Diary Of A Comic Book Store Employee

Now-a-days, I'm just working the shop on Sundays, except for Super Bowl Sunday. I see mainly the same customers every week, and random families or after-church-goers looking to pick a few books up for their kids in order to shut them up. I used to work full time, and I remember loving every second of it, even if the actual work I did sucked. During my first year there, I started a list in my head of things I wish customers would do. Now in year four of working there, I've completed my list of things I wish customers would do when they come into my store. 
 

Bathe

 
Yeah, you're laughing, but I'm not. There is nothing more disgusting than choking on someone's body odor. I would love to help a customer with any* of their needs, (*See below) but how can I help you when you smell like the gorilla cage at the zoo mixed with year-old pizza? I bathed, in order to work, and so should you, in order to shop. Now, I'm not asking anything "crazy" like, I don't know, "Shower daily," but I would appreciate it if you'd shower at least every other day, before your diabolical stench sets in and devours my already wore-down soul. Deodorant is also a wonderous invention, even the evil green kind. Please use this tip, so I don't hate you. 
 
 
 
 
Exceptions: None. Get in the shower smelly.
 
 

Do the research yourself

"Do you know every issue Poison Ivy is in?" No, but thankfully, ComicVine does; however, I don't have the time to make a list for you. I got this question yesterday, and the kid who asked me got a sheet printed off for him of every comic she was in 3 months prior to this. This is an extreme case of customer laziness. It doesn't happen often. The majority of people in the my area have access to the internet. Why aren't they using it? Look it up. I have one guy, really nice family man and has an adorable daughter, who weekly asks me what a certain artist is drawing. This is not an artist I follow, so every week, I tell him I don't know. You'd think he'd understand I just don't keep up on the guy. Maybe I am coming off like a little bit of a douche here, but there is actual work employees have to do at the comic book store, believe it or not. Customer service, for me, is the most important thing, right next to my daily jobs I have to do. It's a constant battle between helping customers, making sure the store is clean, re-ordering sold out comics, and crying on the inside. 
 

Exceptions: Parent's with toddlers who just want to get in and out, grandmas and grandpas buying that crazy spiderhero book for a birthday present. People who want to read comics, but have no clue where to start.

Converse with other customers

Most of the time, if I'm not busy, I love chatting it up with the customers, as long as it doesn't get too much in the way of my wonderful daily tasks. It also helps if the customer isn't belittling me because I don't read GI Joe, and in so many words calling me an idiot. The one problem I've noticed is that a couple customers who I enjoy chatting with come in at the same time, and it's almost like they're fighting for my attention. "Look Mat! I'm juggling!" (That hasn't happened.... yet) But both customers will get louder and louder, talking over one another and start to get a little rude. How dare the other person talk to MY comic guy! As much of an ego boost as you think this may be, it's not. How about this? Talk to each other. It's not hard for three people to engage each other in conversation, or just talk to each other. We all have opinions about comics, and what better place for ALL of us to voice them than in a comic book store? We can all get along, and maybe soon enough, you'll find out I'm not as cool or hip as you may first thought I was. I'm quiet. I keep to myself, and I'm a bit of a hot head... and paranoid. Trust me, the man/woman next to you has opinions that are not only more well thought out than mine, but they are much better at speaking to another human being. Sometimes my words don't work well after a long day of work. Plus, I'd rather talk about fine dining or Doctor Who.  Sorry, I couldn't find a picture that was more appropriate.
 

Exceptions: The 5% of people that come in that I never wanted to talk to in the first place.
 

Come in on time

The idea is pretty simple. You order comics from us. We get the comics in. We expect you to pick them up. If you're in a monthly pull-list ordeal, I'd hope to see you at least once a month. I mean, we're pulling stuff for you weekly, and at minimum, we'd love to see you once a month. The majority come in weekly and pick up all of their books, but there are always a few stragglers. Why is this a big deal? Easy. We're just sitting on our own product. Random customers may come in, also, and ask for the book that's in your box. Well, because we're honest people, we're not going to give it away, so we have to tell the random customer, "No, we don't have it, but we can order it for you." Now that customer has to wait a week, and you still have your book... in your pull box... sitting there... waiting for you to come in.... It takes up space too. I've made my point. 
 
Secondly, don't come in 5 minutes before we close and want to look around for half an hour, EVERY person who has ever worked retail agrees with me 100% on this. We don't just lock the door and leave. We have a list of after-hours stuff to do daily: count out the register, straighten the store, vacuum, try and reclaim our souls. I have things I'd like to do after work, and if "following you home to scream at you" is something you'd like, by all means... hang out for a hour. Our store is open 7 hours a day, except for Sundays, which it is open for 5, you're telling me you couldn't have made it any earlier? Also, don't show up 15 minutes before we open or 15 minutes after we close and demand to be let in. I will ignore you. I open at the correct opening time, and I try and close the correct closing time. That's why we post our hours on the door.
 
Exceptions: For the pull list box stuff, there are exceptions: death of someone close, sickness, vacation. That's obvious. As for when we open or close, unless you own the shop or work there, the door will be locked.
 
 

Promote

Simply put, if it weren't for people promoting their random stuff to me, I may have never found this website. I wasn't into talking about comics online, and because G-Man walked into the store I work for and was very excited to tell me about this site (also, even back then the site looked good and was easy to "surf"), I looked the site up. If you come into the store, chat it up with me, and promote your stuff, I'm going to check it out, even if it doesn't sound like a good idea. If you're passionate about your work, like sir G-Man, I'm going to become interested. Bring business cards with you. I always have a stack of mine on me, just in case. However, don't do this: Do not just walk into the store and sell your wares. It's a comic book store, be (or pretend to be) a customer, look around, pick something up. Then... sell me your wares. Be polite. Joke around. Shower. I hate heavy metal, but if you come in, you're extremely cool, and you're passionate about your work, I may come see your band... (I probably won't like it though) And don't be socially awkward in the store... like I am.  
 
 
 

Turn in order sheets

I'm gonna make this short. If your store does order sheets for you, (Putting the best of each months Previews Magazine on a sheet for you to check off, so your orders are now on your pull list)  turn them in on time! Here's the thing. Our orders are due to Diamond a certain day, and we do our best to have enough for the rack. When you turn in your order late, one of the ones for the rack becomes yours. That means we have one less to sell to a random customer. This is really a courtesy thing, not something that really grinds my gears. Just turn those sheets in on time please.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

In closing, I love the customers that come in, but there's a few things they don't understand, not only about working retail, but also working at a comic book store. It's retail meets a micro-community, and there's something special about that, but at the same time, it's a job, and there are things that need to be done on a daily basis. I try my best to please both the bosses and the customers, which is impossible. So, all I'm asking is to consider these things when you go into your local comic book shop. The person behind the counter will love you a whole lot more!
 
Now, who wants some Hawaiian Punch?
 

~ Mat Elfring (InferiorEgo) is a comedian, teacher, comic store employee, struggling comic writer, and hated by Psycho-Man.~