Batwoman, Inc.!
By Cervantes 4 Comments
As Barbara Gordon suits back up as Batgirl to take down the Joker, Kate Kane suffers an injury in battle against Alice. As Barbara reclaims the Mantle of the Bat...
Hey, who's that with the clip-on cape, pointier-than-usual ears... and whip?! And sporting a Power Girl-esque lack of decorum in the, ah, Bat symbol area? Is that Catwoman! I'm freakin' Oracle, and even I didn't see this coming!
SELINA: Well, hello to you too...!
(Stephanie Brown drops from the rooftops to Babs' side. In the darkness nearby, Cassandra Cain approaches.)
CASSANDRA CAIN: I'm speechless...
BABS: Cassie! You're back, oh thank God! You have no idea what I've had to put up with --
STEPHANIE: Hey!
BABS: - - uh, from the Calculator! Tech zombies, tech puking on me - and I'm not even kidding...
CASSANDRA: DC crammed me in a spiderhole like I was Saddam-freakin-Hussein! Finally escaped and - um, is she stripping?
BABS: Selina, what?! Wait 'til we get back to...well, your apartment.
SELINA: Way to blow my identity, BARBARA! And after I finally got the mask right... calm down, I was just finishing my adjustments...
STEPHANIE: Where's the Bat symbol? There's just an oval hole where it should be!
SELINA: Ye-ah. Well, see I felt all empty inside, and ah, I wanted to be like Batman, but I was kinda emo, so -
BABS: Yeah,thanks 'Power Girl,' I've heard it already! Wait, what's that over your Bat-belt? In the back? A BAT-TRAMP-STAMP!
SELINA: Well, Sugar, that's my "Batman, Inc." ink. Just temporary, 'til I'm done being a corporate sell-out...
STEPHANIE: I'm not sure that's what you're selling: a Batsuit should never show navel...
SELINA: Mm-hm, excuse me, Britney Bat, but I'm wondering where Bruiser got the black and red threads?
CASSANDRA: Batwoman made it when she was young; a Halloween costume for her - for a friend. She called me from the hospital, said she liked my combatives, wanted me to go back on active duty.
BABS: Welcome back, honey. We've got a lot of catching up to do. Right after Selina explains where she got the batsuit? Is it your costume, modified -
SELINA: Oh, God, no! I just stole one of yours from the Batcave!
BABS: You... penetrated the BATCAVE?!
SELINA: Hmmm, yes. It's defenses weren't the only thing I had my way with...
STEPHANIE: Well, no one said our Bat boss was a boy scout.
SELINA: Ooh, not Bat MAN, child; been there, loved that. Mmm, no... it's so hot seeing the Boy Wonder get his Bat on...
BABS: Dick! YOU TOOK MY DICK! NNNARRRGGGHH!
SELINA: Uhn!
STEPHANIE: Batgirl - Senior! a catfight at your age, you should be ashamed! You should... listen to me? Ca- uh, Black Bat, do something!
CASSANDRA: So can we make you Bat Teen and her Bat Girl, or are we doing Bat A and Bat B?
STEPHANIE: Making you Bat C? My head hurts... Selina, you slut, I can't believe you did the D- uh... Oracle kick her ass!
KATE KANE: Guess I'm the only Bat Woman here...
KATE: >>sigh<< No, dear, Grant's on acid again. I'll pick up my real suit before we get our brawl on. Speaking of which - ladies, can we set a better example for the next generation? Five more minutes of wrestling, then it's time for bed!
BABS: Hnh, hnh, hnh! Batwoman, they released you from the hospital?
KATE: Yes. And can you release Catwoman from the headlock?
BABS: How did you know she was --
KATE: Her build is distinctive. Why'd you let her use your costume?
BABS: I DIDN'T --
SELINA: I didn't know you'd need it! Besides, it was in one of those pneumatic tube things, like a demo. And you clearly have your own now - I think you could use me.
KATE: Ah...
STEPHANIE: War on crime and all... why not?
KATE: I'd love to see a new recruit... but this is Batgirl's decision to make.
STEPHANIE: Then it's -
KATE: Not you.
BABS: Fine. But after we take down Lady Shiva and Poison Ivy's operation I'm taking them both back.
SELINA: Both...?
BABS: The suit...and Dick.
HUNTRESS (from behind them): Aren't you forgetting something, Oracle?
HUNTRESS: The best Batgirl, next to the original, of course...
STEPHANIE: Hey -
BABS: Of course.
STEPHANIE (gestures toward Cassandra): Better than the Silent Warrior?
HUNTRESS: What part of 'best' don't you understand? Besides, now that she's hooked on phonics, a Black Bat is no match for a Bird of Prey...
STEPHANIE: Oh, it's on now...
CASSANDRA: You weren't a Bat long enough to even snip an ab panel in the costume! What can a pigeon teach me about combat?
STEPHANIE: Yeah, she puts the 'bat' in 'combat'!
CASSANDRA: Thanks, Steph, I've got this. Helena, if I need to slutten up my costume, I'll call you; until then, why don't you use that mouth on Catman?
STEPHANIE: Oh, snap!
BABS: Cassie! Shut up! Helena, I know you'll let this one go - our mission to get Shiva and Ivy is too important for revenge to --
HUNTRESS: NNNYYYAAAHH!
BABS: --oh, hell... Cassie, stop antagonizing her, Helena's been through enough already!
CASSANDRA: Yeah >>hnh, hnh, hnh<< you're right: like Dick...
BABS: @#$%!
KATE: Wait, Barbara! You don't want to--
BABS: It's Poison Ivy's chemicals.
KATE: You're saying Miss Ivy dosed us?
BABS: I just realized it. They're affecting your judgment, turning us against each other... They turn men into love slaves, but on us - uh, some of us - they heighten our aggression.
KATE: Hmm, sounds just like the devilish genius of our Ivy. Almost a match for our favorite redhead, that beautiful mind...
BABS: Ohhh no, she's in deep - are you about done over there?!
HUNTRESS: >>>hnh, hnh<<< almost... got her...
CASSANDRA: >>>hnh, hnh<<< you tiring, Bat Brat?
STEPHANIE: Come on, you two, if you keep fighting you'll both be losing - to Poison Ivy!
HUNTRESS: Oh, hell no - I'm not losing to Plant Princess!
CASSANDRA: That leaf-stroker's been smokin' too much herb if she thinks she can game me this way...
STEPHANIE: Where have you been hanging out since you left?
CASSANDRA: I'm sorry, Huntress - let's go kick Ivy's ass.
HUNTRESS: Me too, I'm s-- I'm so gonna kick her ass! And you can have Shiva; I know you two have... issues.
SELINA: Did I say I wanted to be a Batwoman? I think I'd be better off at Arkham!
BABS: You could back out, but you're going to have to face Ivy eventually - after what you did, I'd think you could use some back up.
SELINA: Well, maybe I could stay a while. Huntress, let's talk costumes - mine could use some alterations...
BABS: HANDS OFF MY SUIT!
SELINA: Still haven't shaken the chemicals? Okay, okay, no changes. And, Barbara?
BABS: Yes, Selina?
SELINA: ...it's good to see you back in action.
BABS: Thanks. Now let's get some action...
KATE: ...Demeter's daughter, a sultry rose among the thorns of a dark city...
BABS: Poor choice of words... Can someone help detox Kate?
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There you have it, true believers, DC's 53rd title: FEMME BATS! BATWOMAN, INC.! THE BATWOMAN SQUAD OF ALL NATIONS! BRUCE'S BATS! (Charlie's Angels? Anyone, anyone?) Are there any other Bats on the team I neglected?