What bk74 is explaining is the difference between your story being a documentary and a story. Let's put it in terms of animals. In an animal documentary (let's say lions) a documentary would be:
The lioness keeps to the high grass to avoid detection by her prey. The antelope is skittish of any sound which may indicate a predator, but continues to graze. The lioness makes her way stealthily, then crouches, waiting for the right moment. When she is ready, she pounces, surprising the antelope. The prey tries to run, but the lioness is upon him, clamping her jaws on the antelope's neck until the fight leaves it. Her cubs will eat today.
The young lioness Nala moves quietly towards her prey, her golden fur blending with the tall stalks of grass drying out on the plains. She has been hunting with the pride for only a year, but she now has the added motivation of the three cubs she recently brought into the world. If she doesn't bring a more enticing meal back from this hunt, Scar may eat them instead. So it is with the greatest stealth that she approaches the antelope near the watering hole.
Bok grazes happily, but his ears are warily attuned to the slightest sounds. At the first snap of a twig, or tell-tale rustle of grasses, or even the sudden quiet of all the birds in the area, he will flee with his herd. He hopes for an uneventful day.
Every paw Nala puts down is placed with great care so as not to make a sound. She keeps her head low, and her eyes never leave Bok as she stalks closer. Nearing the edge of the clearing, and therefore the end of her cover, she crouches, taut muscles tensed in anticipation of the right moment to strike. She thinks of her cubs, and realizes that there can be no better time than now. She pushes off with her hind legs, bursting from the tall grass.
Bok's head shoots up immediately as the lioness jumps out of the grass. Instantly, his meal is forgotten, and he bolts the same direction as the rest of the herd. He's terrified, knowing that she is too close, and today he will not be escaping death. He tries to dodge left, but feels the sharp sting of claws in his side, and then teeth at his throat. He tries to cry out for help, but finds that no sound comes. Panic and pain are his last thoughts.
Nala is invigorated with the taste of the antelope, and lets its warm blood flow into her throat. Once she is sure that Bok is dead, she lets go and licks the blood from her mouth. Tense from having to hold the thrashing body of the antelope, she yawns wide to stretch her jaw. Then she picks up the body by the throat again, and begins dragging it back across the plain to a shady tree where the pride awaits. She is flooded with relief, knowing that her cubs will eat today, rather than be eaten.
See- a documentary for the most part is just the facts. A story branches out more, telling you the names of the characters, giving more description, and even telling you their thoughts and motivations. You thought of this stuff, but you told it matter-of-factly like a ring announcer at a boxer match, rather than like a story telling itself. It's okay though- you got the idea out there. Making it more story and less documentary is something that comes with practice. :)
Log in to comment