Okay, so this is just a warm up. Are you ready?

That's right. PURPLE. PANTS.

Let's talk about them.

• they're purple
• they're pants
• they're stretchy and comfortable
• they make my butt look great
• heck yes, I want them

But oh, hey.

• they're $90 (PRO TIP: you can try them on for $0 at the mall and your butt will look awesome for 3 minutes)

So what does this have to do with comics? I told you, this was just a warm up...

THIS EXISTS.

GOLDEN. F'ING. HAMMER. Stormbreakerrrrrrr.

Let's talk about this hammer, shall we?

• it belongs to Beta Ray Bill, WHO IS AWESOME
• it's gold
• it's shiny
• it makes my butt look great (just kidding)
• it's way prettier than Mjolnir
• an Amazon reviewer claims that it is "the perfect size and weight" and "doesn't require polishing"
• I need it really really bad and don't think I could possibly live without it

BUUUUUT

• it's $400

Can you hear me weeping? I'm weeping right now.

Feel free to share your tips on discrete bank robbery or getting through life without purple pants and a golden hammer.