batkevin74's forum posts

#1 Posted by batkevin74 (12839 posts) - - Show Bio

bumped

#2 Posted by batkevin74 (12839 posts) - - Show Bio
#3 Posted by batkevin74 (12839 posts) - - Show Bio
#4 Posted by batkevin74 (12839 posts) - - Show Bio

@orpheus_knightfall: A bit of editing goes a long way. Plus it tightens up that really vague bit on how he got captured, establishes his support characters a bit more and is easier to read. You'll get there, hell even I get stuck.

Go write part two, if you need some help just ask

#5 Posted by batkevin74 (12839 posts) - - Show Bio

@orpheus_knightfall: Here's an edit, do with as you will

A huge explosion sends me flying.

A blue-suited soldier runs at me, hefting a shotgun. I head-butt him and fire three bullets into his chest. I recklessly run into a maintenance corridor, and stagger back, because a bolt of plasma just ripped my arm off!

I shoot back, blowing his head off. I get to the end, and hit a wall…literally. “Ow…”

Now I’m lying on the floor, blood pooling from the wound that killed me, never even got to see my killer. My body dissolves in blue light, and I slam the computer shut! These First Person Shooters are really addictive.

Spinning around in my chair, I ride it into the kitchen and stick a toaster tart in the microwave. Finally, a frustratingly long two minutes later, I hear a ding, and grab the snack. Still chewing, I pull on my green hoodie, wrap my hands in that boxers tape and slip out onto my fire escape.

My phone is hooked up to the police scanner, and I flip the radio app on. {.. on 6th. ICPD on route}

Armed robbery, cool! I run, following the sirens. The wind feels wonderful on my face, blowing the edges of my sweatshirt as I roof bounce towards 6th. I arrive to a bad movie cliché; guys in dark suits, motorcycle helmets pointing guns while two of Indigo City’s finest are hiding behind their car.

I jump down and landing lightly on the cop car as my powers kick in.

“Who the &^## is that?” yells one of the cops.

The nearest guy has a twitchy trigger finger and swings his weapon my way. I dart in, slam his hands up as he fires a barrage into the street light, better it than me. I wish I could see his expression as I punch through his visor. Two of his companions run out lugging pillowcases stuffed with loot, I ponder for a moment if I have crashed the set of a movie but as they aim at me I decide it’s better I wreck a film than get shot. I scoop up their friends gun and hurl it; it smacks one in the arm and richochet’s into the other ones knee giving me time to close the gap and deal with them personally. It doesn’t take long.

By the cops stand up I’m gone ducking into an alley and back up a drain pipe to the roof. I check the app to see what else is going on. Fire on North. Cool!

An adrenaline junkie’s work is never done.

**

Detective Alex Mercer smacked the helmet off the suspect and jammed his gun up under the handcuffed man’s chin. “Tough guy huh?

Alex’s partner Jack Cloud approached Alex cautiously. “Alex. Alex. Put the gun down. He’s in custody.”

“Don’t care!” snarled Alex as he pressed the barrel hard into the petrified man’s jugular. “Wanna try that tough guy routine on me?”

“Alex, I get you’re upset but this isn’t the way. Besides if you’re going to do it, take him down the alley.”

Alex stared deep into the robbers eyes as he pressed harder on the mans throat. “My wife was in that shop you clowns decided to rob.”

“ALEX!”

Mercer shoved the robber to the floor heavily as he holstered his gun. “What?”

Cloud shook his head as his partner stormed off. “Keep this up and they’ll send you back to being a uniform.” Alex waved his hand dismissvley. Jack took his phone out, “Hello lovely wife.”

“Was it him?”

“No hi? No how is your day?”

“Hihowisyourday?” asked his wife rapidly and slightly apathetically. “Well?”

“Not sure,” replied Jack as he watched Alex kick the side of their unmarked car. “Vigilante definitely but not one we’ve seen before.”

“Quoll? Peacekeeper? Wind Chime?”

“If it was Quoll they’d be ripped to shreds. Peacekeeper, not her style. And WIND DUSTER would still be here, being the a show pony talking everyone’s ears off.”

“Let me know as soon as you do.” And with that she was gone. Jack sighed, it was hard having a reporter for a wife. Probably wasn’t easy for her having a cop for a husband.

“HEY ALEX! Stop kicking the car!”

**

I wake up facing a grey car roof.

Last thing I remember was going to that fire…then it’s a blur and my head hurts.

My arms are tied, and I lay on the back seat. I roll about until I get up to a seated position. I look out the window and, well I’m not on the road! I’m about fifty feet in the air at the junkyard, the cars being held up by the magnet they use to…crush cars. Oh this isn’t good.

I spy a woman in the crane booth. She’s wearing a dark catsuit, and holds a pistol in one hand. She waves.

I nod warily as he pulls up a large box with a large green button on it. She smiles and pushes it.

#6 Posted by batkevin74 (12839 posts) - - Show Bio

@impurestcheese: umm didn't you just post/re-post this as a 5th Column thing?

#7 Posted by batkevin74 (12839 posts) - - Show Bio

@afterthattardis: http://www.comicvine.com/forums/fan-fic-8/new-amalgam-universe-the-green-panther-1-659267/

Or Green Panther :)

#8 Posted by batkevin74 (12839 posts) - - Show Bio

@orpheus_knightfall: Welcome to the 5th, nice to see you're expanding beyond the RPG board.

Your first paragraph is visually horrible! Take a look at it. It's 9 kilometres of text! There's at least three paragraphs hiding in it there.

Also HOW are the people talking to each other?

“Y’think? I was under the impression it was normal to have blue spores on your face.”

“Why are you here, Mercer?”

“I was under the impression I was assigned to this.”

‘As was I.”

“So, what?”

“I suppose we work together.

There's no emotion or context, just a boring flat conversation. A few lines are fine but after a while we need to know WHO is talking and HOW they're telling it, he typed aggressively from the other side of the planet :)

Let's see another

#9 Posted by batkevin74 (12839 posts) - - Show Bio

@knightofthechronicle: He he he, that's okay and it's all good now that the Knight family is all safe and sound...for now.

As for Aiden getting some action, in either sense of the word, well you're probably right. We'll see in the conclusion

#10 Posted by batkevin74 (12839 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Still doesn't mean he's not dangerous

true, just not right now as he's in custody again and probably off to the DICC