Oracle Towers Pre-review.. review: so bad it was ok.
Actors: Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella, and everyone else.
Director: Gary Goddard
Production: Golan Globus Film
I can hear it now. "Troy you unreasonable twat, why are you doing another masters of the universe review so early before monday. and why is it not a comic." to which i just stab them with my power sword and reply. After people wanting me to do more reviews on the series and wrap it up, i decided that my testosterone levels are feeling a bit high and wanted to be a dick. so for the next couple of weeks this will be my only he-man review. why? cause i can. so i figure since im pushing the 80's in peoples faces why not a sweaty pair of man nipples from action star Dolph Lundgren.
you can tell this was an action movie cause the beginning credits ended with an explosion, it was this movie that set the standard for michael bay to do action films. what a bleak and sinister beginning for eternia or the grand canyon, how ever you want to call it. Robot troops start moving on into a ruined city where castle grayskull rather being in the middle of the evergreen forest takes place in the middle of a rocky desert. after that point i already added the writers to my hit list.
The only acting worth mentioning in this movie was Frank Langella as skeletor, this man put so much energy into an evil being and did not make him into the over the top comical villian which he was portrayed as in the cartoon. having castle grayskull and the sorceress captureed he sighs a bit of relief but is short lived when a feeling of dread sweep over him when he hears the name He-man. he make a announcement on the holosphere. which apparently makes him look like he has a huge.......face.
Nipples....i mean he-man whips into action by drop kicking a few robots of skeletors and deflecting some shots with his sword pulling out the old jedi trick, if you can't stab them, deflect their attacks back at them. he manages to save a dwarf called Gwildor, apparently he is a thenurian who is a lock smith. with the help of man-at-arms and teela who come to the scene they take gwildor back to his home where he shows them the cosmic key, the central focus item for this movie. but apparently there is two. the first one was the finished version while that one was the prototype. the other was stolen by evil lyn while gwildor was distracted by meg fosters crazy eyes. being traced by the keys unique signiture the house was surrounded by robots and blasted to shit, but gwildor had a secret tunnel that could connect to the catacombs underneath grayskull. WTF!
The only good scene was when they entered castle grayskull apparently undetected. pfft right.. and attempt to free the sorceress, skeletor and his big ass army surround the throne room with no signs of escape. monologue and monologue... lets fight! boom boom bam, blasters going off in all directions and those damn robots can not focus any targeting on a small throne area. so gwildor panics and pushes random buttons like a 5 year old playing street fighter 2 for the super nintendo. a gateway opens and takes them to earth.
oh yeah that is awesome he-man on earth. well since it is the 80's he should fit in with many people if he is at miami beach. but no he is in jersey, where they split up to try to find the cosmic key which was lost along the way when coming to earth. along the way we meet two teens who is kevin and courtney cox alias julie. she is said her parents died in a plane crash which she thinks she could have prevented if she went with them. no you dumb broad you would be dead too. so those two come across the cosmic key, and think its some Japanese synthesizer....right... so they go back to the high school to do teen stuff before grad. they use the cosmic key and alert skeletor to its location. he sends mercenaries who one was a highlander, so they go after the key while kevin leaves to go check out his friends music store and leave his girlfriend alone. so she gets attacked and makes a run for it while setting the school on fire.
Kevin finds out and heads back to the school, where we meet the principle from back to the future, he was payed to be the annoying cop and man did he play that well. im sure their is a law for cops not to be jack asses to the public unless they are arresting people. so he-man fights off the mercenaries and some robots in the junkyard and those fools retreat after teela starts laying in a few blaster shots. they escape back to eternia failed and as punishment, the creature who does not talk gets zapped by skeletor, beastman fearing since he can't speak english would be next. they beg for forgiveness and evil lyn thinks he should spare them. she gets in trouble and is tossed into the group to find the key.
back on earth. gwildor upgrades a pink Cadillac so they can ride in style in the city while they go looking for the key, julie tells them kevin has it. she calls kevin who took the cop to her place to go looking for her, and while those two jokers were goofing around, evil lyn manages to track the key to the house but misses it as the cop takes it to the music store to check it out. he-man gathers kevin into their group and meet at the music store before evil lyn gets there. the best fight scene in this movie takes place in a music store as wave after wave of robots blow through the windows and doors of the front of the store. julie thinks she sees her dead mom who tells her they need the cosmic key...hmmm not suspicious at all. she grabs it and gives it to her mo...evil lyn!
They chase after evil lyn only to have a giant gate open bringing all of skeletors army and the big man himself to earth. while no one in the city can see this as it is deserted much like any self respecting man would be in a movie theatre for twilight.....we find that skeletor sends some robots on hover boards named Air centurions after him. so after skeletor captures he-man and takes him back to eternia he breaks the other key to prevent the others from returning. but with a new power source and kevins teen cunning at remembering what the red button did. YAY! they go back with the annoying cop[ tagging along for the ride. unfortunately for them they arrive when skeletor finished his 3 min monologue and turned into a god.
ending battle ensues which comes down to hand to hand combat between he-man and skeletor. this be their final battle. which he-man wins of course and knocks skeletor into the neverending hole of screaming in slow motion. so everything is back to normal. skeletor lost the power, and julie and kevin are sent back to earth. whew.... believe it or not that was the short version.
I decided to skip the pretty colours portion as to get to the end of this as in this movie was pure entertaining crap. its a movie you can't stop watching even though you know in your hearts its pure crap. it made no sense in this movie and it was poorly written, so how can i go beyond a 3 for this movie. i mean you can get through it. grudgingly but still in some points it still is entertaining.
At least this was better then other movies like captain america and super girl.....shudder. but i still have to take down the writers for this movie though i mean Stephen Tolkin was kind of starting out in writing and ended up doing....captain america movie?... Well at least david odell worked on the muppet show and Super...girl...the...............................................................................................................
(cut to intermission)