Do Me A Favour
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“The woman in the yellow and black jumpsuit is the most dangerous woman alive?” NSA director General Keith M Hayden scoffed as he peered into the holding cell where a redhaired woman in said jumpsuit sat handcuffed to the table. “Never heard of her.”
“That’s because you didn’t need to know until now,” replied CIA Director Jennifer Tainp as she relived him of the manila folder in his hands. “Eloise Mirabilis London aka The Salamander. Could be seventy years old, we’re not sure due to the illegal genetic tampering she underwent from one Professor Agnes Koletis.”
“Mirabilis?” General Hayden mused.
“It means wonderful in Latin,” Director Tainp informed him. “She’s had training by the Brits, Mossad, Spetsnaz, the Italian GIS, time in the French Foreign Legion, she’s a sociopath or if you’d like the updated terminology antisocial personality disorder, has regenerative properties, can emit a highly virulent toxin from her skin and saliva, is ambidextrous, bisexual, and violent.”
“So how come she was taken into custody at JFK without so much as a raised eyebrow?” Hayden asked.
“That is what we’re going to find out.” Director Tainp unclipped her gun, pepper spray, and ankle knife onto the nearby table as well as the pen from her pocket, phone, keys, lanyard, and hairclip.
“Is that necessary?”
“She’s probably uncuffed herself and armed with the chain that is supposed to keep her tethered to the floor. I’m not giving her any more weapons.” Tainp stepped out of her high heels, dropping down two inches and walked to the door guarded by two men in black tactical gear. “Nobody but me leaves that room, understood?”
“Yes ma’am!”
Director Tainp exhaled and spun the submarine style wheel on the door and stepped into the room. She could see the whole room, but it was an eerie feeling stepping into The Salamander’s presence. She’d watched the footage of two years ago when she stomped a man's head to paste in a nightclub in Prague.
“You must be the new head of the CIA?”
Director Tainp nodded. “Jennifer Tainp, James McAlpine’s replacement. What would you like me to call you?’
“You mean my pronouns?” She chuckled. “If you’re here to chat, Jen, then call me Eloise. If you’re wearing your CIA panties, then be professional and call me Salamander.”
“Why Salamander? Seems a strange choice.”
“Because Cobra was a bad Stallone movie, and Zenith was taken,” Salamander placed her still cuffed hands onto the table. “Good question though, coming at me sideways, you might not die horribly.”
“Is this your first time in custody?”
“No... but it’s been a long time between stints,” she smiled. “Does it bother you that you’re paid 60% less but do 40% more?”
“I agree with the 40% more but I had them update THE contract before signing on,” Jennifer slowly approached the table.
“No shoes...”
“Broke a heel."
“Married?”
“No."
“Haven’t found the right one...”
They then sat in silence looking at each other as General Hayden watched perplexed from the mirrored window. An aide walked in and handed the General a Aikon 8110 flip phone. “This is General Hayden.”
“Please stand by, the next voice you hear will be the President of the United States...General Hayden?”
“Yessir!”
“Do we have the Salami in custody?”
“Yessir!”
“How many peoples are there?”
“Myself, the CIA director, two marines, not sure about the above compound. Maybe fifty.”
“General, we have a Stealth Bomber inbound, going to drop a YUGE nuke-lee-ar bomb and wipe out the problem, okay.”
General Hayden gulped. “Is that wi...”
“BARRON! STOP DRAWING ON WASHINGTON! Kids...put Benton on?”
“Who sir?”
“CIA Director Brown, Latino looking, gimpy hand.”
“You mean...” Hayden looked into the room empty and a slag hole in the far wall. “Mr President sir, they’ve escaped!” He looked at the table as the pair of high heels started to beep ominously.
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Salamander and Jennifer sped away from the New Mexican military site towards Texas in the stolen jeep, hands entwined as several black vans pursued from a distance.
“Did you get it?” Salamander asked checking the rear-view mirror.
“While they were all freaking out that they had you in custody, I got access to all their intel. Couldn’t have done this if Obama was still in charge.”
“I’m so glad he’s Making America Great Again,” Salamander chuckled as she wrenched the wheel and sent the jeep off road. “We get into Mexico and hand this over to the Chinese embassy, then I think...Tahiti?”
“That sounds lovely,” Jennifer smiled as she assembled an RPG and turned towards the pursuing cars. Salamander watched in the mirror as four well placed rockets blasted the vans to smithereens.
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Salamander lowered her aviators as the shadow fell over her blocking the Tahitian sun. “Hello, Zenith.”
“Close...”
Salamander slowly sat up, took her mojito in hand and looked at the super criminal known as Nadir, standing there in a garish Hawaiian shirt, white shorts, and a Panama hat. “What do you want?”
“You’re going to kill my brother,” Nadir said as he took the mojito from her and sculled it. “After aquarobics of course.”
“Why don’t you?”
“Because we’re too evenly matched. And you’re a bitch. And I have Jennifer.” Nadir smiled and waved the empty glass at a pool boy.
“Yo...”
“Don’t do the cliches, please,” Nadir laughed. “You kill my brother, and you get Jennifer back. You don’t, you probably go to jail, and I kill your girlfriend. It’s not very complex.”
“Or subtle,” Salamander stood up and stretched like a cat. “Kill her, I don’t care. Do your own dirty work you lazy sack of genetic leftovers.”
Nadir watched as Salamander glided past her and dove into the pool.
“Anything else monsieur?” asked the pool boy with a mojito on a tray.
“You know how to convince a world class assassin into killing your brother?”
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