with all his might, pulling his trident from the holster on his back. Then with one mighty thow he loosed the trident from his hand letting it speed through the water and with a sickening crunch the sharp points embedded in the creature’s back. With a loud roar, and a massive flailing of its body the trident fell from its back and sunk down into the dark.
Phillius felt a sense of dread come over him. That had been his hardest throw. There had been strength in such an attack that normally killed a Lion Shark with ease. This monstrosity just shook the attack off. The trident had barely broken its hide. That could have been the only way the trident would have fell out of the wound so easy. The creature turned on him, and Phillius drew his sword waiting for the imminent attack. The attack never came though. The mutant merely glowered at him, and flashed its teeth as it snarled. Then as if afraid it swam off into the darkness of the ruins.
Phillius swam to his fallen comrade, seeking more to see what the mutant had done rather than if the soldier was alive. Once he made it Phillius was immediately repulsed. The creature had gutted the man. The water was turning a shade of crimson, but despite all that Phillius could make out the man’s entrails as they unraveled, and the white glint of bone as it protruded broken and angled out of the flesh.
Something sped past him and up to the top of the structure that towered over him. It was the mutant. It looked down at him one last time then turned its head upward as it let out a loud shreicking wail, that rungen he first heart it, it sounded like children laughing, but it grew louder and louder and began to resemble the sound of an entire heard of whales dying. Crying out as they were devoured slowly.
Then out of the blackness they emerged. Thousands of mutants, all like the one he had just seen. Phillius felt fear creep up within him. The Atlantean horns of war began to sound as two more Atlantian soldiers took to his left and right and held their tridents forward and began to chant.
“Akh Ma Za Dun Na Hyah” They were preparing barrier the spells. Ancient weapons given to the Atlanteans to fight the old ones. His own weapon long gone Phillius turned and removed the trident from the carcass of the dead Atlantean and turned toward the approaching horde. Rising his weapon Phillius cried out with the others
“Akh Ma Za Dun Na Hyah!”
A bright light emerged from the tip of the trident forming a barrier separating Phillius from the monsters. The multitude of mutants crashed into him pushing him to the limits of his will to hold the barrier in place. This was a disaster. There was no way to fight this. The most they could hope for was to survive.
Then came the loud screams and then garbled wails as the Atlanteans to his sides failed to hold their barriers and were swallowed up by the monstrosities that surrounded them. Phillius pushed harder to hold the barrier partially out of will to survive and out of the fear of dying. Off in the distance he heard the battle cries of his father, and shifted his gaze long enough to see his father, the brave warrior Altmun Zugain, strike down mutant after mutant.
“Is this all you possess old one! Your minions do not frighten me! See as they fall at my feet! Come you great bastard! Face Me!”
His father the brave and inspirational leader. Even in the face of overwhelming odds. His father’s smile and laughter echoed through the water, almost sounding like the cries of a madman. In some ways it unnerved Phillius, because everything was telling him that they needed to run. What sort of slaughter had the Altmun lead them into?
Then he saw it. He tried to scream out for his father, but it was too late. The mutant had swam up behind his father and sunk its claws and teeth into his back and shoulders. Then another came, and another, and another. All chewing, gnawing, and ripping. Phillius watched in horror as his father was devoured. Then finally one mutant grabbed his father’s head on both sides and with on wrench separated the Altmun’s head from his spine. The mutant held the severed head high screeching out a cry of victory.
Now all was lost. The Altmun was dead. His father was dead, and so were the company of soldiers that had travelled with the into the Black City. Now he was all that was left surrounded by a seemingly infinite army of mutants. All awaiting to devour his flesh. Perhaps he should just loose the barrier that separated them. Just let it all end. There was no escape.
He let go, and awaited the end. He waited and waited and waited. It never came though. Had it happened that fast? So fast he never even felt it? No, It couldn’t be. He was still alive.
Phillius Zugain opened his eyes and from the moment he saw it he knew that hell would be in living. There were no mutants, no Black City, no infinite Sea, surface, sky or stars. There was only it. The Old One. It towered above. Stretched out into infinity. A completely indescribable horror.
It glared at him. The glow of its eyes ripped and pierced at his soul. He tried to scream but he could not. He tried to swim away, but he could not. It was just him and the Old One. Forever the Old God.
@jackjack390: Okay, several tips for you, but first I'm going to tell you what you got right. What you have here is an interesting concept, and if polished then you could have something really good.
Now on the parts you didn't get so well.
1) Most readers don't take you seriously when you write in script format. Dialogue is always good, but your readers want to be immersed in the scene. They can't really get that from a script, because a script is left largely up to the interpretation of a director and actors. Since there are neither, I recommend you being writing in a narrative format, and be sure to be descriptive. You want readers to like what you write, then they have to feel as if they are there in the scene as it takes place.
2) Your spelling needs looking at. It's something else that readers sometimes have issues with, more so than grammar. For example in your fic: Narrater is actually spelt: Narrator, and for toon in next time, it should actually be: tune in next time.
Work on these two main points, and I think you will be well on your way to having an excellent fan fiction story.
@batkevin74: I got to read this a couple days after it was posted, sorry just hadn't had a chance to comment.
Once again, good job. I don't really have anything to say in the way of criticism. I'm just enjoying getting to see where the story is going.
Use your keyboard!
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