Hi,I wrote a rough 5 page script for a submission to a comic book publisher and would really appreciate some feedback before moving forward. Thanks, here's the link:
AmazingFantasy15's forum posts
READ THIS FIRST: As the title suggests this is a submission for a comic book publisher and I was hoping to get feed back. I know it is quite long but I'd appreciate the effort and any feedback. Thank you. (P.S, bare in mind this is only a rough version).
The new, old hero
Characters
Mark Greer aka Talos
He is a cyborg, approximately 15 feet tall and proportionately human (albeit of a well-built person though not quite professional strongman). His mechanical body is smooth, metallic and the metal of his body is a dark bronze.
His head is more or less human so it is human sized but surrounded by a ridge that produces a basically invisible force field except for a faint electric blue sheen. As well as if hit the targeted area turns electric blue on impact as it funnels in energy to hold up that spot (all assuming it is a significant impact like an attack from the hero).
His head from the nose up is the metal of his suit, his left eye is mechanical with a lens, is other eye and the space around it is human but has a mechanical eye similar to the other that fits over it. His neck is human and reaches down into the mechanical body, how far he is human beyond that isn’t clear. He isn’t wrinkled but how old or young he is is ambiguous.
Daniel Wright aka Paragon
Daniel has sandy blonde hair and green eyes. He’s quite tall with a moderate build, detail of which is partially hidden by the suit he wears, he’s quite broad with a slightly thin jaw. The alternate reality version of him appears in his early to mid-thirties, the younger real world version is in his very early twenties.
The suit is white and covers his whole body (the shape of his nose is largely visible) though the parts over his eyes and mouth are of a light blue and are lens like, although the part over is mouth looks flexible. It’s tight over his mouth but is designed to allow him to breathe through it without problem.
His hands, down to his wrists, are a slightly dark electric blue and appear to be made from a different material from the rest of the suit, similar to an electrical glass conductor but with properties like a fabric in terms of flexibility and smoothness.
A light blue band around his waist and down the middle of his chest, on the left side of his chest is a light blue circle (hollow except for an eight point star symbol at the centre) so the pattern on his chest almost resembles a ‘P’. The parts covering his feet are dark electric blue, are slightly bulkier than the rest of the suit and resemble boots in size, ending half way up his calves.
The mobile version of the suit (MVS) is a white orb encased in a dome of darker electric blue energy with a light electric blue circle working seemingly like an eye.
Script
Page 1
Panel 1: Shows just the black hole generator in the sky with just a darkening sky as background, clouds, light etc. being drawn into a tiny black dot at the centre of the black hole generator. This panel is a thin strip along the top.
Panel 2: A large panel, the setting is that of a city square, but in a futuristic city in keeping with the level of technology possessed by Daniel and Talos, surrounded by many tall buildings. The panel shows Daniel Wright and Mark Greer fighting in a stalemate (both flying, in close combat), with the partially activated black hole generator in the sky (albeit high in the sky). Around Daniel is his name, alias and location (the city and his universe) the same for Talos. In this panel the hero is confronting the villain on what he is doing, he says “What are you doing?! You’re going to destroy the planet!?” The villain answers “Exactly! I haven’t been able to stop you fighting my goals so I’ll just hit you with my biggest weapon and be done with it! As soon as that device fully activates I’ll teleport away and it will suck up your whole disgusting little planet, starting with your precious city!” The villain is acting cocky but he has a sense of desperation and fear, like if he doesn’t know if he’ll survive for sure and if this doesn’t work then he can’t stop the hero and he is basically out of ways to stop the hero stopping all his morally negligible behaviour.
Panels’ 3, 4 and 5 are in a row and take up just short of a third the remaining space.
Panel 3: Daniel thinks “I don’t have time for this-” he fired a massive (electric blue) energy blast at the villain square in the chest, blasting him back a few steps.
Panel 4: While Talos collects himself Daniel is flying up of panel, to the generator
Panel 5: The panel view is looking up at Daniel flying at the generator, Talos, looking at him, has started flying after him
The sixth panel is a strip that takes up half the remaining space, the seventh panel takes up the rest
Panel 6: Talos is off panel, Daniel has reached the generator, clearly feeling the device’s pull, and he is striking the machine with a large energy blast
Panel 7: The panel only shows a flash of light overlapping out of the panel
Page 2
The first panel is a strip along the top just large enough to show a mid-shot of Daniel.
Panel 1: The panel view just shows Daniel Wright from the front getting off a bus, he is wearing jeans and a black shirt with a symbol at the centre resembling a symbol for a large flash like in the previous panel in the same style a typical five point star symbol, he is a university student so he has a plain brown bag over his shoulder. To the left of him his text displaying his name and location (the same city but different universe).
The second panel is quite large but not so big it overpowers the next three panels. The next three panels are all in separate rows, the fourth panel being slightly larger than the one above and below it.
Panel 2: The panel shows a wide shot of the part of the city he is in, a real world version of the one in the other dimension, the main can be seen walking (although not focused on), towards the nearby city square (which has more plant life than the previous version, a few trees mostly) the previous fight was happening in, it is the middle of a summer day.
Panel 3: There is a flash shown to appear in the location of the previous battle, right in front of the main, covering the whole city square. The panel view comes at an upward angle, showing the flash and the main from behind, the flash takes up a lot of the panel.
Panel 4: The panel is the same except in the place of the flash is Talos, legs bent as if landed from a short fall. He clearly looks angry but dazed and with severe mental damage and strain in his expression. He is also physically damaged, particularly his head, showing the damage to the human part of his brain (his metal head has concaved, showing the horribly damaged human-machine brain, the lens over his human eye is badly damaged and hides his mutilated eye). The visible human parts of his body are badly scared beyond recognition. The ridge producing the force field around his head is broken. A text box shows his thoughts as “find…Daniel…kill him…” Also a small object is flying of far in the sky, too far and fast to be made out as more than a white dot with a motion trail behind it.
Panel 5: The panel views comes from the perspective of Talos, (a sight of a malfunctioning robot, his vision glitching). It locks on to the main with a sort of targeting system with a reading alongside saying ‘DNA: 100% MATCH’. There is a small circle panel showing a magnification of a spot of Daniel’s skin, showing his DNA in it with genes lit up in his vision as if identifying them. The hero is standing there, frozen in shock and fear, tensed to run. Talos is raising his left arm with its metal on the back wrist opening up and a gun barrel revealed. The space in it lighting up as if about to fire an electric blue energy blast. This weapon on Talos’s arm can be seen at the corner of his vision.
Page 3
The first two panels appear in a row on the top of the page with the second panel being a continuation of the first panel. The row takes up about a quarter of the length of the page.
Panel 1: The main runs like a madman while Talos has fired his weapon that is just short of hitting him, the panel is a small wide shot of the scene with the main running roughly in the direction of the right side of the panel towards the unseen right side of the city square.
Panel 2: The panel view shows the right side of the square, showing Daniel (showing him from behind) escaping into the cluster of tall buildings surrounding the square on that side. He is thinking “Ok, run, hide. Don’t you dare look back!”
The 3rd and 4th panels are also in a row together and take up another quarter of the length of the page.
Panel 3: Shows a mid-shot of the main hiding in an alley, leaning against a wall, huffing and puffing, scared but with lessening panic as he seems safe.
Panel 4: The panel view turns to the left of the alley showing the MVS hovering there to Daniel’s shock, in the background there is a rumbling of Talos lashing out at things around him in its search for him, hindered by its mental damage. There is also death screams of those caught in the rampage.
The fifth panel is a row on its own and is quite large to accommodate the speech, the sixth panel takes up the rest of the space.
Panel 5: In a technological voice the MVS says “Daniel do you wish to wear your suit?” Daniel is clearly so shocked and terrified he at first can’t speak “…um…What, what do you mean, what are you, what is happening?” The MSU replies “To answer your first query, I was asking if you wished to wear the PEF-3 suit, as for what I am, I'm the suit, albeit in a mobile form added so I might return to you in case you signal or I am forcibly removed. What is happening is you were fighting Talos in an attempt to stop his black hole generator destroying the Earth, you attempted to destroy it which resulted in an anomalous event that took you both here. It also seemed to remove you from me, forcing me to gain significant altitude to perform a sufficiently large scan to find you.” Daniel thinks “shit, his owner is got to be dead”. Daniel then says “So, um, what would happen if I put you on?” “You would take on the appearance of your alias Paragon and gain an assortment of abilities, namely enhanced strength, endurance and senses, resistance to injury, flight, and the projection of Vril energy from the parts of the suit covering your hands. It is all thought controlled.” “And putting on, you, would mean fighting the ‘Talos’?” “Yes.”
Panel 6: The panel view doesn't change but there is another rumble of Talos causing trouble accompanied by screams. The main says ‘fuuuuuck…all right’ to putting on the suit, clearly not wanting to risk his life against Talos but feeling he has to. Really show how torn he is between his fear/not wanting to die and his sense of right and wrong.
Page 4
The first two panels are in a row, the first takes up a third of the width of the page and the second takes up two thirds. Both are large enough to show a mid-shot of Daniel but not much more.
Panel 1: The panel view is a mid-shot of the main with the suit spreading across his body, taking him a bit into the air as it does, he looks surprised but also in awe at the wonder of it.
Panel 2: The suit is on (so he resembles the superhero from the first page albeit younger and with less inner strength and confidence), his left fist is glowing the colour of Vril energy and he is holding it up and looking at it as it were very cool. He is also levitating slightly. He’s getting excited. He simply says, “Cool.” He seems momentarily distracted at the idea that he now has actual superpowers, a concept he didn’t consider when deciding whether or not to put on the suit.
The 3rd and 4th panel are also in a row except the 3rd panel takes up about three quarters of the width of the page and the 4th panel takes up the rest.
Panel 3: The panel view is the same. He hears another, larger, rumble and screams which rips him out of his thoughts and reminds him what he has to do, he is looking in the direction of the noise, looking very guilty and much panicked, and he thinks “SHIT, RIGHT!” His glowing fist has all but dimmed and it is half way fallen to his side.
Panel 4: The panel view is the same. He disappears in a literal blur of motion, around the corner he had come.
The last to panels are in a row and take up the rest of the page in equal parts.
Panel 5: He stops in mid-air around Talos who is starting to turn towards him though the main has his back to him. The main’s stop is shown to be shaky with motion lines, he also puts his hands out as if to steady himself. The surrounding area has been damaged by the Talos’s attacks, focused on the left side of the square where the main had run off to.
Panel 6: The same panel view, this time though Talos deals him one massive strike down off panel (although his arm, including his shoulder joint, is clearly damaged in a way that may hinder the force of Talos’ attack a bit)
Page 5
The first two panels are in the top row. The third panel is in a row of its own.
Panel 1: The panel view comes at a downward angle, showing that the Talos’s strike has brought the main down to the ground but he is in a strong standing stance, holding back further force although at a strain to his person. He thinks “Fuck, this is an impressive suit!”
Panel 2: The main manages to fly up fast, pushing away the Talos’s strike, moving into the air opposite the Talos, a bit tired and tense but somewhat ready
Panel 3: He fly charges at Talos square in the chest, thinking “Shit, too fast too fast!!”, knocking him to the ground on his back.
The 4th and 5th panel are in a row together although the 4th panel takes up a bit less than third of the width of the page and the fifth panel takes up the rest.
Panel 4: Talos strikes with a faltering force laser emerging from its chest as with the arm barrel from before, knocking the main back a few steps towards the upper right side of the panel
Panel 5: This panel shows literally the next second after the finished attack. Daniel thinks “fuck it”. The main, looking scared and nervous, tries a blast of his own, full power, aiming at a spot already damaged by the similar attack inflicted by the version of him from the first page, the blast goes right through, seemingly killing the Talos. Talos is on one side of the panel, Daniel on the other with the blast taking up more of the width of the panel than anything else.
The final two panels are both in their own rows but the last panel is larger, taking more of the focus.
Panel 6: The panel view is a small wide shot in a small panel. The main is floating to the ground, relieved, relaxing with the Talos’s body at the edge of the panel. He thinks “Yes, I’m not going to die…I really hope it wasn’t some kind of person though, I mean it was self-defence but still…”
Panel 7: The panel view comes from above with the main at the foot of the panel, he is on his knees, tired. Meanwhile survivors of the assault are coming around towards him in a timid/scared manner around the edges of the panel, all silent, and police and ambulance sirens can be heard from off panel. The main thinks “so what’s going to happen now?”
Was Lex Luthor at the wedding in the first page?
@batkevin74: The twist is he saw a vision of the near future where he has someone else's blood on him, he's very upset and his hands are glowing. The implication is he has some kind of power that he's intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone with. I realize now that isn't clear so edited it.
Anyone? I could really use some feedback, even just saying if you liked it or not would be helpful.
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