Danial79's forum posts

#1 Edited by Danial79 (2346 posts) - - Show Bio

Finch was the one who brought me into Moon Knight's world, and his gritty detail is second to none, but since going back and reading Moon Knight's earlier series, I've developed a certain fondness and appreciation for Sienkiewicz's work.

#2 Posted by Danial79 (2346 posts) - - Show Bio

@veshark said:

Do you have any more technical foibles I should look out for when writing the next chapter? I have to admit that my writing style's a little different than usual on this one. My milieu is writing military science-fiction, which is mostly just technical jargon and long, gritty descriptions. For Moon Knight, I wanted to simulate the dynamism of a comic-book, so I tried to make every paragraph as 'snappy' as possible. Fill each sentence with texture while keeping exposition to a minimum in order to keep reader-attention. Basically.

The only other thing that took me out of the story was the dialogue, “Hkkk—Nggeeahhh—my! Head…!” It wasn't the dialogue itself, but the fact that I had no idea who was saying it. Because it stands alone, it's up to the reader to assume the speaker, and because I assumed it was the killer, when it's revealed to be Moon Knight in the following paragraph, my brief confusion was enough to take me out of the story—if only for a moment. I get that it's alone for impact, but you might want to consider attributing the speaker to avoid this. As for the style, it really had a pulpy, noir feel to it, which I really dug, so you did a good job on the genre switch.

@veshark said:

Do you have any thoughts to share on the story's content itself? Seeing as how you've read most if not all MK issues, you're probably the best person to ask. I was reading a lot of the old Marc Spector issues, and the thought occurred to me that many MK volumes are weak simply because they always write MK as just another street-level vigilante. The aim with this fic was to try and focus on the three things that I feel separates MK from his competitors: religion, disassociative identity disorder, and 'weird' crime ala Moench or Ellis.

It's officially "all MK issues" now, but I certainly had no problems with your story itself. I really enjoyed it. The concept of other Moon deities has been tossed around on these forums before (which surprises me that it's never been used in the comics), so I'm happy to see someone running with it. Which reminds me, I've got two Moon Knight stories floating around in my brain that I really should put to "paper" at some point... if I could only get off my ass to do so.

@veshark said:

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to not just read, but help improve this chapter, Danial. I really do appreciate it. ;)

No problem at all. It's always scary giving a critique (hoping you don't come across as a know-it-all jerk) but I've appreciated the times people have helped me, so I'm always eager to help others. I'm no professional writer by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm happy to share any knowledge I have acquired in my time. I look forward to reading the second chapter.

#3 Edited by Danial79 (2346 posts) - - Show Bio

@veshark said:

@danial79 Hey Danial, thanks for the constructive feedback. Regarding the technical problems: did you feel that I used too many ellipses or was it that I used them incorrectly? Could you maybe point to a specific sentence so I'll know what you mean? On ampersands: I found two uses in the story, which I'll edit out now. The one exception being the term 'A&B' (assault and battery), which, well I kinda have to use the ampersand there.

Maybe it was just the one stray ampersand. It must have just stuck out and caught my attention. As for ellipses, there's 44, which I personally would say is too much. As for their use, I'll give a few examples:

  • "Autopsy reports from the coroner; listing the details of the unlucky vics…names, DOBs, addresses." This one is a list, so should be a colon (you also don't need the semicolon in there, just a comma): "Autopsy reports from the coroner, listing the details of the unlucky vics: names, DOBs, addresses."
  • "The mark would tell himself, 'No way that fantasma’s gonna follow me all the way out here…'" This, to me, doesn't seem to be trailing sentence, so could just be a period. Same goes for: "the guy who’d been in the West Coast Avengers that one time…"
  • "How many bodies could be put on Hannigan’s head…all in the name of murder as commerce…Spector didn’t know." I think this instance could use either two em-dashes, or one and a question mark: "How many bodies could be put on Hannigan’s head—all in the name of murder as commerce—Spector didn’t know," or "How many bodies could be put on Hannigan’s head—all in the name of murder as commerce? Spector didn’t know." Depends on the effect you're going for.
  • And one last one: "This new man was an unknown variable; and unless Spector heard him wrong, he was also another disciple of the God of Vengeance. Or at least…he was claiming to be." This one just needs some shuffling in my opinion. Something like: "This new man was an unknown variable, and unless Spector heard him wrong, he was also another disciple of the God of Vengeance... or at least he was claiming to be." I also removed the semi-colon again. They're used for listing items and linking related clauses. An example: "Mike's gun of choice is the Uzi; Jake's, the AK."

If writing's something you're interested in, Wikipedia has plenty of info on all the different punctuation uses. Keep it up and good luck.

#4 Posted by Danial79 (2346 posts) - - Show Bio

I instantly skip any title with JRJr on art. I'm just not a fan at all.

#5 Posted by Danial79 (2346 posts) - - Show Bio

@veshark: Wow, that was great. Had a nice noir tone to it—which is something Moon Knight needs—as well as a good blend of action, mystery, and suspense. Very nicely done. As a writer myself, I felt that the only thing bringing it down were some technical issues, the worst of which were your use of ellipses and ampersands. To clarify, an ellipsis in prose is used to convey pause, usually for dramatic effect or tension: "In his hand was . . . a gun." It can also be used to indicate that a sentence is trailing off: "A presence I've not felt since . . ." An ampersand, on the other hand, is a short-hand symbol which really has no place in prose at all. You're plotting and character were top-notch, so I believe that once you sort out the technicalities, this will be one hell of a short story. Great job and thanks for sharing!

#6 Posted by Danial79 (2346 posts) - - Show Bio
#7 Posted by Danial79 (2346 posts) - - Show Bio

@jonny_anonymous: 3 times? When was the third?

He died in Sudan, and at the end of Marc Spector: Moon Knight, but it could also be said that he died during Scarlet Redemption, because it was never explicitly stated that he didn't.

#8 Edited by Danial79 (2346 posts) - - Show Bio

@danial79 said:

@jonny_anonymous said:

@daredevil21134 said:

@jonny_anonymous said:

@daredevil21134: I hope so to, Moon Knight deserves some long term success.

I wanna see him go to at least 50

That would be the dream, imagine Ellis writing all of them

I miss the days when one team stuck with a book. It certainly helped with consistency and continuity. I think that's why the original still holds up so well, because Moench and Sienkiewicz did 31 of the 38 issues. Even Chuck Dixon has a decent run on Marc Spector: Moon Knight (before Terry Kavanagh came onboard and ruined it).

Agreed, Tom Brevoort said that long runs aren't financially viable but that doesn't even make sense

Any length run would be viable if it was well-written.

#9 Edited by Danial79 (2346 posts) - - Show Bio

It's on your list, but this double-page spread is a better representation of his battle with Russell. Of every Moon Knight battle, I think this is my all time fav:

#10 Edited by Danial79 (2346 posts) - - Show Bio

@jonny_anonymous said:

@daredevil21134 said:

@jonny_anonymous said:

@daredevil21134: I hope so to, Moon Knight deserves some long term success.

I wanna see him go to at least 50

That would be the dream, imagine Ellis writing all of them

I miss the days when one team stuck with a book. It certainly helped with consistency and continuity. I think that's why the original still holds up so well, because Moench and Sienkiewicz did 31 of the 38 issues together. Even Chuck Dixon and Sal Velluto had a decent run together on Marc Spector: Moon Knight (before Terry Kavanagh came onboard and ruined it).