batkevin74's forum posts
@krypton-115: Not bad, don't mind a WW2-esque story.
Couple of things that you can do with as you wish.
1) If this is a diary, then you should almost be a bit more personal. You gloss over things (which isn't entirely bad) but since you make a point of saying this is told through Magneto's journal, implying that we are reading it after he's dead. Also you would'nt write 3 months later in a diary, you just pick up the action/next entry possibly saying "Sorry I haven't written.."
2) and left me with incredible powers. Okay I know Magneto and you know Magneto but since he's new and different you should really tell us what he can do, don't just assume. You don't have to tell us it in great detail just fill us in a bit.
3) Try putting some sentences together to form paragraphs.
4) I’ve found the resistance...was he looking for them? Again a bit of exposition could make this better. Also ties into Captain America's arrows and point two...
5) Write the next chapter please
6) Have you seen the Marvel Iron Age? Click the red, it may take your fancy
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I warn the burly bearded guy in his rat skin ensemble.
“Don’t worry,” he seethes “You won’t.”
The light goes out and well it’s kinda scary actually. Sound and motion all around bouncing off the concrete wall and I’m being punch and hit. I lash out but it’s dark and I’m panicking so I’m essentially flailing how five year olds fight. It’s really disconcerting being in the dark. I drop low and curl into a ball hoping that I’ll protect myself and avoid getting him. Sewer water covers me and it doesn’t help that it’s raining like someone wants Noah to build a boat!
“Where’d you go?” he asks, almost like something’s wrong. Like I’m gonna answer, it’s not Marco f%$#& Polo!
“I can’t see!” he pleads.
“Aww too bad you rat wearing mother ^&^%$#!” I say as I slowly get up out of the water. My skin feels tingling like pins and needles. Laying in running sewer water isn’t the most sensible thing but if it lets me keep my money and my teeth…
“I’M BLIND!” he roars, his cry echoing through the tunnels. I kinda feel sorry for him but he tried to jump me, so too bad. I sneak away as his crying and the rain cover my stepping. I feel my way and find a ladder and get up to the surface. I leap out of the manhole like a jack in the box and I see some white lights before it’s all black and I’m floating….I think I just got hit by a car…well I can’t be dead if I’m…
Oh I’m getting sick of this! This is the second time I’ve woken up naked, lying on a table with a tag on my toe! I get up and…holy $#!! My skin! It’s clear. Like, it’s clear! No grey, no pus, no nothing. My hands, my stomach it’s like I’ve been washed clean.
“&^% me!” gasps a voice followed by a cup hitting the floor.
I see an orderly. He’s young and shocked, well who wouldn’t be to see a dead guy walking around. I don’t care, I run over to hug him I’m so happy. In hindsight I can see why he screamed and ran into the wall knocking himself out…the whole blighty-zombie thing, especially in…I’m in a morgue. Last time was a weird government secret lab. I quickly lock the door and…my skin looks amazing! I feel awesome, refreshed. Okay, I need some clothes and to get out of here.
My name tag says Dean Geen, dumb name but I don’t care as it will do two things for me. One it’ll get me out of St Joshua’s and two, I may be able to steal some hospital grade drugs. The orderly I stuffed in a one of those wall vaults, he should be okay…I guess, what am I a doctor. I shuffle out of the lift and onto the…oh god I’m in the children’s ward. I try to get back in but two large black guys pushing a dinner trolley block me. I head for the stairs but I don’t know where I’m going and end up on the ward. This place is brightly painted death. Balloons, smiley faces and sick kids.
It’s a shrill kid voice that makes me jump. There’s a little girl, about five, in a fluffy pink dressing gown with skin that looks like a grilled cheese. I don’t mean to but I yelp.
“Yeah, I know…”
I feel like a total ^%$#! She’s a kid you homeless idiot. Up until an hour ago you had skin like her. “Sorry. I…I’m a giant d&^$!”
“Yeah you are.”
She shrugs “Nothin’!”
I place my hand on hers and WHAM! I scream, she screams and a minute later she’s got smooth beautiful burn free skin and I feel like a chainsaw is giving birth in my forearm. A nurse rushes over and steps in before losing her mind at the little girl. I barely keep track her ramblings; I’ve got my own problems.
“…alking to you!” she shoves me.
“Hey!” I grab her by the mouth and WHAM! I scream, she screams and the nurse now looks like the little girl did seconds ago. I look at my hand and then around. I’ve got an elated kid, a screaming nurse and somehow I’ve turned into magic touch Jesus!
To be continued…