Bar hum bug
By .Mistress Redhead. 18 Comments
(excuse the spelling and grammar this was done at 5am)
Merry Christmas everyone.
Hope the holidays bring you all the joy you deserve...
Or if your like me they bring pain and misery in the following forms.. (what i have to look forward too....)
- You arrive christams eve at your sisters place who lives 2 hours from your city, where you have spent the last two hours swearing at other drivers who shouldnt attempt country roads with caravans if they CANT MANAGE TO STEER THE FU*KING THINGS
- You arrive to be pounced upon, almost dumping all your presents out of the car as your sisters children attempt to rummage through the box to find THEIR PRESENT
- On heading to the spare room your informed your sleeping on your nephews floor on a air mattresss... now here is where i always wonder what horrible thing i did to my sister for her to enflict this upon me, but of course you dont argue... you know how stressed she is so you rise above it and feel all high and mighty that you are there at all as your selfish brother couldnt make it cause of his whore girlfriend.
- You then start to help with Christmas lunch so its all ready... now here is where my teeth start to grind, see years of practice (30 to be exact) of peeling a potatot would give you the impression i know how too right? OH NO.. my sister watches me... "you dont go up and down you go around, its better for roasting" this is yelled in my ear as she sweeps past, so i do it her way and finish them off, then move onto the pumpkin... oh dear god... no ... how DARE I ATTEMPT TO PEEL OF THE RIND IN A NON CLOCKWISE WITH MY HAND TWISTED SLIGHTLY TO ONE SIDE AS THE MOON IS IN THE RIGHT ANGLE AND DOING A SMALL DANCE BEFORE WORSHIPING THEM AND THEN CUTTING.... so i eventually scream at her and wander off to see my mum ....
- Mum and her new boyfriend are so all over each other you want to shove a key in their hand and tell them to get a room, then you worry she actually would cause she is that kind of mother... hmm not a good plan best to just cough a lot til they stop
- OMDG did i attempt to sneak off for a cigarette???? HOW DARE I, so i go out for one to calm my nerves and then i get a diatribe of coughign and omg you stink hand waving as i enter the house and feel as if i have just gone out to rub in the muck with teh pigs..
- Finally bed time... oh dear god... bed time... both nephews repeating your name so much your eye starts to twitch as you imagine their gory deaths..
- Christmas morning... Now.. dont know about you guys but i like to bum around in my pjs for as long as possible.. OH NO.. we are dressed and ready no breakfast or tea of course.. but dressed.. SO WE LOOK NICE FOR THE PICTURES -_- i rebel and wear a nice top with pj pants and look like a bridget jones extra.. but i get a glee out of my small rebellion..and watching my sisters lips purse with annoyance.
- Opening those OH so wonderful.. just a little something presents from rellies you dont remember and who give you soap on a rope.. or worse.. $2 perfume, and you ahve to look happy about it..
- Wishing your boyfriends package had arrived so you had at least ONE thing to open of his... and not being able to call him as he is asleep and you have to be with the family.... GAH
- . You watch your family open your presents, and see the looks of dissapointment on their faces when they realised that even though you told them you were broke and could only afford so much, they still seem shocked.
- You watch your nephews rip apart your presents with an almost ungodly look in their eyes then upon realising you bought them a book causre your THAT aunt who refuses to buy into the mass consumerism of ben 10 products you bought them a book, one that you carefully picked out cause you loved it at their age. Then watch as they sneer at it, throw it aside and move onto the next present
- Your sister ASSURES you that you look great next to her, even though you know your about 30 kgs (sorry folks dont know that in pounts) heavier than her as she is a barbie dolll goddess who spends an hour every day looking that way and you can bareley manage to brush your hair your so freaking tired from being woken up at 5am by your nephews who want to show you all the great things santa got them.. once again you get an adverse amount of pleasure in the knowledge you could crush their tiny hearts with three words.. SANTA DOESENT EXIST.. but of course you dont, you smile blearly and grin at the chocolate coins and huge amounts of Ben 10 products..
- You finally get to have breakfast before the mad rush to get everything set up for lunch... setting the table as you painfully wait on your nephew to create his elaborate napkins that he folds so carefully it takes him 3 hours to finish it.. and you ahve to gush and awe when he is done..
- At lunch you watch you family eat, desperatley wanting to dig into everything but feeling like the goodyear blimp next to your barbie doll sister you sigh and try to just eat salad by passing the ham and potato bake.. until finally you get annoyed at her for being so attractive and you have a boyfriend who loves you as you are so you may as well eat... its all there anyway... so you dive in like a woman on steroids.. pracitcally inhaling all the food, dodging your nephews hitting you with their bon bons... oh the bon bons.. having to look happy about wearing a pink paper crown, that was sureley invented by Martha Stewart to cause pain and misery to those who have fringes.
- After lunch all you want to do is relax and possibly get your stomach pumped or a good nap would do too.. and omg you crave a cigarette but toss up the idea of being abused and made to sit in the corner with a dunces hat if you do.. then your nephews drag you outside to play on their new waterslide.. which is basically a thing bit of plastic with a hose attached... and force you to play with them.. you beg them to leave you be as you are certan you will vomit all over the thing if you slide down it..... after your turn you get an absurd amount of glee at them grossing out about the mess on the slide... well you told em.
- Apparnelty even though you helped cook, you now have to help with the massive amount of dishes when all you want to do is roll into a ball and go to sleep your so tired.. but you slave away doing the right thing as you watch you mum sitting on her boyfriends lap and get annoyed that she is not helping, but that you are cause you are the only awesome an caring family member.. so you feel all self righteous again
- FINALLY the day is over and you sit at home, after driving back in the unnerving Australian heat.. that i swear is only this hot on christmas day.. and of course even though you hoped no one else would drive back that afternoon apparently you were wrong... awesome... and everyone is drunk apparently as you have to stop at a booze bus every 30km... at one point you swear at the policeman and he makes you get out and searches your car... you prey that little bag you had for that party the other day was taken inside... so upon entering your cool flat, dropping your bag and flopping on the bed, hearing your cat cry out as you just fell on him. You start to think about your day.. and suddenly it all seems so far away that... you kinda miss them all... and you realise.. as dysfunctional and messed up as they are... they are all you have..
- so in the long run... you realise that Christmas is actually all about family as those Coca Cola ads are always saying.. and you really do love the litte rascals and your happy your mums in love and you adore your sister....
Merry Christmas everyone! make it awesome! but enjoy the crap as well!
Maybe this year it will be different........ *sighs*
(btw... this is all just a bit of humour....)
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