I have written a submission for a uk publisher, could I get some feedback please?
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Anyone?
Hi everyone, as the title suggests I am writing a submission for a comic book publisher where you have to write a four page script. I could really use some feedback please? (P.S this is a science fiction story though it isn't clear at first).
Characters
The family are wearing thick coats and other winter clothes
Father-tall, quite thin with glasses, quite strong jaw, dark brown hair and beard and broad shoulders
Mother-medium height, long blonde hair, hour glass figure, thin
Connor-Average height and build, light brown hair, about ten years old
Rebecca-Quite small, quite large eyes, dark brown hair tied in a pony tail, she is about seven years old
Police officer-middle aged, greying hair, quite wrinkly and medium build
Page 1
Panel 1: Text box:
‘A young family have gone on their Christmas holiday in Scottish cottage. They are an hour away from the nearest town’
Picturesque view of the classic two story cottage with a mountain range running behind it, with trees dotted around, even more along the base of the mountains, and in the background the family can be seen hiking up the mountain, among the trees. There is a thick layer of snow.
Panel 2: Wide shot showing the children running around, laughing, ahead of their parents, the parents and children facing the shot
Panel 3: The medium shot shows the children running around a thick cluster of trees, the parents out of sight
Panel 4: A medium shot Rebecca has run ahead, laughing and looking back at her brother, unaware of the hole nestled in the snow and leaves a step or two away, the shot comes from behind Connor
Panel 5: A medium wide shot Rebecca is about to fall into the hole, she has just turned and sees the hole, her eyes filled with shock and terror, the shot comes from the hole below
Page 2
Panel 1: A medium shot shows Connor had caught up and grabbed the back of her coat, stopping her fall; the panel shot faces the two from the left
Panel 2: A medium shot shows Connor pulled her back and she is hugging him, crying into his coat
Panel 3: A wide shot shows Rebecca backed away in fear of the hole, not wanting to slip and fall. A text box says:
‘He doesn’t want her to leave scared so he is going to show there is nothing to fear.’
Connor is walking around the whole to the other side, he says:
“Don’t worry Reb, there’s nothing to fear.”
She, upset, replies:
“Connor just come over here!”
Panel 4: A medium shot shows on the opposite side of the hole the ground below Connor’s feet breaks away, he is looking down in surprise, saying:
“Rebecca its f-”
The shot shows Connor from the front with Rebecca standing to the left of the shot opposite Connor
Panel 5: Connor falls through the hole, the shot is a wide shot of the space in the whole. It’s massive and very high with a rushing river below. Connor is shown falling from the top of the panel, the surface not shown. Half way down below Connor there is a very faint, small red blur, barely there.
Panel 6: Shot from above Rebecca, she is lying at the edge of the hole, reaching down, screaming. Passed her in the hole there is Connor disappearing half way down in a red flash of light.
Page 3
Panel 1: The medium shot comes from just behind Connor, he is surrounded by a burning red energy. He is reaching out to his sister who can be seen through a hole resembling a tear in all the red which in the panel is far away so very small. Connor is screaming.
Panel 2: A text box of another colour says:
“Are...those me?”
A wide shot from Connor’s left, he’s still falling and screaming. Dotted around him are other tears in the space, one shows an older version of him kissing a blonde man. Another shows an older him arguing loudly with and older version of his sister and another shows a blurred image of a man in all red not visibly standing on anything. There is others but they aren’t clearly seen.
Panel 3: A wide bird’s eye view shot of him falling, showing another large tear below him that he is falling into
Page 4
Panel 1: A close up shot, in a faint flash of red he is at the foot of the mountain, it is night and he is huddled into a ball. There is no clear view of his face, the panel shot shows him from the front.
Panel 2: The medium shot comes from behind Connor, he looks up to see the cottage through the trees with police cars out front, siren lights on, his parents and a police officer are standing in front of the cottage.
Panel 3: In the same shot as the last panel he got up and is walking to the cottage, walking as if dazed; he is shrouded in the darkness, the panel shot shows him from behind
Panel 4: The parents are talking to a police officer in front of the house with Connor emerging from the dark forest, though he can’t be clearly seen, in the background. The mother is facing (really upset) the police officer while the father on her left turns his head towards Connor. The panel view comes from the parents’ right showing them and the police officer up close.
Panel 5: The parents run to Connor who is in shock and his skin and clothes are burnt. His mother says:
“Connor! Thank god!”
The father says:
“Connor, what happened?”
The medium shot shows Connor from the front and the parents from behind.
Panel 6: the entire panel shows one of the tears in the wormhole which shows Connor, hunched over, crying. He is covered in cuts and bruises with blood stains on his clothes which don’t seem to come from any cuts. His hands are clenched and are faintly glowing red. (Edit) It appears that he has hurt someone with some unknown power radiating from his hands.
The Doctor is nearing to his last incarnation and I was wondering what you all thought of my idea for what they could do (not that they would do this but whatever). Also what are any of your ideas for they could do and what you think they will do.
This is the idea:
In the Doctor’s last incarnation he is called by an organisation that worked similar to a cult to time lords, they believed time lords were the master race, the pinnacle of scientific and cultural perfection and they wished to resurrect them. They scoured the universe for time lord remains, finding a handful. Using the DNA of dead time lords through time they made hundreds of new time lords, effectively downloading them with scientific and cultural knowledge to be ready to be adult time lords. They are also downloaded with knowledge of the doctor the organisation learned about while searching out time lord stuff, they did this because the doctor would be a great cultural hero to inspire the new time lords.
They also devised other sub-projects made to protect the new time lords and help recreate their society. One such project being a process that would regenerate a dying time lord fully so that they regained all their regenerations and be young by time lord standards though a side effect of the project is memory loss which they haven’t been able to fix. This organisation called the doctor using recreated time lord technology and wanted his help in recreating time lord civilisation.
In this time the Daleks had discovered this organisation and upon finding they set an attack to stop their greatest group enemy from returning, in the chaos only one individual survives, a young time lord with virtually no memory of his origin apart from the odd flashes of memory every now and again. This time lord leaves the ruins of the organisation’s facility, with no memory of how he got there or who he is, he gets a flash of memory, of a man called the doctor, he doesn’t know who the doctor is but he needs a name and decides the doctor is a suitable name (though he may not entirely understand its significance or why he chose it), he then finds the TARDIS, not knowing what it is he goes inside to discover its bigger on the inside which shocks him just like it had all the doctor’s companions.
He goes in, looks around the control room and sees its some sort of ship, while here the TARDIS produces a sonic screwdriver (though the doctor doesn’t know why or how). He could discover objects from different parts of history (things he recognises either because he’s a test tube time lord all of whom were being downloaded with information pertaining to history and science and other such things or because he’s the doctor and has fragmented memory of them), he thinks it odd these things seem so new, he then discovers the doctor’s diary which upon reading he gets more memories though again their source isn’t clear. He recalls the ship has no owner though he doesn’t know if the owner is dead or off he/she abandoned the ship, he also remembers the name of the ship he’s in is the TARDIS- Time And Relative Dimension In Space. He also remembers what the ship can do, which excites him to no end. He decides to try travelling to the past, he chooses 21st century London because it seems like a good idea though he isn’t entirely sure why, there he has a doctor who adventure and meets his first companion.
This doctor could have the intellectual brilliance of the old doctor as well as his confidence and swagger but lacks his experience, maturity and wisdom so he makes some stupid mistakes though he always manages to get out of them. Also because he is young he could more easily have relationships with his young assistants, especially since he may not even know how long he can live because his information download was interrupted. Also because we don't know who he really is it adds even more mystery to the character.
@quirky_anecdotes: Being able to change your color doesn't mean you'd need to manipulate light or radiation, thats just one way. Chameleons do it without god-like power for example.
The worst superpower is probably the power to change your color because it has no use whatsoever except maybe trick to do at parties, though most bad powers would make for good tricks to do at parties especially weird powers (unless the power is harmful like rogue's).
I am hoping to send this submission to a comic book publisher and I was hoping to get feedback, thanks in advance.
Central characters
Alias: Grim
Physical appearance: young, light brown hair, blue eyes, early twenties, average attractiveness, quite thin
Costume: Black trousers, bit tight long sleeve shirt (dark blue, black Y pattern on front and back that meet at the shoulders, also has black lines that go down the back of each arm), mask (plain, tight fitting, black, covers the whole head but not the neck and has eye holes just large enough not to impede vision), wears black trainers with bits of blue. Out of costume he wears the costume except the mask and the shirt is covered by a zipped up army green jacket.
Known powers:
· Super speed
· Super strength
· Super stamina
· Super hearing
Alias: The Shadow
Physical appearance: Very tall, broad, shadow black skin (body looks like solid shadow), all white eyes, no visible mouth, nose or ears.
Costume: None
Known Powers:
· Super strength
· Superhuman resistance to injury
· Super speed
· Super smell
Script
Page 1
Panel 1: In the top left corner it says ‘Doningdale Police Station, 11:37pm’. The panel shows the interior of the main room of a police station, showing various typical unimportant interactions. In this panel Grim is being taken to a prison cell in the back in his civilian identity, no focus on this, depicted as another typical unimportant interaction, in the direction to the prison cell have two police officers talking, again with no special focus.
Page 2
Panel 1: Shows a close up of the two male police officers talking with Grim being taken to his cell in the background, he has a smirk on his face. One of the police asks the other “Hey have you seen Tom, we were going to go out later but I haven’t seen him.” The other police officer replies “No, I saw him go on patrol while ago but I haven’t seen him come back yet.”
Panel 2: From an over a shoulder shot of a young female bystander, she’s afraid, looking out her living room window in a flat building on the second floor to the street below. In the street is a very tall, broad, shadowy figure (The Shadow) standing near a pool of blood coming from an alley on the left side of the bystander’s window. The figure glances to her window; she has her phone and presses 999.
Panel 3: The panel focuses on a police officer receiving the bystander from the previous panel’s call about the Shadow having killed a man, this police officer fills up the panel, and he is sitting at a desk. He says “Sir!”
Panel 4: Shows the police chief (middle-aged, brown greying hair, well built for his age) standing with authority in front of the police in the main room, he says “Right we’ve got a call about the Shadow, Davidson, Brown, Jackson, Jacobs, Peterson. You’re going to have a look; it’s at Blue Grove Street. The witness is Isabella Black, she lives in flat 8 of the only building of flats on the street” (Grim is not shown in this panel)
Page 3
Panel 1: In the top left corner of the panel it says ‘Blue Grove Street, 12:15’. Police arrived at the scene of the crime, the police cars are parked to the left of the bystanders’ window. The street is empty; the blood seems to be gone. The panel view comes from the bystander’s window though what’s within isn’t shown.
Panel 2: The panel view comes from opposite the door to the bystander’s flat building, one police officer opens the door, he says “I’ll speak to the witness, you lot can look around.”
Panel 3: The police officer who went to speak to the witness is shown flying through the window, the panel view comes from inside the living room, in the bottom left of the panel Isabella, is partially shown (her bleeding head and left arm) dead on the floor.
Panel 4: The panel view comes from opposite the flat building. The Shadow has jumped out the window, in the panel he’s shown just short of landing on the ground, the police officer that went flying through the window is dead nearby and the remaining police are standing around the street, looking at the Shadow.
Panel 5: The panel view is the same as the last panel but more focus on the Shadow. The villain is standing in the street with the police standing around him. Grim is moving in a blur, in costume, towards the Shadow from the Shadow’s left side, the Shadow glances towards Grim not having fully reacted or registered it given Grim’s speed.
Panel 6: The panel view is further back, showing more of the whole street. The Shadow is hit by Grim, he’s sent hurtling 15ft down the street, he’s shown mid hurtle with Grim shown standing where the Shadow was.
Page 4
Panel 1: The panel view is the same as the last panel. In the panel the Shadow moves at super human speed towards Grim, at one end of the panel he is shown getting up, in the same panel he’s shown mid run between where he got up and where Grim is, again in this panel he is shown having grabbed Grim’s neck and has shoved him to the ground. One of the police furthest right says “Bu...Back away from Grim and put your hands up or we’ll open fire” though the Shadow takes no notice.
Panel 2: This panel focuses solely on the position the Shadow and Grim are in at the end of the past panel though Grim has primed his legs to kick the Shadow off. The police shoot at the Shadow from off panel, the Shadow is looking in the direction of the gun fire, looking mildly angry but relatively unharmed.
Panel 3: The panel view comes from over the shoulder of the nearest police officer to the Shadow, the Shadow is barrelling towards the police officer (shown to be close), the hero is right behind the Shadow though not as focused on, and he’s reaching for the Shadow.
Panel 4: Shows the Grim having tackled the Shadow passed the Shadow’s targeted police officer into a wall behind him, making a crater in the wall of a two story building, showing this from behind the hero and from a direction that shows the targeted police officer’s reaction.
Panel 5: The Grim has backed away and he and the police are standing around the Shadow. The panel view comes from behind the Grim and above, having focus on the Shadow who is looking at the people around him and looks panicked.
Panel 6: The Shadow has jumped up the wall; the panel shows him having just reached the top. The panel view is the same as the last panel except it looks up to the Shadow instead of down. Grim says “Shit”.
Panel 7: The same panel view as before, Grim starts’ jumping up the wall, the Shadow is out of sight, Grim says “thanks for the assist”, one of the police reply “alright then...”
Page 5
Panel 1: In the top left corner of the panel it says ‘5 minutes later’, the panel shows one police officer looking down the previously bloody alley and sees the missing police officer dead, pushed partially behind a large bin, the panel view comes from just behind the dead police officer, looking up at his discoverer.
Panel 2: In the top left corner of the panel it says ‘back at the police station’ In this panel there is an open prison cell with the window at the back broken open, two police are looking in, on the floor is a note. The panel view is opposite the back wall of the prison cell, only showing the prison interior and the two police standing at the door way.
Panel 3: the panel is taken up just by the note which says:
“Dear Police
By now you have likely realised I’m not a normal criminal. Well in case you haven’t figured it out I’ll just tell you that I am Grim. I’d just like to say thanks for the help with fighting the Shadow (which I assumed you helped with, if not then screw you) and thanks for helping me find him. He has a superhuman sense of smell and (not to boast) given the many times I’ve beaten him, he’s been avoiding me, he knows when I’m close before I do so I got myself arrested and used my superhuman hearing to listen for a call about him. Sorry if any police got hurt taking him down.
P.S. Sorry about the police cell, I’d pay for it but secret identity and all that so...bye.
-Grim”
Cool...I'm first!
At it was a pretty cool fight, not sure why Snake eyes couldn't have moved out of the way and shot him though
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